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  • Curious...

    How many of you waited until you were in your career field before getting married? If you got married before, how easy was the transition for your spouse from civilian to leo. Also if you married after, was it easier to find someone to settle down with, especially since you were a peace officer?

  • #2
    Married before I made this major career change. Though our marraige was basically over before I switched,she was extremely supportive during the change and academy and to this day remains that way
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    • #3

      I was on the job five years before getting married. Your question really doesn't have a "one size fits all " answer. The Officer's spouse has to understand the nature of the job, and be supportive if possible. The divorce rate in this profession is pretty high. You'll have no guarantees before walking down the aisle, but be as certain as you can that your choice for a spouse is the right one.


      • #4
        PhilipCal's spot on. I will say this, This job is going to change and mold you into someone very different then who you are now. I say that because your so young(19yr.). In my opinion, at 19, most men don't really know who they are anyway. I think most of us in our thirty's would agree. I know that looking back, I am so different then who "I thought I was" at 19. We all change through the years your heading into, compounded by this job and the things we see daily, The inhumanity to our felow man, etc.. Although there are some great love affairs that contradict this, most people who marry at such a young age, are divorced fairly young as well. I think the key to keeping your marriage is exactly what blueandblue pointed out, communication. Your going to change, there's no doubt about that. Everyday, take the time to stop and let her in. The trick is letting her inside where she can be part of the change instead of just watching you change. If she's left just watching, she's going to find something/someone else to be a part of. Woman, "for the most part", are very faithful, loving, caring, considerate, & tolerant beings(I know, not all). But they have to be on your journey WITH YOU, not behind you.
        I think the hardest part, and why most of us don't, is going to be talking about the job without scaring them our making them think we're animals. You have to be able to talk enough to vent yourself, enough to keep her a part of you, but without the gory details. Not easy, you just have to do it! (Hey, that sounds like the rest of the job)
        I hope that all the young guy/gals getting into this job can take a part of this and use it. Good luck all!
        Last edited by ftgolfer; 05-13-2007, 02:20 PM.
        "Will to Protect....Courage to Fight"


        • #5
          I appreciate the info so far


          • #6
            I had heard that I should not consider marriage, until I had five years on the PD. Five years to play cops 'n' robbers, try to chase women, drink excessively, etc. Then, at the five year mark I was supposed to be ready to settle down. I got married, bought a house, and we had our son, and got a dog!

            I followed that early advice, for the most part...and I thought I worked at my marriage. When she and I split up, I had never hit her, cheated on her, I hade been sober for 4-1/2 years, and I never watched sports on TV. That poor girl needed to be free of my bad habits! No wonder she re-kilndled a releationship with her high school sweetheart, slept with him, and asked for a separation.

            After our divorce, and while going the the (Roman Catholic) church's annulment process, they asked me about 65 questions which caused me to dig very deep into my own life, and our relationship. The discovery was that both of us had "baggage", and took a (willing) "hostage" thinking that it would lead to normalcy/happiness..whatever you want to call it.

            My advice to L.E. people (or anyone else, for that matter) who think about getting married, today, is take advantage of pre-marital counseling. Do not ignore warning signs, thinking that you, or the other person will change, once they marry you.

            My new wife and I are, despite the arrival of three children, basically the same people we married, ten years ago. We know what the other person was about. There were no hidden agendas.
            "You're never fully dressed without a smile."

            Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

            Three things I know for sure: (1) No bad deed goes unrewarded, (2) No good deed goes unpunished, and (3) It is entirely possible to push the most devoted, loyal and caring person beyond the point where they no longer give a 5h!t.


            • #7
              I'm sorry Kieth, pre-marital services?


              • #8
                Sorry for the first one Keith, but god had a better plan(woman) for you. Someone who could appreciate all the fine quality's you have to offer. I do like the pre-marital counseling statement. We did the same thing with the pre-marital counseling, we did ours through our church.
                PNS--pre-marital counseling is basically a marriage counselor pre-marriage. They help you really think about the big life altering step of marriage, and if it's something you want and can handle at this point in your life.
                "Will to Protect....Courage to Fight"


                • #9
                  I met my ex-husband before he became a PO. We attended college together, moved in together, and then he went away to the academy (while working as a dispatcher for his agency - that's the way they did it). I supported him thru that - BIG time. We lived together about 5 years before getting married.

                  He was still a dispatcher when we got married, but was soon promoted to Patrolman. He did change over the years, but i think also that more of the real him actually came out. He DIDNT let me inside "the job" and didnt want to talk about any of it, he'd rather go drinking with the other cops and handle it that way. I didnt find anyone else, but he found quite a few. We were married for 5 more years after living together, before i moved out.

                  I really think its just all about finding the right person for YOU. Someone who would support you no matter what job you have. And about YOU being someone of high character and morality, that's willing to do what it takes to keep your marriage together, and not to give in to easy temptation (because it WILL be there). And i agree with those who say not to get married too young. If you and the person love each other, you can still be together a few years down the road, if it's meant to be.

                  Divorce sucks, believe me. And i really get tired of police divorces being blamed on the "unsupportive wives..." NOT always true!

                  Good luck.
                  Last edited by Jellybean400; 05-13-2007, 06:57 PM.


                  • #10
                    I third the pre-marital counseling. I think my marriage may have worked had we done that. Many of the warning signs were there before we were married...and only got worse over the years, ending in a divorce.


                    • #11
                      My wife and I met when I was in LE. We married after dating about 3 yrs and I warned her that I'd be working nights or strange hours for most of my career. We've been married for 22 years and only about two of those were normal "Day Watch" with weekends off. The rest were nights and early mornings patrol, a multi-agency taskforce, robbery-homicide (lots of callouts) and five years ago back to patrol as a sergeant. As a sergeant, I lost all my (officer) seniority and now work nightwatch with Tue/Wed/Thur off. She isn't thrilled about my being away from home four nights a week and working weekends, but this is what she signed up for and my retirement is within sight. My best advice is to date a couple or three years, see how she adjusts to the lifestyle and go from there. Neither of us was planning on changing the other and it worked out okay.
                      "I'm not fluent in the language of violence, but I know enough to get around in places where it's spoken."


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