On the subject of marriage.

[Don]

Originally posted by jellybean40:
has anyone heard of the book "The Surrendered Wife." i think that's the title. it instructs a woman not to question her husband or fight about anything. everyone on the 'talk shows' who have tried it SWEAR by it. seems kind of unfair to me, as a woman.

Sounds more like a way for the author and publisher to make money than it does like legitimate advice. It also sounds like a load of horse apples!

Thank God my wife DOES question me. She certainly helps me keep from making a lot of stupid mistakes. I do the same for her. For heaven sakes, isn't that a good part of what marriage is all about?

If you don't have open communication, I don't think you have much of a relationship.

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"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!"
6P1 (retired)

[blondie72]

Originally posted by Jellybean:

has anyone heard of the book "The Surrendered Wife." i think that's the title.

I haven't heard of the book, Jellybean- but I'm certainly going to follow it up, and find out a bit more about it. It has piqued my interest. From what you have described though; I'm probably going to concur with Don, and say "It sounds like a lot of horse apples!" lol

Good communication is the basis of any strong relationship.

JKT: I have no doubt that when you find that special lady- you will make a connection, and shyness won't be an issue

[JKT]

Jellybean and Blondie: Thanks

[Neltja]

Jack,

The lady who lands you will be fortunate indeed. Special deserves special.



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Nell

"People are like stained-glass windows, they sparkle and shine when the sun is out but when the darkness sets in
their true beauty is revealed only if their light is from within."
- Elizabeth Kubler Ross

[jellybean40]

Originally posted by blondie72:

I haven't heard of the book, Jellybean- but I'm certainly going to follow it up, and find out a bit more about it. It has piqued my interest. From what you have described though; I'm probably going to concur with Don, and say "It sounds like a lot of horse apples!" lol

yes i know, i thought so too. and i thought it very bad against women. but watching people discuss it was verrrry interesting. and i shouldnt say the wife cant "question" the husband, i cant think of the words to describe it. it's probably more of an "old-fashioned" marriage, for lack of a better term. my parents were married 56 years, and my mom didnt let my dad "get away" with anything, but i do think he more or less wore the pants in the family. if you find out info about the book let me know what you think.

[jellybean40]

i found a "Surrendered Wife" link i'll post and hope it works. kind of makes my jaw drop reading it... but i did see some very happy couples who swear by it. hmmmm...
http://www.surrenderedwife.com/workshop.html
http://www.surrenderedwife.com/media...topstory2.html

[This message has been edited by jellybean40 (edited 05-18-2001).]

[lrbrown]

I've heard about the "surrendered wife" bull**** and I must admit, even the title offends me. Can you say "Stepford wife"??

[blondie72]

Thanks for posting those links, Jellybean

I must say that after reading them, I am even more skeptical than I was originally. The author is not a therapist, or a counselor- yet she makes the claim to be an "Expert on relationships" That's quite a claim! The book boasts techniques that will "Revitalize intimacy IMMEADIATELY" That's also quite a claim.

Apparently, the author was a "Controlling woman", and she admits that her overwhelming desire to control every aspect of her relationship with her husband- stemmed from fear issues. There are also some testimonials from other "Controlling women", who admit that lack of self- worth, pain, and fear were primary motivators for their behaviour.

OK, that I can deal with. If these are the core issues that are causing conflict within any relationship; then those underlying issues must be examined, and worked out, in therapy.

However, it seems that the book instead encourages these women to simply: "grant decision- making authority graciously", to the male. Is it just me, or does that seem a bit simplistic??????? Being a "controlling woman" may possibly be symptomatic of such inner issues as: fear, pain, and self- worth (as was postulated). To then suggest that a quick- fix for that would be to: simply "surrender", is merely temporarily treating the symptoms, and NOT the underlying conflicts within the relationship. The issues will resurface, in one way, or another.

I don't believe this is a healthy approach to resolving marital conflict. I agree with the psychologist that was consulted to comment: it sounds like a recipe for simmering long- term anger, and resentment.




[This message has been edited by blondie72 (edited 05-19-2001).]

[runningwolf]

this is an interesting topic...
having outlived 3 husbands, and divorced two, i have decided not to marry again...for the man's sake, as well as mine...
i have never proposed, nor have i said yes to the first proposal...i always wanted to make sure that the proposal was honest and truly meant...
some i turned down simply because that man was not one i wanted to spend my life with...
i do, however, have a male unit, 16 years younger than i...who has proposed repeatedly...for a smart man, he just doesn't get it...
not being legally married does not mean there is no commitment...
he has recently had a small stroke and seizures and requires constant care for a bit...the prognosis is good, and we expect a good, if not full, recovery...
(that is why i have not been on the boards)
surrendering total control on either side sounds like a very bad idea to me...
it sets a bad precedent should the submissive partner need to make a decision, and perhaps would leave that partner adrift were anything to happen to the relationship...or to the dominant partner, such as a debilitating stroke or illness...
i think this is just another one of those psychobabble fads where someone has found something to make money off the gullible...

[Don]

rw,

I'm sorry to hear about your partner's health problems. We will hope and pray for a speedy and full recovery!

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"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!"
6P1 (retired)

[runningwolf]

Originally posted by Don:
rw,

I'm sorry to hear about your partner's health problems. We will hope and pray for a speedy and full recovery!

thank you, don...the prayers are welcome and seem to be helping...
he is coming along...the memory loss, the confusion is hard for him to deal with...
he is able to speak now, without too much incoherence, and able to walk without help...
he still can't shave himself...
[my ex, (the sheriff's deputy), would NEVER have trusted me with a razor so close to his throat, ...]
every day is a small victory...
it is very difficult for him, as he is usually a bundle of raw energy...

[kheya]

My prayers are with you and yours.

Don't forget to care for the caregiver though this...

kheya

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My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

[Jim Burnes]

O'siyo,

My marriage has lasted now for 26 years. We seem to have found a middle ground wherein my wife Pat runs some portion of the marriage, and I some other portion. Together, we raised three good kids. My wife can take the full credit for that feat. She chose to stay home and raise the family, no child care for us.

At various times, when each of us fell ill the other just took up the slack, as it were. The family kept going.

Early on as a Military Policeman, I came to certain conclusions, based on what I had to see and do on duty.

1. Never argue over what is served for dinner.

2. Never argue over money. Budget income.

3. Never make cutting remarks.

4. Put the wife first in all things.

Just those four things made for a calm and orderly household.

I have my culture to rest on, their tenets are the foundation of my marriage. I know very well how lucky I am.

Jim Burnes

[Don]

Originally posted by Jim Burnes:
I know very well how lucky I am.
Jim Burnes

Yes, Jim you are very lucky. But IMHO you have made a great deal of that luck yourself, by following your wisdom from within!

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"Don't teach in German, then test in Japanese!"
6P1 (retired)

[Jim Burnes]

Siyo Don,

Like I was taught at home: The family first, the individual last.

And way too many times I found myself standing in someones home, breaking up a fight while little kids looked on. I swore I'd never put my kids through that trauma.

Jim Burnes