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New LEO girlfriend requesting input and advice

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  • New LEO girlfriend requesting input and advice

    Hello All,
    would love and appreciate any advice you have for me. I’ve never dated a LEO before and want to find out the best advice for how to support him.

    I can see already that there’s a lack of having much free time to work on a good relationship as he works many hours and has other responsibilities.

    Thanks in advance for any and all advice you can can offer or even information about being in a relationship with a LEO since this is a brand new experience.
    Last edited by Blueetedangel; 04-23-2018, 09:50 PM.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Blueetedangel View Post
    Hello All,
    would love and appreciate any advice you have for me. I’ve never dated a LEO before and want to find out the best advice for how to support him.

    I can see already that there’s a lack of having much free time to work on a good relationship as he works many hours and has other responsibilities.

    Thanks in advance for any and all advice you can can offer or even information about being in a relationship with a LEO since this is a brand new experience.
    Most important advice right off the bat: Don't use your picture as your avatar online (assuming the pic is you) and be careful not to identify him. That goes for ANYBODY online...but even more so for LEOs and their families and loved ones. We tend to value our privacy due to safety concerns and public perception.
    Last edited by not.in.MY.town; 04-23-2018, 10:27 PM. Reason: edited quote

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks for the advice!!

      Comment


      • #4
        I know your not a wife, but this is a good book as well Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement by Kevin M. Gilmartin

        There a few other books out there to read as well. Best thing is be the supportive ear, let him vent. Ask open ended questions and let the answers be. Try not to pry and ask to many questions.
        I'd rather be judged by 12 rather carried by 6.

        It should be noted that any and all post that are made are based on my own thought and opinions. And are not related or implied to represent the department I work for.

        Comment


        • Blueetedangel
          Blueetedangel commented
          Editing a comment
          Thanks for the recommendation. I’ll check it out.
          I loved to be armed with lots of information

      • #5
        Also

        I Love a Cop

        https://www.amazon.com/Love-Cop-Revi.../dp/159385353X
        Since some people need to be told by notes in crayon .......Don't PM me with without prior permission. If you can't discuss the situation in the open forum ----it must not be that important

        My new word for the day is FOCUS, when someone irritates you tell them to FOCUS

        Comment


        • Blueetedangel
          Blueetedangel commented
          Editing a comment
          The new edition is coming out in a couple of weeks. I’m wIting on that and will read it then.
          Thank you !!

      • #6
        Make sure you don’t introduce him as a cop and tell your people to stop talking about cop stuff around him. Be supprtive give him an outlet outside of LE. Find some activities you both like and do it.
        Where'd you learn that, Cheech? Drug school?

        Comment


        • Blueetedangel
          Blueetedangel commented
          Editing a comment
          Thanks for the advice.
          Definitely, you guys work long enough hours as it is so need down time to regroup.
          I try to have fun, make him laugh and forget about cop stuff for a while.

      • #7
        Remember that HE is the LEO, not YOU. Nothing more irritating that spouses, family members, etc, “My _________ is a cop, so I know.....” or “Please don’t give me a citation, because ________ , my boyfriend is gonna be upset!”.

        I’m sure you get the picture.

        I can totally understand that being associated with a LEO is pretty cool, but please don’t advertise it.

        Good luck!
        Getting shot hurts! Don't under estimate the power of live ammo. A .22LR can kill you! I personally feel that it's best to avoid being shot by any caliber. Your vest may stop the bullet, but you'll still get a nice bruise or other injury to remember the experience.

        Comment


        • Blueetedangel
          Blueetedangel commented
          Editing a comment
          Yes, I can imagine it would get really annoying with people trying to use that to get out of a problem they got into.

          Yes - it totally is cool being associated with a LEO.
          I have a whole new found respect for all LEO and the sacrifices they make.

          Thank you for the advice.

      • #8
        Probably want to edit the part about his being a (edited out)..we can find him pretty quick from that part...
        Last edited by CCCSD; 04-23-2018, 11:53 PM.
        Now go home and get your shine box!

        Comment


        • Blueetedangel
          Blueetedangel commented
          Editing a comment
          I appreciate the comment and have edited. Didn’t think that would make him that easily identifiable but trust in your knowledge.
          Thank you!

        • CCCSD
          CCCSD commented
          Editing a comment
          You’re welcome.

        • not.in.MY.town
          not.in.MY.town commented
          Editing a comment
          Blueetedangel
          Glad you took that info out! That's what I meant when I said be careful not to identify him...

      • #9
        Thanks for the advice

        Comment


        • #10
          See how being associated with LE can get complicating? What you would think is no biggie, can actually cause issues down the line.

          Many of us are careful in revealing details about the agency we work for or other information that can make it easy to identify who we are. There are a lot of folks out there who love to “stick it” to LEO, so we need to take precautions.

          I totally scrubbed my social media accounts. Not only is it scrubbed, but there’s some disinformation on there as well. Had a defendant who was represented by an attorney who thought he was slick. Tried to ham me up with comments made on my FB account. I responded to his question with something to the effect of “Since we’re believing everything on my FB account now, I guess you gotta make this quick, because I teach a hot yoga class in my pink tights in about a half an hour”. The jury busted out laughing and I nearly got a hit with contempt of court by the judge.

          There have been other cases where LEO were stalked and hunted down by really bad people using info found on social media. That innocuous photo of junior at little league with daddy coaching could be all a thug needs to figure out where/when to extract revenge.

          Glad you’re taking the time to figure out the “ins and outs” of having a LEO BF.

          Good luck to you!
          Getting shot hurts! Don't under estimate the power of live ammo. A .22LR can kill you! I personally feel that it's best to avoid being shot by any caliber. Your vest may stop the bullet, but you'll still get a nice bruise or other injury to remember the experience.

          Comment


          • Blueetedangel
            Blueetedangel commented
            Editing a comment
            I really appreciate you taking the time to share. Obviously, I wouldn’t ever want to do anything to put him at additional risk but just lack of knowledge and experience can cause me to make some mistakes.
            Definitely going to examine things more carefully from now on.
            Thanks again !!

          • HI629
            HI629 commented
            Editing a comment
            Heck, not only his safety, but YOURS as well. Lots o sickos out there that target family of LEO for revenge or other demented purposes.

        • #11
          I'll second the social media issue here. Lot's of people have been jammed up because of their spouses or significant others. Do not "sneak" pictures of him geared up or any of his issued equipment. Many places have specific policies against this. DO NOT POSE WITH ANY OF HIS STUFF and take selfies. Some people think they are being cute posing in their SO's uniform shirt or hat or god forbid their weapon. These have a way of getting back to the bosses.

          Do not wear anything with police on it or put stickers/tags on your vehicle. I could go off on a tangent about off-duty survival but one of the biggest things is not being a target. JO-JO bad guy decides today is the day to kill a cop and spots your vehicle with FOP tags. SO cop isn't in the truck but you are. Get my point?

          Third, be respectful of distance. Often at cop-centric parties you'll find a lot of shop talk. Do not insert yourself in the conversations unless invited. I had a come to jesus with my wife because I'd be mid-conversation with other cops and she'd jump in with "well I have a CJ degree and my professors said....." It can put some people off.

          Fourth, and I hate to say this, but you need to help him plan for the worst if this is a serious relationship. One of the first things we (my now wife and I did) once we determined we were in this for the long haul was to have a living will that made sure she was named and had the benefits that usually fall automatically to the spouse as well as what my wishes were regarding funerals, who was allowed and not allowed, etc.

          Oh, one last thing.... if he says something when you're out or even at home, like " walk away" or "get in basement and stay there" DO NOT start a debate. He'll explain later.

          Comment


          • Blueetedangel
            Blueetedangel commented
            Editing a comment
            After talking to you all here - I’ve just done some Social Media Scrubbing in general. I consciously decided to remove all photos of myself which there were not many. My SO doesn’t use social media from what he’s told me. I do advertise my artwork in this manner so I’m not ready to get rid of it completely. I did make private my relationships to any other members of my family. It’s been a real wake up call that you guys can be targeted so much for the job you are doing to serve others.

            I’ve never “snuck” pictures of his gear or uniform although I have pictures of the two of us and he’s in uniform but those are for me personally anyways not to share with everyone in the world.

            I could understand how that could be frustrating for someone to pipe in on “shop” conversations. I’m more likely to remain quiet or just to ask a question if something was interesting.

            Fortunately, I spent my life growing up in a military family which although isn’t Law enforcement but has some commonalities to it.

            Thanks for the heads up about “ walk away”- that’s good to know or I’d probably be the first to ask why?? Lol.

            What characteristics and traits did you all find the most helpful in your SO or wives??

        • #12
          Like real estate is about location, location, location being involved with a cop is about understanding, understanding, understanding. Cops go through some hairy s*&t. They have to see, smell, and do things that ordinary people do not. They have to be in a higher level of awareness (yellow or orange) for 8-10-12 hours a day then are expected to go home and relax. If you want to know what that is like then walk through Compton with a sign around your neck that says "White is right" for 8-10 hours. That will give you an idea of what some of us go through/have gone through.

          The other thing you need to know is that by dating a cop you are choosing a side. You will have friends/family/co-workers and other that either knowing or not knowing you are dating a cop will make comments about LEOs in general that you will object to. You will quickly see the us against them that we all go through. Be prepared.
          Stupid has no color or race, everyone can participate.

          Comment


          • Blueetedangel
            Blueetedangel commented
            Editing a comment
            Thank you so much for sharing with me. In regards to your comment about understanding… What types of things are you talking about understanding? Having no time in your life to yourself? Working superlong hours and being responsible for a whole lot of other peoples lives including yourself? I mean trying to make a relationship work takes effort and some of it has to be on both sides… Right?
            Understanding that you might be exhausted and you have nothing much left to give at that point ???
            If you’re saying about understanding those things I’m getting the idea rather quickly but that’s gonna take a lot of patience and hard work on my part that’s for certain .

        • #13
          Make cookies, brownies etc at holidays for his unit, watch or whatever his shift is called.

          He will be very popular.

          As a rule, LEOs/COs are apprehensive about food brought in from the outside.

          If someone says 'where did the brownies come from?' and someone else says, Off. Joe Schmoe's wife/gf made them. It means they're ok to eat.

          Don't get excessive, I'm talking major holidays. If he has to work extra for 4th of July consider cupcakes or brownies. If you can't bake (not my talent) buy a bunch of frozen toll house cookies. No one will no the difference.

          My co-worker's wife is an incredible baker, we all love her and bug him at Christmas to see what she's going to make. I know he's proud. As well he should be.
          Last edited by Zeitgeist; 05-07-2018, 04:27 PM.
          Judge me by the enemies I have made----Unknown

          Comment


          • Blueetedangel
            Blueetedangel commented
            Editing a comment
            Thanks - that’s something I would love to do!!!
            I absolutely enjoy cooking/ baking for others!!
            I’ll keep that in mind!!!

          • HI629
            HI629 commented
            Editing a comment
            Heck, over the holidays, we had one of the less popular guys bring in shredded roast turkey and gravy for his watch. Complete with stuffing and cranberry sauce.

            After everyone got a chance to endulge, I brought up a question that had been bugging me since he put out the word that he brought us grub. I recall a month or so prior where the wife seriously botched a birthday cake for her husband. I was like “when did your wife learn how to cook?” Then everyone else started to wonder as well.

            Took a bit of prodding, then he finally came clean. The wife works at a local hotel and they had dinner packages that were being sold. We all appreciated the gesture and the food was great! Needless to say, the man is now a bit more popular.

        • #14
          That’s still pretty cool that he did that. Fortunately for me - I’ve been told I’m a really good cook so maybe others can benefit from that. Oddly enough I hate cooking just for myself but love doing it for others. I cooked a really nice Thanksgiving meal for about 10 people last year and they absolutely loved it!!!

          Comment


          • #15
            Coming from a man's perspective I can tell you that we are not always the most thoughtful individuals. Put being a cop on top of that and I think you will see what I mean. Not that he is trying to be a jerk but, the job can make it seem like that. I am not sure where your +1 will be working. It could be Mayberry RFD and all he will have to deal with is the town drunk on occasion and all of this is for nothing. If he is working for Chicago PD or LA or maybe even NYPD then it could be a different story.

            If you are in this for the long haul you will need to help him when he needs it and back off when he doesn't need or want the help. In the end it could be that he will not cope very well and there is nothing you can do for him. It is a sink or swim thing. Help him swim but, don't let him let him drag you down. Sometimes we can't be saved.
            Last edited by IAM Rand; 05-21-2018, 11:27 AM.
            Stupid has no color or race, everyone can participate.

            Comment

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