NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon)

Iraq still closed off, physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels

Castro finally dies at age 112

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to
weight loss

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to
have sex with congressman

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%