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Wife Resents Call-Outs

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  • Wife Resents Call-Outs

    I'm in a position for the moment where I don't get called out very often and work a regular shift with regular days off. A really good gig. Every now and again, maybe three-four times a year, I get called out for a major incident. I was on the job before we met, and despite me being in investigations for over a decade, she still can't accept me getting called out. She tends to act as though it's me personally deciding to take something away from her instead of being ordered to go in and do my job.

    Sure, she's got her own stressors; her school, lots of kids, the works, but she gets upset and hurt every time, even if there isn't anything going on at the moment. I've tried everything I can think of to help explain to her that what I do is important and that I am personally needed to make things go right in a major case. It takes me days to get her over her anger, and I know it'll be brought up the next time we have an argument too. I've given her everything I possibly can, but she can't accept that she can't always be priority one.

    Anyone else dealt with this kind of reactions from a spouse? What happened in your case, and did it make it better, or worse?

  • #2
    Couples therapy. You need a neutral party to explain to her that three times a year isn't a big deal.
    Now go home and get your shine box!

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    • #3
      Originally posted by code4code5 View Post
      I'm in a position for the moment where I don't get called out very often and work a regular shift with regular days off. A really good gig. Every now and again, maybe three-four times a year, I get called out for a major incident. I was on the job before we met, and despite me being in investigations for over a decade, she still can't accept me getting called out. She tends to act as though it's me personally deciding to take something away from her instead of being ordered to go in and do my job.

      Sure, she's got her own stressors; her school, lots of kids, the works, but she gets upset and hurt every time, even if there isn't anything going on at the moment. I've tried everything I can think of to help explain to her that what I do is important and that I am personally needed to make things go right in a major case. It takes me days to get her over her anger, and I know it'll be brought up the next time we have an argument too. I've given her everything I possibly can, but she can't accept that she can't always be priority one.

      Anyone else dealt with this kind of reactions from a spouse? What happened in your case, and did it make it better, or worse?
      Try 3 or 4 times a month.............................

      This is one of those times where both people in the marriage have to be on the same page................or there won't be a marriage much longer
      Since some people need to be told by notes in crayon .......Don't PM me with without prior permission. If you can't discuss the situation in the open forum ----it must not be that important

      My new word for the day is FOCUS, when someone irritates you tell them to FOCUS


      (F*** Off Cuz Ur Stupid)

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Iowa #1603 View Post

        Try 3 or 4 times a month.............................

        This is one of those times where both people in the marriage have to be on the same page................or there won't be a marriage much longer
        I've been there too, just this particular position doesn't need to be in the field much.

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        • #5
          Work is probably the only thing my wife doesn't b!*** about. Everything is is fair game though.

          Actually I lied, she doesn't like it when my phone rings and wakes up the 2 year old. That makes her pretty nasty, but she gets over it.
          I make my living on Irish welfare.

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          • #6
            Investigator's wife here... Knee-jerk response is that yours is being a MAJOR brat and needs to get over herself and grow the F up. WTH? It's not like you have ANY control whatsoever over when you get called out. And it is not your job to coddle her to get her over her anger that was out-of-line in the first place. Nor should you have to watch your back in future arguments because she's still seething and can't act like an adult.

            I think what CCCSD recommended, couples counseling, is probably the best route. Who knows...maybe there are some other issues coming into play here (resentment, fear, sadness, etc) and they're manifesting as anger. Good luck!!

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            • Langford PR
              Langford PR commented
              Editing a comment
              ^^^^ this ^^^^!!

          • #7
            Originally posted by CCCSD View Post
            Couples therapy. You need a neutral party to explain to her that three times a year isn't a big deal.
            Yep. When couple fight about something that isn't a big deal it often means they're unwilling or unable to confront the real problem.

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            • #8
              Thanks, all. I got her to agree to go, but we'll see how that pans out.

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              • #9
                Might be that she thinks you are cheating?

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                • #10
                  3-4 times a year?

                  I'm on call a week out of every month, and average 2-3 call outs per week on average, so it may be more routine for my wife than a random 3-4 times per year.
                  My gut (without any personal knowledge of you or your wife) tells me that she is jealous- as Queen Phoniex above stated- she might think you are cheating on her.
                  No offense to the females here- but some women go though things that may make them insecure about their faith in us. The "thing" they usually go through is the dumb **** we do that unintentionally cause those feelings.

                  No- I'm not a psychologist- but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night with a stripper.
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                  • reils49
                    reils49 commented
                    Editing a comment
                    I got called out twice the other night, and I don't even think she noticed. Maybe I should be worried! LOL.

                • #11
                  She's in school but you've been in investigations over ten years? Sounds like a maturity gap there. I like the idea of couples counseling for someone to tell her what adult responsibility is like, and that you have it 20x better than most detectives and people who do shift work.

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                  • #12
                    This is a touchy topic. It has led to some real nice screaming matches between my wife and I back when I was in an on-call slot. It took a firm "grow the **** up" from me and things changed.

                    That being said, make sure your wife doesn't become like one wife of a former coworker who would take to social media every time hubby was called out. She whined and cried "oh whoa is us" one evening while her hubby responded to an officer involved shooting. I really didn't care for him or her.

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