Am I overreacting

[VACOP1]

Hi everyone

1st sorry about the rant, just need to vent and maybe get some answers

Well this morning I wake up at around 1000 am. My bedroom door is closed. I roll out of bed, and here my wife talking to somebody.

I hear her mention this to the person on the phone (she is keeping this low)
" I had to take a few walks yesturday, I needed to clear my head and fiqure a way out of the situation I am in without losing everthing."

She must not have heard me, because I walk into the kitchen, and when she see's me, she has this look of I'M busted. I ask who she is talking too and she will not tell me. She hangs up the phone, tells me it's somebody out of NYS. Still will not tell me.

I cannot check the phone, because she went and got another cell phone without me knowing and kept it from me.

I will admit I was not perfect did say things, but I was upset.

I write this at 230pm and this whole thing happened at 1000 am. And she refuses to tell me who she was talking too, and is being very secretive. Tells me she is not hiding anything and I am overreacting.

Please give me an outside opinion, from both male and female.

[TPRX899]

I am sorry to say but if she went and got a cellular phone without you knowing, she is having an affair. What you have to do is not worry right now about who it is but talk to her to find out what is going on in your relationship. If you approach it this way she will talk to you about who later. Affairs with women usually happen, not always, but usually when a women's emotional needs are not being met. Working in LE it can happen to a couple before you know it. I hope you both can communicate and try to work out the problems. Divorce sucks! Good Luck!

[VACOP1]

Thanks TRPX, I do appreciate the feedback,
I love my wife, and do not want a divorce, I think it will be harder on the kids.

but usually when a women's emotional needs are not being met

Yes I will admit that I have not been the best person in this catgeory. I do try though.

[Chiller]

Yeah bro,she is definately cheating. The cell phone says it all

You may not want that divorce but can you llive with her going behind your back is the question.

If you 2 can work things out for the kids sake that is great but ever getting that trust back will be near impossible

[Bearcat357]

I cannot check the phone, because she went and got another cell phone without me knowing and kept it from me.

Been there/done that with my ex. She's cheating.....no doubt about it.......

Mine went out and got one of the pay as you go phones......and I found it in her car......and she had his home/cell/office numbers programed into it....



Good luck....

[katzeyze]

Apologies in advance for being long-winded...
Here is from a female POV:

Frist, let me say I am sorry you are having troubles. It doesn't appear that you are reacting in a way that is unreasonable. Without knowing you, your wife or your past history with her I can't say if it's too late to save the ship.

There are some questions that you can consider:

*Have you established that she really wants a divorce?
*Is there any ONE offense that she could be guilty of that to YOU that be the ultimate unforgivable act?
*Is her unhappiness a recent development or has this been an ongoing issue over the course of the marriage?
*If this a long-term unhappiness what is what causing it able to be REASONABLY changed?
*Has she addressed this cause with you previously, if she has - has she explained why the cause hasn't been fixed satisfactorily?
*Have you established if she wants to work at attempting to save the marriage or does she feel that things are beyond repair?
*Is her mind (or yours) closed to attempting counseling before making divorce a final decision?
*Has she recently had any major life changing events occur that might make her more succeptible to feeling discontent? For example has she had gained/lost a job, experienced the loss of a friend, pet or family member (not just through dying, but also by choosing to eliminate a person from her life), is one of your kids just starting or leaving school, is there a behavior issue with any of the kids. is she feeling a tremendous amount stress from a job, is she going through a "hormonal" change due to age or pregnancy?
*Not to get too personal, but has the sex changed between you two? Has she (or you) gone from wanting it all the time to seemingly not want it at all or vice versa?
*How well do you feel that the two of you communicate? Do you regularly communicate with each other? When you do communicate is it one person doing all of the talking and the other one keeping things in or do you both of express your thoughts? If one person is doing all the talking then they can't be listening.


Now, the bad news. If it looks, quacks and waddles like a duck then it isn't a horse with feathers. Her actions are that of someone who is cheating. You may not want to end the marriage, but you should prepare yourself for that in the event that things can't be worked out. The kids are going to better off with two happy parents in two different houses than two miserable parents in one house.

I did say it was going to be long!

[VACOP1]

*Have you established that she really wants a divorce?

She has not said herself

*Is there any ONE offense that she could be guilty of that to YOU that be the ultimate unforgivable act?

Not an act but I have had feeling of her unfaithfulness

*Is her unhappiness a recent development or has this been an ongoing issue over the course of the marriage?

More over lately, just seems like the last few months she has changed

*If this a long-term unhappiness what is what causing it able to be REASONABLY changed?

See above

*Has she addressed this cause with you previously, if she has - has she explained why the cause hasn't been fixed satisfactorily?

No

*Have you established if she wants to work at attempting to save the marriage or does she feel that things are beyond repair?

I have spoke to her about counseling or talking to a Priest, she is not game

*Is her mind (or yours) closed to attempting counseling before making divorce a final decision?

I am willing.

*Has she recently had any major life changing events occur that might make her more succeptible to feeling discontent? For example has she had gained/lost a job, experienced the loss of a friend, pet or family member (not just through dying, but also by choosing to eliminate a person from her life), is one of your kids just starting or leaving school, is there a behavior issue with any of the kids. is she feeling a tremendous amount stress from a job, is she going through a "hormonal" change due to age or pregnancy?

No, on the work or losing a friend or family member. But she is taking medication due to anxiety, that just came on a month ago.

*Not to get too personal, but has the sex changed between you two? Has she (or you) gone from wanting it all the time to seemingly not want it at all or vice versa?

I still enjoy it, but it's not happening. She says it due to her personal appearance, that she does not feel comfortable with the way she looks.

*How well do you feel that the two of you communicate? Do you regularly communicate with each other? When you do communicate is it one person doing all of the talking and the other one keeping things in or do you both of express your thoughts? If one person is doing all the talking then they can't be listening.

We have tried, but it seems it sometimes evolves into an arguement.

[Big Blue Bear]

I can only wish you the best. Been there, done it and wouldn't wish this type of situation on anyone. Do your best to keep the lines of communication going with her and when trying to talk about, do your best to remain calm and cool (I know, easier said than done).
Again, I wish you the best and hope you can work it out.

[VACOP1]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.
I will defintely be civil for the kids sake.

[katzeyze]

Well, shoot. Based on those answers, things certainly do not bode well for the state of your marriage. I can only say try to keep it as amicable as you can, but protects your ASSets as well. Good luck to ya.

[VACOP1]

Yeah bro,she is definately cheating. The cell phone says it all

You may not want that divorce but can you llive with her going behind your back is the question.

If you 2 can work things out for the kids sake that is great but ever getting that trust back will be near impossible

NO i cannot. I told her cheating is one thing, but lying and making a fool out of me is another. She still claims she has done nothing wrong.

[Bearcat357]

She still claims she has done nothing wrong.

Ask to see the cellphone bill.......

[willowdared]

Any chance it's a money thing? Did she open some credit card accounts without you knowing?

What's her issue with her appearance? Any chance she put a deposit down on some plastic surgery?

If you can get into to counseling, you should go, even if she refuses, you should go by yourself.

[VACOP1]

Any chance it's a money thing? Did she open some credit card accounts without you knowing?

I have no idea, she has always handled the finances.

What's her issue with her appearance? Any chance she put a deposit down on some plastic surgery?

She is a little overweight, been like that since our second child.

If you can get into to counseling, you should go, even if she refuses, you should go by yourself

A friend said the same thing.

[BaseballBabe]

I am sorry to hear about what is going on with you. The new phone is a dead give away that she is cheating. I wish you the best of luck. I can't give you much advice that hasn't already been given.