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Does the other woman deserve all the blame??

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  • 1300
    replied
    In any endeavor, each partiscipant play a role, however subtle or unintentional, and consequently, each must take full responsibility for that part in which he or she played.

    I still say that when a married person involved him or herself in an affair, he or she is the guilty one, regardless. However, that is not to say that the person he or she had an affair with did not play a part in it, but that person was not commited to the cheater's spouse, and is therefore not responsible for what transpired in the marriage as a result, only in a moral sense if that.

    On this thing about victims. The cheater is made the victim rather than the victimizer in a lot of cases, is all I said concerning victims.

    All kinds of senarios are involved in affairs. The "other" is not always the seducer. The "other" doesn't always know that s/he is involved with a married wo/man. The other is often lied to about the married one's situation at home: "We're separated. We sleep in different bedrooms. We're in the process of a divorce. We live like roommates and I am only there because of the children. My wife/husband and I have that kind of arrangement, etc." Based on the many situations and the many so-called reasons for affairs, I stick by my opinion that it is the commited person's fault because whatever was going on in the marriage, s/he should have been there trying to fix it rather than going outside to play musical beds. Besides, a third party can't be in your relationship without an invitation, and neither can the party stay without a welcome.

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  • sandie
    replied
    Jelly, I wasnt saying men do not have minds of their own and cannot make a decision for themselves. My point was, if temptation is there for ANYONE, then ANYONE may do what may be wrong. If the un-married party is aware that the person is married, they need to grow some morals, think of someone other then themselves, and back away. Temptation can be an evil thing if it can actually cause harm to others. THATS what I was saying. IF the unmarried party knows, they are just as to blame and the cheating spouse.

    [ 08-22-2002, 08:18 PM: Message edited by: sandie ]

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  • Mitzi
    replied
    I am on an infidelity board here on the Web. If you want to see heartache, anguish, pain and fear, then go to an infidelity board. BOTH married person and cheater are to blame. One woman got so upset, she had a heart attack.....at age 35.
    As a mother, it broke my heart to see what my son was put through. He never said he was perfect but apparently he was supposed o be, to have the honor of being married to her. She told him, "I didn't love you when I married you. I gave you a chance to make me love you and you didn't." Nice, huh?
    Infidelity is wrong, no matter what anyone says. If a person is so unhappy they have to cheat, they should either work on their marriage or get out of it. The pain caused a loved one is not to be believed.. But both the people cheating are wrong. If yoiu know a person is married, it is NOT ok to sleep with them, no matter what anyone says.
    I hope this thread reaches anyone in here cheating. Because if you love your spose and they find out, you will never forget the sound of that breaking heart. Sounds dramatic.....but it's true.

    [ 08-22-2002, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: Mitzi ]

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  • cubasqueen
    replied
    tscd1236,

    I agree, it is society who places that role on a man. That's why I said it. I'm not holding anything against you or any other man. I can handle being prey. The real question is; can the predator catch its prey?

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  • tcsd1236
    replied
    no, thats not what I'm saying.

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  • 555
    replied
    Are you actually saying it's the wife’s fault her husband cheats on her. It's society’s fault because it tells men to they are supposed to "pursue" other women?

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  • tcsd1236
    replied
    cuba:

    Its the men pursuing in 99.999% of all interactions because thats what society says our role is....to pursue. Don't hold THAT against us simply because "its the men pursuing". Sure the other woman gets blamed, but its usually by the married woman who feels inadequate in some way who brings that up.

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  • cubasqueen
    replied
    I don't condone infidelity, its wrong. BUT, I think most of us have been in a position where we felt we needed the companionship. Problems at home; financial, emotional, sexual, dealing with a mental nutcase for a spouse/significant other? All these things are a contributing factor to why people cheat. Whos's responsible? The married cheater/live-in lover who neglected to tell the other party they were "involved". However, women who think its
    the "homewrecker/slut/hussy's" fault her husband cheated really **** me off! Women/Men need to hold their spouses/significant others responsible for their actions. Wake up honey! Ninety percent of the time its the married men who pursue the single young women.BELIVE ME [Eek!]
    My sentiments: If your girl only knew!

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  • 1300
    replied
    Because you care, you will cry.
    Because you love, you will hurt.
    Because s/he is impotant to you, you will be angry at the cheater.

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  • 555
    replied
    It would be logical to direct your anger towards the one who cheated on you but emotions aren’t always logical. People will always be angrier with the person they see as having taken something of theirs.

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  • 1300
    replied
    Using an example, I will explain.

    It baffles me that my guy-friend has more anger for the "other man" than he does for his ex-wife. Yes, he's ****ed as hell at his ex, but there's even more anger towards the guy she cheated with.

    What I previously said hit it right on the money. SHE was willing to go, SHE chose to cheat, SHE chose to leave her marriage, SHE chose to leave her kids behind. But it's the guy who's getting the bigger brunt of the blame. I know in my example here, my friend gives "a gentleman isn't a gentleman if he does this" speech, the whole chivalry thing. I tell him "takes 2 to tango". I know he doesn't disagree with me, but I know he still believes in the whole real-man theory.

    "He took her" "She took him". That's bull. It's a choice, there was no gun to their head.

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  • txinvestigator1
    replied
    1300, you don't get it. The cheating married partner is guilty in the worst way, but to claim the non-married one is not also responsible is a crock and selfish.

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  • 1300
    replied
    I made no such assumption, that the one who initiated the encounter/relationship is always the commited one. The person who is the commited one is the guilty one because s/he was commited and s/he always had a choice, regardless of whether or not s/he was seduced, enticed, drunk, unhappy in his/her relationship, or whatever.

    The true victim, of course, is always the one cheated on. That goes without saying, but for some strange reasons, the cheaters (victimizers) are often mysteriously made the victims, the innocent, the understood, the forgiven one.

    When one cheats, s/he is guilty. The one cheated with is not guilty because s/he did not make a commitment to another. You see, guilty is a legal term. Innocent is a moral term. The two must be fully understood.

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  • 555
    replied
    Yes, monogamy may be unnatural to some just as having multiple partners is to others. There isn’t one rule for everyone. As far as men being afraid of commitment because they don’t want to “be” with one woman for the rest of their lives that’s a joke too. Men are capable of having as much depth as women are. And any woman can be bored to tears at the thought of “being” with one guy for a lifetime (although men like to delude themselves into thinking women don’t have those thoughts) but that doesn’t mean you’d never make that commitment. Men are “afraid” of commitment because there is allot of pressure on them to provide for a family. It really might be that simple. If we lived in a society where women had all the pressure to provide we’d see women were the ones reluctant to settle down.

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  • tcsd1236
    replied
    It takes two to mess around. Personally, I think monogamy is an artificial creation and its a not normal thing to expect someone to only be with one person for life, but if your partner has an expectation of exclusivity, thats an issue you need to address as a couple.

    Leave a comment:

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