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  • Doing the right thing, yet feeling sad, guilty, etc.

    OK, so for some who know a bit about me or have read my annoying work in the past, you know that two years ago I received my commission in the Army Reserve after having done seven years active duty enlisted time a while back. In January of this year, I excepted a one year mobilization to Fort Riley, KS. Although I have a wife and 5 1/2 year old back in NJ, it's not too bad because I fly home at least twice a month and they have been coming out here to see me every now and then. And of course we are going to Disney in August at my half way point.

    Now, one of the things I didn't expect about this assignment is that people would actually think that I am doing an outstanding job. So much so that my LTC has nominated me for a one year deployment to Afghanistan to begin when my tour ends in January. I plan on accepting but know how hard it's going to be on the family. Although I have done overseas deployments before, this was when I was single. Thus, I have no idea what type of toll this takes on a family.

    So, why do it? One, the desire to serve with my fellow soldiers downrange. Two, career enhancement. And three, money. As an 0-3E about to go over 10 years for pay purpose, I'll literally be debt free when I return. At that point many options will open up for me and my family( I might even be able to sell my home and move out of NJ, something I can't do right now for financial reasons).

    So, why do I feel so bad? I know soldiers who have small children and have done multiple deployments. I only plan on doing this one. Am I being selfish?


    "Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it". George Constanza.


  • #2
    Missing out on your family for a two year stretch is going to be hard on THEM.


    But you know in years gone by, military officers have been deployed for MANY years at a stretch -----THINK WW II, Korea etc. The families survived.

    Today with the internet, it hardly seems like the person is gone....................I am friends with a guy who is doing a year in the sand box..........(this is his 3rd call up since 9-11).............I "talk" to him almost every day on FB..........................heck he is telling me things that are going on at my former work site (he is still employed , I am retired) that I don't know about . A couple months ago I ran into him in the Walmart ...............he was back on his leave..........THAT stuff didn't happen in my era (VietNam..........you were gone the entire year & if lucky got to write home )

    The point is --------------your family will suffer, but will survive. The enhancements to your career/financial situation (both military and civilian) will probably outweigh the downsides.


    Good luck
    Since some people need to be told by notes in crayon .......Don't PM me with without prior permission. If you can't discuss the situation in the open forum ----it must not be that important

    My new word for the day is FOCUS, when someone irritates you tell them to FOCUS

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Ex Army MP View Post
      So, why do I feel so bad? I know soldiers who have small children and have done multiple deployments. I only plan on doing this one. Am I being selfish?
      Yes and no.

      No you are not being selfish in that you have plans for the funds and can see a positive outcome for your family based upon your choices.

      Yes you are being selfish possibly in her eyes because you are doing what you want to do by making the deployment. At the emotional expense to the family unit, and placing your commitment to the military before the marriage.

      Originally posted by Ex Army MP View Post
      As an 0-3E about to go over 10 years for pay purpose, I'll literally be debt free when I return. At that point many options will open up for me and my family( I might even be able to sell my home and move out of NJ, something I can't do right now for financial reasons)
      One huge suggestion that I would give here is that you need to make these plans known and understood by your spouse! Write them down and frame them on the wall if need be, so she can see them while you are gone!

      If both you and her sign off on the upsides and commit to making these goals a reality based upon the deployment then things will be slightly easier for you. It will be tough, but you both can always fall back on the goals that you both set and agreed to on the front end. It is very important that she have input into the goals here as well.

      This may help her realize that the sacrifices that the family is making will have a positive outcome for the family overall. Especially if she gets to place some goals on the list as well.
      The beatings will continue until morale improves.

      Originally posted by jcioccke
      After I hit it, I would be disgusted with her

      Comment


      • #4
        As a former Army spouse I can't begin to tell you the importance of making sure she is hooked into a spouses support group. Your families may be in the area but they really don't know what she is going through. We called spouses that chose to move back to their hometowns to make sure they know they weren't forgotten and to give them the opportunity to vent if need be.

        Good luck and thanks for your service (to your wife as well).

        Comment


        • #5
          ExArmyMP,

          Firstly, thank you for your service.
          Now, onto this choice you and your wife have to make. Sit down with your wife and draw up the pros and the cons. Decide together what you're going to do. I know it's tough on your family. My brother is Army and my sister-in-law and their son came back here after he was deployed from Ft Hood. They sat down and had a similar conversation, as they are a team. You and your family are a team too, work together so all is put on the table to make the decision. It may go easily, and it may not. But working together, the two of you will work it out.

          Good luck to you, in all you do.
          Originally posted by JasperST
          "The fail is strong with this one."


          Originally posted by mdrep
          It's not sporting old chap. Like shooting fish in a barrel. You may only take a shot at a poser or troll if they are running and you are properly licensed.

          What do you think we are, a bunch of barbarians?

          Comment


          • #6
            There is always going to be another deployment, another job opportunity, some way to secure the finances for the future. There is only going to be one time for being with your children.

            Comment


            • #7
              How does your wife feel about this? Is she strong enough to handle it? How's she been doing with this time apart?

              You have served and you have done it proudly. There is no reason to feel bad or shamed for not continuing. There is nothing more important than your family and if you feel this is ultimately for the benefit of your family then do it. But if you go and your wife leaves you or resents you then going overseas only accomplished some of your goals.

              Comment

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