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He started it...I dare ya

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  • He started it...I dare ya

    After Jasper's vagina Craigslist post.(that sounds really wrong..sorry Jasper)..and others I've seen on here...I thought it might be worth the time to find the "best" worst Craigslist ads you've seen... (but please try not to get the thread deleted) ..

    Here's the one I found which I die laughing every time I read it...


    Date: 2009-02-13, 7:30PM PST

    To the woman that crapped in my car. (NE Portland)

    We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

    I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

    At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

    I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

    What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

    I await your call,
    Stout
    P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early. Touché.
    I'm not small, I'm fun sized....

    You're the reason I have Pistanthrophobia.

    Where's my EFF You Font on my computer?

    Скажите мне другая история...

  • #2


    My first thought when I read the above was that it could have been written by the guy who wrote the CL "apology" to the would-be mugger who was given a very close look at the author's new Kimber .45 pistol.
    (Snopes says the "mugger letter" really was on CL once, but is otherwise false. I couldn't find anything about this one.)

    I hope she called him again.
    --
    Capital Punishment means never having to say "you again?"

    Comment


    • #3
      Ha ha! I was wondering why you didn't copy the story, but I see SNOPES was difficult and not allowing you too... so I found the story elsewhere and posted it for ya ..RR..
      Craigslist-Savannah, GA

      I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.

      I didn’t expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?

      I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

      I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA’s office with it. Oh well.

      So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I’d like to make it up to you. I’m sure you’ve already washed your pants, so I’d like to help you out. I’d like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we’ll do lunch and laundry.

      Peace!

      Alex
      I'm not small, I'm fun sized....

      You're the reason I have Pistanthrophobia.

      Where's my EFF You Font on my computer?

      Скажите мне другая история...

      Comment


      • #4
        I vaguely remember a listing that read:

        Found: woman's diaphragm. Has the face of comedy embossed on one side and the face of tragedy embossed on the other. Owner to identify.
        Going too far is half the pleasure of not getting anywhere

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by tccemt
          Is that real? link to send to some friends would be cool
          Not sure which one you are asking about.. but, RR put the SNOPES link in his story.. the story I found I googled and put the key words-shat and leather seat.. surprisingly, that story was pretty much the only thing that came up.... shocking for the internet actually....
          I'm not small, I'm fun sized....

          You're the reason I have Pistanthrophobia.

          Where's my EFF You Font on my computer?

          Скажите мне другая история...

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Elle p View Post
            .. the story I found I googled and put the key words-shat and leather seat.. surprisingly, that story was pretty much the only thing that came up....
            Has anyone else been wondering how many more times we'll get to type/quote that certain word above? In this context, it's the past tense/past participle of a word that ends up as four asterisks on here. Like at least one of the other words on George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television," it's both a noun and a verb. (And it's on Wikipedia. Goes back to at least the eighteenth century.)

            --
            Capital Punishment means never having to say "you again?"

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by RR_Security View Post
              Has anyone else been wondering how many more times we'll get to type/quote that certain word above? In this context, it's the past tense/past participle of a word that ends up as four asterisks on here. Like at least one of the other words on George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television," it's both a noun and a verb. (And it's on Wikipedia. Goes back to at least the eighteenth century.)

              LOL... SHHSHSHHHHH ... The forum ninjas will hear you..
              I'm not small, I'm fun sized....

              You're the reason I have Pistanthrophobia.

              Where's my EFF You Font on my computer?

              Скажите мне другая история...

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by L-1 View Post
                I vaguely remember a listing that read:

                Found: woman's diaphragm. Has the face of comedy embossed on one side and the face of tragedy embossed on the other. Owner to identify.
                Sire Officer.....

                Ya' reminds me when da' Trig. told ma' it was a dust filter when we was rustl'in errrr,, ummmm Uhhh, I mean heard'in cattle across da' line....

                Originally posted by Elle p View Post
                LOL... SHHSHSHHHHH ... The forum ninjas will hear you..
                Yaz' mean them thar' flat top headed midgets dat' holar' B.J.'s B.J.'s fer' free!!!!!!!
                Last edited by asullivan; 01-24-2012, 10:18 PM. Reason: D.O.J., D.H.S., secret crap dat's what...
                Originally posted by mookster
                Sully, usually I hafta glance over your posts cuz my brain would have issues with the imagery you portray, however with that one I get it. I agree one hundred percent with ya.
                Originally posted by CityCopDC
                I swear to god you are not human. I know a rogue VI when I see one.
                Originally posted by OfficerDotCom
                I think no one is probably happier than Sully and I that we ARE NOT the same person.(seriously thanking God for that one).
                -Frank




                Old Physicists neva' die, they just hop on a horsey and fly away inta' an infinitely massive black ho ...

                Comment


                • #9
                  And no, I'm not trolling for freaks in there; it was right in the Best of Craigslist section.

                  #######

                  super mario sex - w4m

                  Date: 2011-12-21, 10:35PM EST


                  i know this is super ****in weird, but what is craigslist for if not freaky *** sex fantasies.

                  i want to **** super mario. i want a guy to wear overalls, a red shirt and hat and **** me hard (while occasionally saying the catchphrases like 'letsa go!' and 'mamma mia'). i guess to look the part it would be wicked if you had dark hair.

                  you have to leave your costume on during the whole encounter. if you're really into it, i can wear a pink dress and pretend to be princess peach.

                  any takers for my weird fetish? ill be in ottawa this weekend

                  WA-HOO!

                  it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

                  #######

                  http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...764832533.html

                  Somewhere on my old computer I have the link for the gigantic vagina couch, if anyone is interested.
                  "Snort-laughter is the best medicine"
                  ----- Mussel Bound


                  Don't forget to laugh today. The more implausible it seems, the more you need to.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    thanks Marge... now I am scarred for life..1) I will NEVER EVER view that game as an innocent game ever again...lol...What is Wrong with people?????? lmao..
                    ...2) my computer is now in need of repair due to the soda that I have spit all over my keyboard....and monitor..
                    I'm not small, I'm fun sized....

                    You're the reason I have Pistanthrophobia.

                    Where's my EFF You Font on my computer?

                    Скажите мне другая история...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I sold one of my motorcycles on Craigslist several years ago. My add went viral and it was flagged in less than 6 hours.
                      It was sold in 2 hours though.

                      THIS BIKE IS AWESOME!!!!!

                      For sale: a 1985 Kawasaki ZL 900 ELIMINATOR!

                      This is the king of Badass 80’s bikes!!!


                      ARE YOU A ONE MAN WOLFPACK? IF THE ANSWER IS YES, THIS IS YOUR RIDE!!!!!

                      The bike is painted Flat Black, because Flat Black is awesome. Ninjas dress in black because they want to look like this bike. The bike has 21,000 miles on it, because it is so awesome that people can only handle 700 miles a year on it before the awesomeness explodes their heads after that.

                      This bike is scary fast! if you redline it in second gear, you will see your dead relatives lining the sides of the road yelling at you to slow down. As you shift into third you will see the back of your own head as you travel back in time. (I have not actually experienced this, so I can’t guarantee it happens because I have been afraid to do it.)

                      This bike was supposed to be in the Transformers movie, but Optimus Prime was scared of it because it beat him up in a bar when they were in college so Michael Bay had to cut the scenes of this bike EATING THE EARTH!

                      The only cooler way to travel would to be have Chuck Norris carry you piggyback everywhere, or to ride a mechanical unicorn.
                      M-11
                      “All men dream...... But not equally..
                      Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find it is vanity;
                      but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men,
                      for they act their dreams with open eyes to make it possible.....”

                      TE Lawrence

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        These ads reminded me of this guy-did anyone ever see this? The Wedding Dress Guy??


                        http://www.weddingdressguy.com/origi...aylisting.html

                        He was awesome... I think he got quite a few dates and maybe a couple of proposals out of this ad...
                        M-11; If I EVER sell anything, I'm consulting you for ad writing advice...
                        Last edited by Elle p; 01-25-2012, 03:53 PM.
                        I'm not small, I'm fun sized....

                        You're the reason I have Pistanthrophobia.

                        Where's my EFF You Font on my computer?

                        Скажите мне другая история...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          ######
                          Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit.

                          Date: 2009-04-29, 1:39AM EDT

                          I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit.

                          I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.

                          I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure.

                          I will require at least a 5 minutes stay.

                          A neighbor will watch the front door from across the street and using a supplied stopwatch, will time your entry and departure.

                          Please supply your own footwear.

                          The noodles will be cooked, and therefore slippery.

                          DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.

                          #####

                          http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...145392897.html
                          "Snort-laughter is the best medicine"
                          ----- Mussel Bound


                          Don't forget to laugh today. The more implausible it seems, the more you need to.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            that is just gross
                            Last edited by thrombis; 03-08-2012, 02:38 PM.
                            If it wasn't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable!

                            Your life is NOT my fault.

                            What part of NO did you not understand?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I saw one the other day, some guy (I assume) was looking for a "model" to spruce of her portfolio with some erotic photos for a trade for the photos. What a genius, I'll bet many a gal will fall for that one.

                              Comment

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