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Dear Dogs and Cats

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  • Dear Dogs and Cats

    Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

    Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

    TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

    (1) They live here. You don't.

    (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

    (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

    (4) To you, they are animals.. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

    Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

    (1) eat less,

    (2) don't ask for money all the time,

    (3) are easier to train,

    (4) normally come when called,

    (5) never ask to drive the car,

    (6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

    (7) don't smoke or drink,

    (8) don't want to wear your clothes,

    (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

    (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

    (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .....
    "We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence to those who would do us harm." - George Orwell, April 4, 1942

  • #2
    lol, good post! Funny and true.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by FlyChicaga View Post
      TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

      (1) They live here. You don't.

      (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

      (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

      (4) To you, they are animals.. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
      I avoid other people with pets at almost all costs. However, if I MUST come over to your house for any reason and your dog jumps in my lap, accosts me, or any of the like, I will shove it off of me/away and if you don't like it then train your pet better as you described is so much easier.

      Originally posted by FlyChicaga View Post
      (3) are easier to train,
      The only thing I hear when you say anything is "blah blah blah I'm a dirty whore".

      Originally posted by Michigan
      I don't want to sound gay...

      But I'd do him.
      Do you like airplanes and aviation??JOIN http://forums.officer.com/forums/group.php?groupid=20

      My goal is to have the longest most annoying signature line ever.

      Comment


      • #4
        Our dog is very, very well behaved. When people come over, she wants them to pet her, but she's not annoying like other people's dogs. When they ask, "Wow, she is so good, what did you do?" my fiancee and I say with a serious face, "oh, we beat her."

        We don't really beat her (far from it), but it's fun to see their reaction!
        "We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence to those who would do us harm." - George Orwell, April 4, 1942

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Mr. Green View Post
          I avoid other people with pets at almost all costs. However, if I MUST come over to your house for any reason and your dog jumps in my lap, accosts me, or any of the like, I will shove it off of me/away and if you don't like it then train your pet better as you described is so much easier.
          TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

          (1) They live here. You don't.

          (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

          (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

          (4) To you, they are animals.. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.


          Save the wear and tear on your car....not to mention the cost of gas!
          This profession is not for people looking for positive reinforcement from the public. Very often it can be a thankless job and you can't desire accolades, because those are not usually forthcoming. Just do your job to the best of your ability and live with the decisions you've made.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by deputy x 2 View Post
            TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

            (1) They live here. You don't.

            (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

            (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

            (4) To you, they are animals.. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.


            Save the wear and tear on your car....not to mention the cost of gas!

            +1000, this is their house.

            Comment


            • #7
              (8) don't want to wear your clothes,
              I never wanted to wear my parents cloths when I was a kid.

              The only time I complain about pets in the house is if the owner has like 7 cats or 5 dogs and the house is an utter pigsty and you need to wear a FD SCBA kit just to be able to breath in there. Its one reason why I stopped going to a friend's house.
              Life is what you make of it

              Comment

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