My personal story of suicide

[Joseph]

I don't usually talk about this but here we go. I was married over 16 years. I thought I was as close to my wife as any one could be. When she turned 34 she became depressed. We talked and I found out she was depressed because she was abused as a child. I have a friend that is a doctor and he found a list of the very best doctors in the area. She chose to see a woman which was find with me as long as she handled child abuse. She had sessions 2 days a week. She started talking to me in the morning and every night. She had been seeing the doctor 2 or 3 hours a week for at least 8 months. I got injured on duty and had knee surgery. Like the Yates woman she stopped taking her medicine so I kept the bottles and would give her the medication every day and even check her mouth like a kid to make sure she swalowed it. I always took her to the doctor but that day my knee was packed in ice after surgery. She asked me if I was going knowing I couldn't. She then asked me if I wanted some coke from the store. I said yes so her mission was to go to the doctor and the store. She seemed fine to me. She went to the store and bought the cokes but never went to the doctor. When the office called I knew something was wrong because they said she never showed up and she was never late for anything. My youngest daughter called from school and I got a friend to pick her up because she said mommy was there but scared her because she wanted her to get in the car real quick and was mad. My wife was a very composed person gave me the silent treatment but never screamed very often. My daughter only 8 was scared to get in the car. Night came which she was never out alone. Then I got a phone call from a pay phone and she said she forgot to kiss me good bye. I had 3 minutes to talk her out of suicide. The phone went dead. I called my Captain and he got a broadcast of her and a desription of the car put out every 15 minutes on all of the surounding agencies and New Orleans. We always went east every weekend to the Mississippi Gulf Coast where we had a house. I had most of Mississippi Police searching for her. The next day I got another call saying after you decide to kill yourself It's not that bad. She said she had left a tape recorder home because she wanted to tape me something. I had my last 3 minutes to talk her out of it then she told me she loved me and we all would be better off without her. The police found her 2 days later in a Sheraton Hotel dead of an over dose. She stoped got her prepscription filled, bought a blue night gown because blue was my favorite color. She only weighed 100 lbs and had all of my pain pills, muscles relaxers and a variety of pills to kill a horse but wrote me a leter saying she didn't want to take my medicine because I might have trouble geting it filled. We were as close as close could be and didn't even know her at that moment. She also said she was trying to take my daughter with her because this was a cruel world. I just got lucky that my daughter as young as she was noticed something was wrong with her or it would have ben another Yates case. She knew me better than I knew her and went west to Baton Rouge, La. I would have never dreamed of looking there. The only chance I had of anyone stoping her was the state police. She registered under her maiden name. If she had taken my daughter would I be a Rusty Yates. I do find him however uncaring. She's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. I will always feel I let the kids mother slip through my fingers. I should have noticed something. I was a vetran police oficer and knew all the signs of suicide. Saved many but couldn't save my wife. What was ironic I was injured with my kne after faling of a bridge talking a guy down of a bridge and he puled me over the side and I fell 60 feet into a swamp and a canal. I do fel however Andrea Yates should pay for her crime. I don't know what to say about Rusty Yates except he doesn't sem to care. I know I almost walked however in his foot steps. However he may have known more than me. GOD BLES THE YATES CHILDREN AND MY WIFE.

[klar]

Joe,

I can see where you can relate to the Yates case and how its similaities are closely related to your trial. I think the fact that you care soo much about what has happened to your family is what is making your life of living and raising your daughter a lot different than the Yates case. It is hard to talk a person out of suicide when they are convinced that they need to do it. I feel for you and your family for the loss of your wife. I think even if you had found her before she did it she would just find another way of doing it. It may have been worse for you then.

One thing I can say is count on your blessings and see that your daughter is rasied right and that she has great memories of her mother and the wonderful person she was before that few days. I can't and won't sit here and tell you I know how it feels because I can not imagine what I would do if I was in your shoes. Just know that we are out here and will support you however possible but do not compare yourself soo much to Yates as you care and he doesn't.

Klar

[Joseph]

Thanks Klar I have five children and five grandchildren. It's just something I live with every day. I know if I would have stopped her that time they would had been another one. The next time I might have lost my youngest daughter. Something I'll wonder about and second guess forever. I just feel I failed the children. My only sanity in this whole thing they don't feel I did either or let them down in any way. That I can be thankful for.

[klar]

Well if they feel that you have not let them down in any way then you did a great job on raising them and now that you have grand children you have even more to be thankful for. I know what it is like to second guess yourself and yes you very well could have lost your youngest if you had stopped her. I know that I second guess myself for a lot of the cases that I did and how I handled them. I can sit here and what if all night and day and still that will not change anything. You did right and you did the best you could. The fact that the kids support you and what you did then there should be no regrets other than not spending your life time together with her. I just do not want to see you compare yourself to the Yates as your past is soo much differnt than his.

Besides you can live the life my dad says he is gonna live. "live long enough to be a nuasance to your kids as you spend their inheritance." LOL

Klar

[Pigskin]

Joseph,

I'm sorry for your loss but glad you are able to talk about it. Getting it out is a big thing for your own sake. My wife went into a depression about seven years ago when she had her father, sister, & brother all die within a month of each other. She underwent counseling but every year for about three years she had the blues all through Autumn. I'm afraid I wasn't the most supportive I could have been because my own views about suicide being a stupid way to go clouded my vision. We did talk & she mentioned suicide a couple of times. We rode the edge for awhile but things got better & she can talk about her sister, brother, & father now without feeling bad. I don't know what I would have or could have done in your situation. Whether you believe in God or fate or whatever, you do what you do & things happen the way they do. Whether or not we could have changed it is after the fact. Continue to think of her and remember her but she did what she thought best, whether we agree or not,. God bless.

[Mitzi]

Joseph, I am so so sorry for your pain. Suicide affects so many people. Her pain was just too deep.
I just recently rode the edge. When they told us our son could have this miracle surgery and then couldn't, I almost went over the edge. My husband was in his own pain. I would have given anything if he had just put his arms around me but, when I ran to him, he said, "Now is not the time or place for this". I realize he was in shock, like me.
David not being able to have his surgery was like a death to me. My husband had just lost his job of 25 years and emotionally, I was doing very badly.
When our son came home, I was still really bad off. Then, they discovered my diabetes.
I waited til they went to bed then grabbed my son's meds, my husbands and mine and went into the front bedroom. I laid on the bed, holding all this stuff, begging God not to let me do it. Somehow, my clouded, pain-filled mind reminded me this would affect my family for generations to come and I didn't do it.
But, there have still been some moments so painful that I beg God not to let me wake up in the morning. But here I am so there must be some reason I am on this earth.
It must be so painful for you and your family, Joseph. I am so sorry.

[SpecOpsWarrior]

Joseph, I am very sorry to hear about your wife, keep your head up brother.

[LBomb]

Joseph, sorry about the loss of your wife. That's a very personal story and it takes someone who understands the tragedy of suicide to be brave enough to relay it. I hope that your telling of your story sheds some light on the subject for those who haven't experienced how devestaing suicide can beto the survivors.

[cajuncop]

Joseph, I feel for you bro. May you stay strong for your children and remember the good times that you and your wife had.

I am in a bit of a situation myself. My wife lost her job with the Bureau of Prisons last year. She has become very depressed and unhappy since then. She began going to counseling, but in my opinion it hasn't helped much.

Last weekend my wife, son, and myself went out hiking and to the park. I cooked dinner that evening and we had a great time. We went to bed that evening. When I awoke, she and my son were gone.

She called me later on and told me that she was unhappy and needed some time away. I told her to take all the time she needs, so as long as she gives us a chance to work out our problems together.

During this past week, it has been hard living day to day without her and my son. While it has only been a week, I pray that it won't be forever.

I just hope that she stays strong and keeps going to counseling so we can work on our problems.

[kateykakes]

(((((((Joesph))))))) ((((((((Mitzi)))))))
(((((((cajun)))))))

My heart goes out to all of you. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

[Blonde Heat]

Are you seeking help to deal with this incredible burden you carry. Sometimes it could be that closest friend you have. Just talk about it with someone. It will help tremendously. Prayers and thoughts are with you forever.

[wonderwoman]

I hope for the best for all of you as you deal with your situations. Take care. Never hesitate to ask for help, its out there to assist you.

[Mitzi]

When our son became so ill, I was, of course, beside myself. I reached out to so many people but ended up at a therapist because my friends just couldn't understand why I was so upset. Until you go through something like this, you don't know how hard it is, believe me. I can't even begin to imagine Jim's pain.
The therapist helped so much but I had to stop going to her when our insurance no longer covered it.
So, I do the best I can right now. I don't go to friends. I even had one gve me a lecture that she would only be there for me to a point and then she was just sick and tired of hearing it. Then her son got a brain tunor. Yes, I was there for her and she keeps apologizing for it. There is no need for her to apologize. She told me she had no idea what a horrible experience I had gone through until she went through it.
If you have a friend that has gone through terrible pain, never assume there is a point they will just get over it. I may never get over this. It shook me to the very roots of my soul and tears still come over it.
Joseph, PM me anytime.

[Joseph]

To every one of you who made a post on here. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm more hurt than depressed. I thank all of you for your concern. Thanks, Joseph

[Legal Assistant]

Joseph, my heart breaks reading your story...it brings back so many memories of when my brother's bestfriend committed suicide.

It's funny the things you remember...I was riding home from college w/ my bestfriend and we stopped at Exit 10 to grab breakfast at Hardees. I went to the payphone and called my house to find out if it was snowing b/c we kept passing cars headed Southbound that were covered in snow (ha...I even remember that I slipped on a patch of ice on the way to the payphone and got the pants leg on my windsuit all dirty). My dad answered the phone...told me it WASN'T snowing...and then said "I don't know how to tell you this..." and then laid it on me.

His birthday had been 2 days before and they had had a big party. His wife was pregnant w/ their 3rd child after their reconciliation from a brief separation. Financial affairs that WERE bad were beginning to turn around. And my brother...well...he didn't buy a birthday present this year b/c he had bought his bestfriend a .22 the year before for his birthday.

So 2 days after his birthday he leaves the house to pick up his wife from work and never shows up. Local law enforcement receives a call of shots fired in an area on a dead end road...ha, the people that called it in thought someone was possibly shooting at their animals. The first officer arrives on scene to find my brother's bestfriend dead and a suicide note in the car. I still remember the exact wording of the note..."On this day, of all days, f#@^ it. I can't make the decisions I have to make. I'm finally free of you and everything." It was signed "your used to be love" instead of "your love" like he always signed his notes to his wife.

7 years later it still hurts. It took me 2 years before I could drive down the road that connects to the one he was found at. Although I went to the funeral and the burial, I have yet to visit his grave. My brother suffered horrible guilt over having bought his bestfriend the weapon that he used to end his life and for years blamed himself.

God, I don't know if any of this made any sense...all I know is that suicide is never an answer to problems...it causes so much pain...leaves so many unanswered questions...and makes you feel guilty for being angry with your loved one for what they did.

But the thing is that life goes on...the baby was born (spitting image of Ken)...his wife just remarried this year...my brother married the woman who was his girlfriend at the time and has another child...and Ken's oldest daughter is almost a teenager!!! While everyone still misses Ken, life goes on...just like it would have if he had made the choice to live...it's just a shame that he couldn't see that.

[ 04-08-2002: Message edited by: Legal Assistant ]