For LEOs with kids who turned out to be turds... what went wrong?

[Badgerland]

Long story short. A few months back, I went to a burglary complaint. The complainant was a retired officer from a neighboring agency. Turns out the suspect is her adult son. He stole some blank checks from his mom's retirement account. Mom tells me son is a drug addict and has been in and out of jail all of his life.

I was curious, so I asked her, "What went wrong?" She mentioned problems during delivery which may have affected her son mentally. She also tells me that she and her husband had marital problems. She also mentioned the hours that she had to work as a detective kept her away from home.

I have 2 kids. My daughter is 5, and my son is 2. I addition to being a cop, I am a religious person. I try to teach my kids to do the right thing, like telling the clerk at McDonald's if she undercharged me. I don't drink or smoke. In a perfect world, I would love it if neither my kids ever drank or smoke. However, I know that will never happen. I don't want to preach or push my kids so hard that they will rebel and do the opposite I tell them. I don't want my kids to be LEOs, because I know how much this job can suck. If they want to be cops, great. I'll support them, but I will not push them towards this profession.

So, if anyone wishes to share... If you are a cop and your kids turned out to be lawbreakers when they became adults, why? I know there is no easy answer to this question.

[BlackKnight]

I have 2 kids also (girls, 5 &10) and I worry about the same things.
So I try to teach them right and be there for them. There are times where work gives me little time to spend with them, but when the schedule allows it I spend every free time with them.
While my coworkes on many occassions get together for a drink after work I go straight home and spend it with my family.
I just try and do my best and pray that they turn out all right.

[72na55]

Kids

With 24 years on the job, I am VERY fortunate. My son is 22 and my daughter is 19. I have never had one single serious problem out of either of them. My method was pretty simple:

1) Fighting/fussing with family is a no no (Daddy sees that enough at work)
2) Always tell me the truth even if you know I will be disappointed in what I hear. My analogy was always "even if you kill someone, I will still love you....even if I hate what you have done". The punishment was very severe if they lied about even a little thing.
3) Remember that your behavior has a direct bearing on me. I am a cop. My dad was a minister. Believe me kids learn to respect that if brought across to them the right way.
4) Don't ever expect me to bail you out if you break the law. I put my son in jail (while I was at work) at 8 years old for shooting a squirrel in our yard (inside city limits). From then on he knew I was serious.
5) Never think for a second that anything going on in my life is more important than what is going on in yours. Talk to me as you would your best friend....cuz I am your best friend.

My kids and I are very close and they are close to each other. Even after their mother and I divorced after 22 years, we continue to be super close. I believe that some problem kids just have it in their nature to do wrong. I give my kids all the credit and thank God I am fortunate enough to be their Dad ....and their friend.

[CarCop]

72na55,
Thats good advice, thanks. I have three little ones 4,2,and 2 mo. I hope that I can teach them as well as my father taught me (with less but whippins). Like Blackknight has said , I try to spend as much time with them as possible. I like to hang out with the guys on occasion so when we do "get togethers" it's almost always with other officers who have families and share similar "home training habbits". When I get off work, it's all about the kids and family. I love my job, but I love my family more.

[72na55]

Priorities

Its all about priorities:

God, FAMILY....then JOB.

That is easy to say but when you are pulled career wise away from your family you have to take a stand. I have never regreted missing that hot entry assignment, investigation or whatever cuz my kid had a game or something. I put them first when possible and they put me first (except for the girl at 14-16 during the phone stage)

Remember this advice from somebody who has been there:

The best way for a way to love his kids is to love their mother....and that is very true.

[Delta784]

Cop's kids seem to be either really good, or really bad, with not much middle ground. The really bad ones, in my experience, had a father that was never around because he was an OT whore, a drunk, a philanderer, etc.

I see way too many guys that have the mansion on the water, brand-new SUV's, the vacation home in Maine, the boat, etc., which they can only afford because they spend almost every waking moment working either OT or details. Their kids usually turn out to be ****heads, because they never saw their father.

I'd much rather live in my modest home, drive my 10 year-old Jeep, and spend as much time as I can with my children.

[Welpe]

This is actually a pretty encouraging thread. Speaking as a younger guy trying to break into the business while also in a long term, committed relationship, it has been educational.

I think your priorities are dead on there, 72. Even though I want to do this job, I've already decided that I will be a husband and a father to my future wife and children first. Obviously the job will make things hard at times, but I will strive to do my best. Family is that important.

Great thread!

Monty

[Centurion44]

I don't have kids, but I've gotten plenty of calls (as I'm sure you all have) where a parent wants me to do in 10 minutes what they couldn't do in 15 years.

I do have a baby sister and young cousins, neices, nephews, etc. My advice to them is always pretty simple: You can do whatever you want, just be ready to accept the consequences.

[The Colonel(44)]

I have two children the Male David will be 21 in 2weeks,We as parents told him,Iam not against him drinking,but if you ever get caught by the law DWI,orDUI,you will be using Mass Transit to get around,I will take your vehicle away from you,cause its we own it.The Girl Melanie is 18,I remember how it is in college,You by law are still underage,but liquor flows freely at Frat,and Sorrity parties,never allow anyone to give you a mixed drink,and if you get a beer make sure you are the one who twist,the top off yourself and sip it limit yourself to one.The same law applies to you about drinking and driving it better not ever happen,or you will be riding mass transit,also use your brains never get in a vehicle with a drunk driver,it may be your last ride ever.Also if your querious about mixed drinks,I will go and buy the ingredients and mix you one up at the house,so you will understand how it effects your abilities to protect yourself.

[gotyrbk]

Sometimes I think we blame the parents for too much. I can honostly say as an ex juvenile deliquent that my mother was not responsible in anyway for the choices I made. She never drank, smoked, cussed or what ever, she was always there to make sure we did what we were supposed to and fought me all the way on my illegal activities. What I did I did because I chose to.

The one thing I have to give her credit for was that she was not a my child didn't do it parent. If you did it you paid the price, she didn't bail you out or make excuses for you, you were totally and completely responsible for your actions. If she had not faught me I would not be setting on this side of the law today but I always knew my choices were my own. She even asked once what she did wrong, she didn't do anything wrong it was simply a path I chose to take, I had to chose to change it. Maybe that was the greatest lesson and is the greatest lesson a parent can give a child. I don't care if your abused, spoiled, an only child, or from a large family nobody determines your choices but you and ultimately nobody can effect your life in anyway you don't wish them too.

You can make excuses, blame your parents, society, god, the devil or the neighbors dog if you want it all comes back to one thing, You.

[Delta784]

Sometimes I think we blame the parents for too much. I can honostly say as an ex juvenile deliquent that my mother was not responsible in anyway for the choices I made. She never drank, smoked, cussed or what ever, she was always there to make sure we did what we were supposed to and fought me all the way on my illegal activities. What I did I did because I chose to.

Your father wasn't around, right?

[COBRA29]

Kinda funny that I came across this.

My brothers son was just arrested for shoplifting. My brother is cop, I'm a cop, our uncle is cop. And numerous other relatives in the security or law enforcement business. This wasn't the first thing his son did but at 17 years old it better be his last before the big one eight comes and he gets in serious trouble.

[soontoberookie1]

I like this topic i soon to become a police officer and have twin boys 2 and half and another boy due any second and a loving wife and have always wondered how my kids when they get older will handle my job esp. at school with the kids now days i worry about that the most but u guys have given some helpful tips not just for leo's kids but parents in general

[fahrenheit]

Its all about priorities:

God, FAMILY....then JOB.

I'm lucky enough to work for an agency that understands that. On my first day on the job, my new boss told me never to forget to take care of my family because without them, the job is impossible. He said no matter what happens at work, he understood that family always comes first. Talk about a great first impression.

[D.O.C]

This is a worry of mine...with a young son and all.

At just turning 27 I'm not that far removed from my childhood,more importantly I know what happened to me and my friends, I did not know all that many cops kids,but the three ones I did grew up all to be ******bags,Thats right 100% ******bags with charges I don't even care to mention.

So this would seem to be consisent with what others have said, this is no coincidence ---cops kids seem to turn out all f'up.

So knowing that it makes it hard for me to valadate my idea to be a P.O.