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Snowglobe World: Now Ancient History, Not Current Events


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  • Snowglobe World: Now Ancient History, Not Current Events

    It's not quite 10 years since April 28, 2010, but as 2020 is right around the corner, I guess I've been thinking on the contrast between where I was and where I am now. I know that a number of the people who were some of my sources of encouragement aren't posting here (but may still be in contact with people who are still posting here), and there may be some who don't really know/remember my story. Perhaps it's not often that a 10 year “how it turned out” gets posted, but I feel like posting, so here it goes. This is long, but hopefully it will be of some interest/use.

    April 28, 2010 was the date that, for all practical purposes was the end of my marriage. On that date, my ex was arrested for raping another woman. Thus began a chapter of my life which was confusing, frightening, and maddening—sometimes, all three at the same time. Spoiler alert, he did, ultimately, get away with it (somehow it ended up being reduced down to a misdemeanor charge). I still have cause to believe that he was really guilty as he was originally charged, but that doesn't matter any more. For those who want a look back at the past:


    Since moving to southern IL, I've been working (never did get the bakery off the ground, the amount of money to start was a barrier). Children are all now legal adults. Oldest has graduated from a university and is now married (no grandchildren yet, though … hoping that might change). Middle son is a supervisor at his job, and at age 20 was able to buy a house. Youngest two have started college. They're not going to the same school—he's in a 2 year program for a tech degree (his goal is cyber security and he's sitting on a job offer pending his completion of the degree), while she's going to be a nurse. She got her CNA through the program at the high school, and works part time at a nursing home.

    Thanks to advice given, I didn't write my notes until after the sentencing had happened. I wrote to both the detective who had arrested him for rape (who'd tried to give me a referral to the DV support organization in town) and the one who arrested him for stalking/violating the order of protection, and also to the department about them. I like to imagine the detectives have kept my notes and maybe when it's been a bad day, read the notes again.

    He ultimately did manage to get the guilty plea accepted (based on what I was told, it sounded like he tried to do an Alford plea first, but they wouldn't accept that) and was sentenced to two years (first-time conviction on a charge with a 1-1/3 to 4 year sentence range, so not so bad for a plea deal from my point of view). He served 16 months, but got credit for the 6 months between his arrest and sentencing, so only 10 months served after sentencing. Some time after getting released, he has gone on SSD related to his kidney function, and I did get some money from that (the only money ever received from him that went toward supporting the children) until the twins graduated from high school, which definitely helped financially. Had he not gone on disability, I never would have received a dime from him for support of the children.

    He did choose to follow the rules and have a supervised visit one time while the children were still minors. At one time shortly after he was released, I had found someone in NYS whose job was supervising such visits, and had made all the arrangements to the point that he had to choose date/time A or date/time B. Rather than do that, he got so belligerent with the person who would have supervised the visit that she terminated the visit before it began (and I was even going to pay the fees for the visit—I kept and printed multiple copies of the email exchange to hand out to anyone who thought I was being unreasonable). A couple years later, I did agree to allow some of his family members to be supervisors, but I do think that was a mistake (I really think that the supervisor needs to not have a relationship with the supervisee that might interfere with protecting the interests of the children). At least it wasn't spectacularly bad, but it was a setback for the younger two. After middle son turned 18, ex wanted to have a visit with him, and middle son really did not want to. I told middle son that even though he did not have to have a supervisor, that middle son could elect to have someone present with him for support, and middle son elected to have my father. However, when ex learned the conditions that middle son was putting on the visit (neutral and public location, having his support person present), ex lost interest in the visit. He has not expressed interest in visits with the youngest after they turned 18. It's probably just as well, as neither is interested in seeing him (even with a support person present).

    One thing that was a great help in my new community was a particular man in the parish who frequently hired my sons to do some farm work. He's a pillar of the community and has taught my sons a lot of “how to be a good man” lessons. I have not pursued any romantic relationships myself, but I have plenty of community involvement and am content with that. I have gotten a concealed carry permit, and carry a P365. I'm a pretty decent shot against paper and steel. The order of protection expired earlier this year, and although he had made noises about coming out here when it did, he hasn't actually done so. I'm grateful for that. But I have also met some really awesome people at the range, so that's been a good thing, too. Learning to shoot also helped restore a sense of self-esteem and "hey, I *am* competent, after all".

    There are some things that, with the perspective of the time that has passed, I thought might be worth mentioning.

    When I first met with the detective who had arrested my ex for the rape, I was still very much in my usual mode of “how am I going to fix this mess that he's made this time”. The idea of life without him was still not something that I thought would be possible. I think part of my initial recoil when the detective offered me the domestic violence organization info was also due to the fact that when I'd left now-ex the first time (when oldest was my only), I hadn't gotten much support in terms of actually being able to support myself and child and I wasn't really clear on what they would be able to actually do for me in the situation. I did feel guilty later for not having been more open to that. (I wrote about that in the note that I later wrote to him.) I don't know if he was just fishing for more evidence, but if he'd gotten me to admit to the fear I was feeling then, I probably would have taken him up on the offer. I don't know what difference it would have made in the end, but he'd probably also have ended up hearing about the little slivers of things I knew that are why I think that my ex was guilty exactly as originally charged. Would that have helped keep him from “getting off”? I don't know.

    The other thing that I remember that really surprised me was when the second detective called me after making the arrest on the violation of the order of protection, even though I hadn't wavered in making call after call and knew exactly how horrible that whole period had been, there was a visceral reaction that made me, internally, want to say “no, this was a mistake, can't you 'unarrest' him?” The one thing that helped me was that I had already said something out loud to the children about their father being in jail before I moved to another room to shut the door (but it was one that had a window into the area where the children were) to continue the conversation with the detective, and the children were doing a dance in the other room singing “Yay! Yay! Yay!” about ex being in jail and they were now free to go play outside with their friends. I didn't want to disappoint them, and was able to stay the course. But it did come as a huge shock to me that there was – despite everything that I had been through in the 8.5 months up to that point – there was some sense of recoil, of a feeling of guilt about having done that to him. (How irrational is that? Very, I know.) It was very odd to feel both the overwhelming relief of knowing that I wouldn't have to keep looking over my shoulder all the time and that little bit of terror that I had done something irrevocable (and I guess a fear that he could somehow beat those charges, too, and I would really be made to suffer). Yes, I know that it wasn't so much me—it was ex making a whole series of choices that led to him being arrested on the stalking & contempt of court charges.

    So, I know—tremendously long post. The summary: 10 years after my world up-ended, my children and I are doing great.
    Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. --Mark Twain

  • #2
    Wow! Incredible story from a very impressive lady. Thank you.


    • #3
      9Welcome back Jane

      A decade is really a milestone in one's life and it looks like a FANTASTIC milestone in yours I personally am coming up on 9 yrs as a retired officer..... THREE more days...................Because life happens, my retirement hasn't went as planned......but all is good .

      I just posted a link to this thread in a forum where a number of the people who gave you advice 10 yrs ago are active members I don't know how many of them are still able to post here but some are and will probably respond.

      Chaplian Keepy, Trauma 1 Smurfette & Zeitgist are among the people who posted in your linked entries and are members of the forum I belong to.

      People new to this forum don't understand the way it was on here a decade ago............there was a lot of this type of activity back then & some of us who were very active back then became friends and continue to communicate. I think overall we did good in many ways for many people

      I remember your story and looking in the linked postings I see I did respond back in the day.........

      I am glad you were able to put your life together, keep your children (and yourself) safe, and become a stronger person. Believe me.......it doesn't always work out that way
      Last edited by Iowa #1603; 12-27-2019, 04:37 PM.
      Since some people need to be told by notes in crayon .......Don't PM me with without prior permission. If you can't discuss the situation in the open forum ----it must not be that important

      My new word for the day is FOCUS, when someone irritates you tell them to FOCUS


      • #4
        Thank you, Iowa--the people you're naming are some of the ones I most especially wanted to let know how things are going now.
        Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. --Mark Twain


        • #5
          Hi Jane. Iowa let me know what you posted. I'm so happy for you. What an incredible story you have.
          Once I read your entries, I remembered your posting. I also remember what I was thinking.
          A double shooting that I went to. The separated wife and her friend being shot in the entry way to her apt. building.
          Both died and the husband (a Turkish National) is still at large. I so hoped that that would not be you.

          You did something about it, and were able to triumph. It was a great thing you did, coming back to tell us about it.
          Thank you.


          • #6
            Originally posted by Jane Q Public View Post
            Thank you, Iowa--the people you're naming are some of the ones I most especially wanted to let know how things are going now.
            Chaplin Keppy has also responded to me & sends her regards
            Since some people need to be told by notes in crayon .......Don't PM me with without prior permission. If you can't discuss the situation in the open forum ----it must not be that important

            My new word for the day is FOCUS, when someone irritates you tell them to FOCUS


            • #7
              Congratulations, Jane. I can imagine the strength it has taken these last ten year . Good job!

              I don't agree with your opinion, but I respect its straightforwardness in terms of wrongness.


              • #8
                I'm very happy to be firmly rooted in what I like to call "Life, Part II".

                I know stories like mine don't always (maybe it'd be more accurate to say "rarely do"?) have a happy ending. There've been times when I thought about writing a book about it, but I'm not sure if anyone would believe it was true.
                Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. --Mark Twain


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