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  • #46
    Judging from your posts and your choice of careers I will say that you are a fighter. You will beat this. Just like I will beat my pain you will overcome yours. Last November, while at work in my second career, I fell off of a ladder. Actually I rode the ladder down. I broke my leg with a twist fracture and 3 places in my foot. Surgery. I broke and compressed a vertebrae in my back. Surgery. I had a bursa burst in my elbow. I had my shoulder freeze up while recuperating. Surgery. I have uncontrolled swelling in my feet and hand because I cannot get into bed. I have been sentenced to the living room recliner which I cannot recline because it is a right hand drive and I cannot manipulate it. I have about 7 pounds of grip force in my right hand.

    Now I have Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I have searing pain in the injured hand and foot and in the opposite foot and leg. One instance was so bad they called an ambulance and transported me. I am on A to Z drugs and am scheduled for another surgery for a pain block because I cannot move my arm above my shoulder without dropping to my knees in pain. I am looking forward to this actually. They will block the pain then drive me to the physical therapist and pour me into a chair where I hope to have my arm cranked.

    I'm 55 and sitting all day has really atrophied my arms and legs. I get winded picking up a towel.

    Every time I think woe is me I hear about or see another who is way worse off than me. Who has either lived with it for a long time or has spent years fighting back and overcoming their disabilities. I recently saw a David Letterman show that featured SSgt. Petry, a recent Congressional Medal of Honor recipient.



    He was in Afghanistan and saved his men by picking up a hand grenade. Can you imagine what happened? Can you imagine the pain and suffering and the nightmares? My point is time will heal you. Time will blur your pain and nightmares. Time is your friend but you have to go through it. PM me if you wish.
    Pete Malloy, "The only thing black and white about this job is the car."

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    • #47
      http://www.davepelzer.com/books.html

      An interesting man. I have met him and shaken his hand. I have an autographed copy of A Child Called It.

      I listened to his motivational speaking then bought the book. It is still only about $6. I must warn you, I was so mad at his parents and the way they treated him I literally threw the book across the room several times. It took me several hours to pick it up and start reading it again. It just proves once again no matter how much you have been wronged or hurt, you CAN and WILL survive. You can also be a better person, all it takes is a decision.
      Pete Malloy, "The only thing black and white about this job is the car."

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      • #48
        Originally posted by pontiacgm01 View Post
        Your post
        Good stuff man. Keep fighting!

        Just remember, with those meds, it can often take a while to get the right combination. Keep trying.
        Yeah. That would go poorly. Like, on the Scale of Fail, somewhere between "Titanic" and "Chernobyl."
        --Squirrel

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        • #49
          Hi Jack,

          It's Brooke! I'm so glad you are still with us. You gave me a bit of a scare when you disappeared. Keep us posted on your journey. Let me know how the pain management goes as well.
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          • #50
            Little bit of an update on how things are going. Little set back with recent events, for legal purposes, I had to watch the attack video and go through the attack again, as if I do not already to that enough inside my head, I needed an outside stimuli to add to it. Since, that day I have been replaying that video, stopping it in my head, analyzing it and beating myself up for what I got put into. I do not know where to put this anger, I do not know where to put this depression. The places that I have tried that are positive have only seem to given me false sense of relief. My evening walks for pleasure and pain exercise are no longer enjoyable, my running to attempt to restrengthen myself only ended up failing. I can not fail! I refuse to be a person that is letting life go by without him and that is exactly what is happening, but I do not know for the life of me what it will take for me to shake this thing and move on. I should just be able to move on, I have suffered enough and I want to move on. Even the days where the sun seems to be shining and I think its gonna be a good day, there is always that moment that triggers something in me to go into depression or sit and think about a million things out of my control for hours on end. I can not live like this much more.

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            • #51
              Originally posted by pontiacgm01 View Post
              Little bit of an update on how things are going. Little set back with recent events, for legal purposes, I had to watch the attack video and go through the attack again, as if I do not already to that enough inside my head, I needed an outside stimuli to add to it. Since, that day I have been replaying that video, stopping it in my head, analyzing it and beating myself up for what I got put into. I do not know where to put this anger, I do not know where to put this depression. The places that I have tried that are positive have only seem to given me false sense of relief. My evening walks for pleasure and pain exercise are no longer enjoyable, my running to attempt to restrengthen myself only ended up failing. I can not fail! I refuse to be a person that is letting life go by without him and that is exactly what is happening, but I do not know for the life of me what it will take for me to shake this thing and move on. I should just be able to move on, I have suffered enough and I want to move on. Even the days where the sun seems to be shining and I think its gonna be a good day, there is always that moment that triggers something in me to go into depression or sit and think about a million things out of my control for hours on end. I can not live like this much more.
              Dude! Don't make me come down there. You've kept it together for this long, and there's no way to go but forward. By the way, there is no false relief. It's real. I can tell just by how your posts are changing you are more focused and alert. Do you realize how much MORE you are going outside? You were barely going out before. I know you still feel like crap, but do you realize your are doing more? You are becoming more functional and not even seeing it.
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              • #52
                Alone and with my thoughts tonight.

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                • #53
                  Brother, you know you are never alone.
                  Pete Malloy, "The only thing black and white about this job is the car."

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                  • #54
                    Many have wrote and wanted an update, and I am sorry to report that the update isn't all that great. For about a couple weeks I have been severely depressed and going into intense anger spells. I started drinking on top of the meds and have continued to drink heavily. I have come to terms that I do not know how to reinvent myself and start over from this. I have accepted the fact that I haven't gotten much better in the past couple years. I have realized that nothing that is important to me feels important anymore.

                    I have become a person that is secluded from the world, sitting alone drinking. Then one day last week I was taking a shower, and it hit me, this would be a perfect place to kill myself, the clean up for everyone would be minimum and there would be no stains to remind anyone I was gone. But, a small spark in me told me how disappointed my mom would be and how much I love dog who has been my own little pal through this. Again, though it hit me what kind of person have I become that such an intrusive thought would come to my mind while taking a shower.

                    I started thinking about all the doors that I spent in my trying to open and did open, and how those doors got shut that day. I can't go back that far and open all those doors and still open new ones. EVERYTHING sets me off lately, from doing finances online, to trying to make a sandwich end up spilling something, I just throw the whole damn thing away. I lost my appetite, eating only small amounts of food because my mind seems like its trying to process a million things at once all of them about that attack and there is no room for anything else in there.

                    I feel like the depression and the anger have rooted me to my own home. My therapist says I need to not try to forget the attack but learn from it and learn to move on from it. I don't know how to do that. I feel like I have to get it out of my head to move on and it lives there forever and it now has control.

                    As the days went on I even got so down that I arranged to meet someone who was going to set me up with some marijuana, because I am desperate for something. But, I got so far into the meeting and I realized I took so much pride in being able to honestly say I never tried marijuana, especially when I applied to law enforcement and I again, wondered what person I have become.

                    I do not know what I have become, but I have sat in the shadows of gray for the past few weeks and the air is getting colder. The view of the outside world is getting dimmer and the soul of my existence is getting grimmer. I don't know how to let it go, I don't know how to myself get better, but I have lost it and I do not think I can get back.

                    My days are spend staring at the walls wondering if I will ever be a cop again, I thought about a military career and learned that medically I probably wouldn't be a good candidate and they wouldn't even take a willing soul ready to go die for his country. I always wanted to be a cop, I grew up admiring police officers and respected them so much. This place allowed for those admirations and all that hard work to be shattered. What if I can not become a cop again, what will I do with my life, where will I go, how do I start over when something you loved so much has been possibly taken away from you.

                    I just recently got the news that an officer from my department was fired after he was involved in a shooting that resulted in a death a few months back. He started drinking heavily and they discovered at a private party that he was acting weird. They confronted him on the job and he had requested mental help regarding the shooting, stating he had been drinking himself heavily. They sent him to a therapist, who he had a conflict of interest in and he requested a new one, they fired him that day without help. Made me feel even worse about myself because it hit home, but I feel for another victim.

                    So my update is not as good as one might hope, my outlook is not as sunny as one might want. I can say that I am clingy to what life I have left and I feel like its going away slowing eroding with every tear I shed.


                    Pontiac

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                    • #55
                      Originally posted by pontiacgm01 View Post
                      Many have wrote and wanted an update, and I am sorry to report that the update isn't all that great. For about a couple weeks I have been severely depressed and going into intense anger spells. I started drinking on top of the meds and have continued to drink heavily. I have come to terms that I do not know how to reinvent myself and start over from this. I have accepted the fact that I haven't gotten much better in the past couple years. I have realized that nothing that is important to me feels important anymore.

                      I have become a person that is secluded from the world, sitting alone drinking. Then one day last week I was taking a shower, and it hit me, this would be a perfect place to kill myself, the clean up for everyone would be minimum and there would be no stains to remind anyone I was gone. But, a small spark in me told me how disappointed my mom would be and how much I love dog who has been my own little pal through this. Again, though it hit me what kind of person have I become that such an intrusive thought would come to my mind while taking a shower.

                      I started thinking about all the doors that I spent in my trying to open and did open, and how those doors got shut that day. I can't go back that far and open all those doors and still open new ones. EVERYTHING sets me off lately, from doing finances online, to trying to make a sandwich end up spilling something, I just throw the whole damn thing away. I lost my appetite, eating only small amounts of food because my mind seems like its trying to process a million things at once all of them about that attack and there is no room for anything else in there.

                      I feel like the depression and the anger have rooted me to my own home. My therapist says I need to not try to forget the attack but learn from it and learn to move on from it. I don't know how to do that. I feel like I have to get it out of my head to move on and it lives there forever and it now has control.

                      As the days went on I even got so down that I arranged to meet someone who was going to set me up with some marijuana, because I am desperate for something. But, I got so far into the meeting and I realized I took so much pride in being able to honestly say I never tried marijuana, especially when I applied to law enforcement and I again, wondered what person I have become.

                      I do not know what I have become, but I have sat in the shadows of gray for the past few weeks and the air is getting colder. The view of the outside world is getting dimmer and the soul of my existence is getting grimmer. I don't know how to let it go, I don't know how to myself get better, but I have lost it and I do not think I can get back.

                      My days are spend staring at the walls wondering if I will ever be a cop again, I thought about a military career and learned that medically I probably wouldn't be a good candidate and they wouldn't even take a willing soul ready to go die for his country. I always wanted to be a cop, I grew up admiring police officers and respected them so much. This place allowed for those admirations and all that hard work to be shattered. What if I can not become a cop again, what will I do with my life, where will I go, how do I start over when something you loved so much has been possibly taken away from you.

                      I just recently got the news that an officer from my department was fired after he was involved in a shooting that resulted in a death a few months back. He started drinking heavily and they discovered at a private party that he was acting weird. They confronted him on the job and he had requested mental help regarding the shooting, stating he had been drinking himself heavily. They sent him to a therapist, who he had a conflict of interest in and he requested a new one, they fired him that day without help. Made me feel even worse about myself because it hit home, but I feel for another victim.

                      So my update is not as good as one might hope, my outlook is not as sunny as one might want. I can say that I am clingy to what life I have left and I feel like its going away slowing eroding with every tear I shed.


                      Pontiac
                      Why don't you connect with that other cop? get his number and call him. you are in a position to help him. You are wondering what to do with your life? Help somebody else.
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                      • #56
                        When I was little I was in a car accident. I was sitting in the passenger seat and my dad was driving. He died in that accident. Ever since then I have had bouts of severe anxiety. The older I get the less I have to deal with it I'm happy to say. A few years ago it got so bad I also had suicidal thoughts, and the same thoughts stopped me too. 'what would happen to my dog?' etc.

                        Recently I went to a hypnotherapist when things were getting bad again. I have been really pushing myself to finish my education and it was taking a toll. I was wowed by the result. I never felt so much better that quickly before.

                        Would you consider seeing a hypnotherapist? I'll be happy to find one for you. I'll even come down to CH-- and take you myself. Dont worry about the cost niether. You've got nothing to lose. What do you say? Or MAYBE I could bring a hypnotherapist to see you. Whatever it takes.

                        AND what about your meditations? I have a feeling you stopped doing them. They were helping you relax...

                        Come on:
                        http://www.swamij.com/online61.htm

                        http://www.swamij.com/onlineascending.htm

                        this one may be kind of 'out there', but you could try it:
                        http://mp3searchy.com/mp3_download/x...editation.html
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                        Copy and paste Bunny into your
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                        • #57
                          I have shut down completely and turned to drinking, as we speak I have taken a half a bottle of vodka within the past hour or two. Things seem clearer when I drink. Things seem manageable. Meditations I cant stay calm long enough to do them. I spend hours of my days staring at the wall or I create so mu ch work for myself that I go insane trying to manage it all. I drink sometimes to drown my sorrows and I drink sometimes for that liquird courage to leave the house, I drink sometimes too for that liquid courage to follow through with what my mind has planned for me.

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                          • #58
                            This thread has progressively gone down hill.

                            Pontiac,

                            I'm sorry for everything that has happened to you. It's obvious by your posting here that you have moments where you realize that you need help and are trying to seek it.

                            This situation is beyond any internet therapy.

                            You need to PM any one of us from here.. give us some contact info and we will do our best to find someone in your area that will listen to you.

                            If you have that feeling again, don't hesitate to pick up the phone and dial 911. It takes courage to ask for help.

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                            • #59
                              Its Saturday, well now Sunday....I managed to make it through today , but I have drank all night. Its going on midnight EST and the beer has been calming me down making me think clearly. I think I am going to go off the medications that arent working for me. I don't seem liike the medication tiype person. Poison is what they are doing to me, you know that once you let someone get into your head you are letting them live there for freee. THe therapist is living there for free.f I have tried guys to hold on and I just cant do it anymore. I am too ashamed to get much more help. THis typing is some form of an outlet and if anyone learns from this I hope its for the good. I am a lost cause. Drifting away til I am out of sight. Will my presence be missed I sometimes wonder, will my memory be tainted. My career has been tainted., my life has been tainted. Things that are tainted usually remain suspect.

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                              • #60
                                Originally posted by pontiacgm01 View Post
                                Its Saturday, well now Sunday....I managed to make it through today , but I have drank all night. Its going on midnight EST and the beer has been calming me down making me think clearly. I think I am going to go off the medications that arent working for me. I don't seem liike the medication tiype person. Poison is what they are doing to me, you know that once you let someone get into your head you are letting them live there for freee. THe therapist is living there for free.f I have tried guys to hold on and I just cant do it anymore. I am too ashamed to get much more help. THis typing is some form of an outlet and if anyone learns from this I hope its for the good. I am a lost cause. Drifting away til I am out of sight. Will my presence be missed I sometimes wonder, will my memory be tainted. My career has been tainted., my life has been tainted. Things that are tainted usually remain suspect.
                                Stop drinking so much, do your meditations, and no drunk typing!
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                                Copy and paste Bunny into your
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