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  • Tell me not to do this

    My son was divorced 3 years ago. It was awful, watching what she put him through (he caught her with a man 20 odd years older then her). And it was awful what she put us through. He loved her so much and we loved her like a daughter. They had been married just 3 days short of their first anniversary when this happened.
    During the divorce, we found out many things. Her mother is a convicted embezzler, she kept her money in THEIR account and she stole over $20,000 from her widowed elderly mother. As it was, her daughter was GIVING her mother my son's paycheck and ignoring his medical bills. He had thousands of dollars of medical bills he had to pay, he found out. And to his credit, he is up to date on all of it. To put it lightly, it was a nightmare.
    He is dating a lovely young lady now. They have been dating 2 months now. He has dated several young women since the divorce but I can tell he is really smitten with this one. She's very pretty but extremely shy. She won't even go out to eat with us.
    For some reason, I find this alarming. There are a few other signs that bother me. Like his first wife, she lives in a trailer park with her parents. She seems like a rather protected young lady.
    I have said nothing to my son. But, after the experience with his first wife, I find myself distancing myself from this young woman. She has sat and talked to me and seems really nice but extremely shy.
    I find myself wanting to do a background check on her and her family. I sure wish we had done this with the first one. I have this uneasy feeling but I don't know if that just me being an overprotective mother ( I admit it or if I'm just feeling this way because the first one hurt him, and us, so badly.
    At any rate, I would not do this without asking my son and I know his answer would probably be no. I keep saying to myself, "Butt out, Mitzi". But, I so fear this happening to him.
    I'm waiting and watching and it probably won't be done because I would never do anything my son didn't want me to do. He's a grown man now. But, I don't think, because of his own terrible pain, he understands what this did to us because we were and still are dealing with his health problem.
    Ok, tell Mitzi to Butt Out. I can take it

  • #2
    Sounds to me like you already know the right thing to do....

    You may be MOM and he may always be your "little boy", but interfering with his life will only cause him to resent you.

    And of course we only live and learn by experience.
    "Trust me. I'm from the government, I'm here to help."

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    • #3
      Evry man has to go his own way eventually. It's his life, let him live it.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Mitzi:
        "Butt out, Mitzi". But, I so fear this happening to him.
        Ok, tell Mitzi to Butt Out. I can take it
        I can tell you this Mitzi; had my mother EVER tried any crap like that, she would never have seen me again.

        BUTT OUT MITZI! Gosh if there was any way I could shout that more loudly, I'd do it.

        Mitzi I know what it feels like to see your kids make mistakes. God knows I've seen enough of them from my own kids.

        But you just have to give him space. Let him be the man that you know he is. I know that he has problems, you've told us about them and I certainly feel for you. But Mitzi, you've just got to let him grow up.

        My mother was a very controlling person, and an alcoholic to boot. When my brother was in Japan he became engaged to a local girl there. When he wrote home and told us about it, my mom fired off a letter to him telling him not to bother to come home if he married that girl.

        As it turned out, they broke up anyway right before the wedding was to take place. He went back to our hometown where he lived out the rest of his life. As an alcoholic.

        She tried to run over me too. I took the easy way out and found a job that took me 1500 miles away. And I stayed away until well after her death.

        My son
        6P1 (retired)

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        • #5
          I learned the hard way too, Don. I had an extermely controlling mother and I swore I would never be that way. I don't think he sees me as controlling him. He knows I just worry about him a lot. I can say this would be a whole lot easier if he had not become so ill when he was 14.
          I think was a wonderful mother-in-law. My son will tell you that. I kept telling myself that the distrust I had of her came from her being married to my only child. I didn't listen to my gut feeling then and I should have.
          But, I watched my mother run my brother away by not accepting his wife. She has not seen him or his kids or his grandkids in over 20 years.
          So, I buried my fears and I will this time too. I know the best thing a mother can do for a son is to let go and people say I have done that.
          But, inside, it hurts so bad. I've seen him through 11 years of illness and a recent serious brain surgery. He means the world to me and seeing how they treated him especially when he was so sick, tore me up pretty badly. When I found out that his wife had her mother, who was her boss, change her hours so my son would have to drive, I was furious but said nothing. I just offered to drive him to and from work for his safety and everyone elses. I was stunned at the furor it caused. He was called a mammas boy and I was told to butt out. Only then, did I excert myself and question WHY they would put him and others in danger? I still will never understand that one. I have my suspicions tho.
          My son talked to me tonight and said he sees the worried look on my face and NOT to worry. Yea, right. But, he knows I won't do anything. I would never do anything to alienate him. He means too much to me.
          But, when you see your child hurt as badly as she and her family hurt him, it is VERY hard not to do anything. Sitting back and watching was the hardest thing I have ever done.
          He said her jealousy was that my son and I are just so close and have such a close bond.
          And that's the one thing that comforts me. Her mother told her that I was trying to steal her love from her (we used to go out shopping or to lunch or chat on the phone) and my ex-DIL, in her illness, actually believed her.
          But, never one time did I ever worry she would "steal" my sons love from me. We have such a bond, as most parents do with their kids. If the love and respect is there, love can not be stolen.
          And yes, I have gotten that speech, "MOM, I am not your little boy anymore". He knows when to tell me to back off and I always do. He hasn't had to say that often though.
          No one tries harder then me and it is the hardest thing in the world to do, letting go.I have to remember that HE is being very careful too.
          He and his girlfriend went away this last weekend and he called me and said, "MOM! I told you NOT to call me!" I said,"Ummmmm, I didn't." He just assumed when the phone rang it was me and didn't check the number. He just called me later and said that. When he checked his phone, he was embarassed, as was she, to find out it was HER mother who called. lol I never call him unless it's absolutely necessary.
          I'm getting there. But I can't shake this worry. I guess it will always be there. But I would never do anything to alienate my son, EVER.
          I watched my mother and swore I would never do anything like that. And now, all of us get a kick out of it when she say,' It will never work. He will figure it out and come home." I said, "Mother, they have been married 25 years, have 3 kids and 2 grandkids (none of which she has seen). Just WHEN do you think this is going to happen?"
          But, I learned from it, BELIEVE ME, I learned from it. (But in my heart, he will always be my baby.....I just can't tell him that. lol)

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          • #6
            Mitzi, I feel compelled to respond to you. Mainly because I think I know where his new girlfriend is coming from. I suffer from extreme anxiety in certain situations. A lot of people easily mistake this for "shyness". Some people have it worse than me -- others aren't nearly as bad. One of my worst fears is eating in front of new people. Don't ask me why but on more than one occasion I have had to leave the table in order to control severe panic attacks that were coming on. This is what it sounds like his girlfriend might have especially because she said she won't go out to eat with you. That sounded exactly like me a few years ago with my now ex-husbands mom. I don't know what it was but I was deathly uncomfortable being around her.

            I have gotten a lot of help for this so it isn't nearly as bad, and in fact I have learned to socialize well in most situations. Just be careful that you don't jump to conclusions about her; this is probably killing her to go out with you and eat but this disorder is a monster if you don't recognize it and get it under control.
            Dance like no one's watching -- Sing like no one's listening, and work like you don't need the money.

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            • #7
              Actually, I ws much like this girl when I was younger. It was hard for me to be around my husband's family. I sense extreme shyness in this girl although she has sat and talked to me once for almost a half an hour and it was a nice talk.
              I asked my son about the "eating" thing and he said it was hard for her to "eat in front" of us because she did not know us very well.
              One good thing.....My animals adore her. My 2 yorkies and cat head straight for her when they see her and they are all in her lap. They hated my ex-daughter-in-law. The dogs would growl and keep their distance and the cat would hiss and spit at her. But, they love this girl.
              I just want my son to be happy. He seems quite taken with her and vice versa. She lives a hour away and accepts totally he can't drive. She will drive hime on dates and calls him when she gets home because it's such a long way. Sometimes, we will take him to give him a break but even then, we are not greeted or invited in. It's very strange.
              Did you ever get to where you liked your inlaws, Angel? Was it this disorder that caused problems, if you don't mind me asking?
              I am giving her a wide berth. If they should marry and my son is happy, that's all I can ask for.
              I just never want to see him hurt like he was before. It was a nightmare and I had to hide all my rage and anger from him. I could not cry because that upset him.
              All I can do is be hee if he needs me.....But it sure would feel good to give my ex-daughter-in-law a good swift kick in the rump.
              That girl is a walking, talking nightmare.

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              • #8
                Holy hell, Mitzi, chill out, take a deep breath. You're being very over protective. While im certainly not saying you shouldnt care or worry about your son, I AM saying that you need to realize hes not a little boy anymore. Have faith in him. If hes a great guy with a good head on his shoulders (and im sure he is), then things will fall into place. Let it be, back off, and let him lead his own relationship.

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                • #9
                  I do that, really. It's jus that he has some problems from his brain tumor and is very easily taken advantage of. The being married and having marital problems never worried me. But, we now have a will set up where the money is doled out so that my sister and neice keep a watch on the estate should something happen to us. That was a relief right there.
                  Because he is an only child, his ex-wife and her family were just licking their chops at what we had and we knew that. If something had happened to us, they would have cleaned him out in a month.
                  It was when she was told about the will that she decided she didn't want to be married anymore. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was happening there.

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                  • #10
                    Run the background check and file it.Buisness is buisness, and if a large amount of family $$ is on the line, better safe than sorry.

                    On another note, have you asked your son how he feels about this? Being divorced myself, if my parents offered to do a background check on a future wife of mine, I'd give the green light faster than you could blink. Talk to him, he maybe thankful you offered to do it, especially considering the burning he had before.
                    Come visit the Royal Dragon Kung Fu Discusion forums at www.dreamwater.net/biz/royaldragon/index.html

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                    • #11
                      I have asked him and he does not want me to do this right now. If it gets serious, he says he may want me to but not right now. It's sad we even have to consider this but after his ex-wife and her family, my trust of people is gone. I can't believe some of the stuff they pulled. At least the estate which is heathy but not huge, is ok since we made our will out. All he can ever get out of it is living expenses. And I'm sure my sister will be very fair to him with it. And we have a back up executor just incase.
                      If he had been married to this girl and something had happened to us, her mother would have had the estate cleaned out within a month....Her daughter wouldn't have seen much of it anyway but she is a puppet to her mother, she does what she is told.
                      I can't help but secretly cackle though bcause the mother just moved to another state (running from creditors) and is in deep financial trouble. Her home and car have been repossessed and I think she has warrants.
                      hehehehehehehe What I wouldn't give to be there when they put the silver bracelets on!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I feel like one of those guys in line on the movie "Airplane" waiting to slap around the hysterical woman. BUTT OUT MITZI!!! Okay, just thought I'd throw that in there since you asked.

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                        • #13
                          Best to wait and see if it gets serious then. You never know, he may fall for some blond skating past him at the park and forget all about her tomorrow.
                          Come visit the Royal Dragon Kung Fu Discusion forums at www.dreamwater.net/biz/royaldragon/index.html

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                          • #14
                            lol I never was going to butt in, really. It's just so hard seeing someone you love hurt like that. One time, we were coming out of a restautant and they were walking in. They saw my son and locked into this deep kiss and embrace. My husband just told my son quietly to control his temper and keep walking. Then, he told me the same thing. lol As we walked by, they stopped kissing and actually laughed at us. The only thing good about it was my husband.He has this quiet strength and is a very big man. He just looked her new boyfriend in the eyes as he walked by and I think the guy must have seen his life flash before his eyes. lol What a man! He fled to the back of the restaurant, leaving her standing there! LOL!
                            This was quite common for them to do at work and how my son controlled himself, I don't know. We told him they WANTED him to get upset and make a scene. But, what they didn't realize is that the whole situation was being watched. This was a large company and that stuff is noticed.
                            So, as hard as it was, all three of them (the ex-wife, her sorry mother and the other man) all eventually lost their jobs.
                            My heart sure went out to my son through this whole thing tho. It sure was hard to watch.
                            If another woman ever does this to him, I will request that one of you come get my foot outta her butt and arrest me. I know you will be gentle. lol

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                            • #15
                              .
                              Last edited by Frank Booth; 12-26-2003, 08:54 AM.

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