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Does my email for this job sound stupid? Should I revise or add to it?

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  • Does my email for this job sound stupid? Should I revise or add to it?

    Hi All,

    In August of last year I was interviewed for a position with the department of juvenile justice. By October, I hadn't been given the official job offer, but the agency indicated that I was one of the top candidates. I personally know someone who already works there, it turns out corporate pulled the funding to hire more officers and threw out mine along with many other applications. The Capt. and Corporate Officer told me to keep an eye, for when they post the job again. Well, they put the job up again last week. I really want this job, I've updated my app and resume and replied this evening. I'm thinking about sending them a short friendly email to the Capt. since she told me I could contact her if needed. What do y'all think, should I email them to give them a reminder?

    Here's what I have so far, I need to know if I sound dumb or babyish…and certainly don't want to seem overly desperate.

    To Whom it May Concern:

    At the recommendation of Capt.------ and -------- -------- of corporate human resources, advised me to continue to apply for the position of Juvenile Detention Officer I. On February 5th, 2015 I applied for the active position and also updated my application in the system. I hope to be of consideration for the position, as I feel my dedication, experience and passion to work with juveniles would considerably aid the already well structured agency. Thank you very much for your time.

    Sincerely,
    ----------- ----------

  • #2
    I don't see anything wrong with your email specifically - it seems simple and professional. As for if you should send the email or not, a LEO would be more qualified to answer
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    Being a cop these days in an officer safety issue

    Comment


    • #3
      I think if you can address it to a person by name rather than "To whom it may concern" it would certainly be better, but you might not have that luxury, otherwise it looks great to me.

      Comment


      • #4
        How does an agency have a Corporate HR dept?
        Now go home and get your shine box!

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Steve856
          I am not going to advise you about the appropriateness of your follow up e-mail, since I do not know anything about how the application process works in governmental agencies. But I’ll just make a quick comment on your letter:

          (1) Find out the name of the person who you are sending this e-mail to. It is imperative. If you absolutely cannot, then the appropriate job title or job function would do: “To the hiring manager at the Dept. of Juv. Justice” or like.

          (2) The first sentence is grammatically incorrect. You are missing the subject of the sentence. Read it out aloud and it will become obvious.

          (3) You are missing a parenthetical comma after “2015”.

          (4) Too many repetition of the words “applied/apply/application” and “position”.

          (5) The hiring manager does not know from this letter what you wrote to us in the first paragraph. If what you wrote in the first paragraph is true, and you were not hired simply because of the budget, then it would be very helpful to you for the hiring manager to know that.
          Steve,

          I think the rest of your advice is useful but the "implicit" advice you're giving about how to place punctuation couldn't be more dangerous.

          I know a lot of my buddies here like to do it and they're not going to change their ways ....but when guiding people just starting out in their careers, the treatment of quotation marks can be a make or break to those of us having to use proper punctuation in our livelihoods.


          The period goes INSIDE the quotation marks, not outside.

          Here I'll show you the rule:

          http://www.grammarly.com/answers/que...de-or-outside/


          APA Style -- Although the APA Publication Manual contains many examples illustrating different, specific conditions, its guidance can be summarized as: “Commas and periods that finish quotes are always placed inside quotation marks. Other marks of punctuation are placed outside quotation marks unless they are part of the quoted material.”






          The reason for so much confusion is that a) Brits do the opposite b) liberals like to overturn our traditional rules the same way they want to overturn the Constitution and c) lazy programmers. That's why you see it used incorrectly on the internet so much.


          If you send your correspondence to someone like me, it stands out like a sore thumb. Most hiring managers look for reasons to whittle down their stack of resumes. It I'm that hiring manager, your resume/cover letter would go straight in the NO pile. Why take the chance.
          Last edited by EmmaPeel; 02-06-2015, 05:50 AM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thank you so much for your replies. I'm going to correct the issues I have with the email, I do have their names and will address them appropriately. Thank you again!

            Comment


            • #7
              Emmapeel, I noticed that as well about the quotation marks! Haha!

              Comment


              • #8
                Thanks again everyone, this is what I ended up sending just now:

                Dear Capt. ______ and Ms. _________,

                At the recommendation of Capt. _____ and _____ ______ of corporate human resources, I have reapplied for the position of Juvenile Detention Officer I. On February 5th 2015, I updated my application within the system and submitted a revised resume. I hope to be of consideration for the position, as I feel my dedication, experience and passion to work with juveniles would considerably aid the already well-structured agency. Thank you very much for your time.

                Sincerely,
                ______ __________

                Comment


                • #9
                  CCCSD, It's the department of juvenile justice. I did not know that had a corporate HR until I received a call from them. It was upsetting since I thought I was about to start a new job…and one I really wanted.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Sounds to me that you're applying to a "for profit" corrections firm. While that's not bad in itself, it suggests many caveats from the overall career perspective. Do some research, and you'll soon discover what I mean.

                    If you're bound and determined to send an E-Mail to these people, I commend you to Emma's advice relative to doing so. Screw the message up, and you'd be suprised at how rapidly it finds it's way to the deleted messages file.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Decspi View Post
                      Thanks again everyone, this is what I ended up sending just now:

                      Dear Capt. ______ and Ms. _________,

                      At the recommendation of Capt. _____ and _____ ______ of corporate human resources, I have reapplied for the position of Juvenile Detention Officer I. On February 5th 2015, I updated my application within the system and submitted a revised resume. I hope to be of consideration for the position, as I feel my dedication, experience and passion to work with juveniles would considerably aid the already well-structured agency. Thank you very much for your time.

                      Sincerely,
                      ______ __________

                      Looks better now but what happened to this part below? I think too that this was an important fact to mention, it tells the reader for certain that you had already gone through the process and made it to a certain point but due to the budget cuts you were not hired:

                      (5) The hiring manager does not know from this letter what you wrote to us in the first paragraph. If what you wrote in the first paragraph is true, and you were not hired simply because of the budget, then it would be very helpful to you for the hiring manager to know that.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Dang Emma, you are good

                        I always have had trouble remembering the rule about periods and commas inside v/s outside a finishing quote.
                        As my folks moved about every year when I was a kid, I was moved every time to a new school! That fact should surprise anyone that grammar and punctuation have always been my worst subject in school because I never learned those fine detailed rules in class in proper order and context.
                        I also dropped out in the 9th grade after skipping half of the 8th, but I spent the school day time usually at the Public Library reading very advanced and technical books.
                        After writing my book I spent weeks running it through every spelling and grammar checker I could to fix errors.
                        Very easily getting my GED later, and winding up with college level reading/comp scores was great, but it still didn't teach me the hundreds of little rules for grammar and punctuation.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Decspi View Post
                          Thanks again everyone, this is what I ended up sending just now:

                          Dear Capt. ______ and Ms. _________,

                          At the recommendation of Capt. _____ and _____ ______ of corporate human resources, I have reapplied for the position of Juvenile Detention Officer I. On February 5th 2015, I updated my application within the system and submitted a revised resume. I hope to be of consideration for the position, as I feel my dedication, experience and passion to work with juveniles would considerably aid the already well-structured agency. Thank you very much for your time.

                          Sincerely,
                          ______ __________
                          I will add my revision recommendations:

                          - Due to the fact that most people work hard for their job title/rank I would not recommend abbreviating it within a formal correspondence. Show respect by writing it out fully and most people will take notice, which will gain you favor.
                          - Naming the same two people in the salutation as well as the first sentence, as if the reader is a third party, is weird.
                          - If "Corporate Human Resources" is a department within the organization you are contacting the department name should be capitalized.
                          - Consider combining/re-writing and shortening the first two sentences; most hiring managers notice and appreciate brevity in their correspondence. While I am at it, I feel that the two clauses in sentence two are redundant. Do you want/need to stress the fact that the resume has been updated? The fact that you state the application has been updated should be sufficient as it implies that the attached resume has also been updated. I would consider simply saying that you submitted an updated application.
                          - When a date follows the month do not use an ordinal number suffix, just the number.
                          - You're missing a comma in the date. When writing a complete date (day of the week, day, month, year) within a sentence a comma should follow each section. Example: "... Thursday, February 5, 2015, ..."

                          I have placed formal documents (reports, civilian resumes, etc) submitted to me in the circular file or handed them back for revision for less.
                          “You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” ― Winston Churchill

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Steve856
                            Thank you, Emma!

                            Actually, the placement of punctuation marks is near and dear to my heart, and I am reasonably well versed in it. I make my living by writing as well (you would not believe how many thousands of dollars I’ve gotten paid because a client misplaced punctuation marks, and I am not going to make the same mistakes). Every time that I get a new secretary, I give her a memo how I want things done, and placement of punctuation marks with respect to quotation marks figures prominently.

                            Firstly, I understand that punctuation marks are generally placed inside the quotes (“the American Rule”). This is in the AP stylebook, Gregg, Chicago, and almost any stylebook published in the US. And pretty much any school in the US teaches this the same way.

                            Secondly, I don’t like the American rule, and think that placing them in the logical place (“the British Rule”) is better. To me, logic should take precedence over the form. Strunk & White actually lamented about this as well. But I don’t make the rules. Because I live and work in the US, I generally follow the American Rule. I don’t like it, but that the way it is. Similarly, just like I have to use mm/dd/yyyy instead of more logical yyyy/mm/dd or dd/mm/yyyy, or use English units instead of the metric system, I submit to generally using the American Rule. You are quite correct, that if I did not follow the American Rule, it would make my work look less professional.

                            Thirdly, although I generally follow the American Rule, there are times when following it is not appropriate. For example, comments on proofreading. In this particular case, if I were to write “2015.”, it would incorrectly look like the period was part of the quoted text. I did this purposefully, not by accident.

                            Fourthly, this exception to the American Rule is not something that I made up, but it is a generally accepted exception. See, for example, Rule 8.142 of the GPO Styles Manual (2008 edition). http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/GPO-STY...ANUAL-2008.pdf .

                            With respect why “lazy programmers” tend not to follow the American Rule, please see the end of section 6.8 of Chicago Styles Manual (15th ed.).

                            As always, I always welcome and appreciate your correction of my grammar and style, but in this case I stand by my original posting.
                            Steve,

                            If you look at the very reference you cited, that only applies to VERY technical documents like proofreading Congressional text. This young man's email was not even close to being Congressional text.

                            When normal people proofread "normal" stuff, it's done with a red ink pen.

                            Comment

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