A good friend of mine was seriously hurt last Friday and I need some advice.

[Jeffrey]

On Friday, February 22, 2002, (name ommitted for obvious reasons) was home alone. It was approximatly 10:00 p.m. Her parents were in (state ommitted for safety concerns) for a funeral. Her older brother is off at college, and her other siblings were at friend's houses. Aparently, she heard a noise outside and decided to go and investigate. From what I've been told, a man pulled a gun on her, forced her in her house, and raped and beat her. He then forced her into a closet and stay there. Somewhere between 5-6 hours later she came out and called the police (I'm glad she called them and didn't just hide what had happened). She was then taken to the hospital and probed and all of the other horrendous things that rape victims have to go through.

Anyway, when her parents first heard about it, they took the first flight back home that they could get (which isn't too hard since not as many people are flying these days). So far, she has not been able to return home and is living in a hotel room with her parents.

This particular girl has been somewhat special to me. I have been on one date my entire life and that was with her my senior year for jr/sr banquet. I can't believe a monster could do such a thing to her. She is such a nice person. We have actually gone to the range several times together (I'm still the better shot). Her father is a hunter and of course has several arms. Unfortuatly she never had an oportunity to grab the shotgun and blow this monster's brains out.

I appologize for rambling on. This has been another long week, but I need some advice. This question is directed at those who specialize in this type of crime and have experience in dealing with it. How long should I wait before I contact her by phone or in person. I am going to send her a card in the mail (but am going to first let her parents know). But I am honestly very confused as to what to do. I don't want to scare her, but at the same time want to let her know that we all care. She is approximatly 1.5 years younger than me (I'm 19). Is it the same as on L&O SVU where they are scared of every male? If so, how long does this last? Is she going to hate even good freinds for a period of time? Will this happen again in the future? I haven't talked to her yet, but when it is time, what do I say? How long should I wait?

I don't mean to bore everyone to death with details as I know she is not the first person this has happened to, but I do really care about her as she has played a very special role in my life. I was planning on riding with Lakewood last Friday, but my neighbor went on vacation. I'm glad, because if we had caught the guy while on patrol, I would probably have killed him and been e-mailing everyone from a prison cell right now. Instead, when I found out Sunday night, I but a few extra rounds into every terroist in SWAT 3. It felt really good and helped to let off a lot of steam.

Am I over-reacting to this? Once again this is a good friend of mine that had her virginity "ripped" from her by a monster that was prowling her neighborhood.

Also, for all of the non-atheists that believe in a higher being, both of us are Christians, and if you could just remember her in your prayers. She will be haveing her 18th birthday soon. I've never known a friend that had something like this happen to them and just don't know what to say to them.

God Bless

[SpecOpsWarrior]

Jeffrey, sex crimes aren't my area, and psychology isn't either, so this isn't professional advice.

I dont think your overreacting, it's perfectly natural to be angry at the guy who did this, and to also feel a tremendous amount of concern for your friend.

If I were you I would talk to her parents first, ask them if they feel it's ok for you to come over and talk to her, or just give her a phone call.

It's times like this when people find out who their true friends are, and I'm sure she probably needs every real friend she can get right about now.

[ 02-27-2002: Message edited by: SpecOpsWarrior ]

[Jeffrey]

Thanks for the advice. When Columbine happened, my friend Cassie was murdered. I didn't have as much hate toward the perps then as I do now towards this monster. This is something she will have to live with for the rest of her life. I will eventually forgive this guy but am not ready. Right now, I still wish I could kill him, although that would really solve nothing. Nobody even knows who it is. When they do catch him, I hope that the judge locks him up and throws away the key. I'm sick of people getting 15 year sentences for falling asleep at the wheel and killing someone, never haveing anything on their records previously, when rapists sometimes just get a couple and are out on probation right away. I'm sorry I just keep rambling on, but have really not had a chance to let it out to anyone. I just can't believe that this has happened to her.

In a few weeks after all of this has calmed down slightly, I will try to stop yelling at everyone. I'm really sorry and don't mean to, but just can't help it. She is such a special person.

[klar]

I second that. While everyone around her is shocked that it could happen to such a nice person, it still happened. It is going to be awhile before she will be more of her old self but she will never be the same. SHe has now experianced how bad life can get at times and she will need to see who her real friends are. Just be patient and let her know that you care for her and do not hold anything against her. She did no wrong but at times people will try to place blame on her. Letting her parents know you care for her will help as they will be able to see that she has friends that will be there for her.

Good luck and I hope everything turns out ok.

Klar

[Jeffrey]

I know she will be mad at her friends for a while and am not blaming her. I just don't want to hurt her any further, and don't know how to aproach it. She didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that no one asks for rape, but some girls give it more of an invitation by the way they dress. She was NOT like that. She always dressed modestly and by no means invited this in any way. I just wish she could have blown this non-human person away. She was beaten up so bad. I would post our jr/sr banquet photos but am going to wait about 2 years to protect her identity.

Am I even making sense to anyone?

[Joseph]

Unfortunately she had to experience such a horriffic crime of being violated in her young life to have to be attacked by this scum bag. There are a lot of vicious people out there most of whom I have ran across in my life as a police officer. She has went through a terrible ordeal by the rapist then the hospital followed by the investagation. I have handled them and after the examanations and the investigation she probally feels violated again. I think instead of sending a card it would be better to get in touch with the family and let them know you are thinking of her and let it up to her when she would want to see you. It's very common besides being in shock she feels that she did something wrong right now. Most women instead of realizing they the victim turn it around to make themselves feel they done something wrong. We both know she didn't but it's part of the grief process. Right now she's having feelings of being unclean and all sorts of thoughts running through her mind from the trauma. On the other hand she might need that special friend right now in her life. I would check with the family and try and get a feel to what they think. I would just try and be there for her and let her do any talking if she wants too. What she needs now is support and to be surrounded by a loving family and friends. Good luck to you and try not let your emotions take over in front of her. She needs someone strong by her side at this point in her life. God Bless both of you and let us know how she is doing and read the advice everyone gives you on here because most officers have handled rapes and it is a terrible ordeal. It just doesn't go away it will scar her for the rest of her life. Try and make the best for her of the worst experience of her life. Best of Luck. Never worry about rambling on if you need to get back on here and write what ever you are thinking. I wish there was more I could tell you to ease your pain.

[Joseph]

Jeffery I just read your post about the way she was dressed. That is probally what she is thinking right now . It makes no matter how she was dressed nothing gives the right to anyone to rape this young girl. I understand what you are saying but this is a crime and she will probally tell you the same words one day and you have to respond with no one has the right to violate you no matter how she was dressed. She is a victim of a crime she didn't cause it.

[Jeffrey]

I wish there was more I could tell you to ease your pain.

I wish I could ease her pain. I am going into law enforcement mainly to help people. I just feel helpless. I asked my neighbor this same question yesterday (he is a five year vetern) but he didn't really know. He is going to talk to the social service workers who actually handel the counceling. But I am also trying to get as much advice as possible. She is just so young. She was just 17. No 17 year old deservses this, especially not her. In all of the rides that I have done with my neighbor, we have responded to 2 rapes. From a professional standpoint, you try not to take it personal. But when it happens to a close friend, it changes everything. She has done so much for me. She was always there during tough times. I have known her for 4 years now. How time flies. I just wish I could back up time and be standing there with a Mossberg 590 when this monster arived on scene. I almost called him an animal, but I like K-9's and don't want to lower them to his level. This is almost harder to cope with than a friend being murdered. At least with a murder (had a total of two friends murdered), they aren't suffering anymore. With this type of crime, the suffering has just begun. Is this reaction even normal. I still don't know if I am making any sense. I need to go to bed now. Good night everyone. Please pray for her as she has "had better days."

God Bless

[Jeffrey]

Joe, as mentioned before that's what I am saying. She always dressed very modestly. She didn't wear the over-reveling clothing that many girls wear today. I was not justifying rape to anyone, but just saying it definatly should not have hapenend to her.

[mnrez]

Jeffery,
I will say a prayer for your friend, and for her family, tragedy has struck near you for a second time and I will pray for you as well. I have very little experience in these matters, but i can tell you to give her lots of time and space this is a very difficult thing to work out, at times you may be the shoulder she needs, and at other times she may be stand-offish, never take these feelings personally and try to understand.
she may not want to talk right away but the day will come when she can share her feelings with you.
as for right now I would also tell you to speak with her family first before resuming contact, they will be your best insight into her mental state.

Just my opinion

God bless you.

Rez

[InSane1]

Jeffrey,
It's so hard to approach someone who has had such a life altering experience. It's like a death and the only thing that I have ever found to work in those situations aren't words... rather, open ears and listening. You may find that she doesn't want to talk about it ever. OR.. She may want to talk about it until she feels that she has said every word there is to say about it. Open your ears and listen if thats what it takes. Allow her to get it all out (if thats how her coping mechanism works)

I have also learned, never make promises to someone who has been wounded this way. (like, telling them you will come over or call and then you never do it, or at least not when you said you would)

Keep it simple. In the midst of tragedy the only thing I can bring myself to say is "I wish I had words to comfort you, but I don't know what to say, except... I care and my heart hurts for you". I have said that twice and both times the people just talked my ear off and cried for at least an hour. It made me feel better because by the time they were done talking they looked at me and smiled. It was awesome. Find words that work for you, but again, don't make her promises.

[JKT]

Jeffery, you are reacting as any good friend would in these circumstances. I have been where you are.

The best advice I could give you is this: contact her parents, and ask tell them that you support her and wish to see her, but only if she's comfortable with it and if they are present. In other words, see if they will ask her if she wants to see you.

A card, or a note from you may be appropriate, indicating your support.

Don't be surprised if she doesn't want to see you just yet. Sometimes crime victims just want family around.

She needs to know that you care, and that she can trust you.

Be understanding, and let her talk, cry, etc.

This is a very difficult situation, and the best thing you can do is just be there for her.

[Jeffrey]

Thank you for all of the advice. I called her father about 2 hours ago. He said, concidering the circumstances, she is doing very well. It's still hard to believe that this has happened to such a great person. Your continued prayers for her are greatly appreciated.

Thank you and God Bless

[Don]

Jeffery,

I agree completely with Jack here. Find out from her folks if she wants to see you. If she does, run, don't walk to her.

Let her lead whatever conversation comes up. She may just need someone to be with her without talking. Just having a friend around may be the most important thing to her now.

Also, if she DOES NOT want to see you, don't hold that against her and don't push it. When she is ready. . .

This is something that no one should have to go through. Unfortunately when it does happen, the victim is often as mistreated by "the system" as they were by the piece of shi* that raped them.

She (and you) WILL be in my prayers.

[Jeffrey]

Thank you Don. Her father did say she is petrified of male subjects (which I do completely understand and the only person I hold it against is that monster that did this horrendous thing). He did say a card would be appropriate, and I am going to send one first thing tomorrow. I am also sorry how I have gone off the deep end lately. I needed to take it out on someone, and end up doing it on this forum. The past few weeks have just been "vewy vewy scuwey" (Bugs Bunny).

[ 02-28-2002: Message edited by: Jeffrey ]