what is it like for the family of leo's?

[citizenrights]

Respectfully asking, what kind of sacrifices do the spouses and children make when their husband/wife or mom/dad is an leo?

I really haven't known any cops, or people with families in law enforcement. Wait a minute, I knew 2 people, but they wouldn't talk about it.

One guy I went to high school with, his dad was a cop, I remember him almost in tears once because he said that people would spit in his dad's food at restaurants like he was an animal. That was as far as the conversation got, besides me telling him that what those people were doing was bs.

I think this kid really felt conflicted inside because he was a big time druggie,(not because of his dad of course.) but he still had respect for the law because he saw what his dad went through.

Unfortunately, we didn't become close friends, but I hope that he and his dad are doing well.

[Smurfette_76]

I don't know what it's like for a spouse. Between the military deployments for him and LE for me, the marriage didn't make it. I"m a single parent to a special needs child and I know that I have to frequently be away from my son...however, I have a very strong support group...first in his father and then my parents. I have had to raise my son to know that he's different. Not because of his disabilities, but because of my profession. We have a not-so-common last name and I know that children will put two and two together as they age. I've gone so far as to put my son into a school the next city over.

I learned long ago that my parents can only handle certain aspects of my job. I tell them the funny things that happen, but leave out the negative that happens to me. About seven years ago, my daddy did a ride along with me. I intentionally chose a Tuesday morning in the middle of the winter thinking it would be nice and slow. Well. That didn't work. I got a call to a teenager out of control (his mother called) and I knew this child well because we at the PD nearly had a party for him the day he turned 16 (makes him an adult in this state). The boy (way bigger than I am) met me on the front porch and started becoming heated and angry. I knew my backup was on the way and of course I'd strictly told Daddy to stay in the car. I was using verbal judo to try to calm this kid down until my partner got there and it just wasn't working and there we went...I took him to the ground ('cause it evens things up for me ) and he and I went to scrappin'...next thing I know this kid goes literally flying off the back porch and my daddy right after him. My partner pulls into the driveway and it takes him and I to get my father away from this kid. It was NOT a good day. Needless to say neither of my parents will EVER entertain the thought of being in my patrol car again. Never.

The man I've been dating for a few years is a Detective so these issues don't come up so much. We worry about each other, but we both have that "drive" and understand that we're going to do this job regardless. It makes for an interesting relationship with two LEOs dating, though...LOL.

[Reiland]

Hahaha...this turned out to be kinda long!

My bf (soon to be husband) is an officer. For us, it's not really a big deal, but that has more to do with who we are as people than the job itself. I was a PD recruit with a different agency til I resigned because of a family emergency...so I think I understand it more than some spouses because I was willing and eager to do the job myself, ready to give up "normal" schedules, weekends, and holidays, and had a couple months' admin time at the PD pre-academy. I get what he's saying when he talks about work...at least as far as terminology, standard procedures, etc.

Our first big date, he was held over two hours; we missed dinner and the first piece at the symphony. *shrugs* It happens! He was held over four hours on Easter...big deal. His parents were happy to improvise and bring dinner to our place for a late evening meal. They're really supportive. Both his parents were in the Army during Vietnam, so he can tell them most everything about work and they don't freak out. Personally, I don't fear for his safety because I know that his goal is to make it back home to me at the end of the day, and he's gonna do everything he can to make that happen. He likes his job, he's good at it, and I love that he's doing something fulfilling to him. You can't dwell on fear; it'll consume you.

The time I got upset with work "intruding" was before he changed squads. I was *really* looking forward to the "us" evening we'd set aside, so when he started complaining about his sgt again, I got upset. Yes, it really sucks having an incompetent supervisor in any profession, especially LE, but the complaining had gotten out of hand, and I could only take so much. Thankfully, my saying that made him realize he needed to make some changes...he switched squads to one with a decent sgt, and is much happier now.

As far as being treated poorly because of his profession, we tend to keep a low profile, so haven't seen much of that. No sense in flaunting it around and making yourself a target for idiots. I do know that when he's working/in uniform, he'll only patronize certain restaurants because he knows they're "cop-friendly" and won't do things like spit in the food.

My own father hates cops, so when I decided to become one and then started dating one, we quit speaking for a while because he was so nasty. He'll play nice now, because he doesn't want to be completely cut out of my life. And sometimes you do lose friends over it, or people keep their distance, but that's their choice, and usually due to their own narrow minds or poor personal choices they're making...and no real great loss. Shows you who your true friends are, if anything. Here and there, it gives you an opportunity to explain things from an LE standpoint and actually clear up misperceptions!

I do have friends who seem to appreciate what he does, and ask me questions about LE stuff (which I often turn around and ask him). That's actually kind of flattering, and he never minds answering them to the best of his knowledge.

I learned a lot from the chief's wife in the small town where I used to live. She'd see people at the grocery store and stop and say hi, not realizing her husband had just written them a ticket. Or invite the neighbors down the block over for dinner, not knowing he'd arrested them last week She had a great attitude about it, though - laugh it off, and be proud of her man. Dwelling on the negative aspects and worrying about committing social faux pas isn't worth the time it takes. There's so much life to be lived in such a short time!!!

[citizenrights]

I don't know what it's like for a spouse. Between the military deployments for him and LE for me, the marriage didn't make it. I"m a single parent to a special needs child and I know that I have to frequently be away from my son...however, I have a very strong support group...first in his father and then my parents. I have had to raise my son to know that he's different. Not because of his disabilities, but because of my profession. We have a not-so-common last name and I know that children will put two and two together as they age. I've gone so far as to put my son into a school the next city over.

I learned long ago that my parents can only handle certain aspects of my job. I tell them the funny things that happen, but leave out the negative that happens to me. About seven years ago, my daddy did a ride along with me. I intentionally chose a Tuesday morning in the middle of the winter thinking it would be nice and slow. Well. That didn't work. I got a call to a teenager out of control (his mother called) and I knew this child well because we at the PD nearly had a party for him the day he turned 16 (makes him an adult in this state). The boy (way bigger than I am) met me on the front porch and started becoming heated and angry. I knew my backup was on the way and of course I'd strictly told Daddy to stay in the car. I was using verbal judo to try to calm this kid down until my partner got there and it just wasn't working and there we went...I took him to the ground ('cause it evens things up for me ) and he and I went to scrappin'...next thing I know this kid goes literally flying off the back porch and my daddy right after him. My partner pulls into the driveway and it takes him and I to get my father away from this kid. It was NOT a good day. Needless to say neither of my parents will EVER entertain the thought of being in my patrol car again. Never.

The man I've been dating for a few years is a Detective so these issues don't come up so much. We worry about each other, but we both have that "drive" and understand that we're going to do this job regardless. It makes for an interesting relationship with two LEOs dating, though...LOL.

Thank you for sharing such an intimate story of your life. I'm sitting here, almost in tears because of the ways that I have felt towards the police my whole life basically. Even when the cops had my back a few years ago when I was raped, strangled and left with bruises that had me wearing a turtleneck in 100 + heat in July, I still had an animosity towards them.

I just want you to know that you sharing your story and also from what I have learned from Reiland has changed my ENTIRE outlook on police people. PEOPLE being the word. I am so ashamed of the way that I have reacted to cops throughout my 28 years that I sit here utterly embarrased. I can't believe that I thought that the cops are just robots or something.

I can just barely touch the tip of the iceberg when I hear of your story and of your pain and the pain of your dad on the night he witnessed some man hurting his daughter.

From the bottom of my heart I want to say THANK YOU for all the sacrifices you and your family makes each day. I will definately treat cops with more respect and god help me if I ever get arrested again, I will show some GOD DAMNED DESERVED RESPECT THIS TIME. I sincerely mean that, and pray to god that I will never hurt someone again due to my alcoholism.

When I was arrested this last time, I acted in the most abhorable way. I was getting out of an abusive relationship, (no excuse here,) and I feel really bad. I know how out of character I became that night and looking from both sides of the fence now, I can truly worry for the men and women in police. I know that if I would have been armed with a gun per say, I would have used it. I know that is terrible, I wasn't in my right frame of mind, and I am getting counseling and everything else.

You know that show American History X and how they hated other races. That is how I felt about cops untill a few months ago.

People can change the hate in their hearts, and I want to say thank you for helping me to do that. And Reiland also.

Hahaha...this turned out to be kinda long!

My bf (soon to be husband) is an officer. For us, it's not really a big deal, but that has more to do with who we are as people than the job itself. I was a PD recruit with a different agency til I resigned because of a family emergency...so I think I understand it more than some spouses because I was willing and eager to do the job myself, ready to give up "normal" schedules, weekends, and holidays, and had a couple months' admin time at the PD pre-academy. I get what he's saying when he talks about work...at least as far as terminology, standard procedures, etc.

Our first big date, he was held over two hours; we missed dinner and the first piece at the symphony. *shrugs* It happens! He was held over four hours on Easter...big deal. His parents were happy to improvise and bring dinner to our place for a late evening meal. They're really supportive. Both his parents were in the Army during Vietnam, so he can tell them most everything about work and they don't freak out. Personally, I don't fear for his safety because I know that his goal is to make it back home to me at the end of the day, and he's gonna do everything he can to make that happen. He likes his job, he's good at it, and I love that he's doing something fulfilling to him. You can't dwell on fear; it'll consume you.

The time I got upset with work "intruding" was before he changed squads. I was *really* looking forward to the "us" evening we'd set aside, so when he started complaining about his sgt again, I got upset. Yes, it really sucks having an incompetent supervisor in any profession, especially LE, but the complaining had gotten out of hand, and I could only take so much. Thankfully, my saying that made him realize he needed to make some changes...he switched squads to one with a decent sgt, and is much happier now.

As far as being treated poorly because of his profession, we tend to keep a low profile, so haven't seen much of that. No sense in flaunting it around and making yourself a target for idiots. I do know that when he's working/in uniform, he'll only patronize certain restaurants because he knows they're "cop-friendly" and won't do things like spit in the food.

My own father hates cops, so when I decided to become one and then started dating one, we quit speaking for a while because he was so nasty. He'll play nice now, because he doesn't want to be completely cut out of my life. And sometimes you do lose friends over it, or people keep their distance, but that's their choice, and usually due to their own narrow minds or poor personal choices they're making...and no real great loss. Shows you who your true friends are, if anything. Here and there, it gives you an opportunity to explain things from an LE standpoint and actually clear up misperceptions!

I do have friends who seem to appreciate what he does, and ask me questions about LE stuff (which I often turn around and ask him). That's actually kind of flattering, and he never minds answering them to the best of his knowledge.

I learned a lot from the chief's wife in the small town where I used to live. She'd see people at the grocery store and stop and say hi, not realizing her husband had just written them a ticket. Or invite the neighbors down the block over for dinner, not knowing he'd arrested them last week She had a great attitude about it, though - laugh it off, and be proud of her man. Dwelling on the negative aspects and worrying about committing social faux pas isn't worth the time it takes. There's so much life to be lived in such a short time!!!

Wow, I never even had a clue about what the police and their families go through. That is so admirable that the wife would invite people over anyways. I feel deeply saddened that the police are treated as second class citizens.

It is true that whenever your in a position to make people accountable for their actions, it won't always be pleasant (to say the least) for anyone involved. The cop or the arrestee. However, because I was made accountable for my actions I believe it will save someone's life.

I'm still just blown away by the sacrifices that le's and their families make.

Currently I'm paying my dues for some incredibly wrong and tasteless actions. I am surrounded by people that are like "f the ****" all day on the weekends.

When one of the cops said Hi to me, I said hello back and even asked how their day was going. Let me tell ya that is monumental stuff for me.

Thanks for helping me to see that cops are truly real people with feelings and everything else.

[e-man]

I get to miss all my kids school day stuff, like recitals, plays, graduation parties, my son is NOT even signed up for LIttle League baseball cause I rotate every 4 weeks.
I get to miss going to the neighbors houses for a drink cause I have to work at 11pm sometimes. I can order a mean pizza and cheesybread though for dinnner.

I can view any of the important school stuff on video if my wife remembers to tape the event.
I DID make it to one meet the teacher event this year and one of the arts and crafts type shows at school. Oh wait, I even made it to Halloween dress up parade. WOW im batting .500 this year.


If you want to show your newfound appreciation to the local PD, DONT take them a dozen donuts to the station. First write a letter to the chief and town or city council saying how much of an *** you were and how you appreciate the way they handled you. {I didnt read your whole post so I hope they didnt need to 'use proper amount of force' }
Then maybe take a dozen bagels and stuff or a box of chocolates to the station with a thank you card.
ALso be a goodwill ambassador for the cops. When your friends or co-workers bash them, explain your new found fondness.

[Sully49]

Respectfully asking, what kind of sacrifices do the spouses and children make when their husband/wife or mom/dad is an leo?

I really haven't known any cops, or people with families in law enforcement. Wait a minute, I knew 2 people, but they wouldn't talk about it.

One guy I went to high school with, his dad was a cop, I remember him almost in tears once because he said that people would spit in his dad's food at restaurants like he was an animal. That was as far as the conversation got, besides me telling him that what those people were doing was bs.

I think this kid really felt conflicted inside because he was a big time druggie,(not because of his dad of course.) but he still had respect for the law because he saw what his dad went through.

Unfortunately, we didn't become close friends, but I hope that he and his dad are doing well.

Don't forget siblings of police officers too! My brother is a cop in a dangerous city. He's married and they just had a baby girl a year ago. I can't worry about the things that might happen. Truly it doesn't enter my mind unless I see something on the news or hear about an officer who was killed or injured. If you worry about all the things that could happen it will make you crazy. I just look at it like this: he loves his job and gets so much out of it. He is so much happier doing this than sitting behind a desk all day. Any of us at any given time could be killed in an accident or something, you never know what could happen. So you may as well live life to the fullest and spend your career doing something that you truly care about. There's far too many people out there (myself included) that spend hours at a job that is meaningless or they hate. And work is where you spend most of your time. I remember a quote I heard for a memorial service for some firefighters here. The speaker was addressing the families of the firefighters who died, and he said that they should always remember "they died doing something that mattered." That has always stuck with me, and god forbid something ever happened to my brother, but that would be something I would try to hold on to.

[citizenrights]

I get to miss all my kids school day stuff, like recitals, plays, graduation parties, my son is NOT even signed up for LIttle League baseball cause I rotate every 4 weeks.
I get to miss going to the neighbors houses for a drink cause I have to work at 11pm sometimes. I can order a mean pizza and cheesybread though for dinnner.

I can view any of the important school stuff on video if my wife remembers to tape the event.
I DID make it to one meet the teacher event this year and one of the arts and crafts type shows at school. Oh wait, I even made it to Halloween dress up parade. WOW im batting .500 this year.


If you want to show your newfound appreciation to the local PD, DONT take them a dozen donuts to the station. First write a letter to the chief and town or city council saying how much of an *** you were and how you appreciate the way they handled you. {I didnt read your whole post so I hope they didnt need to 'use proper amount of force' }
Then maybe take a dozen bagels and stuff or a box of chocolates to the station with a thank you card.
ALso be a goodwill ambassador for the cops. When your friends or co-workers bash them, explain your new found fondness.

I'm glad you were able to get to some of your kids events. I wish that you didn't have to sacrifice all of that time with your kids. I think that someday they will know that the family sacrifices that everybody shares were really worth it in the end.
I really do want to apologize to them.(police) I fear though that I am probably the last person they would want to see. But I will get over my fear to do what's right. I really do owe them all an apology. Sending a goodies basket is a great idea. I really appreciate your help.
I will put in a good word for the police. Thanks e man.

Don't forget siblings of police officers too! My brother is a cop in a dangerous city. He's married and they just had a baby girl a year ago. I can't worry about the things that might happen. Truly it doesn't enter my mind unless I see something on the news or hear about an officer who was killed or injured. If you worry about all the things that could happen it will make you crazy. I just look at it like this: he loves his job and gets so much out of it. He is so much happier doing this than sitting behind a desk all day. Any of us at any given time could be killed in an accident or something, you never know what could happen. So you may as well live life to the fullest and spend your career doing something that you truly care about. There's far too many people out there (myself included) that spend hours at a job that is meaningless or they hate. And work is where you spend most of your time. I remember a quote I heard for a memorial service for some firefighters here. The speaker was addressing the families of the firefighters who died, and he said that they should always remember "they died doing something that mattered." That has always stuck with me, and god forbid something ever happened to my brother, but that would be something I would try to hold on to.

I hope your brother stays safe. That is very admirable that people would love helping and protecting other's enough to put themselves in danger.

They did die doing something that mattered. That is true.
Thanks sully

[nebraska_deputy]

Your family life suffers a lot. There is a lot of time you spend working on your time off and for the most part it doesn't seem like you have much to show for it. What I mean by that is you may be working on a report and next thing you know its two hours past your shift. For the most part you can either stay and finish it most of the time not getting paid for doing it. Or you can wait till the next day to do it, but the main problem with that is right when you come on duty you may have three or four calls stacked. So when you get free time you get back to the first reports from the day before and then your behind for that day.

My wife's a nurse so she doesn't think to much of the late hours. She gets a little up set though when I get called out three times in one day on my day off. Most cops keep strange hours and it's something your other half gets use to. When you work in a smaller County for the most part you get use to being called out on your time off. If you don't leave the County on your time off 80% of the time your going to be working. The part that really sucks is I have an eight month old son and half the time when you leave they are watching you go out the door. When you return home 3 hours later they are still watching the door.

You do spend a lot of time talking to your other half about your day and what went on. For the most part they are use to the stories, so after a while they are like oh OK, so what do you want for dinner. As for me I'm to the point for the most part when family ask me if I had any interesting calls lately, my response is not really. It's like you think back about the calls you had lately and it seems like the same old thing. But every now and then you get something different and it sticks in your head and you tell so many people about it you just get tired of talking about it.

For the most part your family adapts to it as best as they can and they support you. I think the two biggest things that irritates my wife the most are first when we are out in public and someone calls from work and were eating, or at the grocery store. Second when we go out I know so many people I spend a lot of time talking and a 20 minute trip to the store turns out to be 2 hours and 20 minutes.

[Jellybean400]

Thank you for sharing such an intimate story of your life. I'm sitting here, almost in tears because of the ways that I have felt towards the police my whole life basically. Even when the cops had my back a few years ago when I was raped, strangled and left with bruises that had me wearing a turtleneck in 100 + heat in July, I still had an animosity towards them.

I just want you to know that you sharing your story and also from what I have learned from Reiland has changed my ENTIRE outlook on police people. PEOPLE being the word. I am so ashamed of the way that I have reacted to cops throughout my 28 years that I sit here utterly embarrased. I can't believe that I thought that the cops are just robots or something.

This is a great thread.

And those were all great stories and posts.

Most of the time, people DONT think of cops as PEOPLE.

I know alot of cops get cold to stuff (sometimes they have to, unfortunately), but i've seen my ex-husband come home from work and get physically sick from things he'd seen. As a matter of fact, he'd come home, get sick, change his uniform, and go back to work...

He also suffered from "night terrors," where he had dreams that made him like half-awake, and he was trying to get away from something and would try to dive under the bed in the middle of the nite. All of this scared me, but i didnt bug him to death about it...

Luckily this was all early in his career. I do know that he did much better after that, and is now retired after 20 years.

He was never a cold person. One of the nites i saw him the worst was when he had to shoot a puppy that had been hit by a car.

The suicides he dealt with were the worst (on him). It's been years and years, and i can remember each and every one of them.

I believe what caused our marriage to end (the main thing) was his inability to deal with job stresses, life stresses, and to communicate with me, even if just to tell me, "i dont feel like talking about it - its not you, though."

He dealt with his problems thru drinking and women.

[citizenrights]

Your family life suffers a lot. There is a lot of time you spend working on your time off and for the most part it doesn't seem like you have much to show for it. What I mean by that is you may be working on a report and next thing you know its two hours past your shift. For the most part you can either stay and finish it most of the time not getting paid for doing it. Or you can wait till the next day to do it, but the main problem with that is right when you come on duty you may have three or four calls stacked. So when you get free time you get back to the first reports from the day before and then your behind for that day.

My wife's a nurse so she doesn't think to much of the late hours. She gets a little up set though when I get called out three times in one day on my day off. Most cops keep strange hours and it's something your other half gets use to. When you work in a smaller County for the most part you get use to being called out on your time off. If you don't leave the County on your time off 80% of the time your going to be working. The part that really sucks is I have an eight month old son and half the time when you leave they are watching you go out the door. When you return home 3 hours later they are still watching the door.

You do spend a lot of time talking to your other half about your day and what went on. For the most part they are use to the stories, so after a while they are like oh OK, so what do you want for dinner. As for me I'm to the point for the most part when family ask me if I had any interesting calls lately, my response is not really. It's like you think back about the calls you had lately and it seems like the same old thing. But every now and then you get something different and it sticks in your head and you tell so many people about it you just get tired of talking about it.

For the most part your family adapts to it as best as they can and they support you. I think the two biggest things that irritates my wife the most are first when we are out in public and someone calls from work and were eating, or at the grocery store. Second when we go out I know so many people I spend a lot of time talking and a 20 minute trip to the store turns out to be 2 hours and 20 minutes.

There really are a lot of sacrifices for the job. I never realized that before. I have a new found respect for those in law enforcement and other civil service jobs now.

It's good to hear though that the families adapt to the hours and everything.

[Buttercup]

My dad was a cop with a major city's PD for 36 years when he retired. The biggest thing that I recognized about his job when I became an adult was the fact that my mom so often served as both mother and father to us because of his work schedule.

He was rarely there for school events, birthdays, and holidays, but we knew it was because he was helping to keep things safe for everyone. On Thanksgiving, we rarely had dinner at the same time or at normal mealtimes every year, as we would accommodate my dad's and my uncle's schedules (he was also a cop with the same department). On Christmas, sometimes dad would be there in the morning and sometimes in the evening, but never all day. We just always accepted his schedule inconsistencies as normal. The first Christmas after his retirement was the first year in my and my sibling's life that he hadn't had to work.

We lived in a predominately cop neighborhood with the requisite German Shepherd (on a corner lot, because my dad didn't want neighbors on both sides), we learned early how to shoot a gun and what to do in the event of an emergency, and no matter where we were in the city we knew where the closest police station was located. We learned to check the points of entry when we came home and that whenever possible we should sit so we could see the whole room when we were out. We were also a part of the police family association, which allowed us to spend time with other cops' kids.

Only our closest friends knew what our dad did for a living, and my parents were very particular about who was allowed in our home. Once, upon finding out that a high school friend had a brother who was into drugs, I had to tell that friend that I couldn't visit her at her house anymore, made excuses for her to not visit at my house, and ultimately ended the friendship.

We didn't live with fear of what could happen to my father, but we were always aware of the reality of the dangers of his job. We always had confidence in his ability to do his job and we always knew that his priority was to come home at the end of his shift. We also felt secure knowing that when dad was working or out of town, his comrades were always there to check up on us.

We also got used to non-LEO neighbors and relatives calling the house at all hours instead of calling 911, or stopping by because they thought my dad would help them with some police/legal matter.

There's so much more disrespect toward law enforcement now than when I was a child and therefore somewhat different issues than what I faced. I grew up being taught that police officers were the good guys and if I were ever in trouble to call a police officer, and I know that to be true. Unfortunately, there's a segment of society that has villanized LEOs and I think that's a shame. It takes a true hero to choose a career in which their lives are on the line every time they leave the house to go to work.

One last thing - although my dad couldn't be there when we wanted him, he was always there when we needed him. He was a good cop and he's still a good dad.

[Smurfette_76]

Buttercup, I'm impressed. Those are beautiful things to say about your daddy. I hope my son feels like that towards me.

[Buttercup]

Thank you, Smurfette. I'm sure that your son does and will continue to have those thoughts and feelings about you.

[Kyia]

My husband is really understanding of the rotating shifts and understands that we only have a couple days every other month off together. My family tries to schedule family things on my weekends off so I can be included which is really nice. Unfortunately, there will be times that families will be really worried about their LEO member when they hear something on the news or radio involving an officer from that dept. and fear the worst. I know I had my sister really concerned when she knew I was supposed to be off work and she can't get ahold of me, she's calling my husband and everything thinking the worst. It's probably tough for the family but they deal b/c it's what that person chose for their life and they love it.

[Retired Chief]

In Illlinois, the grounds for mental cruelty were usually proved up by testimony that the spouse was not home when he should be, when he was home he wasn't communicative, when he did communicate, he was argumentative, and that caused mental distress to the fileing spouse (usually wife).
One local judge told an attorney friend of mine "Why not just tell me he's a cop? I understand if he's a cop, he will work nights, 80-hour weeks sometimes, holidays, birthdays and during the school play, parent-teacher meetings, etc. When he gets home after swabbing the highway of body parts from the big wreck, or taking the raped and beaten 3-year old to the hospital and mommy's boyfriend to jail, or from the crime scene of the multiple murder/suicide of course he doesn't want to talk. When the wifey just has to talk about the neighbor kids being noisy and riding their bikes in the street, he gets argumentative just because he is still wound up from work. She knows (somewhat) what he faces at work, and worries that he will be killed or hurt, worries that because they can't talk about what bothers him that the marriage is no good, worries because the only time he seems relaxed is drinking beer with his cop buddies (the only people he can talk to about work). You want to prove grounds for mental cruelty - just show me he's a cop!"