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First year as a cop

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  • First year as a cop

    Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is the right spot to post this or not. I am looking for some perspective from LEO's who were in relationships for the beginning of their career as a police officer.
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. He has now been a police officer for almost a year and a half and is almost off probation. For pretty much our entire relationship, we have been long distance. We have been incredibly serious from the very beginning.
    However, things have recently changed. He works mandatory overtime everytime he goes in to work and rarely gets all his days off that he is supposed to get. There is not a lot of trust within his department either but that is a whole different story. He told me in the beginning of October that he wants to take a break because he cant handle the stress of the job and also maintain a relationship, that its taking all of his time and energy just to get through this probationary period. He recently changed his mind and decided instead of being exclusive on this break, we should see other people. He still tells me he wants to be with me but we havent spoken on the phone in over a month now and we barely text anymore.
    How can I be there for him during this time? Should I really just back off and give him the time he needs to focus on his career? Should I try harder to get him to open up to me? I don't know if this time is this hard for every person or we just have a ridiculous circumstance. I don't want to give up on our relationship but I don't know how to be there for him if he doesn't want me to be.
    Last edited by BadWolf; 11-13-2014, 09:46 PM.

  • #2
    " but I don't know how to be there for him if he doesn't want me to be. "

    Sadly i think you already posted the answer .

    Long terms are hard,as is the job.
    Alot of department do mandatory over time from time to time because of hiring freezes and short staffed.To me hes using the job as a reason to move on and let you down easier.After a year and a half its basically habit now,the probation period is more a formality.

    Not knowing either of you,but from what you wrote here,him not wanting a exclusive relationship.sounds more to me like hes met someone close that isnt long distance. All those days off hes working may not be at work.

    Again you asked and not knowing either of you.Who knows really other than the 2 of you really

    Comment


    • #3
      I recently asked him straightforward if he didn't want the relationship anymore but just didn't know how to tell me and he told me absolutely not. I then asked him if he would tell me if it came to that and he told me he would but he is just trying to survive until he can transfer departments. I just feel like this is something we should be going through together, he shouldnt have just cut me out of his life.

      I really appreciate your response, thank you.

      Edit: I guess I should add that he is working in the second highest crime area in our state and his department is severely understaffed because nobody wants to work there. There are maybe 4 officers on at any given time to cover an area of like 100 miles. Also, we are only long distance for a maximum of about 3 months at a time. I come home for breaks and occasional weekends and we pretty much live together then (he lives with his parents still until I graduate.) I'm not sure if that changes anything about what I posted above.
      Last edited by BadWolf; 11-05-2014, 10:24 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by jdthor View Post

        Not knowing either of you,but from what you wrote here,him not wanting a exclusive relationship.sounds more to me like hes met someone close that isnt long distance. All those days off hes working may not be at work.

        Again you asked and not knowing either of you.Who knows really other than the 2 of you really
        And, while it's not necessarily something you want to hear, or maybe even SHOULD hear from an anonymous internet forum, but: it might not be a serious relationship he's found there either.

        We don't know you or him. But you said it was serious from the get go. What was he like beforehand? The job changes people. If he wasn't an assertive presence beforehand, that's more than likely a part of his persona now. And, like it or not, many women like that personality trait, let alone the badge. If he wasn't used to attention from women frequently before, it may be a new experience that he wants to explore. The grass can often seem greener on the other side...


        jdthor has given you a great answer. This is something you have to think about for yourself. Understaffing and overtime are extremely unlikely to change because of a department change. Holidays, birthdays and special events get missed.

        Just this rookie's $.02

        Comment


        • #5
          BadWolf...
          As an "old timer", my only advice would be for YOU to make a decision as to how long you want to wait for this guy. Pressuring him for "relationship status updates aren't the way to go. You both have a lot on your plates right now, and although it might seem hopeless at times, I truly believe if a relationship is meant to be, it will happen no matter what the circumstances. It's one thing to see this and admit it to yourself, and quite another to put it into practice. Sometimes, life just sucks!
          Ski

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by BadWolf View Post
            He told me in the beginning of October that he wants to take a break because he cant handle the stress of the job and also maintain a relationship, that its taking all of his time and energy just to get through this probationary period. He recently changed his mind and decided instead of being exclusive on this break, we should see other people. He still tells me he wants to be with me but we havent spoken on the phone in over a month now and we barely text anymore.

            Read this slowly and carefully 10 times...............

            Originally posted by BadWolf View Post
            I recently asked him straightforward if he didn't want the relationship anymore but just didn't know how to tell me and he told me absolutely not. I then asked him if he would tell me if it came to that and he told me he would but he is just trying to survive until he can transfer departments.
            .
            I have tried to figure out an easy way to say this..............but really can't.

            He is lying to you

            Originally posted by codemanski View Post
            BadWolf...
            As an "old timer", my only advice would be for YOU to make a decision as to how long you want to wait for this guy. Pressuring him for "relationship status updates aren't the way to go. You both have a lot on your plates right now, and although it might seem hopeless at times, I truly believe if a relationship is meant to be, it will happen no matter what the circumstances. It's one thing to see this and admit it to yourself, and quite another to put it into practice. Sometimes, life just sucks!
            Ski
            Read the above 10 times also...................
            Since some people need to be told by notes in crayon .......Don't PM me with without prior permission. If you can't discuss the situation in the open forum ----it must not be that important

            My new word for the day is FOCUS, when someone irritates you tell them to FOCUS

            Comment


            • #7
              Mandatory OT and loss of days off sounds like every dept I have worked at.

              Him bringing up seeing other people is possibly a clue that he has fund someone who is not long distance (or he is looking for same). It may also mean that what you have is not working and he is giving you permission to move on with your life. Many people find it easier to hold onto a bad relationship than to let it go.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by just joe View Post
                Many people find it easier to hold onto a bad relationship than to let it go.
                I was guilty of this once... it sucks...
                OP, take what you read here and utilize it. Coming from someone who's been there, it sounds like lie after lie. He either found someone else, or is actively seeking someone else.

                Sorry to put it bluntly.
                The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog. He looks a lot like the wolf. He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, cannot and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheepdog who intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed.

                I Am the Sheepdog.


                "And maybe just remind the few, if ill of us they speak,
                that we are all that stands between
                the monsters and the weak." - Michael Marks


                sigpic

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by jchughes05 View Post
                  I was guilty of this once... it sucks...
                  OP, take what you read here and utilize it. Coming from someone who's been there, it sounds like lie after lie. He either found someone else, or is actively seeking someone else.

                  Sorry to put it bluntly.
                  You and me both, brother.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thank you everyone so much for taking the time to answer me. I really appreciate all of your responses. I don't know anyone who is in law enforcement or dating someone who is a cop so I have no idea what is normal and what isnt. I know that missed birthdays, holidays, etc are very common because of overtime and all that and I was/am prepared for it but he just made it seem like his work schedule was so much worse than the normal crazy. He is the most honest person you will ever meet to the point that it gets him in trouble sometimes. He's always had a ton of girl friends along with guy friends so female attention really isnt that new to him. We haven't seen each other in almost 2 months and I won't be home again to see him for another three weeks. I have a lot to think about.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by BadWolf View Post
                      Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is the right spot to post this or not. I am looking for some perspective from LEO's who were in relationships for the beginning of their career as a police officer.

                      My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years in February. He has now been a police officer for almost a year and a half and is almost off probation. For pretty much our entire relationship, we have been long distance (I am away at college to become an RN). We have been incredibly serious from the very beginning and when I graduate in May we are supposed to move in together.

                      However, things have recently changed. To put it bluntly, his department sucks. He works mandatory overtime everytime he goes in to work and rarely gets all his days off that he is supposed to get. There is not a lot of trust within his department either but that is a whole different story. He told me in the beginning of October that he wants to take a break because he cant handle the stress of the job and also maintain a relationship, that its taking all of his time and energy just to get through this probationary period. He recently changed his mind and decided instead of being exclusive on this break, we should see other people. He still tells me he wants to be with me but we havent spoken on the phone in over a month now and we barely text anymore.

                      How can I be there for him during this time? Should I really just back off and give him the time he needs to focus on his career? Should I try harder to get him to open up to me? I don't know if this time is this hard for every person or we just have a ridiculous circumstance. I don't want to give up on our relationship but I don't know how to be there for him if he doesn't want me to be.
                      Sounds like he doesnt want to be with you anymore, and your not taking the obvious hint. And he has a new girl where he works.
                      "Its not what you know, its what you can prove."-Training Day

                      "Game on, bitches. Whoop whoop, flash the lights, pull it over."

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by BadWolf View Post
                        . He is the most honest person you will ever meet to the point that it gets him in trouble sometimes. t.
                        You are not reading between the lines.........................
                        Since some people need to be told by notes in crayon .......Don't PM me with without prior permission. If you can't discuss the situation in the open forum ----it must not be that important

                        My new word for the day is FOCUS, when someone irritates you tell them to FOCUS

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          BadWolf, it seems like you have received many responses which may or may not help you along with your decision.

                          I can say from experience that the job does change you as a person. Unfortunately that means it can change relationships that once seemed so strong and sacred. I can tell you as someone who has been there, it sounds like he is just stringing you along. I obviously don't know either of you and I can only read what you have typed on this board. Working in a high crime area, especially being new, can shell shock you. He is probably experiencing many new things, good and bad. Each person will cope differently.

                          Again I do not know him, but this job can turn the most caring people cold inside. I have seen it happen many of times. I sincerely hope that is not what is happening, but you will receive nothing but the harsh truth from this forum. At least now you have some insight from many people who have been in your shoes. Once you do finally talk, only you will be able to determine if he is telling you lies or not. What ever decision you make, I wish you the best of luck.
                          Last edited by Amigo1342; 11-06-2014, 11:02 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Don't worry, it's not the job it's you.

                            Odds are all that "OT and can't get days off" are being spent....well you can guess.

                            Might be wrong...but just read what you posted objectively and decide for yourself. Why cut it off with you when it might not work out with the new fling.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Really does sound more and more to me like hes already moved on .You havent seen him in 2 months,no calls and almost no texts.
                              Been months before where i would get 2 -3 days off total.I still had time for a phone call.

                              Ray Charles can see where this has went.If he hasnt met someone else id be really really shocked.
                              Last edited by jdthor; 11-06-2014, 08:59 PM.

                              Comment

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