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  • #31
    The rule of thumb among the troops was this: a cop should not marry another cop
    No truer words have been written here.

    I have a few theories about how and why LEOs (both male and female) get romantically involved with certain archetypes. My theories aren't exactly scientific, but they are based on patterns I've witnessed over the past millennium. In a nutshell, it's not just where Cupid's dart lands that promulgates such liaisons, but a confluence of complex motivations and psychological traits, some of which can lead to ruin.

    Example #1: Strippers. Now, as a general rule, any interaction with strippers should be as short as possible and as formal as possible. The milieu of strippers is an endless eddy of late nights, alcohol, Motley Crue songs, and big tippers wearing gold and too much cologne. Police are frequently called to their workplace to deal with stalkers, drunks, and pervs and quickly can become hero-savior types to the performing talent. Officers, in turn, appreciate being appreciated, especially by a 22 year old wearing four ounces of clothing. But dancers are a complicated lot and their world is not very conducive to healthy habits and positive relationships. The end result of cop + stripper is almost always a big fiery mess, a predictable train wreck for everyone involved, and has ended many a career.

    Example #2: Groupies. I've never understood why some ladies are attracted to LE as if cops were members of a boy band, but the uniform badge and car can be more intoxicating than a Harry Styles concert is for a thirteen year old. Groupies may not have the same issues as adult entertainers but issues still exist, just different issues. Why do cops go down the rabbit hole with groupies? My theory is this: at home they get no love. At work they get no love. But suddenly here's this doe-eyed person fawning over them, amazed by them, in awe of their power and social rank. Parallel dynamics to Example #1, minus the skeevy workplace and glitter spray.

    Example #3: Co-workers. Now this is a bit trickier to parse out than the above examples, mainly because the involved parties are trained professionals who operate within a highly-supervised hierarchy with clearly defined roles and defined boundaries of behavior. So I look at co-worker relationships in simpler terms, which is two Type A personalities are generally not aligned for long-term harmony. I also submit that day after day, year after year of being around cops and cop talk and cop attitude requires respite, and a having a spouse who cares a lot about home and kids and weekends and very little about whatever effed up work situation you dealt with today, well, that's what brings long term stability in a relationship....

    Last edited by Ratatatat; 01-12-2019, 11:28 AM.
    Chance favors the prepared mind.

    -Louis Pasteur


    • #32
      Originally posted by mike_m View Post
      So to make things short and to the point, I’ve been married for about a year now, got married at a young age to an older woman, 10 year age gap. We’ve been together for about 5 years. Got hired in 2016. We’ve had our ups and downs but I feel like we’re drifting apart. Not to mention I’ve met a coworker who I really like and get along with great and might have developed feelings for. I’m so torn as to what to do. I can talk to my coworker about work **** and she gets it but my wife will never understand. My coworker and I have so much in common and really enjoy spending time together. I’m so torn as to what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
      Call me old-fashioned, but once you make a commitment to marry someone you should devote all your effort into fixing whatever is causing you guys to "drift apart" until all options are absolutely exhausted. If you were just dating, it might be a different story. Could be lust/crush, but since you and your wife are going through a little hump, you're trying to fill this void with feelings for your coworker. Might just be a temporary feeling because your coworker "understands" you. Plus, work relationship usually don't work out that well.

      Let me ask you this, hypothetically, you end things with your wife, got together with your coworker, and 2 years later it ends. Was it worth losing a marriage, losing a friend, and now having an awkward work environment for everyone because you had a little crush on someone?


      • #33
        In my life I've had four situations where I dated co-workers.

        The most recent one ended in disappointment without drama. The one before that had LOTS of crazy involved, and the two before that (back in the mid-1980s) resulted in awkwardness that somewhat dissipated over time.

        Relationships with co-workers are really complicated. AND if you're married, try to fix that relationship or at least get a clear idea where things stand FIRST.

        Then if you decide to end it, end it because that relationship is no longer working and NOT because you're about to jump right into another relationship.

        Don't cheat on your significant other. It's a betrayal of trust, shows bad character, and people WILL find out and many people will never respect you after that. Your credibility cannot be repaired. If you are married and decide to end it, then move out, file for divorce, and then you can do whatever you want. It's best to let the dust settle a little bit before you get involved again, but nobody ever seems to want to wait.

        Nobody is ever who you think they are, and you never know what you need to know until it's too late. Many people appear to be MUCH more competent in a structured and goal oriented environment like on the job, and then you get involved and eventually find out that they're an emotional dumpster fire.

        And if both people are some variety of type A personality or either one is controlling (both of which are common with cops and firefighters and military folks) they'll be fighting all the time. The relationship will be a constant struggle for control.

        Right now we have a situation between a female officer and a male dispatcher who are living together. He's really jealous, she's getting that way, and both are controlling. They usually work the same shift and ride back and forth to work together. The cops (they live in a different jurisdiction) have been to their house twice for verbal disputes (called in by the neighbors) ALTHOUGH not for over a year. They constantly text back and forth to each other while at work and about every other week there is some kind of minor dispute about something that occurs at work. They've been counseled a few times and I get the sense that management is waiting for something significant to happen so they can lower the boom. A bad situation with the potential to get worse that should have been dealt with already. (It is providing entertainment to the rest of us however) Regardless how this ends, their professional reputation(s) have taken a hit that can probably never be entirely repaired.

        Make a good choice. The potential for disaster is real.


        • #34
          If you can’t be faithful to one woman and to your oath, you won’t be faithful to another... or to any other oath.

          If she is willing to wreck a home once, she’s willing to wreck others.
          "I am a Soldier. I fight where I'm told and I win where I fight." -- GEN George S. Patton, Jr.

          "With a brother on my left and a sister on my right, we face…. We face what no one should face. We face, so no one else would face. We are in the face of Death." -- Holli Peet


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