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  • Jeff22
    replied
    In my life I've had four situations where I dated co-workers.

    The most recent one ended in disappointment without drama. The one before that had LOTS of crazy involved, and the two before that (back in the mid-1980s) resulted in awkwardness that somewhat dissipated over time.

    Relationships with co-workers are really complicated. AND if you're married, try to fix that relationship or at least get a clear idea where things stand FIRST.

    Then if you decide to end it, end it because that relationship is no longer working and NOT because you're about to jump right into another relationship.

    Don't cheat on your significant other. It's a betrayal of trust, shows bad character, and people WILL find out and many people will never respect you after that. Your credibility cannot be repaired. If you are married and decide to end it, then move out, file for divorce, and then you can do whatever you want. It's best to let the dust settle a little bit before you get involved again, but nobody ever seems to want to wait.

    Nobody is ever who you think they are, and you never know what you need to know until it's too late. Many people appear to be MUCH more competent in a structured and goal oriented environment like on the job, and then you get involved and eventually find out that they're an emotional dumpster fire.

    And if both people are some variety of type A personality or either one is controlling (both of which are common with cops and firefighters and military folks) they'll be fighting all the time. The relationship will be a constant struggle for control.

    Right now we have a situation between a female officer and a male dispatcher who are living together. He's really jealous, she's getting that way, and both are controlling. They usually work the same shift and ride back and forth to work together. The cops (they live in a different jurisdiction) have been to their house twice for verbal disputes (called in by the neighbors) ALTHOUGH not for over a year. They constantly text back and forth to each other while at work and about every other week there is some kind of minor dispute about something that occurs at work. They've been counseled a few times and I get the sense that management is waiting for something significant to happen so they can lower the boom. A bad situation with the potential to get worse that should have been dealt with already. (It is providing entertainment to the rest of us however) Regardless how this ends, their professional reputation(s) have taken a hit that can probably never be entirely repaired.

    Make a good choice. The potential for disaster is real.

    Leave a comment:


  • dlam123
    replied
    Originally posted by mike_m View Post
    So to make things short and to the point, I’ve been married for about a year now, got married at a young age to an older woman, 10 year age gap. We’ve been together for about 5 years. Got hired in 2016. We’ve had our ups and downs but I feel like we’re drifting apart. Not to mention I’ve met a coworker who I really like and get along with great and might have developed feelings for. I’m so torn as to what to do. I can talk to my coworker about work **** and she gets it but my wife will never understand. My coworker and I have so much in common and really enjoy spending time together. I’m so torn as to what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
    Call me old-fashioned, but once you make a commitment to marry someone you should devote all your effort into fixing whatever is causing you guys to "drift apart" until all options are absolutely exhausted. If you were just dating, it might be a different story. Could be lust/crush, but since you and your wife are going through a little hump, you're trying to fill this void with feelings for your coworker. Might just be a temporary feeling because your coworker "understands" you. Plus, work relationship usually don't work out that well.

    Let me ask you this, hypothetically, you end things with your wife, got together with your coworker, and 2 years later it ends. Was it worth losing a marriage, losing a friend, and now having an awkward work environment for everyone because you had a little crush on someone?

    Leave a comment:


  • Ratatatat
    replied
    The rule of thumb among the troops was this: a cop should not marry another cop
    No truer words have been written here.

    I have a few theories about how and why LEOs (both male and female) get romantically involved with certain archetypes. My theories aren't exactly scientific, but they are based on patterns I've witnessed over the past millennium. In a nutshell, it's not just where Cupid's dart lands that promulgates such liaisons, but a confluence of complex motivations and psychological traits, some of which can lead to ruin.

    Example #1: Strippers. Now, as a general rule, any interaction with strippers should be as short as possible and as formal as possible. The milieu of strippers is an endless eddy of late nights, alcohol, Motley Crue songs, and big tippers wearing gold and too much cologne. Police are frequently called to their workplace to deal with stalkers, drunks, and pervs and quickly can become hero-savior types to the performing talent. Officers, in turn, appreciate being appreciated, especially by a 22 year old wearing four ounces of clothing. But dancers are a complicated lot and their world is not very conducive to healthy habits and positive relationships. The end result of cop + stripper is almost always a big fiery mess, a predictable train wreck for everyone involved, and has ended many a career.

    Example #2: Groupies. I've never understood why some ladies are attracted to LE as if cops were members of a boy band, but the uniform badge and car can be more intoxicating than a Harry Styles concert is for a thirteen year old. Groupies may not have the same issues as adult entertainers but issues still exist, just different issues. Why do cops go down the rabbit hole with groupies? My theory is this: at home they get no love. At work they get no love. But suddenly here's this doe-eyed person fawning over them, amazed by them, in awe of their power and social rank. Parallel dynamics to Example #1, minus the skeevy workplace and glitter spray.

    Example #3: Co-workers. Now this is a bit trickier to parse out than the above examples, mainly because the involved parties are trained professionals who operate within a highly-supervised hierarchy with clearly defined roles and defined boundaries of behavior. So I look at co-worker relationships in simpler terms, which is two Type A personalities are generally not aligned for long-term harmony. I also submit that day after day, year after year of being around cops and cop talk and cop attitude requires respite, and a having a spouse who cares a lot about home and kids and weekends and very little about whatever effed up work situation you dealt with today, well, that's what brings long term stability in a relationship....



    Last edited by Ratatatat; 01-12-2019, 10:28 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • delzo70
    replied
    I'll just tell you of my observations and hope it helps you make up your mind. The department I retired from had a nepotism rule for many many years. Every time a couple fell in love, one had to leave and go to work for someone else. Dating couples were sort of overlooked, but when it got serious, it was known one of the two had to leave the department. Then, the nepotism rule was dropped and several couples decided to marry. The only restriction was they could not work the same shift if they were both in patrol or in the same special unit.... such as juvenile, detectives, auto theft, etc.

    I can name at least 8 couples in my agency that married under one of the nepotism rules and not ONE couple stayed together over a couple of years. The rule of thumb among the troops was this: a cop should not marry another cop. I don't know if this is the norm throughout the country, but it is a fact where I worked. I can also name four couples from neighboring departments that had the same issues that resulted in divorce. Be cautious throwing away what you have for a few months of fun with a coworker.

    Leave a comment:


  • not.in.MY.town
    replied
    Originally posted by CCCSD View Post

    You are heading for a sexual harassment complaint and an IA. You are an idiot. Please don’t come back. You’ve wasted everyone’s time, including your wife’s.
    He's an idiot because he seems to be following the "advice" you gave him at the beginning of the thread?

    Originally posted by CCCSD
    Dump your wife. Go with the coworker closer to your age. Enjoy life.

    Leave a comment:


  • CCCSD
    replied
    Originally posted by mike_m View Post
    So my wife and have separated till we can figure things out, we’ve been separated for about 2 weeks now. Things haven’t gotten any better, every time we try to get together to talk it just ends up in a argument. So for the mean time I’ve been looking for an alternative place to live. As for the coworker and I, I tried to stop talking with her but unfortunately would wind up talking and venting to her.
    You are heading for a sexual harassment complaint and an IA. You are an idiot. Please don’t come back. You’ve wasted everyone’s time, including your wife’s.

    Leave a comment:


  • orangebottle
    replied
    You come here, ask for advice, get near-unanimous consensus that dumping the wife and taking up with the new girl is a bad idea, then appear to ignore it all. Why ask the question in the first place?

    As for my advice: It's cheaper to keep 'er. Seek marital counseling.

    Leave a comment:


  • Rockriver
    replied
    2019: Things are hot and heavy sexually. Life is good.
    2020: Wife finds out, files for divorce.
    2021: Plaintiff's attorney subpoenas girlfriend for deposition to document adultery. Girlfriend not happy. Sexual tension begins to wane. Wife is going after a substantial piece of your future retirement.
    2022: Old girlfriend has unrelated run-in with her boss and gets a couple of days on the beach.
    2023: Using her best weapon, old girlfriend files EEO complaint. Lots of co-workers waste time writing affidavits and testifying in EEO matter. You have to defend yourself against sexual harrasment charges. Your boss questions your maturity and judgment (just when you are up for promotion).
    2024: During newly mandated agency sensitivity training, your name is never mentioned, but even the newest recruits know your story.

    Don't dip your pen in the company ink.

    Leave a comment:


  • not.in.MY.town
    replied
    Originally posted by mike_m View Post
    So my wife and have separated till we can figure things out, we’ve been separated for about 2 weeks now. Things haven’t gotten any better, every time we try to get together to talk it just ends up in a argument. So for the mean time I’ve been looking for an alternative place to live. As for the coworker and I, I tried to stop talking with her but unfortunately would wind up talking and venting to her.
    Two options:

    1) Keep your clothes on while talking and venting to your coworker, or
    2) Talk and vent to a counselor. That's what they're there for.

    Good luck!

    Leave a comment:


  • mike_m
    replied
    So my wife and have separated till we can figure things out, we’ve been separated for about 2 weeks now. Things haven’t gotten any better, every time we try to get together to talk it just ends up in a argument. So for the mean time I’ve been looking for an alternative place to live. As for the coworker and I, I tried to stop talking with her but unfortunately would wind up talking and venting to her.

    Leave a comment:


  • FireCop203
    replied
    I also don’t agree with the workplace situations. I’ve seen several in the PD take bad turns and end badly. They happen in the FD too. There was a married female firefighter in my district (one of the first on our department) who entered into a fling with a married firefighter at her station. Next thing you know, word gets out and both are divorced. The spouses make complaints to the Chiefs office and make things even worse.

    The station Captain is caught in the middle of this mess and wants one of them out of his station, he doesn’t care which one or even better both. The female is transferred to my station (oh joy). The guy from the station she was at is burning up our phone lines because he’s obsessed with her. If both stations responded to the same fire, he was stuck to her like glue.

    And then......here we go again. She starts sneaking around with a married guy at my station. He gets a divorce not long after they start dating. Everyone in the district is avoiding her like the plague. Our relief finally came when he retired and my Captain talked the Chief into transferring her out of the district. Talk about workplace drama. Wow.

    Leave a comment:


  • just joe
    replied
    I don't have much to add but, as a supervisor, I've never seen these things work out, and I hate trying to manage them because there is no separation between personal life and work, which impacts work, and your co-workers. As noted in an above post, determine whether you want to save your marriage, and then act accordingly. Does your wife think you two have a problem?

    Leave a comment:


  • TMRAZ
    replied
    Perhaps others have already touched in this, but the wise thing to do is to cut off this relationship with your coworker unless it is strictly work related and necessary. Look for any opportunities to reconnect with your wife. I'm not saying this to be rude, but because it is this truth and will make you happier in the end: you made a commitment when you married your wife. You promised complete fidelity to her, and to go against that is wrong and will bring unhappiness to everyone involved. It is one thing to get out of a relationship because there is abuse or something if that sort, but to betray a spouse because you have a good connection with someone else, even if you have a "better" connection with them, is just not okay. I'm just trying to help by saying this, but please cut off this relationship with your coworker, and cling to your wife. It is that simple. God bless.

    Leave a comment:


  • Wentwest
    replied
    To read about a work related romance gone south for a cop, Google Clarence Ratliff, Grand Rapids, MI.
    21 yr copper, conservative ex- Marine falls in love with liberal judge. I guess she “Got him”. No one could believe they married. A time later she leaves fools around on him. He shoots and kills her in her chambers while on duty.

    If it isn’t right, doesn’t look or feel right, it isn’t right! Run from it! Ratliff never dreamed he would die in prison, let alone ever commit a felony.
    Last edited by Wentwest; 01-03-2019, 05:54 PM. Reason: To correct facts

    Leave a comment:


  • Ratatatat
    replied
    Something else came to mind on this topic--

    True story- I know a former LEO (now an attorney; long story behind that I'm not going to get into at the moment). I've known him for many years, and know his wife (they were high school sweethearts). Anyways, they got married young, started a family, some years passed, and he had an affair.

    So like a lot of people who have affairs, at some point he realized the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence, or he became consumed with guilt, or he decided it's best to keep his family intact, or he realized his job could be at risk, or for whatever reason, he ended the affair and fessed up to his wife.

    Well, since they were a devout religious couple, the next step was pastoral counseling, which meant a lot of atoning for his transgressions, including presenting himself before their church congregation to ask forgiveness (I'm no expert on protestant denominations but my understanding was his church views the congregation as the body of Christ, and in contrast to the Catholic church where confession occurs privately, confession happens before the entire flock.)

    I can only visualize him, a grown man, standing before a couple hundred fellow parishioners, blubbering about his infidelity and asking for their forgiveness. This was some years ago and his marriage survived, but what a humiliating experience that must have been....


    Leave a comment:

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