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  • Are you dating/married to a cop?

    I've been reading some books recently about being married to LEO and how it is (shift changes, demands of OT from coworkers, stress/trauma brought on by police work)so hard and different.
    I'm dating a cop now and it is different than dating a 9-5'er. I think a great number of the "beefs" I have had with him are due to his job and I'm interested to find out if other women out there have had similar experiences when dating/married to a cop. Does your SO need a great deal of time to themselves, do they bite off more than they can chew in their professional/personal lives? Does it take them longer to sort through their feelings about things (personal) due to all the other demands put upon them? There are other things I have questions about, but let's start here.
    Thanks

  • #2
    I have both dated and been friends with several officers, and it is a lot different than dating a civi. In all honesty, most officers I know have a hard time making and keeping committments, of all types. Some are worse liars than the criminals they arrest. However, if you find a good guy, they can be the best. There are a lot of challenges, but if you put the effort into it, it can work. The hours, and risk that each day they may not come home is hard to take, and puts a real strain on the relationship, but it can be overcome.

    Just stick with it, if you love him, and talk to him about how you feel. Reassure him that he can talk to you if times get bad and he needs to vent. Be there for him.

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    • #3
      I started dating this guy (who I dated when I was in my early 20s like 10+ years ago) recently. When I knew him he was this kind of geeky, sweet guy. He always wanted to become a cop. I stopped dating him right around the time he became a cop. I didn't keep in contact with him during those 10+ years and I see some of who he was then, now. But he's harder and seems more introspective and less happy go lucky. It just seems he spends a lot of time alone and is kind of closed off from the world. He's still sweet, but I wouldn't say happy go lucky. I think he thinks life is really painful (and it is, don't get me wrong) but I try my hardest to be an eternal optimist and keep a positive outlook. I am beginning to realize that the changes I am seeing might have been caused caused by the past decade on the force. He is a cop in a department that's in a violet city on the West Coast. I can only imagine what he sees. I jsut feel like I could bring some levity, joy a loyal friendship to his life and I hope he'll accept it... and soften up a bit (as I type that last part, I realize that softening, might not be good for his job/safety). It's pretty complex.....
      Last edited by civilian101; 11-09-2004, 04:14 PM.

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      • #4
        it is most likely his job and the things he's seen in the last 10 yrs that have changed him. There are a lot of officers who go into the job thinking nothing much will change except their bank accounts, but it does. Everything they see affects them. We have psychologists on staff to help our officers, but I don't think a lot of them use the 'shrinks' b/c they feel the shrink won't understand. A lot of the time, they seem to feel guilt if they lay their problems on others. Make sure he knows it's ok.

        I'm a tech (911 Dispatcher), and my ex-fiance is a gang violence officer at the community college downtown. He resents the fact that I work for the big city, and he never would be able to b/c he does have a few questionable things on his record. However, although the college doesn't see a lot of violence, he has changed slightly since working there. However, he is still the *** he was when I broke it off. If your friend ever turns into an ***, let him know. If he's really a sweetie though, I don't think you'll have that problem.

        One thing to warn of, don't get to upset if he sometimes does lash out verbally at you. Sometimes when things become more than they can take, they lash out at those they feel closest to.

        Just reassure him. As time goes on he will be more cynical of the world and those around him. He will be less outgoing, and less "Happy go lucky", but this is only a result of the cruel reality those in law enforcement face. I'm only 3 months into my job, and have known several officers for several years, but sometimes I sit and think "I wish I could go back to my blissful state of Ignorance I was in. I wish I still had the blinders on and didn't see the 'REAL WORLD'".

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        • #5
          Would you mind if I IM'd you? I'd prefer to not put all my personal stuff on here. What do you think?

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          • #6
            That's fine, if I'm online, or you can email me, and I'll get back to you. LissaAngel1026@aol

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            • #7
              Steph- I would be interested in knowing specifics...He said he probably wouldn't date another cop- too close to home apparently. It's all very interesting.
              Thanks in advance

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              • #8
                Not long after I got on the job, I dated a female cop from another agency. I figured that she'd understand me better, being on the job and all.

                BOY, was that a huge mistake!! Because she was around cops all the time, she saw the shenanigans that went on, and became convinced that I was cheating on her (I wasn't). When I told her I didn't want to see her anymore, she was reaching for her gun and raining down profanities on me, as I ran out of her apartment.

                When my wife & I were dating, I got her into the Citizen's Police Academy, which gave her at least a base understanding of the job. I think it really helped a lot.
                Talk sense to a fool, and he will call you foolish - Euripides

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                • #9
                  I have seen a big attraction between law enforcement and EMS, fire or ER personnell. They hook up a lot but I don't see many of them last. I think their personalities draw them together but end up tearing them apart. There's too much stress in each field to make home life work.

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                  • #10
                    I'm married to an officer and am trying to become one myself.

                    I see a lot of cop/teacher and cop/nurse couples really making it work!
                    "The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
                    - Ronald Reagan

                    "Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
                    - Ronald Reagan

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                    • #11
                      What is it about cop/nurse cop/teacher couples that make it work? Is it that they're both in a service industry, or is it a coincidence?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Well okay I am married to a cop, I was a cop, now a dispatcher.
                        I have found in my years of being around and dating cops that the job does something to them (not all cops but at least the ones I know). They become cynical, hard, untrusting and generally disgusted with mankind. They deal with a load of crap everyday, day in and day out. Not only from the people on the street but from other officers and bosses. My husband basically has no feelings that he cares to show anymore. When someone we knew killed herself he didn't care and basically said oh well shes going to hell anyway (I feel for her kids not her) Now I don't know if it is him and he is just emotionally stunted but the other officer I was really close with needs anti depressants to get out of bed.
                        Stay strong, love him no matter what. If he wants to talk he will. Yes they like to be alone or with other officers (we have no civi friends or really any cop friends)
                        If you can take a course or academy or go on ride alongs and see what he deals with. Cops see people at their absolute worst and see the worst people at their absolute best
                        Good Luck

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by civilian101
                          What is it about cop/nurse cop/teacher couples that make it work? Is it that they're both in a service industry, or is it a coincidence?
                          Honestly I'm not too sure. But I see those couples working the best. It may be that they're both in a "helping/rescuer" position...or it could be (especially with nurses) the hours/shifts...who knows. My best guess...it's just a coincidence.
                          "The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
                          - Ronald Reagan

                          "Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
                          - Ronald Reagan

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by kttref
                            I'm married to an officer and am trying to become one myself.

                            I see a lot of cop/teacher and cop/nurse couples really making it work!
                            Me and the girl I'm dating are in college now. I'm in school to be a cop and shes in school for nursing.

                            My friend who is a memeber of the Capitol police is engaged to a teacher who he met back in college.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by civilian101
                              I started dating this guy (who I dated when I was in my early 20s like 10+ years ago) recently. When I knew him he was this kind of geeky, sweet guy. He always wanted to become a cop. I stopped dating him right around the time he became a cop. I didn't keep in contact with him during those 10+ years and I see some of who he was then, now. But he's harder and seems more introspective and less happy go lucky. It just seems he spends a lot of time alone and is kind of closed off from the world. He's still sweet, but I wouldn't say happy go lucky. I think he thinks life is really painful (and it is, don't get me wrong) but I try my hardest to be an eternal optimist and keep a positive outlook. I am beginning to realize that the changes I am seeing might have been caused caused by the past decade on the force. He is a cop in a department that's in a violet city on the West Coast. I can only imagine what he sees. I jsut feel like I could bring some levity, joy a loyal friendship to his life and I hope he'll accept it... and soften up a bit (as I type that last part, I realize that softening, might not be good for his job/safety). It's pretty complex.....
                              Yes, it is complex. But if you really do care for your friend, then show him heartfelt care, patience & love. These things are so rare in many of our lives, he will have no choice but to respond & will come around eventually.
                              It has been working for me, after 10+ yrs in the job and many broken relationships I have recently found a girl who understands at least a little of what I am.
                              Good wishes & peace to you & your friend.
                              Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing... Like that movie -- Police Academy.

                              Comment

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