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Here's a real doozy of a situation...advice sought.

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  • Here's a real doozy of a situation...advice sought.

    Thank you to those that offered good advice...I've taken it onboard.
    Last edited by SLR-1; 03-20-2018, 08:16 PM.

  • #2
    I made it about a third of the way before giving up. Maybe you can employ some Report Writing 101 skills and produce a clear, concise version of the situation??
    Thousands of people have talent. I might as well congratulate you for having eyes in your head. The one and only thing that counts is: Do you have staying power?

    -Sir Noel Coward

    Comment


    • #3
      Believe me, I get that...there's a lot of detail. I threw in every nut and bolt so that any advice given has the full measure of the situation; what I was dealing with, and so I'm not chasing responses. There's nothing more for me to add.
      Last edited by SLR-1; 03-16-2018, 11:37 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        We wouldn’t touch you. You have consistently displayed poor decision making, and even if it’s not all real (per you), there’s a bit of truth in the rather long story you told.



        Now go home and get your shine box!

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by CCCSD View Post
          We wouldn’t touch you. You have consistently displayed poor decision making, and even if it’s not all real (per you), there’s a bit of truth in the rather long story you told.


          I am going to agree with CCCSD

          I think the Chief made the correct decision in rejecting your offer
          Since some people need to be told by notes in crayon .......Don't PM me with without prior permission. If you can't discuss the situation in the open forum ----it must not be that important

          My new word for the day is FOCUS, when someone irritates you tell them to FOCUS

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by SLR-1 View Post
            Good day gents...

            I had a golden ticket of an offer, then it was taken from me...need some advice or maybe some re-assurance.

            Background : College grad, former LEO with the Border Patrol and Air Marshal Service, no record, TS clearance, great professional references.

            Former, as I left the FAM service due to health problems suffered from sustained international travel. The last 4 years have been very hard. My Mother fell ill with stage 4 lung cancer and I caregived for 2.5 years until she passed. Those who have experienced cancer first hand know how it ravages your loved one; a real house of horrors. Within months of this, my Grandmother fell ill and I caregived for her as well until her passing.

            It took me a year to get over both of these losses. I decided to make a fresh start, leave my home state. I load up my truck, head west where I have friends in LE telling me to come out to them.

            I arrive last April set for the job interview with the PD. I don't get it. Big city delivery in my interview to a smaller city (more laid back). No problem, I was committed to the move. Decent paying jobs in the city are hard to find, and the location is very expensive (rent, cost of living). I find a full-time job at 10$ an hour and grind it out for 4 months until the next testing. I Airbnb for the first 3 months, as decent housing that's affordable is hard to find. With cost of living and 1500$ a month in Airbnb's...my savings is getting cut quick.

            While grinding it out at this job, I meet a woman. I picked up she was sad a lot of the time, and I'm a friendly person. Knowing what the burden of life can look like, I try to help people if I can.

            In my off time I was going to some car races, and there are some great rivers you can float down around here. I invite her for a float and a race.

            We do about 6 of these floats, have a few beers. Just friends. It never turned into a dating situation, as by the second float I learned why she was in low spirits. She told me she had been raped by two men at one of the local hotels. She balled in front of me, really showed herself. Again, and I think anyone in LE would understand, this had a profound effect on me. I truly felt sorry for her. I put off anything romantic, as, at the time, it appeared she needed a friend, not another advance.

            By the conclusion of these floats I learn she's looking for a roommate, and I'm looking for one too. I'm hesitant to move in with her given her past. Not that I was holding it against her, but I felt getting a place of my own was the better move. I search for a whole month and find little that's affordable and nice, and what is, is gone before I can get it. I do find a nice house, that, with combined rent of two people, it's doable. I throw it out there to her and she jumps on it.

            We do a year lease, I made it 8 weeks.

            The first few days, I throw a big BBQ for my LEO friends and their families. My roommate is a part of it too. It was a great event. 10 days in though, my roommate, she, starts to say some things that make think it was a bad idea. 'Why are you still single? 'Who will pin your badge on when you get the job?' 'I'm not against dating an older man (she 25, I'm 35).', 'Why aren't more men as nice as you?'. These questions may sound mundane, but it was the way she said them. I decide to be the adult and try to head this off before we get too deep into living together.

            I ask her if she's see us as a couple or something, she says no. Good, no problem - I've got that out of the way. 2 days later she says she does, wants to know how it would work since were living together. I tell her we'll take it slow...I had some feelings too. This lasts for another 2 days. Nothing sexual happens between us, not even kissing. We watched a couple movies on the same couch together, about it. She tells me she can't give me what I want, and I tell her no problem, but I think it's best I move out for the both of us.

            She freaks, says I got her into the house, that I can't leave her. I decide, against my better judgement, to stay - the house is really nice. For the next 6 weeks, it was an odd living situation. She'd talk to me a few days, go out to a local brewery, grab a bite, do a little karaoke together, have a good time - always split checks. Then...she'd go silent...very little contact. During this time she had other sexual partners, I go out seeking to meet other women, out with friends, etc. When we do have contact, she balls crying a lot - emotional issues - and I'm seeing she has drinking problem.

            Her birthday was coming up. Mine had just passed - she got me a card, a nice coat and cooked a good meal. Needless to say, I reciprocate, get her a sleep machine, something to try rather than having some beers or pills for her to get to sleep.

            This whole time living with her, I'm testing with the PD. I make it through all interview's, Chief's included, Psych no problem, background that usually takes 6 weeks is wrapped up in 2 weeks. I get my final offer and start date. My roommate gives me a glowing review - that I'm good to her and make the best hot sauce she's ever had.

            Around the middle of week 7, she's having some issues at work, showing up tired a lot, A boss, come co-workers ask what's going on with her. I defend her, but I know what's happening. I decide to be a friend, to look out for her, to tell her what's being said. She had a promotion coming up, and I didn't want her to lose it. I speak to her, tell her that others are noticing her performance, that 'you just need to get adequate rest on your work nights', etc. Well gents, she rejects my advice, acts irrationally, cusses me out and storms off to her room. The next week and a half of living with her turns unhealthy.

            I secure a new place...got a new job coming, more money...it's time to go. I've done what I can. I see that she's unstable and I've got to protect myself. I'm due to move out in 3 weeks, but an event occurs that scares the hell out of me and I'm out in 3 days. That event is my friends and I going out to celebrate the offer, the new place, hell, the new life I'm about to start. I'm very happy. I invite my roommate out to meet us later is she wants. I'm attempting to keep things on the level. She meets up later and has some beers with us. She gets wasted. I get an Uber for us both and her friend to take her home.

            We get home, and I've neglected purposefully to mention much about her friends, one was particularly mean-spirited to her and I didn't care for her. This one ate at my dinner table, and I treated her with kindness, but she turned mean to me as well. I get my roommate out of the Uber, take her up to bed, lay her down, toss a sheet over her. I got to my room, brush my teeth, got to bed. To my surprise, I hear this friend of hers telling my passed out roommate that I tried to make 'a move on her'. I was pretty shocked. I asked her to substantiate that, she couldn't. I let her know she was welcome to leave.

            My best friend, a Cop at the PD, my future colleague, helps me move out in 3 days.

            I'm out of what was turning into an unhealthy situation....not soon enough.

            I re-negotiate the old lease from the location my new place. The old landlord turns into a piece of work, gets greedy, wants more money. Rent goes up a 100$ a month. I write my roommate a $500 check to make up for the increase, to keep my word on the original arrangement, secure her old roommate in the place. After getting the check, she tells me she wants a break from the friendship. I'm hurt by this, but it's her choice. I've a career to start.

            I'm sure some of you by now see where this is going....

            I take two weeks off my old job to catch a break before starting with the PD. PT''ing, training, excited, hell, ready to start already, I go out to the brewery for a couple beers 3 nights a week with LEO buds, other friends. A friend from my home state comes in town, I take him out into the mountains, go hiking, show him my new home. 4 days before I'm due to start, I go back into the brewery with a friend, have a couple beers. One of the bartenders follows me out - says he needs to talk to me.

            He informs me that my name was called into the PD dispatch over the weekend, from the brewery, 2 days earlier. That a complaint was made that I was 'sexually harassing the wait staff'. I'm floored. I tell this fella I was an entire county away over the weekend. I ask him who called me in. He tells me some new girl working at the bar, says her boyfriend called me in. I had never met this woman. I get on the horn to my PD buds, ask them what the heck is the course of action here? 'Get your CC statements together, wait for a call' - we'd come to the thought that this call went in days previous. Maybe it was cleared already - mistaken identity or something. We were all confused. I regret not calling it in now.

            Within about a day and half, my BI and his Detective Sergeant call me in. My BI is a great guy, really clicked with him. I'm asked do I know why I'm there, and I inform them I was tipped off the night before last. I'm asked why I didn't call it in and I let them know that I was taken by surprise by this, asked my friends, their colleagues, what I should do...I let them know I've got all the documentation necessary to show I wasn't there at the time of the call. As I said, I thought it may have been cleared already.

            I'm told it's not about whether I was there on that day, but about something I said previous. Ok, what's up guys? I'm asked did I ever say the term 'hard dick' at the brewery? I can't believe what I'm hearing, but I answer yes, it's a harmless joke. There's a night called 'tough guy Tuesday' at this brewery - you do pull-ups, you get a .25 cents off your beer for each pull-up. Do 16 and get a free beer. My buds and I are physically fit, we knock out 16 every Tuesday and collect our beers. I tell them, that we call dead hang proper pullups, 'tough guy pull-ups' or 'hard-dick pull-ups'. I say it's like a John Wayne thing. Doesn't mean anything. Just a joke amongst friends having a few beers. Did I ever ask anybody out there romantically? 'No'. Was I ever told that anything I said was inappropriate? 'No'.
            '
            I'm asked about my relationship with my roommate? I haven't lived with this woman going on 6 weeks. Did I have feelings for her? 'Yes'. Did I talk about sex with her? 'She made a joke about it, so did I, just adult talk over dinner or something.' Did I ever raise my voice to her? 'No, absolutely not.' I told them about her friend's charge though...that it was baseless and that I had moved out to protect myself. I informed them about her instabilities. I was also very chivalrous about it. The interview wrapped up.

            The Chief calls me himself the next day to tell me my offer is rescinded. I like the Chief, respect him, tell him this is a mistake, that I'm guilty of a joke at the bar, but good God, I didn't do anything to anybody. He tells me there's a pattern and that I couldn't have passed a BI months ago. I'm leveled. This is the roommate talking.

            I learned that the woman and boyfriend that called me in were associated with my roommate loosely. That none of my references, to include my close friends on the PD, were contacted. That would have sorted out the notion of any "pattern". I still don't understand how she gave a glowing review of me, obviously recanted, and it was believed. I was set-up for a fall - big target on my back and I never even knew it.

            My buds told me to apply for a jail job right away. I did. Informed the panel of the joke I'd made. They put me to backgrounds - got the letter they were passing for now. It's what she said.

            I've got documents, checks she wrote me, birthday card, hotel reservation for a day trip - things that show she was comfortable with me. No one is interested. I lived with 2 other woman in the Airbnbs - they were'nt contacted.

            Luckily, I found a good-paying job right away to pay for the new condo I'd bought, furniture, debt I'd taken on. My savings is long gone, and even with the job, my finances are now precarious.

            Question is...have any of you, more experienced fellows, even heard about something like this? Am I completely screwed here...my future in LE? How do I handle this going forward?

            I just don't understand my investigators not contacting every reference I listed - a thorough background would clear this write up. I know I have to carry this for every application I do out here now...and that's fine...I'm not afraid of the truth. I'm guilty of telling an off-color joke at a bar.

            It's the fact that I did nothing wrong, was nothing but kind to my old roommate, kind to every one out here - I didn't drive 2500 miles after watching 2 of the most important women in my life die...to harass anyone.

            This happened 3 months ago, right before Christmas....and I'm still just devastated by it....and embarrassed.

            There are two things that tend to get cops into trouble: Women and alcohol. You appear to have an issue with both.

            (1) There seems to be a lot of going out, drinking, sometimes acting like frat boys (the hard dick pull-up thing). There's nothing wrong with having a couple of beers with friends on occasion...but it seems a bit excessive in your case. Add the stress of being a cop and your "couple of beers" three times a week will eventually turn into a couple of six packs every day. What I don't need is a cop getting wasted at the local bars and acting a fool.

            (2) You use poor judgment when it comes to women. Even though you knew that moving in with this lady was a bad idea you still did it. Even signed a 12-month lease. Then stayed even when things got bad. Told her you had feelings for her even though you didn't want a relationship with her. Kept inviting her to come drink with you even though you were about to move out. Told her your feelings were hurt when she decided she didn't want to be friends anymore. Lots of mixed messages and poor decisions.

            Most importantly...as a cop you will always have women who will try to latch on to you. Cops are like catnip for troubled women...especially the ones with a history of sexual assault. They look to cops as protectors, knights in shining armor who make them feel safe. One of the worst mistakes a cop can make is get involved with one of these women. It always ends badly for the officer...and oftentimes his agency. The moment the cop stops being the protector he turns into an abuser in their mind and these women will do anything to destroy him. We deal with vulnerable women every day. Yes, we can be compassionate to some extent. But we need to have clear boundaries and keep things professional at all times. We cannot get personally involved in their lives. Ever. You got sucked into this because you have a big heart, try to help people, felt bad for her, are naive. It's bound to happen again. Maybe this experience taught you a lesson...but I'm not going to take a chance of you repeating the same thing with a woman you meet on the job.

            The Chief said that "there's a pattern" and that's why you weren't hired. I'd have to agree with him. It's not "the roommate talking". It's your own behavior that created the pattern. I wouldn't hire you either.

            Comment


            • Curt5811
              Curt5811 commented
              Editing a comment
              Words of wisdom

            • CCCSD
              CCCSD commented
              Editing a comment
              Bingo!!!!!!

          • #7
            I really appreciate everyone's honesty. For a pattern, I was referring to harassment. I've never done that to anyone...I'm not even capable of it. I have no previous negative history with any woman.

            Yes, I had a pattern of wanting to help this woman...I might have used better judgement had I not been so beaten down from the previous years. For the alcohol, there's no abuse of that going on. I only drink a couple beers socially with friends. No late nights, in bed by 10. Work out religiously and eat right.

            Gents, I've already had the stress of being on the border and flying 60+ hours a week, across the world, and never turning to alcohol. It's a non-issue.

            not.in.my.town - telling her I had feelings for her, but not wanting a relationship...that wasn't the case...living with her, taking it slow meant, let's figure this out, and I can move out here soon. How I felt was always secondary to wanting to be a positive male-role model. I still wanted to at least be friends.

            Naive, 100%.

            Is this something time will heal? I've certainly learned a lesson...you gents have helped solidify it. I have a lot to offer a Dept. I'm a hard worker, compassionate, and dedicated to service.

            Is there a way I can explain this in my next application?

            Again, thank you for the honesty gents.

            Comment


            • #8
              Originally posted by SLR-1 View Post
              I really appreciate everyone's honesty. For a pattern, I was referring to harassment. I've never done that to anyone...I'm not even capable of it. I have no previous negative history with any woman.

              Yes, I had a pattern of wanting to help this woman...I might have used better judgement had I not been so beaten down from the previous years. For the alcohol, there's no abuse of that going on. I only drink a couple beers socially with friends. No late nights, in bed by 10. Work out religiously and eat right.

              Gents, I've already had the stress of being on the border and flying 60+ hours a week, across the world, and never turning to alcohol. It's a non-issue.

              not.in.my.town - telling her I had feelings for her, but not wanting a relationship...that wasn't the case...living with her, taking it slow meant, let's figure this out, and I can move out here soon. How I felt was always secondary to wanting to be a positive male-role model. I still wanted to at least be friends.

              Naive, 100%.

              Is this something time will heal? I've certainly learned a lesson...you gents have helped solidify it. I have a lot to offer a Dept. I'm a hard worker, compassionate, and dedicated to service.

              Is there a way I can explain this in my next application?

              Again, thank you for the honesty gents.
              If you were in your early twenties I'd say yes, it's something time can heal. I might chalk it up to immaturity, tell you to wait a few years, grow up a bit, then apply somehwere else. But you're 35...been there, done that...and still not making good decisions. That's troubling.

              I don't think that anything you did was horribly wrong or reprehensible. In fact, it might even be considered "honorable" or selfless. BUT...they are exactly the types of things that tend to get cops into trouble. Even the good ones. Maybe especially the good ones. I've seen it time and time again. Oftentimes there is a sexual motivation behind it on the part of the officer. But even just genuinely wanting to help someone can be just as dangerous -- as you've found out yourself.

              Someone with that type of history is too much of a liability for most departments. It doesn't mean you should stop applying. There might be an agency out there that will hire you based on your prior service.

              Comment


              • #9
                Roger that, not.in.my.town...

                No sexual motivation on my part...not how I operate morally. It was indeed genuine...regard for another human being.
                I will still keep applying, but a hard lesson was learned. Money, time and hard work were wasted. Again, the honesty of
                all is appreciated.

                Comment


                • #10
                  Originally posted by not.in.my.town View Post

                  if you were in your early twenties i'd say yes, it's something time can heal. I might chalk it up to immaturity, tell you to wait a few years, grow up a bit, then apply somehwere else. But you're 35...been there, done that...and still not making good decisions. That's troubling.

                  i don't think that anything you did was horribly wrong or reprehensible. In fact, it might even be considered "honorable" or selfless. But...they are exactly the types of things that tend to get cops into trouble. Even the good ones. Maybe especially the good ones. I've seen it time and time again. Oftentimes there is a sexual motivation behind it on the part of the officer. But even just genuinely wanting to help someone can be just as dangerous -- as you've found out yourself.

                  someone with that type of history is too much of a liability for most departments. It doesn't mean you should stop applying. There might be an agency out there that will hire you based on your prior service.
                  exactly
                  Since some people need to be told by notes in crayon .......Don't PM me with without prior permission. If you can't discuss the situation in the open forum ----it must not be that important

                  My new word for the day is FOCUS, when someone irritates you tell them to FOCUS

                  Comment


                  • #11
                    Biggest problem was quitting federal service in the first place IMO. You already had a solid gig before.

                    Comment


                    • #12
                      Originally posted by NorCalAspirant View Post
                      Biggest problem was quitting federal service in the first place IMO. You already had a solid gig before.
                      I had no choice - health wise, major issue with high blood pressure brought on by circadian rhythm disorders from the international travel. I had two offers from ICE for special agent, but each time, the funding was cut under the last administration, and I wasn't able to fall into another fed gig before leaving.

                      Comment


                      • #13
                        Originally posted by Ratatatat View Post
                        I made it about a third of the way before giving up. Maybe you can employ some Report Writing 101 skills and produce a clear, concise version of the situation??
                        I didn’t even get that far.
                        Getting shot hurts! Don't under estimate the power of live ammo. A .22LR can kill you! I personally feel that it's best to avoid being shot by any caliber. Your vest may stop the bullet, but you'll still get a nice bruise or other injury to remember the experience.

                        Comment


                        • #14
                          Going to a Brewery 3 times a week and having a few beers as often as you do would have been the red flag for me. You might not see it but as a BI, I would not have recommended you for hire.

                          Comment


                          • #15
                            Originally posted by SLR-1 View Post

                            Again, thank you for the honesty gents.
                            You keep repeating terms such as this. You do realize women are in Law Enforcement and some read this forum? Since you asked advice from the gentlemen, of which I am not, I won't bother offering an opinion. Just a thought.
                            Judge me by the enemies I have made----Unknown

                            Comment


                            • 19-Paul
                              19-Paul commented
                              Editing a comment
                              Ditto......

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