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  • Addicted Girlfriend

    Ok normally I don't like to post personal stuff on here, but I am looking for advice....

    To make a long story well longer..... My girlfriend has had a hard life and well focuses on drinking. She is a alcoholic and recently (last night) I learned that she smokes pot often and that this past Monday night she tried cocaine. She realizes she has a problem, but isn't doing anything about it instead it seems she is going down hill. She tells me that she doesn't want to tear me down and is doing things intentionally to push me away.

    Now she says that are destructive together and feels that we shouldn't talk. I know as a LEO I should run like the wind, but in reality I love and care for her and want to help her. But how can I help someone who knows they have a problem, but doesn't want to do anything about it.

    We have a mutal friend that doesn't help with the problem instead he exposed her to the cocaine and drinks often with her.

    I realize deep down, that she has to hit rock bottom before she will do anything to help herself, but I don't want her to lose her job or worse her life with this mess. She runs a health care office and can't afford any felonies otherwise she is screwed.

    I thought about looking into info about alcohol and drug counselors, but as of today I don't think we will be talking for awhile.

    I seen it so many times in the jail with inmates counting down the days until they can get high again and I am scared that in the long run this is where she is going to end up.

    THE OTHER PLACE...A Forum to get away to

    Patience with ignorance

    Everyone is gay until proven striaght.

    I am the one you want and what you want is so unreal--M.M.

    When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed--M.M.

    Art may imitate life, but life imitates TV--Ani Difranco

  • #2
    Photo, sorry about your situation. I can't give you any advise that you don't already know from your time on the job. All I can say is start listening to yourself and do what you know is right though it will be hard. I'll be praying for you and your lady.
    "Respect for religion must be reestablished. Public debt should be reduced. The arrogance of public officials must be curtailed. Assistance to foreign lands must be stopped or we shall bankrupt ourselves. The people should be forced to work and not depend on government for subsistence." - Cicero, 60 B.C.

    For California police academy notes go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CABasicPolice/

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    • #3
      As much as you want to help her, you hit it right on the head when you said that she needs to hit rock bottom before she'll do anything to help herself. Intellectually you know that you can't do it for her, and you can't help her if she doesn't want help. Just try to continue being her friend when she does get to that point - she'll need you.
      All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion and desire.

      Comment


      • #4
        Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run Run

        I am sorry you are going through this.

        As a mental health professional, I have to tell you, there is NOTHING you can do for her.

        She needs to decide to make that change, and like others have mentioned, typically she will need to hit her version of rock bottom.

        It totally sucks, but she has to make this choice. You have probably seen before where the courts will order someone into treatment, and it is a joke. They are forced into it, they don't want it, and it doesn't stick. Another factor is that even if she changes, the environment needs to change also, otherwise she is returning to a bad spot where that mutual friend will hook her up some more.

        Speaking of which, as a LEO, you are putting yourself in danger professionally by having a mutual pal who has coke access, right?

        Do yourself a favor, get her out of your life, it will only get worse, and sadly you are barely seeing the tip of the iceberg. Do a Google search for AA and NA groups, and family of addicts, you will see the same thing I am saying is true. Addicts suck the life out of everyone, and then some family/friends enable the behavior by rescuing them.

        Best of luck brother, and I am sorry you are going through this, but I beg of you to protect yourself and cut all ties.

        Comment


        • #5
          I contacted some substance abuse places and of course as I know can't help unless they want help the places stated. The hard part is getting her to call the place. I don't think we are even going to be talking again for awhile
          THE OTHER PLACE...A Forum to get away to

          Patience with ignorance

          Everyone is gay until proven striaght.

          I am the one you want and what you want is so unreal--M.M.

          When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed--M.M.

          Art may imitate life, but life imitates TV--Ani Difranco

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Max Fischer
            Speaking of which, as a LEO, you are putting yourself in danger professionally by having a mutual pal who has coke access, right?

            Like I said I just learned about this last night, in between time I was left stranded at a bar and she was supposed to come pick me up, but that didn't happen.
            THE OTHER PLACE...A Forum to get away to

            Patience with ignorance

            Everyone is gay until proven striaght.

            I am the one you want and what you want is so unreal--M.M.

            When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed--M.M.

            Art may imitate life, but life imitates TV--Ani Difranco

            Comment


            • #7
              photo sorry you are going through this the worst part is watching some one you love hurt them sevles and have nothing you can do about it. Like everyone else if she dont want help you cant help her. If or when she hits rock bottom and you still feel the same maybe you can be there to help her and bring her back to what she use to be. Good luck to you and sorry to hear this
              "OBSTACLES ARE THOSE FRIGHTFUL THING YOU SEE WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF YOUR GOAL" HENRY FORD

              Comment


              • #8
                You've gotten a lot of good advice already. I'd just like to stress something that's already been mentioned. You might want to look up some local NA meetings. There are a lot of different types of groups, so I recommend trying several meetings at different places 'til you find a group with which you 'click'. Be strong, and good luck!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by countrydoc
                  You've gotten a lot of good advice already. I'd just like to stress something that's already been mentioned. You might want to look up some local NA meetings. There are a lot of different types of groups, so I recommend trying several meetings at different places 'til you find a group with which you 'click'. Be strong, and good luck!

                  yea but actually getting her to go is a whole other story......
                  THE OTHER PLACE...A Forum to get away to

                  Patience with ignorance

                  Everyone is gay until proven striaght.

                  I am the one you want and what you want is so unreal--M.M.

                  When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed--M.M.

                  Art may imitate life, but life imitates TV--Ani Difranco

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    You know from experience that you can only do so much for her. The bottom line is she has to want it and be willing to do what it takes to clean up her act. I know it's hard but lead with your head on this one not your heart.

                    It sounds like you have done everything possible to help her. If she is unwilling to accept that help then you must move on or she will tear you down personally and professionally.
                    Disclaimer: The writer does not represent any organization, employer, entity or other individual. The first amendment protected views/commentary/opinions/satire expressed are those only of the writer. In the case of a sarcastic, facetious, nonsensical, stirring-the-pot, controversial or devil's advocate-type post, the views expressed may not even reflect those of the writer.

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                    • #11
                      Sorry to hear this girl...

                      As already mentioned, you know the drill...and know full well there is nothing that you can do for her if she doesn't want help first.

                      ...the only thing left for you to do is pray for her.
                      An impressionable child in a tumultuous world, and they say I'm at a difficult stage... --Meat Loaf

                      Professional Stupidity Recognition Technician

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Well, everyone gave great advice already.

                        The only thing that i can add is, i lived with a drug addict i loved for many years. Its one of the more horrible existances i can imagine.

                        Love is not worth that type of suffering. The more in love you get, the harder it will be to GET OUT. A drug addict has to help themselves. Even our love cant help. I have heard drug addicts say that the love of their spouse/SO meant alot, but it really cant make the change, the addict has to.

                        You are doing right by trying to help here at the beginning, but once you see the person wont take the help or try to help themselves, then you'll KNOW what you have to do.

                        Good luck, i know how hard it is.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Your mutual friend probably exposed more than just cocaine to her.
                          Get rid of her. Do not be surprised if her actions, either directly or indirectly, will eventually jeopardize your career. There are plenty of more appreciative fish in the sea.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I think all have stated about the same... there is nothing YOU can do!

                            I don't know whether it helps but I posted something about adiction on an anti-smoking thread. You have to understand the mechanism of adiction then you will see that there is no cure you can provide.

                            You cannot change another person
                            the only person you can change is yourself.

                            addicted persons are highly manipulative
                            beware not to be a co-addict in finding excuses and supporting her by not doing what you should have done a long time (e.g.I am thinking of your mutual friend here. Not a friend, enemy!)

                            do you know the person you love?
                            what of her personality do you love, do you know her really? Is there a gain for you trying to protect her?

                            I've been through the struggle at home and with close friends and relatives for many years and sadly to say, most battles were being lost, but there is always hope.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              First off, I want to thank everyone for their advice. Its hard for me to actually deal with a substance abuser when I care and love them.

                              I know I have been manipulated by her along with our mutal friends. She has made me look like a bad guy on many occasions. I even discovered lies she has said about me.

                              I know I can't change her, but I wish I could stop her downfall from happening. Because its not a matter of if she gets a DUI, its when. I tried to explain to her what if she was driving down the street and I am on a traffic stop and you come along and hit me. How would you feel? I also told her I would help her with anything.

                              With her personality, she is caring, sweet and fun to be with. As for a gain to protect her, I am just trying to save her from herself. I would feel so guilty, if I couldn't do anything to help her. Maybe that is the cop in me trying to help, but this one hits more to home.

                              Sadly, I know it will consume me, but I am trying to think of ways to break this cycle. Maybe thats my problem I have hope and I beleive in her. Like I said, she says that she knows she has a problem, but getting her to actually do anything about it is a whole other story.

                              I decided that I want to bring this up with our other friends because I feel they may be able to talk sense into her. Right now to her, I am the enemy and we won't be talking for awhile. So that tears me up more.

                              She told me last night that she doesn't want to tear me down, but this is exactly what she is doing everyday that I see her falling down this spiral.

                              Maybe I just need to write my thoughts down and try to read it to her....I know I am talking out my ***, but some reason I have convinced myself I can help.
                              I should know better. The more crap she does to me the more determined I am to help her. I should of thrown in the towel, but with this woman I can not and I do not know why.

                              I know my career is at risk because this has become a emotional roller coaster.
                              People tell me she is going to bring me down with her.

                              But if I can save her from herself wouldn't it be worth it? To save the life of someone you care greatly about?

                              She says she wants to help people, but she can't even take the steps to help herself.

                              I know that I am rambling, but this is the third or fourth time I tried to type this without it resetting. I am also running on 2 hours of sleep and no food. I am to sad to nap.
                              THE OTHER PLACE...A Forum to get away to

                              Patience with ignorance

                              Everyone is gay until proven striaght.

                              I am the one you want and what you want is so unreal--M.M.

                              When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed--M.M.

                              Art may imitate life, but life imitates TV--Ani Difranco

                              Comment

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