Mom's Fading Fast

[1042 Trooper]

Some of you know - and were very kind and compassionate - that I lost my only hero, my dad, 18 months ago.

Now mom, with diabetes, COPD, congestive heart failure, Parkinsons and anything else nature can heap on her plate, is fading fast.

The time has come to convince her to move from her home and into a retirement / hospice / nursing center.

Anyone had to do this? How tough or complicated is it? As it is I'm going to have to take a trip down to L.A. to make the arrangements, so any advice would be welcome.

There are plenty of facilities near her home - just have to pick one, price it, crunch the numbers, etc.

[katseiye]

Have not had that experience, lost mine before it got to that decision. Good luck and god bless you and your family

[deputy x 2]

Sorry to hear about your mom.

This can go either way. She may be stubborn and say no....or realize it and say okay.

The best thing is convince her that she will still have her independence. It will be better for her to mingle around those in the same situation. A retirement community assisted living gives her the opportunity to still enjoy activities on her terms....well kind of.

Either that or look into Life alert..."the help I've fallen but I can't get up" device

[texaschickeee]

I'm truly sorry. Thats a hard hard place to be.
Hospice is kinda easy, its the moving her to the place (if not due to a medical emergency) gets really hard on both sides.

Then going through the house and selling it and .....

Its just a crappy place to be. You and yours are in my prayers.

[officerdotcomm]

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well. Mom is in an "assisted living retirement home" - but my little sister was the one who stuck her there. Didn't give her much choice: she was living with little sis' - and little sis' sold the house to move to NY. Pretty much just told mom, "Guess what we're doing today? Going apartment shopping for you."

[Jellybean400]

I'm truly sorry. Thats a hard hard place to be.
Hospice is kinda easy, its the moving her to the place (if not due to a medical emergency) gets really hard on both sides.

This is true.

It came to the point with my mother that she either needed someone to live with her, or she needed to live someone where others could take care of her.

She wanted neither, but the hospital would not release her until a decision was made, she was that sick.

All of this was the hardest part. She was around 83 at the time, and had had a good, long, healthy life... so we knew - like all of us - she'd eventually age and then eventually pass away. But trying to get her to move from her home of all those years was THE WORST.

She said she did NOT want someone living in her house, so we then said "OK, so you want to move somewhere then?" She really never answered, and my one sister who is married, and her husband - who is a go-getter, made all the arrangements because they had a very nice nursing home within walking distance of their home.

It was more or less just done, and she had to be taken there by ambulance. She only lived there for around 6 weeks. And every day while we were there visiting, we got to here "my poooor house." It was heartbreaking. I looked up online for help and support, and found that all the guilt was normal. There was also something on there about remembering how many lives are involved, and important - that its not just one (as in your mom's) it's everyone's in the family.

I ended up knowing it was OK, she had good care, we all saw her almost every day, and it was just a part of aging and passing, when you have a serious illness - especially.

Good luck. It's alot to go thru. I would say to remind her how much YOU worry when shes home alone, and let her know it will make things easier on you. You know how mothers always want to do that!

[Columbus]

You and your family are in my prayers Troop.

[Monkey]

I can't offer any advice, but I'll keep you and yours in my prayers.

[FireCop86]

sorry i don't have any advice for you but i hope everything goes as smoothly as possible, i will be praying for you guys

[Ninja Styx]

Sorry..no advice from me...we are approaching that "bridge" with my mom.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers

[Presence]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

I don't know what your mom's mental faculties are like, but it would probably be best not to blind side her with the decision. Try to include her in the decision making, go look at different facilities and see which she would be most comfortable with. Again, this is if she is able to communicate those feelings with you.

You might look online for reviews of facilties in the area you are looking. People will often post their experiences online, so this may give you an idea of what the places are like from people who have been there, or family members of those who have been there anyway.

You can only do so much, and when they get to the point where they need supervision or someone to be there on call 24 hrs a day, it is time for either a live in home health aid, or assisted living. My grandma was getting up at all hours of the night, wandering around, disoriented, and she was prone to falling. She has been in and out of the hospital numerous times in the past couple of years, and she lived in Virginia. My uncle (grandma's power of attorney) lives in s. carolina, and decided while she was in the hospital that he was going to move her into an assisted living facility (ALF). he did not tell her, but he got rid of a bunch of her stuff in her house, sold her car, and took her directly from the hospital to the ALF. She was extremely unhappy and began to deteriorate rapidly. After another hospital stay and much upheaval from my dad's other siblings, it was determined that they would all take turns taking care of grandma. it caused a big rift between my dad and my uncle, as well as the other two siblings.

Grandma lived with my parents for a year until my mom couldn't take it anymore, then she went to live with her brother in south florida, then my aunt came down to pick up grandma and took her to live in grandma's house in virginia. Thats where they are now. I really don't know how she's doing at this point.


My point is to make sure everyone is on the same page, or at least let them know what is going on to help avoid hurt feelings. It is a difficult decision, but if neither you or anyone in your family is in a position to help, you are making the right decision.

Good luck!

[1042 Trooper]

So to sum it all up, it sucks as much as I thought it would.

Thank you one and all for your kind words. Just gonna have to swallow hard, get down there and do it. My one brother - in ALASKA - is even further away.

The really cruddy part is I BEGGED for years for her to move up here close for this day, but she liked it better down there in what is now one of the worst parts of Los Angeles, as compared to the new subdivision from an orange orchard it was, when I grew up there.

She heard about three homicides within two blocks - just last week. I think this is something I must "play on" to convince her.

As I said....this just, plain sucks.

Thanks again. More comments and suggestions always welcome - even from liberals.

[Ninja Styx]

So to sum it all up, it sucks as much as I thought it would.

Thank you one and all for your kind words. Just gonna have to swallow hard, get down there and do it. My one brother - in ALASKA - is even further away.

The really cruddy part is I BEGGED for years for her to move up here close for this day, but she liked it better down there in what is now one of the worst parts of Los Angeles.

She heard about three homicides within two blocks of her house last week. I think this is something I must "play on" to convince her.

As I said....this just, plain sucks.

Thanks again. More comments and suggestions always welcome - even from liberals.

Is there a retirement community in your location where she can stay and still see you from time to time.....might be better for her and you in the long run.

The internet, naturally is loaded with info about places that offer quality service for the elderly.

There are really nice communities that offer different types of care depending on needs. I am sure she love the thought of seeing you more often,too.

I am sorry you have to do all this.....its tough, I know.

Prayers being said.....

[ninjamom6]

There are plenty of facilities near her home - just have to pick one, price it, crunch the numbers, etc.

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation, Jim. My prayers are with you.

One question, though: is there any reason you can't find a facility near your home instead of in L.A.? I would think she would prefer having you close enough to visit now and then.

[1042 Trooper]

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation, Jim. My prayers are with you.

One question, though: is there any reason you can't find a facility near your home instead of in L.A.? I would think she would prefer having you close enough to visit now and then.

That isn't the problem - it's both her attitude and the altitude.

We're at 6,500 feet here and she has emphasimia along with everything else. No air here.

But, she decided she hated Wyoming decades ago when I moved here, so it has never been an option.