To breed or not to breed.......

[Chief Wiggum]

........that is the question.

My wife told me that she was watching one of these talk shows (Oprah or something like that) and she said that they were having a discussion about having children and specificly about couples that decide not to have children. Some said that they just didn't think they were ready, some said that their lifestyles just weren't conducive to raising children and others said that they simply just liked their lives just the way they were.

She said that then some of the mothers in the audience started verbally assaulting (probably an over-statement) these people saying that they were being selfish and that unless they had children they weren't fully realizing their potential. I guess they couldn't comprehend why anyone with the means to support a child wouldn't want to have one.

We found this issue particularly interesting because my wife and I are kind of in the middle on this issue. Depending on what day you ask us you'll get a different answer on whether or not we want children. If we decide not to I hardly think that we will have wasted our lives or we will be unfullfilled.

What do you think?

[ateamer]

I have never wanted children. They're just not for me. My wife already had a kid (now 20) when we met, but he only lived with us for a few years.

Only one or two people have told me that we should have kids and how much of a joy they are. Sorry, (actually, not sorry at all), I don't want kids. I have my own things in life and kids will change everything. Raising a family is great for those who like it and I am happy for them. But no one has the right to tell me I need to have kids. I don't care about leaving a legacy or any of that.

No one should have children unless they plan for it and really want to commit the rest of their lives to raising the kids and understand that everything else will get aside for the next 20 years. Every child should be wanted.

[BunnyFoo-Foo]

I think it is selfish for a person to have children just because it is the "thing to do" That, many times, results in neglect or resentment of the child. There is nothing wrong with the decision not to have children; I actually respect people who decide that because they are so quickly branded as selfish when they are not.
Being a parent is not an easy task and to have a child for the mere status of it all is absurd. And sad..poor child.
Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever had and we did this after much thought. I miscarried our first child a month before 9/11 and thought that maybe that was Gods way of telling me that parenting was not for me.....I was just sad and so upset after my loss and then the attack on our country. Fortunately, I talked about my feelings with family and eventually had my baby Bunny, who has changed my whole life and has helped me learn so many new things about myself. I was born to be a mommy....some people are not and that is not bad, at all.

[ 06-23-2003, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: BunnyFoo-Foo ]

[PeacefulDragon]

My wife and I always wanted to have children, but put it off for a long time (we were together 7 years before we even started trying). The main reason for putting it off is that it was very important to us to be good parents and it took quite a while before we thought we were "ready".

Personally, I would have been heartbroken if I couldn't have had children.

However, I can't fathom why anyone else would care one way or the other whether you wanted to have kids or not -- how is it anyone else's business?

IMO, if you're not absolutely positive that you want children, then you're probably not yet ready to have them (and if you never want them, then so what? There's nothing wrong with that).

[BunnyFoo-Foo]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Frogman:
Then again there are some people in this world that shouldn't be ALLOWED to breed.

We had a controversial case here in Youngstown a few years back:
A black repeat drug offender kept having crack addicted babies that she couldn't care.
The white judge, appalled that she kept having crack addicted kids & tired of seeing her in his court, ordered her to get her tubes tied as part of her sentencing.
Well needless to say this started a huge sh**-storm that he did this because he was racist.
His tubal ligation order was appealed and overturned by a lawyer paid for by the NAACP.
The judge was hounded as a racist from then on....he argued he wasn't racist just tired of her having crack babies(she had four at the time).
Since then she's had two more crack addicted babies.

---

That story is so awful. I am surprised this idiot has not contracted an STD that leaves her sterile...it would be a blessing in disguise, no? Are her children still living with her; can't they just take them away as she has them? I know that is not really a solution, but what can be done? If more sentences like that were allowed and not overturned; there may be a decline in child abuse cases. Stories like that make me so mad...my sister, a wonderful woman, cannot have children and it just does not make sense that someone so good, like her cannot have kids, but someone so awful can have so many....AAAAHHH..need to hear from the Chaplain on this one.

[Xanthorius]

I think children are a huge blessing to parents, even those children that were suprises (I was, after 11 years of marriage, OOPS! A kid!).

Even so, my wife and I have decided that we don't want kids at all. We admit that our views may change later, but we discussed it and agreed on it before we were ever married.

When people get pushy, I always tell them, "I like kids, but I don't want any. I like Guiness, but I don't wanna be an alcoholic!" They usually either laugh and drop it, or get offended that I would compare a precious child to an alcoholic drink.

Seeing that my wife and I are both Christians who are pretty involved at our church, it is a source of friction for us pretty often- people will get pretty pushy about it. But it's our decision to make, not theirs.

[156]

I think if you decide not to have children it's your business and no one else's. It's not up to your family and friends to decide what's right for you. Do what you want.

[Chevy1]

It seems that the overwhelming majority of people who say they don't want children have thought hard about it and realize what is truly involved and decided not to do it. They like their lives and don't want to change it. It is a daunting task that involves your every ounce of being and shouldn't be entered into lightly. It is the hardest job there is and it irrevocably alters your life. That doesn't mean it changes for the worse, but it definately changes.

Some kids in my city see reproducing as some sort of 'badge of courage' or machismo thing like you're not a 'man' or 'woman' if you don't have a kid by 17! Fleas have babies!!! It's not that hard to do. Parenting on the other hand, now that's tough!!!

There is nothing wrong with NOT wanting a child.

[JKT]

I'm single, never been married (but currently involved ), and have no desire to have any offspring. My girlfriend, on the other hand, has three. I get along quite well with them, as I've known them since the oldest was about 3 (she's now 8 almost 9).

I still have no desire to have children of my own. My Brother has one son, so, in effect, I do have someone in the family to leave an estate to, and he and my Brother are named as my beneficiaries for that reason.

That may or may not change, depending on my situation, but I'm 45 now, and don't think I would have the energy to start a family at this time of my life.

Is this selfish? I don't think so. There are plenty of children that need good father figures and role models out there, that I have thought about volunteering with one of those agencies/groups, but don't really know if I would be able to fill those shoes.

This ramble boils down to the fact that it is the couple's choice, and no-one elses.

I have seen people get adamant about this, too. I just tell them it's my choice, and to butt out.

/rant

[jellybean40]

quote:

---

Originally posted by ateamer:
Sorry, (actually, not sorry at all), I don't want kids. I have my own things in life and kids will change everything. Raising a family is great for those who like it and I am happy for them. But no one has the right to tell me I need to have kids. I don't care about leaving a legacy or any of that.

No one should have children unless they plan for it and really want to commit the rest of their lives to raising the kids and understand that everything else will get aside for the next 20 years. Every child should be wanted.

---

I agree. Actually there are already alot of good posts in this thread, saying exactly how i feel.

I have NEVER wanted kids. (I agree with 156's post, also.) I am now 44, and i KNOW i wont be having any. I never even enjoyed babysitting when i was a teen LOL. I love my nieces and nephews (now grown), and i am able to play with my great-nieces and -nephews if i feel the "baby need."

The only time people really bothered me about it, was when i was married. But my family didnt ask, because they knew i didnt want kids. My ex-husband remarried and they had a baby right away, when all along he also said he didnt want kids...so i guess people do change their minds.

Nowadays people do ask me if i regret my decision, and i say no. I get teeny baby thoughts in my head sometimes...but never enough to want one! I saw the paramedics show the other nite where one delivered a baby in the ambulance...he said something like "i never get over the amazing feeling...a living thing coming out of another living thing..." or something to that effect, and he had done numerous deliveries. that DID kind of touch me.

[Glockarmorer]

I never wanted kids either. My now-ex-wife basically pressured me into having a child and, in my mind, it spelled the end of an already struggling marriage.

My daughter is now 7 and lives with her mom. I love her very much. But had I never had children, I wouldn't have felt as though there were any void in my life.

As for those soccer mommies who were berating the childless couples, they just need to STFU and worry about their own lives and their own decisions.

[156]

Scratchy, I'm sure you contribute a lot to the world. Don't sell yourself short!

Glockarmorer, it's nice to see you again. I haven't seen you post much lately.

Back last Fall I was taking classes to renew my license and there were three women in our class who belong to some kind of (wacky, IMO) religion where they're not allowed to wear makeup or jewelry, they can't wear pants, watch TV or listen to the radio, and various other things. My partner (who is a deputy) and I were the only two women in the class who didn't have children. Well, one night during the childbirth part of the class the discussion came up about who had kids. These three women found out my partner and I didn't have kids and they literally went off on us, telling us how God commands us to reproduce, it's not natural not to bear children, etc., etc. Of course, these women also thought we were harlots because we came to class wearing blue jeans and makeup.

By the way.......when I was referring to my partner, I meant my partner in class, not my girlfriend. I'm straight. LOL

[BunnyFoo-Foo]

156; in response to the women who say that God demands that we reproduce.....sure, He wants (not demands)that, but he also wants us to be able to care for our offspring and to be able to provide them with all they need. That is mighty difficult if one is forced to have a child by a spouse or the community, family..whatever.
I dont regret having a child...I dont regret the 27 hours labor with 3 hours of pushing an 8 pound 9 ounce baby out of my body; it was incredible and I am still awe stricken by a womans ability to do such a thing. Hell, that I did it......but that part was a piece of cake compared to being her parent. I do that 24 hours a day with no sick time or vacations or Demerol ....and that is o.k. I do it well, I think! I laugh at the dirty diapers now, we saved enough money just for her so we are not having to make sacrifices and even if we had to....so what. I already finished school and she is a good enough baby that we can take her to dinner with us without it being a big fiasco of screaming whining baby nonsense.
I am a better person now that I am a parent, but dont feel everyone needs to be. It is perfectly normal and people just need to mind their own business. I never ask someone when they are going to have a baby if they are childless....how do i know they are able to do so? I had been married for 3 months and my sister in law started nagging me about that..drove me nuts...she would not take the" We would like to wait..get to know each other better" It was not until I said, "Well, I dont even know if I can have a baby with the damage the accident may have caused and all." That was the end of that.

[ 06-23-2003, 10:42 PM: Message edited by: BunnyFoo-Foo ]

[n567]

quote:

---

By the way.......when I was referring to my partner, I meant my partner in class, not my girlfriend. I'm straight. LOL

---

Good thing too, you may not have gotten out alive if it was otherwise!

I'm a worldly 19, and that's probably why I have no desire for kids at this point.

[ 06-23-2003, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: n567 ]

[jellybean40]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Scratchy:
I find that generally people who are content with their life do not overly concern themselves with opinions about other people's lives.

---

You said it ALL right there! What a quotable quote. You're gonna start appearing on my sig line soon