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  • Why won't he talk?

    I am married to a cop. He's been on for 2 years now. We have been married for 10 years and are having serious problems the past 4 months or so. I just recently found out there is another woman/girl whatever you want to call her. Only thing is I can't get him to tell me the truth about what happened. How can I get him to talk? I have recovered cell phone bills (online) since he had been disgarding them and from those bills I know he has been talking to her for about 3 months and anywhere from 5 to 15 times a day. He has told me nothing happened but he "would have if he could have" type thing. He says she wouldn't go for it because he was married but that doesn't add up with the consistant phone calls between them. We've been married since we were both 18 and with 2 children. I've been reading other posts about unfaithful cops and so on and the thing is he is and always has been good looking and gotten attention so the badge (I don't believe) had something to do with this. I believe he did do everything with her and he's backpeddling now because I made him move out and tell the kids he was leaving. He now says he was "all mixed up" and thought he wanted out of the marriage when he was talking to her but now has of course had a change of heart because of our history and all kinds of other factors. I've told him I can try and work it out with him if I can get the truth but he isn't budging. Yet, he is back in the house and pretending things are back to normal. And yes I let him back in. I guess I figured I could get more info from him with him here than not but it's not working. Any insight?

  • #2
    Regardless of whether or not he's telling the truth, the two of you obviously need some kind of counseling to work out your differences. He apparently is looking elsewhere, while you have trust issues (not that I blame you).

    If I knew the secret receipe to get him into counciling, I'd share it, but it's something you're both going to have to talk about.
    You have no right to not be offended.-Neal Boortz

    Comment


    • #3
      I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hope the both of you are able to work things out!

      It seems to me that the truth is what you say it is period, end of story? Are you sure about that? Perhaps you should give him some space for the time being and let him deal with whatever he has to deal with, especially if this situation happened only recently. Perhaps you should start at the beginning by first discussing why he wanted out of the marriage in the first place. If you're willing to listen in a calm and thoughtful manner then maybe he will feel comfortable enough to go into detail about this other women. However, it may take some time. If you truly want the marriage to work it might be that your best strategy is

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      • #4
        If it all possible try to work it out. They say once a cheater always a cheater but I don't believe that. Something may have happened in the course of his job that he didn't tell you about or couldn't tell you about to cause him to lean on someone else.
        My advice......get a babysitter ( your parents or his ) to watch the kids for an entire WEEKEND. Both of you take off work. Go somewhere public.....a park....restaraunt and talk put it all out in the open. The reason for going somewhere public is it help keep tempers down. It may take you until 2 or 3 in the morning but get everything out in the open. Make sure you both want the same thing.....remain married..ect. If so try counciling. You may still need to live apart for awhile and just sort of date. The internet can be a great tool or a curse. Sometimes it's best to remove those tempations for your life. I realize a cell phone is a different story. ( though 5-10 years ago none of us had them).

        In whatever you decide to do, my thoughts and prayers are with you....and your kids. It's always hardest on the kids.

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        • #5
          LawEnfWB
          "It seems to me that the truth is what you say it is period, end of story? Are you sure about that?"
          [QUOTE]

          I'm not sure about anything, that is my point. It's a terrible way to live not trusting a person but it is not a good feeling to quit on somebody based on my assumptions. All in all it's a day by day process. I appreciate all the feedback!

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          • #6
            I never said that I knew what the truth is. I merely suggested that you may be wrong in thinking that your husband had a sexual affair. In fact, I made clear that you may be right. From your response, however, it's obvious that a mere suggestion that you may be wrong is an absurd proposition to you. So again, I ask the same question: Are you sure about that? Are you willing to even consider that you may be wrong?

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            • #7
              I don't know why any father would destroy his own childrens family unit for sex. I wish I had a normal family while growing up and it angers me that some gloss this crap over with all the BS excuses. Hell, most everyone has those temptations every once in a while (even ugly people like me ) he's not special. If he wants to come back, he should be kissing your butt, not the other way around.
              The liberal politician has the only job where they go to the office to work for everyone but those who pay their salary.

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              • #8
                It's a terrible way to live not trusting a person but it is not a good feeling to quit on somebody based on my assumptions.
                First off, I am deeply sorry for your situation. If I were to *try to* put myself in your situation though, without the emotions of attachment and love for him, I do not think it should matter if he did or did not sleep with the other woman. He told you that he would have if he could have, and that he did try. I really think that if it was me, that would be just as bad as actually sleeping with the *guy*. Also, the feedback that I've received from women about similar situations is they feel the same.

                Try counselling though. As previously stated, there may have been extreme circumstances that you are not aware of. Best of luck to you.
                "He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still"

                -Lao Tzu

                "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

                -Reinhold Niebuhr

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                • #9
                  I never said that I knew what the truth is. I merely suggested that you may be wrong in thinking that your husband had a sexual affair. In fact, I made clear that you may be right. From your response, however, it's obvious that a mere suggestion that you may be wrong is an absurd proposition to you. So again, I ask the same question: Are you sure about that? Are you willing to even consider that you may be wrong?[QUOTE]

                  I hope I am wrong.
                  "I'm not sure about anything" was me saying I'm considering every possibility including the one that I may be wrong and I'd sure feel like a witch for it if I am. Thank you again for opening my eyes to other possibilities.

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                  • #10
                    I guess he may not have had a sexual affair. He may be that one guy who is just intrested in a womans brain. I couldn't pull that stunt with my wife, she would kick me out and I would have to take the blame and the shame. You seem to be a good wife, concerned about your family. There are so few good ones around, I just hate to see a good one get run over like that. I know what people do when they want out because of someone else, they drive the noncheating spouse crazy, playing emotional games, so when the marriage does end, they can justify ( to themselves or others) leaving a marriage, rather than just leaving. I've seen it done many times to very good people.
                    Last edited by tony.o; 08-23-2005, 12:41 AM.
                    The liberal politician has the only job where they go to the office to work for everyone but those who pay their salary.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Gottso
                      First off, sorry for your situation.

                      From your post.
                      . So he calls her 5-15 x a day for *at least* (that you know of) 3 months. (how many times is he calling you or spending time talking to you per day?)
                      . He won't tell you the truth about her
                      . He did mention he could have done 'something' if he wanted
                      . He mentioned she wouldn't do anything b/c he was married.
                      . He gets kicked out, all of a *sudden* has a change of heart.
                      . Lays the guilt trip of 'having a history' in your lap to get back into the house.
                      . STILL won't tell you the truth of what happened.

                      ok. my take.

                      Your husband is a manipulative cheater. The sole fact he was even talking to another woman behind your back for X months(3 you know of) says something of his character.

                      Tack onto that he wont mention the 'truth' about what happened. What exactly does he say other than his contradictory statements that 'he could have if he wanted 'but then 'she wouldnt b/c of the marriage' (/boggle). What do you mean what happened? Or do you want to know what as been happen[/b]ing[/b].

                      He is most likely mentioning to you that she wouldn't do anything b/c of the marriage b/c he doesn't want you having ill feelings, or doing anything in retaliation towards her. He wants to paint her in a good light, if possible. Maybe she doesn't know about the marriage? the kids? If I were you, I'd give her a call and maybe enlighten her on how she is potentially killing your marriage. HOWEVER, realize, it is not her fault. If you do chase her off, there will only be another one around the corner.

                      Someone mentioned to take a weekend and lay it all out on the table....I'd suggest that you take an entire weekend and lay it out in counselling. Otherwise you may continue to be manipulated by this guy.

                      Also you said that you think he went 'all the way' and is backpedallng now. Would it make things better if he told you the truth? Has he actually denied any physical contact with this woman?

                      Would he expect you to just forget what you did if you cheated on him? Ask him, I'm sure you already know the answer. So why should you just 'play' like everything is normal and move on.

                      If he won't talk, maybe she will.
                      Wow that was nicely put (can't believe I can say that right now) You are right. Phone calls, in comparing just 1 bill alone he calls her 3 times as much as me or kids and comparing minutes it's like 10 times as much. I have felt that he is trying to protect her somehow. I did call her and she answered, but when I said her name twice she hung up. I told him that she obviously had something to hide or she would have talked to me. He later told me he called her (yet again) and asked why she hung up and she said we got disconnected and she didn't even know it was me until he told her. I know that's all a load of crap. And I told him well, when she found out it was me she was going to hang up right!? He said probably because he had already called her a couple days prior and warned her that I had her # and he thought knowing me I might call. Isn't that protecting her? I mean how awful for her and him to have to face me and explain why the heck her # is all over my phone bills!!

                      The reason I said he is manipulative is his 'change of heart' when you boot his ***. Did he mention the kids in his recalling of your history? Hoping to lay some guilt into you, the person that did not do anything wrong? My guess is yes.
                      Yes, he did mention the kids and also went on and on about how there is nothing I wasn't doing or was doing to have caused this. And how it wasn't fair to me and I didn't deserve to be "screwed over" like this.

                      I don't know if it would make it better if he told me the truth. I mean the truth hurts right? Maybe it would be what I need to hear in order to leave without looking back. At least that is one of the thoughts I have floating around in my head. Although another is that he knows once he tells the truth all bets are off and so knowing how I feel (that there's more to know) he must be lying.

                      What exactly does he say other than his contradictory statements that 'he could have if he wanted 'but then 'she wouldnt b/c of the marriage' (/boggle). What do you mean what happened? Or do you want to know what as been happen[/b]ing[/b].
                      He said he "would have if he could have." That she wouldn't let him. That's what I don't believe. Why would she hang up on me then?

                      I'm going to set up the counseling and if he won't go I'll go for me. Unfortunately our kids are old enough to understand most of this and have knoweldge of it too so I'm looking into counseling for them as well. It's terribly sickening.

                      Can I ask you Gottso, are you male or female?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Gottso-I too am more worried about the kids than even myself but am also smart enough to know without me dealing with me 1st they are at an even greater loss. I'm trying mostly to keep them busy and also answer their questions when they ask.

                        I did ask what they talk about and he said "nothing important, just this and that" I told him that is BS and he just keeps repeating the same crap. If I persist he goes into the whole I'm so sorry and when can we move on stuff. I keep telling him, "when you tell the truth."

                        Anyhow, I appreciate your thoughts and everybody's.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Kick him to the curb and leave him there.
                          (Just don't do anything to jepordize his job. Thats your child support money.)

                          To answer you questions to me BEFORE you even ask:
                          Yes, Im married. (to a cop)
                          Yes, I have kids 3.
                          Yes, this is my 2nd marriage.
                          First was to a cheating/lieing Marine, who also had "anger issues"
                          Yes, I tried counsiling, and he was ordered to go to anger mgt. meetings. Sad to say, none proved helpful.
                          Yes, the lieing and cheating continued.
                          So, I left him. And took my 2yo son with me.

                          One more IMPORTANT thing to remember!
                          NEVER talk bad about him to the kids, or infront of. And never let you anger show about him. Let the kids have a relationship with him, and let them development THEIR own opinions. Even when you think they aren't listening when you talk on the phone to your family/friends/counsilor... They "feel" the hositilty or sadness within you.
                          If your husband chooses to say things to the kids about you, or your marriage.. that just shows who has the better character. But we already know that don't we??

                          Jerzmom.

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                          • #14
                            My only comment here is make sure you are tryint to talk to him and not at him. This is coming from personal exp. I'm dealing with right now. My exp. does not involve another female/male though so I can't speak on that.

                            DO NOT let some guy cheat and get a free pass is all I'll will say


                            Communication is a key and a marriage breaker...trust me because mine is on it's last leg right now....Hopefully counseling will help us


                            GL to you
                            Just shut your damn hole




                            Dead Souls-----They keep calling me

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Chiller
                              Communication is a key and a marriage breaker...trust me because mine is on it's last leg right now....Hopefully counseling will help us
                              Mine ran out of legs a while ago. After two go-arounds at it, I've come to the conclusion that some people just aren't supposed to be married.....

                              Chiller is right, communication (honest and open, no matter how hard it is and how much it hurts) is the only way to go. That's easy to say if both people are willing to talk - but if your husband is not in that place, then say your piece to him anyway (so at least you know you did everything you could), and go to counseling by yourself. Ideally he will go with you, but if that won't happen, go alone - when you're caught up in a highly emotional situation it is sometimes difficult to think clearly and see things clearly. A counselor can help you to do that, even if HE'S not interested in the help.

                              Good luck to you. Also to you Chiller.

                              Comment

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