Cops Don't Cry

[jcioccke]

I purchased this book for my wife the other day. I picked it up last night and ended up reading it from beginning to end. (Only 234 pages-quick read)

The funny thing is, I bought this book for my wife, for her to understand my desire, and how we as a family can prosper. Not to allow our marriage to become a statistic to divorce.

When I finished reading the book, I had a whole new perspective on what I was really asking my wife to do. The feeling of guilt for buying "her" the book, to show her, how to cope with my decision. (that she supports) In all honesty I felt ashamed and felt even more foolish for thinking I knew what a spouse and family will go through, with never being on the job.

The other part I took from the book was the true "SACRIFICE" an Officer makes to protect all of us. Let me explain in a little more detail. I understood the Job I understood the Schedule, I even understood the dangers.

But I never really thought about the loneliness an Officer can feel. Nor did I really thing of the Extra Burden you were asking of your spouse.

The way the officer's are trained to go against natural human emotion, to maintain order. To eliminate any outward emotion at a scene etc.
Bottle it up and maintain order.Then go home and switch into a loving father/mother and spouse

There was on story of an Officer who tried saving an infant from STD (he was to late) he too had a baby at the same age. Without boring you with the whole story it got to a point where the wife noticed black and blues on his side. She asked him what happened, and he admitted to severely pinching himself to get the image of the STD baby out of his head.

(He ended up getting help, and is fine)

This book in my opinion should be a must read for any applicants who wish to Pursue a Career in LE. It was written for spouses, but it has really opened my eyes. Again I know the challenges of LE career, but until you read about different experiences and add in the"Human Element" of the job, In my opinion you will not understand it. This is coming from a 37 year old man who plays softball on a Police League, and 2 of my best friends are on the job.
(As I read this, I remember times where I could see something wrong but never asked, if they were OK)

In closing I have always said I Respected all of you, and Thanked you for what you do for all of us. After reading that book those words now seem too shallow to say. Then again there are No Words that will describe how I feel toward all of you who put on that badge.

Not only do I Thank You, But I would like to thank your Spouses as well!!! They carry a heavy Burden as well for you to Protect all of us.

This as well applies to all of you who Serve Our Country and Your Spouses!

New Applicants please buy the book if your married, prior to applying.

Sorry for the long winded post, but it is a rare day when jcioccke's alterer motive backfires on him lol

[Taylor1430]

Very good post. It is sometimes easy for us to forget the sacrifices our family makes to support our careers...whether missing holidays, holidays, birthdays, etc; to the stresses we deal with on the job that affect our personalities.

I too bought the book for my spouse and took a lot away from it as well. I bought it several years ago but pick it up on occasion as a refresher.

[Social Worker]

Jcioccke,

What a wonderful post. You are absolutely correct LE is tought to deal with the situation without feeling and really that is an urealistic expectation. Kudos for reading the book and actually thinking about your family, your friends and yourself. Its ok to feel and its ok to talk about it. Too often LE pokes at mental health but its a very real part of our life just like physical health and it needs to be taken care of.

[YELLOWLAB]

Good post! I have always said, I would not be able to do this job if it wasn't for my wife. When I told her, I wanted to become a cop, she was all in at 100%. She supported me through the academy and continues to do so, without blinking an eye. She is a great women and im a lucky Man!

[Social Worker]

Yellow Cab....
Yes you are. A woman who can support you 100% and be able to deal with the work schedules, time commitments etc, deserve to be treated like royalty. Yellow cab, you are truly lucky.

[jcioccke]

I am very happy everyone enjoyed my post.

When I typed this up, I forgot to add on to this

The way the officer's are trained to go against natural human emotion, to maintain order. To eliminate any outward emotion at a scene etc.
Bottle it up and maintain order.Then go home and switch into a loving father/mother and spouse

It was a very eye opening book for me! It had not deterred me, but I feel better prepared as a Husband,Father to understand what my family will go through.

As Taylor and Yellowlab state, It is true, I too could not go through this without my wifes support.

Thank you Social Worker for your comments as well.

[SlowDownThere]

Sorry for the long winded post, but it is a rare day when jcioccke's alterer motive backfires on him lol

Great post jcioccke. I don't normally read long posts, but I'm glad I read this one. Even without reading the book, I have something to think about...the impact on the family.

[LINY]

jcioccke, I'm just curious if the book mentioned any of the Officers who do not have a family (spouse or kids)?

Good post.

[Presence 1*]

Good thread topic.

This is my first year as an officer, and I'll soon be going through the first holiday season as an officer. This year I'll be working Thanksgiving day... I knew that the schedule was going to be different, I knew that things would have to be wiggled around in order to make the holidays work...

I know my family supports me and more than anything wants me to be happy. I also know they want me to be there to partake in holiday meals and stuff. This year we are thinking about pushing the Thanksgiving meal to Friday night instead of Thurs, so there isn't a rush and hustle and bustle to get it done in time for me to scarf it down before heading back to my town to go to work. It would be much more enjoyable for all that way, I think.

I'm also working Christmas eve, which will be strange, since I've always spent it with my family. I know I'll deal with it, but until this post I didn't really think about how they would feel about me not being there.

Thanks for the thoughts, I'll definitely try to be more cognizant of my family's feelings in light of my schedule demands... They don't just have to "deal with it" cause that's the way its going to be, I have to try to do the best i can to make it work as well.

[jcioccke]

Great post jcioccke. I don't normally read long posts, but I'm glad I read this one. Even without reading the book, I have something to think about...the impact on the family.

I am glad you enjoyed it.

[jcioccke]

jcioccke, I'm just curious if the book mentioned any of the Officers who do not have a family (spouse or kids)?

No it revolved around family, yet the issues(emotion/psychological) that the Officer's deal with can happen to anyone. (without family)

There are so many things that as Civilians we don't see or hear about on a daily basis that are just brutal on one's Psyche. For many Officer's it is a just another day. That's why you will see many times in a thread "You need thicker Skin" You will also see when someone comes on Ask A Cop and tries to complain about a ticket etc. They will defend the Officer without even knowing who the hell they are. It is truly a Brotherhood and after reading the book you can understand why they will Defend each other.

I assure you if you plan on being in LE you should really read the book. I'm an older guy and I knew what I was getting into by applying, but after reading this book and I love a cop, I really didn't have a full picture until now.

PS,

I Love a Cop is OK but I would not recommend it to an Italian NY Woman or in that fact any woman who isn't the "Homemaker- Man is King of the Castle type- I'm Just Saying it may not be a wise decision)

[bikecop136]

I purchased this book for my wife the other day. I picked it up last night and ended up reading it from beginning to end. (Only 234 pages-quick read)

The funny thing is, I bought this book for my wife, for her to understand my desire, and how we as a family can prosper. Not to allow our marriage to become a statistic to divorce.

When I finished reading the book, I had a whole new perspective on what I was really asking my wife to do. The feeling of guilt for buying "her" the book, to show her, how to cope with my decision. (that she supports) In all honesty I felt ashamed and felt even more foolish for thinking I knew what a spouse and family will go through, with never being on the job.

The other part I took from the book was the true "SACRIFICE" an Officer makes to protect all of us. Let me explain in a little more detail. I understood the Job I understood the Schedule, I even understood the dangers.

But I never really thought about the loneliness an Officer can feel. Nor did I really thing of the Extra Burden you were asking of your spouse.

The way the officer's are trained to go against natural human emotion, to maintain order. To eliminate any outward emotion at a scene etc.
Bottle it up and maintain order.Then go home and switch into a loving father/mother and spouse

There was on story of an Officer who tried saving an infant from STD (he was to late) he too had a baby at the same age. Without boring you with the whole story it got to a point where the wife noticed black and blues on his side. She asked him what happened, and he admitted to severely pinching himself to get the image of the STD baby out of his head.

(He ended up getting help, and is fine)

This book in my opinion should be a must read for any applicants who wish to Pursue a Career in LE. It was written for spouses, but it has really opened my eyes. Again I know the challenges of LE career, but until you read about different experiences and add in the"Human Element" of the job, In my opinion you will not understand it. This is coming from a 37 year old man who plays softball on a Police League, and 2 of my best friends are on the job.
(As I read this, I remember times where I could see something wrong but never asked, if they were OK)

In closing I have always said I Respected all of you, and Thanked you for what you do for all of us. After reading that book those words now seem too shallow to say. Then again there are No Words that will describe how I feel toward all of you who put on that badge.

Not only do I Thank You, But I would like to thank your Spouses as well!!! They carry a heavy Burden as well for you to Protect all of us.

This as well applies to all of you who Serve Our Country and Your Spouses!

New Applicants please buy the book if your married, prior to applying.

Sorry for the long winded post, but it is a rare day when jcioccke's alterer motive backfires on him lol

Very good post and I will be looking to buy this book.... Thanks for the info..

[t150vsuptpr]

"Cops Don't Cry "

Sure they do.

[Bearcat357]

"Cops Don't Cry "

Sure they do.

Amen my friend....Amen.....

Be safe.....

[needguidance]

This is kind of on the same subject so I posted this here also. If you haven't read this book I still have questions you may be able to answer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you read this?
Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement

I have been dating an officer for over 9 months who works the night shift. He is the "low man on the totem pole", I guess you can say, and he finds himself working ALOT! He warned me of this from the very beginning. I have a profession that keeps me busy as well, mostly reading technical books, papers, etc. so seeing him when he is available is not a hardship for me (mostly).

Because I am trying to understand what he goes through on a daily basis (to keep my womenly emotions at bay), I have been reading Officer.com-Police Life. I came across this article There is No Room For Hate by Jim Donahue who referred to this book. I read it and though it may tend to talk about extremes (written by a cop doc) the gist of it was about "Hypervigilence". Has anyone read this? What did you think?The fact that you guys are so on, so alert while you are on duty that (especially if you work more than a regular shift) when you are off duty, you are bored, detached and hating to go home. Is this true?

It also refers to situations happening at work, whether problems with admin. or just having a bad day (seeing very unpleasant situations) that cause the officer to become withdrawn and depressed.

Now, my guy has his weeks where when we communicate he seems up and engaged and others when he seems withdrawn and at a low (which is how I am when I'm exhausted-how do I tell if it's exhaustion or not?). Since we don't see each other a whole lot and when we do it is usually very early in the morning it is difficult to tell what he is feeling (which is about right for all men-especially cops). He says he is just tired (which I would be sick from exhaustion).

I told him I read the book and I would give it to him to read (not that he'd have the opportunity to sit and read a book). I am also waiting for Cops Don't Cry and I Love a Cop who after reading this site and other articles on [i]Officer.com[i], seem to come highly recommended.

One last question: Do you want to talk about your day when it has been a bad one?

Sorry for the long post.