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Need some advice!!

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  • Need some advice!!

    So to make things short and to the point, I’ve been married for about a year now, got married at a young age to an older woman, 10 year age gap. We’ve been together for about 5 years. Got hired in 2016. We’ve had our ups and downs but I feel like we’re drifting apart. Not to mention I’ve met a coworker who I really like and get along with great and might have developed feelings for. I’m so torn as to what to do. I can talk to my coworker about work **** and she gets it but my wife will never understand. My coworker and I have so much in common and really enjoy spending time together. I’m so torn as to what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

  • #2
    I can't give you answers to your feelings, but work relationships are DANGEROUS. The last work related marriage at my agency resulted in both being let go, and neither one is in law enforcement now. I personally keep my work life and my home life separate, it tends to make things easier on both fronts.

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    • #3
      Dump your wife. Go with the coworker closer to your age. Enjoy life.
      Now go home and get your shine box!

      Comment


      • #4
        I recently witnessed the implosion of a married LEO couple in my workplace.

        Backstory: they started off somewhat similar to your situation. He's was married, w/ kids. She was not.

        She caught his eye, a friendship initiated, then an affair, blah blah blah.

        They eventually got married. Frequent drama with ex-wife ensued over custody and money.

        Several years pass. Everything seemed normal enough. Then both started having affairs (including with other co-workers).

        They announce divorce.

        Daily encounters are awkward as assets and liabilities get divided. That stuff can get complicated... house, boat, cars, investments, credit cards, etc. Lots of "Have your attorney call my attorney" talk.

        This went on for weeks and weeks. I suspect whatever money was left at the end went to their attorneys.

        Now mostly all sorted out. Both are on the '45 and singles' scene (which motivated him to lose 25 pounds).

        In the end, he's out two marriages, and his kids call someone else their dad.

        Only a matter of time before he snags another. Three's a charm, right?

        Above recent scenario is not first time I've seen this go down. Just change the names and some of the circumstances for the other work couples.

        Some people thrive on drama and baggage. Life is one set of complications after another.

        Good luck with that.



        One day, lad, this will all be yours.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Ratatatat View Post
          I recently witnessed the implosion of a married LEO couple in my workplace.

          Backstory: they started off somewhat similar to your situation. He's was married, w/ kids. She was not.

          She caught his eye, a friendship initiated, then an affair, blah blah blah.

          They eventually got married. Frequent drama with ex-wife ensued over custody and money.

          Several years pass. Everything seemed normal enough. Then both started having affairs (including with other co-workers).

          They announce divorce.

          Daily encounters are awkward as assets and liabilities get divided. That stuff can get complicated... house, boat, cars, investments, credit cards, etc. Lots of "Have your attorney call my attorney" talk.

          This went on for weeks and weeks. I suspect whatever money was left at the end went to their attorneys.

          Now mostly all sorted out. Both are on the '45 and singles' scene (which motivated him to lose 25 pounds).

          In the end, he's out two marriages, and his kids call someone else their dad.

          Only a matter of time before he snags another. Three's a charm, right?

          Above recent scenario is not first time I've seen this go down. Just change the names and some of the circumstances for the other work couples.

          Some people thrive on drama and baggage. Life is one set of complications after another.

          Good luck with that.


          Thats what I’m afraid of, that me may end up having a bad breakup and then work becomes really awkward. As of right now tho, I can’t help the fact that I enjoy spending my time with her rather than my wife.

          Comment


          • #6
            I can't believe that I'm giving personal advice, but it sounds like you need to make a decision about your marriage before you do anything else. Recommit to the marriage and obtain counseling if needed (which it probably is) or get divorced.

            Your co-worker is a sister officer and deserves to be treated like you would want your actual sister treated by some other guy. You don't need to involve a friend and co-worker involved in the drama of you cheating on your wife or leaving your wife strictly for her. If you and your coworker are meant to be, she'll be around after the divorce.

            Since you're old enough to be hired as a cop, you're old enough to understand the issues of dating in the workplace. This is especially true if you're in a small department (and they all seem small when you're dating an employee) or you're on the same shift.
            John from Maryland

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            • #7
              Originally posted by mike_m View Post
              Thats what I’m afraid of, that me may end up having a bad breakup and then work becomes really awkward. As of right now tho, I can’t help the fact that I enjoy spending my time with her rather than my wife.
              There's nothing new under the sun and your situation is nothing new. And welcome to the club re: wife doesn't 'get' your job. Most don't. That's why we have our boyz. Or why we post away on O.com.

              I have an analogy which may or may not apply. Back in the day I had a friend who would hit on waitresses/bartenders all the time. I'd be sitting with him at a local pub, nursing a pint of suds, and he'd be bantering back and forth with the girls, asking for phone numbers, setting up dates. "She really digs me", he'd say, about a personable waitress who brought him his burger and fries and brew skis. "Dude, you know it's their job to listen to your stupid patter all night, don't you?" Despite my admonishments, he'd still set up dates, some of which turned into relationships, and all of which ended badly. Why? Because people act a certain way at work because they have to, but when the relationship transitions to the personal zone, things change, and the smiling person who used to laugh at your silly jokes and bring you food no longer finds it funny to deal with you...

              Rarely do things work out in the long run in these situations and often both careers and personal lives pay the toll and the impacts can have huge ripple effects. There's a situation I am familiar with involving a female judge and a detective- both were married and started having an affair while the judge was presiding over a murder trial where the detective was the main witness. The defendant was convicted and went off to prison and no one knew about the affair until a couple years later, the judge's husband divorced her and text communications between the judge and the detective were released in divorce court showing they were obviously having an affair during the trial. Well now, guess where things currently stand? The detective retired abruptly and is under investigation. The judge is under removal proceedings and has been charged with perjury for lying about the affair. And the guy in prison is about to get a new trial. It's a huge effing mess caused because two grown adults were bored in their marriages and disregarded the cardinal rule about not dipping in company ink.

              Maybe you're the exception and your situation will end up different. I don't really care what happens, it's not like we're ever going to hang out. Just know that the ice gets thinner the farther out you get and thinking you have no control over how you feel is not an excuse that holds up well over time....
              One day, lad, this will all be yours.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by mike_m View Post
                So to make things short and to the point, I’ve been married for about a year now, got married at a young age to an older woman, 10 year age gap. We’ve been together for about 5 years. Got hired in 2016. We’ve had our ups and downs but I feel like we’re drifting apart. Not to mention I’ve met a coworker who I really like and get along with great and might have developed feelings for. I’m so torn as to what to do. I can talk to my coworker about work **** and she gets it but my wife will never understand. My coworker and I have so much in common and really enjoy spending time together. I’m so torn as to what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
                Intradepartmental dating/screwing around is the number one reason for drama and disaccord at my agency. As a supervisor, I'm sick and tired of having to deal with the fallout. I'm just about ready to implement a "F*ck and Fire" policy.

                Comment


                • #9
                  My third marriage is going strong... the first 2, not so much, my 1st one cheated on me while I was deployed, second became a drunk stationed overseas
                  Former Police Officer (Injured LOD)
                  USAF VETERAN 2004-2012
                  "The sheep pretend the wolf will never come, but the sheepdog lives for that day."-LTC Grossman
                  Emergency Services Dispatcher, APG MD

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I wouldn't recommend getting involved with anyone, on or through the job.

                    Every love affair I've heard of under such circumstances has never lasted. Maybe there are exceptions but I wouldn't ruin a sure thing for a possible.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by CCCSD View Post
                      Dump your wife. Go with the coworker closer to your age. Enjoy life.
                      HAHAHAHAHAHA. It's been a few years since I've used these forums last, but I sure am glad to see some of the Ol' Dogs still here! I'm working light duty right now due to being IOD, and randomly thought, "Man, I haven't been on these forums in A LONG TIME, I should check it out." I'm extremely pleased with my decision to log on, and sure as **** missed your sarcasm CCCSD =D!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by mike_m View Post
                        So to make things short and to the point, I’ve been married for about a year now, got married at a young age to an older woman, 10 year age gap. We’ve been together for about 5 years. Got hired in 2016. We’ve had our ups and downs but I feel like we’re drifting apart. Not to mention I’ve met a coworker who I really like and get along with great and might have developed feelings for. I’m so torn as to what to do. I can talk to my coworker about work **** and she gets it but my wife will never understand. My coworker and I have so much in common and really enjoy spending time together. I’m so torn as to what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
                        I'll make my advice "short and to the point" with an age old adage: "Dont **** where you eat."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Glad I could improve your day, amigo!
                          Now go home and get your shine box!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Op clearly forgot the questions they ask during the pre employment stage.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by DD312 View Post
                              I can't give you answers to your feelings, but work relationships are DANGEROUS. The last work related marriage at my agency resulted in both being let go, and neither one is in law enforcement now. I personally keep my work life and my home life separate, it tends to make things easier on both fronts.
                              Originally posted by CCCSD View Post
                              Dump your wife. Go with the coworker closer to your age. Enjoy life.
                              Originally posted by not.in.MY.town View Post

                              Intradepartmental dating/screwing around is the number one reason for drama and disaccord at my agency. As a supervisor, I'm sick and tired of having to deal with the fallout. I'm just about ready to implement a "F*ck and Fire" policy.
                              Originally posted by westside popo View Post
                              I wouldn't recommend getting involved with anyone, on or through the job.

                              Every love affair I've heard of under such circumstances has never lasted. Maybe there are exceptions but I wouldn't ruin a sure thing for a possible.
                              Originally posted by Amigo1342 View Post

                              I'll make my advice "short and to the point" with an age old adage: "Dont **** where you eat."
                              mike m, what can go wrong?

                              Worst-case scenarios.
                              1. You can lose your pension
                              2. You can lose your job
                              3. You can lose your freedom
                              4. You can lose your life
                              5. You can f-up your sergeant’s prepaid family Disneyland Vacation by delaying your arrest, taking a hostage and barricading yourself in a "pay by the hour motel" only willing to surrender to your sergeant who is not quite 400 miles away.

                              You asked for advice, I suggest you read this thread a few times.


                              Last edited by BTDT2; 01-01-2019, 12:51 PM. Reason: typo

                              Comment


                              • not.in.MY.town
                                not.in.MY.town commented
                                Editing a comment
                                Number 5 is awfully specific. Is there anything you would like to tell us?

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