Dilemma........ advice please?

[colinm]

With all your moralising on the 'Characters...' thread. What advice would you give on the following situation I have at the moment.

A 35 year old officer on my shift married for a second time to female officer in 30's, he is still having sex with first wife whom he sees on a regular basis when visiting his son.

He decided he no longer loved present wife and on the day he decided he was leaving and returning to first wife, she states 'Darling I'm pregnant, I'm so happy' (first child)

Officer then enters a period of depression telling wife no does not love her but will try and make marriage work, he sees doctor who prescibes vallium. We give him time off work to patch things up with wife.

So what does he do.....??? just jets off on a day trip with first wife to Venice paid for by her!!

His present wife is due to give birth in the next few days..........

What advice would you give??? if I get any replys I shall tell you what I told him.

PS Kateydoc please no reference to germs bugs or diseases..... this is serious!!!!

[Don]

Originally posted by colinm:
We give him time off work to patch things up with wife.

So what does he do.....??? just jets off on a day trip with first wife to Venice paid for by her!!

Ok, so you have a guy working for you who is obviously a jerk. You gave him time off to do one thing, and he did something else.

It is obvious that this guy is a "user" as he is using both of the ladies, and the department. He also does not appear to have any morals.

That being said, has he violated any department policy. The time off you gave him, did he have it coming as vacation/comp time or whatever? If he had the time coming, if he hasn't violated policy or broken any laws, I don't see where there is much you can do. The guy's personal life, while it may be a mess, while it may not be up to some of our moral standards, is after all his personal life. I don't see that the department has much place in saying/doing anything here. I think every one of us here have known folks who were good officers, but had an absolutely horrible personal life.

However I sure would keep an eye on him. If he is "bent" in this way, is he also "bent" when it comes to other things?

One other thing. I do hope he is not on duty while taking Valium!

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"I'm just a "senior teen-ager!"
6P1 (retired)

[ALadyToYou]

Originally posted by colinm:
With all your moralising on the 'Characters...' thread.

I truly hope I am taking this the wrong way and that you do not mean to sound insulting to us for giving our opinions on cheating husbands!

With the help of a professional, I feel this man should step back and decide what he wants. He can't keep going back and forth between the two women. That behavior is too damaging for all involved. Particularly, now that a child is involved. The women should also seek some guidance. Hope this mess works out.

[colinm]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by ALadyToYou:

I truly hope I am taking this the wrong way and that you do not mean to sound insulting to us for giving our opinions on cheating husbands!
--------------------------------------------
I apologize without reservation I did not mean to sound insulting........ just that there was a graet depth of feeling on that thread and I do have this dilemma.

I have got to look after this guy at work or 'suicide watch' as someone remarked! he is totally wrecked trying to make a decision he is with his wife whom he does not love but knows he must try and make it work, and his ex. whom he does love but divorced because they they cannot live with each other.

Don.... yes he takes his vallium (diazapam) while at work.... doesn't seem to do much good, he is still miserable.

[Mitzi]

This guy has some serious problems and needs some serious help. He needs counseling as soon as possible.
My ex-daughter-in-law was something like this. I remember making a statement that made her stop and try to think with that muddled brain of hers. I said, "You need to find out why you play with peoples lives this way. It's not fair and it's going to come back and bite you in the butt someday." (And it did! )
The problem with your friend is he has some serious psychological problems. My bet is, if he should happpen to go back to wife #1, he will then want to start seeing wife #2.
He has a dangerous job that should not be compromised by such a seveer problem.

[retired]

If his mental state is affecting his performance at work, don't you have a departmental Psyche who can evaluate, and if necessary, treat him?

I agree with Don, that if he is performing okay at work, it's not your problem, yet!

Retired

[ALadyToYou]

Colin: Thank you, you are a gent!

If this man is as desperate as you say, he must get professional help ASAP. Sometimes we get ourselves into what we think are hopeless situations, but, there is always help. Can you help him contact someone?

On a personal note, I would not stay in a relationship if there was no love. Even 'for the kids.' I think it is more harmful to all involved. I don't have children but I believe that they know what is going on! Living a lie just seems more hurtful.

[Don]

Originally posted by ALadyToYou:

On a personal note, I would not stay in a relationship if there was no love. Even 'for the kids.' I think it is more harmful to all involved. I don't have children but I believe that they know what is going on! Living a lie just seems more hurtful.

AMEN to that! Lady I stayed in a relationship like that. For fifteen years"because of the kids." What a bunch of BS. EVERYBODY was happier when there was no more constant fighting in the house!


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"I'm just a "senior teen-ager!"
6P1 (retired)

[blondie72]

Colin,
I agree that your friend needs to seek professional counseling. Whomever prescribed him diazepam, should also have given him a referal for therapy.

It is important that your friend follow that referal. It sounds like he is suffering with unconscious conflicts; that are seriously affecting the quality of his interpersonal life.

Therapy will help him uncover those conflicts, help him make positive changes in his thinking patterns, and behaviour. He needs help managing his anxiety, understanding where his conflicts arise from, and how they are affecting his decision- making process. Through therapy he will learn to take effective control of his life.

[colinm]

Thanx Blondie72 but he aint my friend ... just my problem.

They made him my gaoler at the station....result, he makes an arse, gave out the wrong property to an outgoing prisoner. when the problem is found ie the prisoner whose property it is comes for release, I just fall about laughing... what else could I do????!!!!

I get a phone call at home some hours later at home, when i'm off duty, from my boss saying' Colin please don't laugh at ..... he may do something silly!!!! derrrr!!!!

Putting the guy with me 'on suicide watch' was a mistake, the guy ain't going to depress me.....

[ALadyToYou]

Originally posted by Don:
Lady I stayed in a relationship like that. For fifteen years"because of the kids."

Yes, Don, I remember reading that in your prior posts. What is wonderful is that you have been blessed with a loving relationship now.

[Don]

Originally posted by ALadyToYou:
Yes, Don, I remember reading that in your prior posts.

OOOOOPPPS, sorry, creeping senility you know!

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"I'm just a "senior teen-ager!"
6P1 (retired)

[blondie72]

Colin: LOL, ok he's not your mate

It sounds like he may be suffering with an emotional disorder(s), and these unconscious conflicts are affecting his capacity to effectively deal with his everyday life. Hence messing up at work.

I can't stress therapy enough, in this case. He needs help with a revision of his values, beliefs, and identity. A therapist will help him examine the destructive patterns of behaviour and roles within his relationships; that have become set. He will then be able to take back control of his life.

I'm assuming he has a referal for therapy from the MD/ psychiatrist who prescribed him diazepam. If not, there are many excellent psychotherapeutic organizations in the UK; through which an appropriate referal can be made. I worked as a child psychotherapist in the UK, so let me know if I can point you in the right direction.



[This message has been edited by blondie72 (edited 05-14-2001).]

[Don]

colin,
Perhaps this is cold on my part. But it sounds like maybe this IS affecting his job. While I agree that he needs to seek psychiatric help, I am wondering what a good swift kick in the backside would do either for or to him!
Perhaps, if he is unwilling to seek counseling on his own, a little (or a lot) of pressure to do so if he wants to keep his job, just might get him to do it! But I don't believe you can do this unless his job performance is indicative of it.
Good luck with this guy!


blondie,

I guess you and I were posting at the same time!
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"I'm just a "senior teen-ager!"
6P1 (retired)

[This message has been edited by Don (edited 05-14-2001).]

[blondie72]

LOL, Don .

I always tell my hubby "Great minds think alike"; to which he always counters: "And fools never differ"