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  • Close to stalking?

    The following is a personal account of what happened to me recently in the Canadian city I live in.
    I think it's an interesting situation to know about.


    It was almost 10p.m, and May 7th, 2007-a quiet Monday night. I had just returned from a meeting. After putting my handbag away, I changed into comfortable clothes, turned on some music, sat down at my computer and checked my e-mail. Most of the material sitting in the inbox was spam-however, there was an email from somebody I thought I knew, but couldn’t place. As well, the email he’d sent sounded peculiar. It was an email asking me to visit a certain website.
    I pulled up his email address, made a mental note of his screen name, messaged his screen name through an instant messaging software, and questioned him about the email. He asked me how I was, and said it had been very long time since he had talked to me. It was then that it hit me.
    A number of years ago, this man had contacted me through the Internet. At the time, I was attending college. He and I started instant messaging one another every now and then. He told me about his childhood in Afghanistan during the Russian invasion. The experiences he had were frightening, and saddening-the situations he had encountered as a child were grotesque in nature. I expressed an interest in doing an essay on him. He had been through experiences people don’t think about everyday, which was one of the reasons I wanted to do an essay on him. He agreed to be interviewed, and we set a date.
    The interview went as planned, and by the end of the week I had submitted a brilliant essay to my instructors…
    When I met him, the man came across extremely shy, proper, quiet, and respectful.
    I did agree to meet him again one evening to express my thanks to him for the interview. Afterwards, I sensed he had instantly become needy, and formed an immediate attachment to me. I decided to back off, and cut off all communication with him, as I had never had any intention of pursing him in a romantic way.
    A few years later, I was getting my hair done at a salon. Having admired my haircut, I headed for the exit. A man seated at the doorway greeted me. I didn’t recognize him at first, and was startled he knew my name. It was him- the man I’d interviewed years ago. He had changed his hair. His dark hair now had blonde streaks in it. He approached me, and said, “You haven’t been returning my phone calls…”
    Hesitant, I kept our conversation short, and then left the salon. I walked home, emailed him, and told him I have a boyfriend who I was engaged to. (I could think of no other way of hinting to him that I wasn’t interested in him.) I did not hear from him after that-until now, as I sat at my computer.

    The time was now 2:00a.m. He instant messaged me, and asked me repeatedly to call him. Finally, I placed the call to his cell phone, dialing the number he typed out. I would soon come to know it was a big mistake. At first, his conversation with me was normal. He asked me how I was, said it had been ages since he and I had talked-asked me about the man I said I was going to be married to, e.t.c, e.t.c. I talked to him politely, and kept it diplomatic. I asked him if he was still living at the house we had our interview in, and said, “Are you living somewhere else now?”
    He answered,” close to you…” This made me a little uncomfortable.
    As it turned out, he was now living across a field behind the neighborhood I am in. He was also extremely close to my house. This didn’t sit well with me.
    He proceeded to try and convince me to step outside my house, and walk with him. I refused. It was late, I said. I wouldn’t be stepping out to meet him.
    All of a sudden, his voice changed, and he started talking to me in an extremely inappropriate manner. He asked me to go with him to his house, promising nobody would notice I was in there with him. He would “keep me in his basement,” he said flirtatiously.
    I was taken aback at his flirtation and angry he was talking to me in such a raw, disrespectful way. I told him he had changed greatly from when I had last met him. He said, “I’m not shy anymore…I know what a girl likes…” He said, it wasn’t that he meant to scare me or anything, but he’d been anticipating “other” things the day I had interviewed him. He said, he was “scared and excited” that I would come onto him, and explained a he had a secret sexual relationship with an older woman as a child back in Afghanistan.
    I told him not to expect such things, and he could be assured such things would never take place between the two of us. He continued to flirt with me for a time.
    He asked me,” do you like doing it in bed-or in the shower?”
    I demanded what he was talking about, to which he said he knew what girls did when they were alone to find relief. I told him to shut up, and not talk to me in this manner.
    He said, “If we weren’t such close friends, I would come there and make you moan-but I don’t think you know how to moan…come on, react to me. Talk dirty to me. I want to see you react.”
    Then, all of a sudden-he paused, and asked, “Why is the light in your room still on?” I bolted upright in my chair, and swore at this-realizing he had walked to my house, and was staring up at my room window. (He’d obviously memorized the location of my home, as he had dropped me off at my house after our interview years ago.)
    He said, “Don’t worry-I’ll be gone by the time you get to the window.” I told him he was bluffing, and that I called his bluff. He responded, fine, he was walking back to my house.
    “What are you going to do when you get here?” I said incredulously.
    “I’m going to come up to your room.”
    I laughed at this, and said, “Go ahead, you can meet my brother, too, while you’re at it-he’s home.” At this point, I told him to call it a night, and finally, ended the conversation. He asked how it was going to be-should he call me, or was I going to call him in the future? I told him it wasn’t a good idea, either way.

    The night of May 24th, 2007, he contacted me online, and said I had “never called him.” I told him he had to leave me alone starting right then, and I didn't want to talk to him. He said, “Okay fine.”
    "Justice will exist when both parties admit their faults..."

  • #2
    It sounds to me during all of this you are largely part of the cause for most of this. You're in a way hanging a bit of the carrot in front of his nose entertaining e-mails, instant messaging and telephone calls thus giving him the idea that you are interested.

    If you do not want to have contact with him, I would strongly urge you to stop doing so immediately and make good on that. In addition, if you feel you are being stalked, you best seek a peace bond through the courts so he is not able to communicate with you or go near you.

    Comment


    • #3
      I know this. I've learned theres no sense in trying to maintain diplomacy in awkward situations like these- and I know my communication may have sent mixed signals to him. What I did not know was he's a bit soft in the head.

      At first I didn't even bother going to the cops with this information, believing it was my own actions that contributed to this, but everybody I know pushed me to do so, telling me its possible he's been doing this to other women in the city, too, who may have reported him to the cops in the past.
      Finally, I did call the police and tell them what had happened.

      I was advised of what to do.
      "Justice will exist when both parties admit their faults..."

      Comment


      • #4
        Seeking a protection order from the courts on this guy isn't going to save other women from him if he is in fact stalking. It merely provides you a little protection and piece of mind when it comes to his activities. For the most part, if he is a "stalker" he's not chasing random women around town. They tend to be obsessive when it comes to one person, hence why they are doing it in the first place.

        If you've already been advised of what to do, I'm not sure what exactly your thread is intended for other than entertainment of story telling.

        Comment


        • #5
          On the contrary, in addition to what he said to me that night, he talked about how he frequents the college I used to attend. He knows the names of several female college students there. From what I can tell, they all share the same ethnic background. (Muslim/ Middle Eastern.)

          Also, he says, in the past, a young girl approached him as he was sitting in his car.

          The girl offered sex for money. According to him, he talked with her and asked her why she was prostituting herself on the streets, to which she told him she did it because she was hungry.

          He then took her to a fast food joint and bought her food. He says he's been taking her out and buying her food ever since, and, everytime he's with her, she cries and tells him he's the kindest man she's ever met.
          "Justice will exist when both parties admit their faults..."

          Comment


          • #6
            this is not "close to stalking" it is. MAke it very clear, (get a witness if needed) and always have someone check you ethier by phone or by door.

            get a dog.

            http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/areyoubeingstkd.htm

            great info there.
            ‘Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.’
            Oscar Wilde

            Comment


            • #7
              You went into great detail disclosing all of this. But as I'm reading this, I kept wondering, why you remained on the phone? (I hope ladylove isn't how he knows you). Take it from a man, he's stalking you. Period. I strongly suggest that all remaining e-mails go unanswered. And unless you have some sort of attachment to your e-mail name, I recommend you change it. This way, you're not bothered with IM popping up on your screen while you're surfin the net. Another episode of him popping up in front of your place of residence may also require that you start exploring a change of address. These are all beginning signs of HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE behavior. Do not take this lightly.

              A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than yesterday. Jonathan Swift 1667-1745

              It's only a conspiracy when your party is not in power.

              Comment


              • #8
                As stated earlier, when the conversation started, mine was an attempt to keep diplomatic and not insult him.

                I was also taken aback by what he was saying and too startled to react initially, which is why I didn't hang up the phone right away. It didn't occur to me, to be quite honest. I didn't expect he would start talking to me the way he did.

                No he doesn't know me by ladylove.

                Thanks for your posts.
                Last edited by ladylove; 05-27-2007, 09:35 PM.
                "Justice will exist when both parties admit their faults..."

                Comment


                • #9
                  insult him, be blunt and tell him to leave. and like leang said, youmight have to move.
                  ‘Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.’
                  Oscar Wilde

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    regardless of who's fault it is... you're the focus of the unwanted attention.


                    keep documentation / notes of what has or is occurring (keep a log / journal)
                    consult with your area authorities for what to do next - what needs to be
                    "proved", etc.
                    consider obtaining a court order for him to stay away HOWEVER realize, this
                    is only just a piece of paper.
                    document, document, document
                    notify your work (security, manager, etc.) of this sitation
                    call the authorities for formal action if this continues

                    be aware of your surroundings at all times
                    varying your parking (car) if possible
                    avoid a routine
                    buddy up with someone if possible
                    consider personal defense "weapon" if allowed (OC, etc.).

                    good luck
                    ''Life's tough......it's tougher if you're stupid.''
                    -- John Wayne

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      All the advice given so far is very correct. The question I have is if you were so uncomfortable with the phone conversation why did you let it continue so long instead of hanging up the phone?

                      FB

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by sgttom View Post
                        consider personal defense "weapon" if allowed (OC, etc.).
                        For clarification OC is not permitted up here. If personal security is a concern of yours, seek a women's defence class. Just about anything can be used to protect you, car keys can be nasty things

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Wow, women don't have any options other than physically overwhelming their opponent?

                          Why would you make OC illegal? That to me is beyond ridiculous.
                          -I don't feel you honor someone by creating a physical gesture (the salute). You honor them by holding them in memory and, in law enforcement, proceeding in vigilant, ethical police work. You honor this country or deceased soldiers or whatever you're honoring when you salute a flag by thinking, feeling, and continuing a life of freedom.

                          --ArkansasRed24

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Oh and I would cut off communication with that guy. Sounds like he is a sexual deviant and could threaten your safety the more he knows about you. Since you already told him in no uncertain terms to leave you alone I immediately seek a protection order if he so much as appears where you are next time. Also, if Canada won't sentence you to life in prison for it, carry a cutting or stabbing weapon. A pen can be a weapon as well as tweezers, scissors, or even a butter knife. Stabbing a person in the eye will cause them to be more concerned with damage control than attacking you which would give you enough of a chance to escape. It's not paranoid to keep your eyes open and consider your environment.
                            -I don't feel you honor someone by creating a physical gesture (the salute). You honor them by holding them in memory and, in law enforcement, proceeding in vigilant, ethical police work. You honor this country or deceased soldiers or whatever you're honoring when you salute a flag by thinking, feeling, and continuing a life of freedom.

                            --ArkansasRed24

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              There's also the case with a certain aspect of a Muslim man's mentality.

                              When a Muslim man hears the words, " no", " leave me alone," or"get out of my life," from a woman-it only gives him more incentive to pursue the woman, win her over, and make her his. He feels he has to have her. He will not take no for an answer. He enjoys the challenge that he perceives her to be.
                              The fact that she's refusing him is irresistable, and extremely attractive to the man, who then proceeds to pursue her and continue pursuing her with a strong determination.

                              Quite annoying, as it turns out often to be a no win situaton.
                              "Justice will exist when both parties admit their faults..."

                              Comment

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