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  • Step-Dads

    Any help on this one? We have benn together for 6 years, married alomst four. the 14 y.o. girl thinks I'm horrible because I want chores done or she goes nowhere, the 11 y.o. boy has back and forth swings on if he wants me around or not. I am really stressed here because I would jump in front of a car for these two but all we do is fight........It aint doing me and my wife any good either, I hate to think we cant get along. The real Dad lives 6 miles away and see's them almost every other month, pays no support, I dont need the money so I dont care about that, but they worship him and coud kick me in the teeth. Any step-dads have the same issues? Got any advice? I love these guys but I need guidance.. Oh yeah, no kids of my own, never will.......
    After the pin is pulled, Mr. Hand Grenade is no longer your friend.

    "Shut the door I'm tryin to poop!" - Larry the Cable Guy

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  • #2
    Well, I would surmise this should in the "Family Matters" section. But that as it may, if y'all can't sit down and work things out, I would suggest some kind of family counseling.
    You have no right to not be offended.-Neal Boortz

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Centurion44
      But that as it may, if y'all can't sit down and work things out, I would suggest some kind of family counseling.
      I agree, perhaps ship them to the real dad and let them live with him.

      TGY
      Disclaimer: The writer does not represent any organization, employer, entity or other individual. The views expressed are those only of the writer. In the case of a sarcastic, facetious, nonsensical, stirring-the-pot, controversial or devil's advocate-type post, the views expressed may not even reflect those of the writer [This sig stolen from Brickcop who stole it from Frank Booth].

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      • #4
        Their mother MUST support you 100% when you are dealing with these two. She must back you up, and have the same expectations of the kids as you do. If she does not, you will get no where and things will get worse. If things are really bad, and your marrige is at risk, send them to their father permanantly. Your relationship with your wife is top priority. Eventually, the kids will grow up and move on, you marrige is forever (or hopefully it is, i'm divorced, so I know).
        "I only had a couple!"

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        • #5
          Your relationship with your wife is top priority.
          I would think the well-being of the children is top priority. But then again, I don't have kids.
          You have no right to not be offended.-Neal Boortz

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Centurion44
            I would think the well-being of the children is top priority. But then again, I don't have kids.
            I have two kids. But how can you approach, raise, deal with your kids if you are not united in the same goals as your wife? How do you do this if your relationship with you wife is, well, ****. And i'm not talking about the children's well-being. I'm sure they have all the things necessary for proper development I.E. food, shelter, guidence, education and everything else. What we are talking about here is a step father who is having a difficult time with his step children, and a biological father who doesnt seem to be in the picture.
            "I only had a couple!"

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            • #7
              Originally posted by MP Teamleader
              Any help on this one? We have benn together for 6 years, married alomst four. the 14 y.o. girl thinks I'm horrible because I want chores done or she goes nowhere, the 11 y.o. boy has back and forth swings on if he wants me around or not. I am really stressed here because I would jump in front of a car for these two but all we do is fight........It aint doing me and my wife any good either, I hate to think we cant get along. The real Dad lives 6 miles away and see's them almost every other month, pays no support, I dont need the money so I dont care about that, but they worship him and coud kick me in the teeth. Any step-dads have the same issues? Got any advice? I love these guys but I need guidance.. Oh yeah, no kids of my own, never will.......
              Some thoughts MP:

              1. The difficult time you're having with these kids has nothing to do with the fact that you're their step dad. It has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that they are 11 and 14. They're difficult and obnoxious and insulting and freakin' hateful because, unfortunately, they're supposed to be at that age. You've known and raised these kids since they were pretty young - if you've had a good relationship during those important formative years, then everything you're getting from them right now is a related combination of newly acquired hormones, and a testing of boundaries and authority.

              2. Worshipping their dad is easy when he's not the one who has to fight and struggle on a daily basis to keep two teenagers on course. You're the bad guy 'cause you are the one who has to continually fight their battle with authority and continually "make" them do whatever it is they've gotten into their little heads that they don't want to do. You're the bad guy because you are the one who has to keep them under control, when they're fighting control every step of the way right now.

              3. Although you may hate it, you will have to be the bad guy much more often than the good guy over the next couple of years, if you have any hopes of seeing these obnoxious creatures safely through to the other side (adulthood). Get used to the role.

              4. Although it seems like these kids are battling you every move you make (they are), understand that the reality is (although they don't even know it) - they WANT boundaries and rules and structure. They're a contradiction in terms (the very definition of teenagers). They fight structure and yet they need structure. They fight rules and yet they need rules. They want freedom and yet absolute freedom would scare the **** out them. And if you have been a good parent to this point, they ultimately (bottom line) want you to care for them and keep them on the straights.

              5. You're the grownup and they're the kids - no matter how much of a bad guy you feel like, do WHATEVER you need to do to keep them safe, keep them under control, keep them human, keep your house and home in order. If you feel like an *** for being such a bad guy so often (when all you want to do is love them) - well, get over it. They WILL grow out of this if you "stay the course". One day (a few years from now unfortunately) they will walk into the room and talk to you again like you're a real human being. And you'll realize that they are finally beginning to grow out of this ****. If you do your job, they'll turn into OK adults. You on the other hand, may be scarred for life. Raising teenagers is war. No joke.

              6. I hope your wife is pulling her weight in terms of handling these guys.

              7. You had better find time away from these monsters, to see and enjoy your wife. Keep it real, honest, open and loving - get away from these kids and don't forget (or at least make an effort to try and remember) why the hell you two got married in the first place.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Centurion44
                I would think the well-being of the children is top priority. But then again, I don't have kids.
                MP doesn't either, he's just keeping them.

                My house, my rules.
                Kelly

                We are the thin blue line
                between you
                and all the money in the world.

                And no you can't have any.

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                • #9
                  Communicate with them.

                  My step-father is no less like my biological father. Everything I needed from a father, my step-father provided them to me. Trust, support, love, shelter, everything.

                  The relationship I had with my father was really bad. My father was never happy with anything I did. Everything I did was worthless and a waste of time to him. On the other hand, my step-father was always involved in the activities I was in. He supported me and boosted my self-esteem. I introduced my first boyfriend to my step-father as my father because my father would've cared less. My step-father basically laid out the 10 rules of dating my daughter to my boyfriends.

                  My father will always be my father. And my step-father will always be my step-father. The truth to the matter is that I needed a man in my life to understand my fears and protect me, and my step-father was there.

                  Communicating with each other really helps a lot.
                  Last edited by umtkny; 07-04-2005, 09:53 AM.

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                  • #10
                    I can't say anything for a stepdad, but I can tell you about a stepmom. After my divorce and remarriage to my present wife (33 year's now) I had my 3 kid's from my prior marriage at the house on weekends. The very first weekend I informed all of them that it was my wife's and my home and that she would set the ground rules. In other word's we set the rules upfront and it worked very well with me supporting her 100% in her decisions. At this time all 3 of them have their own children and still concider my wife as a mother to them along with their real Mother.

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