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His Ex-Wife - He would still get back with her???

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  • His Ex-Wife - He would still get back with her???

    Ok this is my situation. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 7 months. When we began seeing each other he had been divorced from a 7 year marriage for about 1 year. They have two children together so he has contact with her on a regular basis. She left him for another man and their divorce was very painfull and expensive. Needless to say, when we began dating he spoke of her often (and still does) - What she did to him, how angry and bitter and hurt he is, the lifestyle he provided for her, etc., etc. And he talks about how miserable he was in the relationship, they had no communication, she was very controlling and sex was very, very rare. But one day I asked him, if you could get back together with her - would you? And he said - YES, but for the kids sake.

    Now my gut instinct is telling me "Houston we have a problem."

    With regards to their kids - and day to day issues, he has to deal with her on a regular basis. And this chick is a NIGHTMARE! She messes with the parenting schedule all the time, won't let the kids talk to him on the phone, demands extra money to pay for things he does not approve. Even takes them out of the state when he tells her specifically not to. The strange part is that he complains and complains but does absolutely nothing about it.

    Does anyone out there have any experience with issues like this? I mean, who wants to play second fiddle to the ex?????

    I have an uneasy feeling about this and it seems to be getting worse over time.....

  • #2
    The answer is easy: Go with your gut.

    He is not over his ex, and won't be, until he is. (sounds stupid, but it's true). There is no way to know when he'll be ready to stop dealing with this nonsense. The problem here is that he isn't over her. Until he's over her, he's not ready to give himself to you. He told you as much (not in so many words) when he said he'd get back together with her.

    Quite simply, he hasn't had enough of her BS and drama yet. One day he'll tire of it and start to move on, but I'm sad to say, for your sake, that he's not ready yet.

    get out now and spare yourself any more heartache. Your intuition is right.

    Comment


    • #3
      I know the pain that you are going through. I left my husband a year ago. We were married for 6 years and togeather for 7. It wasn't easy and hasn't been easy. We have now 4 year old envolved. Luckly we work everything out very mutual. But every relationship I have tried to be in since then has not worked out. I am over him and have been for some time. But its still hard to move on. Especially since I deal with him every day. Im not going to lie I still love him but Im not in love with him I will always love him he is my childs father.

      Im sure the man you are with is going through the same issues. Its hard to let go especially when you have been with someone for a length of time. I suggest you sit down and talk with him. Tell him excactly how you feel. If he loves you he will take to what you are saying or try to work on it. Try counseling. Be as supportive as you can in his situation. If things don't change you really don't need to wait around to wait for him to change. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

      If you are willing to wait for him to be ready thats great. But if he doesn't ever show any signs of moving on you dont' need to waste your feelings and your heart on him. Your almost at your one year mark, that problably means yall are pretty serious.


      Don't be discouraged if you really love the man then stick by him. Go with what your heart tells you and not what others tell you.

      I hope this helps I know what yall are both going through I am there myself. T
      Don't expect other people to make you happy, Happiness is your responsibility.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by igoturback View Post
        Needless to say, when we began dating he spoke of her often (and still does) - What she did to him, how angry and bitter and hurt he is, the lifestyle he provided for her, etc., etc. And he talks about how miserable he was in the relationship, they had no communication, she was very controlling and sex was very, very rare. But one day I asked him, if you could get back together with her - would you? And he said - YES, but for the kids sake.

        I think I probably would have put up with hearing this for maybe two days and then moved on. This is a gigantic red flag. Anyone who talks this much about their ex is clearly not over them. It takes me a long time to start dating again after just a bad breakup, let alone a divorce with children involved?? There is way too much drama in this picture. Cut your losses now and find yourself someone who is always talking about you instead of their ex. Wouldn't it be more enjoyable to have fun with someone without listening to them air all their dirty laundry about their ex? It sounds to me like he needs to spend some time talking to a counselor instead of trying to start dating again when he has all this pain and heartache from his last relationship. You're not there to be his psychiatrist, go find someone who will be more than happy to treat you like their girlfriend.
        "When people show you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou

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        • #5
          Generally the first long term relationship a divorced person has is a rebound relationship and is doomed to failure because the person still has to work through the issues that caused the break up in the first place.

          No matter how much of a mess the OTHER person is, remember, it takes someone who's a bit messed up themselves to be INVOLVED with a person who is that messed up.

          Been there. Done that. Although there are exceptions, my experience proves the rule.

          I vote for moving on. If you still care for him a year or two from now, track him down and see where he is. If he's still involved with the drama by then, you know you made the right choice. If he isn't, you MAY have a chance at a successful relationship.

          Forget the "if you love him, stand by him" mythology. Love CANNOT conquer everything. Again, if you love and stand by someone who is messed up, look inside yourself for reasons why you are attracted to messed up people. You CANNOT cure them no matter how much you love them. They can only cure themselves.
          Last edited by rubyrose; 07-30-2008, 12:40 PM.
          Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed.
          Happiness never decreases by being shared. -- Buddhist quotation
          A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -- Proverbs 15:1

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          • #6
            Remember SHE left him......

            Go with your gut feeling. He says it's for the kids...yeah right. He is responsible for the kids until they are 18.

            Kick em to the curb...you don't need an insta-family or the headaches with child custody issues. Don't play second fiddle to anyone!!!
            This profession is not for people looking for positive reinforcement from the public. Very often it can be a thankless job and you can't desire accolades, because those are not usually forthcoming. Just do your job to the best of your ability and live with the decisions you've made.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by landrierose View Post

              I suggest you sit down and talk with him. Tell him excactly how you feel. If he loves you he will take to what you are saying or try to work on it. Try counseling. Be as supportive as you can in his situation.

              Don't be discouraged if you really love the man then stick by him. Go with what your heart tells you and not what others tell you.


              Sounds like the best advice given by anyone that has responded to this post.
              sigpic

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              • #8
                You want some suggestions so, I will share my wisdom...

                1 - You are still only the girlfriend. You are not a fiancee or wife. You shouldn't attempt to "fix" his issues that he may have with his ex-wife.

                2 - She is the mother of his children. No matter what the circumstances if my husband and I parted I would still have a small section of my heart reserved for him. Why? He gave me something that no man had ever given me or will ever give me again. He gave me two wonderful and beautiful children. For that a small part of me will always love him.

                3 - You are getting involved with a man that has kids. Even if he only has them on the weekends or whatever those kids are a part of his life until the day he dies. This also means that the ex is a part of his life until she dies. Depending on how well the ex gets along with his extended family members she may be there for weddings, funerals, birthdays, major family celebrations, etc. It would behoove you to attempt to learn to accept this if you plan on having any long term relations with this man.

                4 - Put your foot down on his whining about his ex. Tell him that he has to grow up or turn in his man card. Explain that you aren't going to listen to him continually whining about his ex if he doesn't actually DO something. It isn't that hard to document incidents that happen and armed with this take her to court and have the judge settle the problems. If he can't do this then he isn't really interested in doing so.

                5 - Don't add fuel to the fire by participating in the "ex-bashing" ritual. This may encourage him to keep his mouth closed in regards to her.

                6 - Given your current feelings about the situation, don't try to mother or bond with the kids when he does have them. The kids already have had enough instability in their lives on the end of the mother that they need to have ONE parent who is being the responsible party. If at all possible until you become wife/fiancee when the kids are with him your presence should be limited. The last thing these kids need to do is bond with you and then you quit the relationship and now these kids are left feeling abandoned yet once more.

                Good luck with your situation!

                7 - Finally, realize that he is divorced. This isn't a competition between you and her.
                R.I.P. Sgt. 1st Class Raymond J. Munden

                You're service and sacrifice will not be forgotten.

                Kieth M.
                I once knew a guy who said, "I'll step over any nine to get to three threes!"

                I knew at that precise moment that he and I would never get into a fistfight over a woman.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I had posted something on here hoping for advise but it looks like one of my wifes friends has gone behind my back and stabbed me in it so the only post I will make on here ever again will be in a law enforcement capacity no more personal matters
                  Last edited by lawdog30; 07-31-2008, 07:08 PM.
                  Lawdog TCSO
                  In God We Trust all Others we Check NCIC
                  well daisy if you do

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    First off....you can not "fix" anyone, but yourself.
                    He is not over her, he is still very angry and bitter and you my dear are going to get the brunt of it. as he talks about her...what do you say, do or how do you act?

                    my first question after the rant about HER would be...so are you angry with all women are just her?
                    if he is still willing / waiting to get back "for the kids sake" he would jump at any chance- he isn't over her.


                    as the line goes- He really isn't that in to YOU,.
                    ‘Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.’
                    Oscar Wilde

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by texaschickeee View Post
                      First off....you can not "fix" anyone, but yourself.
                      He is not over her, he is still very angry and bitter and you my dear are going to get the brunt of it. as he talks about her...what do you say, do or how do you act?

                      my first question after the rant about HER would be...so are you angry with all women are just her?
                      if he is still willing / waiting to get back "for the kids sake" he would jump at any chance- he isn't over her.


                      as the line goes- He really isn't that in to YOU,.
                      I agree with you chickeee she needs to get rid of this one now before she gets hurt because once you get serious and you fall in love then he decides he wants out it hurts worse than it will right now
                      Lawdog TCSO
                      In God We Trust all Others we Check NCIC
                      well daisy if you do

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        God gave you instincts for a reason...TRUST THEM.
                        “We don't disagree, you are wrong. Until you have a clue what you are talking about we can't disagree.” - cgh6366

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Just say NO to baby-mamma-drama.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by JMTX View Post
                            Just say NO to baby-mamma-drama.
                            LOL...I gotta remember that.
                            “We don't disagree, you are wrong. Until you have a clue what you are talking about we can't disagree.” - cgh6366

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Hehe...I learned it the hard way. That's the LAST time I EVER date someone with kids!

                              Comment

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