Am I overreacting

[VACOP1]

She did tell me he is a psychologist.....

But anyone can be anything online .

[BrickCop]

The problem may be that your wife can't tell you what she wants because she doesn't know what she wants. Unfortunately I don't have an answer for you in this case but at some point you have to make the next move. If she steadfastedly refuses to be honest with you then there is not much of a marriage to save.


BTW You've been given excellent advice- if you do have a talk with her don't do it in the same room/location you've done it a thousand times before.

Don't take this the wrong way but are you a hot head? Take a ride somewhere relaxing and resist the temptation to snap at her if she says something that is hurtful. Meet her halfway on issues you don't agree on but I'd be wary of the deceit (that you've described).

[VACOP1]

Brick,
Thats me exactly. I do get hot headed. My sister told me the same thing. Take her to lunch just the two of you, this way there will be no yelling.

I have taken the first step. I went and saw a psychologist today, and he wants to set me and my wife up for marriage counseling I just hope she is game.

and yes I have been given excellent advice for everyone, for that I thank you.

[The Colonel(44)]

There was a similar incident with a Tn trooper,who suspected his wife was cheating on him,this was before cell phones became popular,anyway he bugged his phone and hid a tape recorder under his bed,when he announced to his suspect cheating spouse he was going out of town,for a few days,When he got back,there was enough incriminating voices and love talk or moans on the tape,that was all he needed to divorce his wife,without paying alimony!Something for you to consider doing yourself,I know how you feel my 1st wife treated me the same way,while I was at Park Ranger Academy.

[willowdared]

You've got my thoughts and prayers....it's sounds like she knows she's in over her head, and she's scrambling for a solution.

Good luck, whatever happens....let your love of your children be your guide.

[FuzzPup]

I do want to say though, I do admit I am far from perfect in anyway, shape or form.

Could I have been a better husband, friend and father yes.

When we were only married for about 3 years (was going on 8), she felt I was cheating on her. When I went away with the military, or went out with friends. But I never did hide things from her. Or confide in another women who was not a psychologist, or family member.

I will try talking to her calmly. I would like to save this marriage, but not sure if it can be saved.

Glad to hear you are willing to try VACOP1. It is very admirable to be the better person about it and try to work it out. I was a soldiers wife and I fully understand the stress and anxiety involved in that part of it. There is still no excuse to go outside of your marriage for comfort or understanding. I have had buddies do things like that and ultimately the grass looks greener on the other side after all is said and done, the marriage ends, they run off to the other person just to realize they were looking through green tinted glasses. Just make it clear to her that if there is a problem between you two then you want to work it out together with no one else involved. If you cannot work it out without involving strangers then you may just have to man-up to marriage counselling. Most guys freak out when that phrase is mentioned but ultimately its the last line of defense in a marriage. And I might suggest choosing a woman psychologist, that way she cant play the gender bias card.
Best wishes and keep up the faith. No woman is worth losing your sanity, always remember that.

[FuzzPup]

VACOP1--------I would also like to add.... be fully aware of any and all sacrifices she has made for your relationship. Job changes, moves, separation, kids etc. When my husband joined the military I ended up quitting law enforcement and finishing my degree to follow him to Germany. Then he gets medically discharged we have kids, come home and now what? He never noticed all that I gave up. If your wife has experienced that she may be going through alot of resentment towards you. That will have to be something that is addressed. Maybe offer to support her in something she wants to do for a change. That should be a royal shock to her system to hear from you . Good luck.

[VACOP1]

Glad to hear you are willing to try VACOP1. It is very admirable to be the better person about it and try to work it out. I was a soldiers wife and I fully understand the stress and anxiety involved in that part of it. There is still no excuse to go outside of your marriage for comfort or understanding. I have had buddies do things like that and ultimately the grass looks greener on the other side after all is said and done, the marriage ends, they run off to the other person just to realize they were looking through green tinted glasses. Just make it clear to her that if there is a problem between you two then you want to work it out together with no one else involved. If you cannot work it out without involving strangers then you may just have to man-up to marriage counselling. Most guys freak out when that phrase is mentioned but ultimately its the last line of defense in a marriage. And I might suggest choosing a woman psychologist, that way she cant play the gender bias card.
Best wishes and keep up the faith. No woman is worth losing your sanity, always remember that.

That is what the psychologist told me today, that he was going to use a Male-female team.

[Smurfette_76]

She did tell me he is a psychologist.....

But anyone can be anything online .

A psychologist wouldn't put himself in a position to be on the phone with a woman who is married. It sounds to me like your wife is telling you anything she thinks might ease your mind and get you off her ***. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it certainly does sound like an emotional affair...which would explain why she was so adament that she isn't having sex with him. If you're not having sex w/ her that much and she's thinking up excuses not to be alone with you it's most likely because she's become emotionally attached to him and being with you physically is akin to cheating on him. And it sounds like she's fixing to leave you...and is trying to set it up.

[FuzzPup]

She did tell me he is a psychologist.....

But anyone can be anything online .

I must be running slow today. I totally scrolled past this statement. This should be a big red flag. Do you know any psychologists who give free treatment online and on the phone? I sure don't. Must be a really bad one if he is using her to treat him in return eh? Thats like hiring a fireman to burn down your house.

[VACOP1]

He also told her he is a cop. But does not live in NYS

[FuzzPup]

He also told her he is a cop. But does not live in NYS

ummmmmmmmm VACOP1........I am quiet the multi-tasker but a COP/Psychologist who is a pregnant he/she who she met online? Sounds like a typical person you could meet online lol or in some of our shady alleyways
Wait till she goes to sleep get his number and everyone elses out of the phone if possible and do a reverse look up on them. See whatcha get there. If she has an email account and you do not have the password just do a password retrieval on it. You should have enough info on her to get the password. Next do an email search on her name and location to see if she has any hidden accounts. If she has yahoo or some other IM that is capable of archiving instant messages. Enable her settings. Most people dont know what these are or how to use them so she would never know its set up and you can track all of her conversations and who they are to. If you need to know how to do that email me. Sounds a little sneaky but it will stop the denials of her infidelity if in fact you have hard core evidence that is undisputable.

[biggreen]

She did tell me its a married man who's wife has been cheating on him.

She met him in a chat room over a month ago.

She still thinks I am overreacting

I was going to agree with willowdared, but now that you mention this, it doesn't sound good. Try to do some digging on the computer. If you're not computer literate, find a good friend that is and can keep their mouth shut. Other than that, all you can do is ask again and give her an ultimatum, if she doesn't come clean. Just make sure you're willing to back it up. Good luck and sorry for the situation.

[formercop]

Ugh, this sucks. OP was right, you can be anything online, didja know I'm a former supermodel?

This is a terrible situation to be in for you, I'd have to say honesty is your best bet with her. Sit her down, explain where you're coming from, don't get into a screaming match, nor flinging accusations around.

I'm extremely leery of "meeting" anyone online, but as far as I'm concerned, an emotional affair is pretty bad.

[Kyia]

She did tell me he is a psychologist.....

But anyone can be anything online .

Female perspective....I am sorry you are going through this, it stinks. And I am sorry to say but I think she is cheating. Emotionally or physically like someone else mentioned. If she is not doing anything wrong she would have explained and answered any questions that you have. And here is a major point...you said before that she is unwilling to go to counselling. You can say this to her.....Why won't she go to counselling if she's so willing to talk to a supposed Psychologist on the phone. The supposed psychologist wants one thing, your wife. A true psychologist will want to meet with you both in person. If she's willing to talk to the person on the phone she should be willing to go with you. But I don't think she wants to and she is definitely not being upfront.