A good friend of mine was seriously hurt last Friday and I need some advice.

[celia]

My advice would be to forget trying to over analyze this and trying to please the pyschiatrists. Be a friend first. You were wise to call her father. Send her a card with a caring note. Let her know that you are praying for her and that she can talk to you anytime she wants. She may not be afraid of ALL men, perhaps just strangers or those she doesn't know well. If she wants to see you, and you do end up visiting her, DON'T do anything that is the least be romantic. Just be a FRIEND. Just talk and spend some time with her if she wants it. Even if you are interested in her, keep it STRICTLY FRIENDS for a LONG time.

[ 02-28-2002: Message edited by: ThaliaMoser ]

[Jeffrey]

Dear Thalia,

Thank you for the advice. My intentions are not to be romantic and have never planned to take it furthur with her. We have always been just "close friends." I actually have interest in a different girl at this time, but I still care about my other friend who has been seriously injured. I thought I would let you know.

God Bless

[Sparky]

I work alot of sex crimes and have for some time. I can offer this:

While I may have some experience in sex crime investigation, I always keep in mind that no one is an expert in what it feels like to be raped. It is not a universal experience. One victim may react and feel one way, and other victims another. Don't ever say something like, "I know how you must feel." because you don't. No one does. Even another rape victim does not know what it was like for another person in their own experience.

However she does feel is okay. Don't try to change how she feels. They are her feelings. Let her have them. If she ever does talk to you about it. Shut your mouth and listen. Don't judge and don't try to give her the "buck up little camper" routine. Your caring should not be conditional.

This is something that happened to her. It is not who she is. It may take some time for her to realize this, and images of the event may be very intrusive for a long time. However, YOU can keep this in mind. Show your concern. Let her know that you care about her. But, after a point, don't walk on pins and needles around her. I've heard many a rape survivior tell me how they did not like how everyone kept treating them differently when they wanted to move on with their life.

I'm not the most religious person in the world, but I will say this. Of all of the rape victims that I have worked, I have noticed that the victims / survivors that seem to bounce back the best have been the ones with a strong faith. I'm not exactly sure why. I think it has something to do with their sense of self.

On the other hand, I have also seen these things turn people away from their faith, at least for a time.

You may also want to keep in mind that her needs in her recovery are different than your needs. I know you can have strng feelings to want to do something for her.. but remember... those are YOUR needs.

Your need to feel like you are helping, or are the source of some comfort are exactly that, YOUR needs. What is more important are HER needs.

I am sure that sending a card did not make you feel like you were helping much, but this is not about you feeling better. Alot of husbands / boyfriends have a hard time with this. People that care about viciims have their own needs, but you have to put their needs ahead of yours.

Don't allow yourself to back off if she engages in any self-destructive behavior. If she starts drinking or doing drugs, don't hesitate to call her on it because of what happened. Alot of folks let stuff slide for awhile after something like this, and then by the time they do say something, it's gotten out of hand and is too late.

I also have to say this:

Quote: "but some girls give it more of an invitation by the way they dress"

I DON'T CARE IF SHE WAS RUNNING NAKED THROUGH THE STREETS!! SHE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THAT WITHOUT HAVING SOME A-HOLE RAPE HER!!! MORE of an invitation?!? WTF?!?

Dude, I know that you "said" later that you didn't mean to offer that as an excuse, but look at what you, yourself, initially said. That the thought should ever cross your mind that anyone could somehow "invite" being raped is not the right answer.

If YOU wanted to wear "revealing" clothing, shouldn't you be able to do so without worrying about some guy raping you?

How would you feel if you were out washing the car wearing nothing but swim trunks and some guy came over and raped you? And then some jerk said something about "Well, you sort of invited it."

I know on some level, you didn't really mean that. Not after you thought about it. But still... the initial thought was there and anyone who thinks that ANYONE can somehow invite rape needs to give it some more thought.

And before some wise *** makes a crack about girls going to parties and getting smashed I'll say this... Next time YOU get drunk with YOUR friends, should you be worrying about whether or not they might rape YOU?

[Jeffrey]

Sparky,

Thank you for the advice. I didn't intend to start a flame war or anything. Invite was a bad word to use and portrayed the wrong idea. If we had actually been talking in person, I think it would have been clearer what I was saying. I wasn't trying to justify some rapes and condemn others. I haven't figured out how to word what I am trying to say. Therefore let's just forget it because rape is never justifiable.

Don't ever say something like, "I know how you must feel."

This is defiantly some of the best advice I have heard. I found this out a few years ago when everyone kept saying that to me after Columbine.

And before some wise *** makes a crack about girls going to parties and getting smashed I'll say this... Next time YOU get drunk with YOUR friends, should you be worrying about whether or not they might rape YOU?

I don't drink. Once again, I ran my mouth as usual and have generated the usual repercussions.

[Sparky]

Jeffery,

I didn't mean that as a flame.

You've been very sensitive to the issue and you did not come across as trying to imply that some women deserve to be raped.

But the comment worried me that you might have felt that way (even just a little), at least before you really thought about it and that concerned me.

I've run into alot of folks who say things like, "Well no one deserves it, but she shouldn't be surprised....", or "He shouldn't have done it, but what did she expect...", or "Well why did she go in the first place..."

I really didn't mean to bite your head off, and I hope you'll give me a pass if I came on too strong.

But having worked so closely with victims of sex crimes, perhaps it's a bit of a sore point with me.

I just see that attitude alot and I've seen more than one jury let these guys off because they, basically, didn't think the victim was a pristine virgin.

Then it's just a matter of waiting for the next victim.

I didn't mean to ram it down your throat, and maybe I have some "issues", but it's getting to where anytime I see that kind of thinking, I just have to address it.

No harm. No foul.

And that last comment of mine about the drinking wasn't directed at you, but rather some of the other folks out there.

[Jeffrey]

Sparky,

Thanks for the clarification. Now that I have read your message for a second time, I realized what you were saying. This has been a very tiring week, and I have not been reading everything as carefully as I should. I agree with you completly. I do believe that there are things women can do to help safeguard themselves, and that's more of the point I was trying to make. Even so, she somehow was attacked by a monster, and I hope that he is caught soon. Lakewood is a good Police Dept., and I know from my neighbor that they are doing everything they can.

My whole look on the situation has changed a little since Sunday. I told this to someone who e-mailed me. When I first found out, I wanted to kill him. This was my selfish desire. Now I am willing to let the PD do their work and let her heal.

Once again, thanks for the advice. I really didn't know how to respond when it first happened but now at least have some idea of what to do . . . be a good friend, shut up, and listen. I quite often have a problem of running my mouth too much and cannot let that happen the next time I see her.


God Bless.

[LBomb]

Jeff, I cannot offer you any advice since I have no expertise in this area. From my heart I would say be her friend and let her know that you are.
I will pray for her and hope she recovers emotionally.
Rape is one thing that I never got used to on this job. The rage just builds up inside me. I have so much respect for Sex Crime cops who can keep their composure when dealing with these cretins when deep down they want to choke the living s*** out of them.

[Jeffrey]

I don't mean to bother everyone again, but I have one more question. I have been trying to find an appropriate card to send for the past few days, but I just can't seem to find the right one. What do you send? "Get well soon," "Just thinking of you?" None of them seem appropriate. I don't want to make the situation worse, but "Get well soon" doesn't seem appropriate since she isn't sick (although she was seriously beaten after he raped her). Any advice would be appriciated.

[klar]

Jeff,

I would find a blank card and fill it with something you feel or go to one of those create-a-card machines and create one that tells her how you are thinking of her and hoping that she recovers from this soon. I know she is a good friend so any card that shows her that you care will be a welcome.

Klar

[lw4beau]

As a long time law enforcement officer, a few years of which I spent as a "crimes against persons" Detective, and a woman, I can only offer this advice. Your friend feels helpless, powerless, violated, terrorized and guilty. Contact her parents and tell them you're thinking of her. Offer any help they may feel appropriate, and ask for their advice. A "thinking of you" or friendship card is probably best. She will probably need counseling, which most rape crisis centers offer. This most probably was explained to her during her physical exam. Some women are so humiliated they go into a state of denial and refuse all help. It will be even harder for your friend because the violation occurred at her home; a place she felt safe and secure. However, all women behave and react differently. I truly believe that rape is not as much a sexual act, as an expression of power, humiliation, anger and control on the part of the perpetrator. I suggest just letting her know you are there for her. And above all, try to treat her as normally as she will allow. It's like a police officer who has been involved in a shooting. After the trauma of the event, the effects are often exascerbated when the officer is separated from his normal duties and life, and when people treat him so differently than they did prior to the incident. The person is the same person as before, they are just traumatized.

[SGT Dave]

Jeffrey,

Give us an update on her or PM me. I'm really wondering where all this has went since we last talked.

[Jeffrey]

I will update everyone tommorrow. I am kind of tired tonight. A lot has happened since I last posted, and I have only filled in Dave with the details. I have seen her a few times since the attack and she is doing extremely well concidering what happend. More to come tommorow.