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I don't know what to do anymore :(


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  • I don't know what to do anymore :(

    Hey everyone!
    I was debating for a long time whether or not to post. I have a friend who is a cop in town but for whatever reason it seems really intimidating to talk to him about it so I figured I would try it this way for anonymity.

    I really really don't want to get into too many details so if it sounds vague then I apologize...

    My friend is dating a real "winner". He has multiple drug charges and has been shot multiple times. My friend has also had a baby with this guy. A beautiful little girl who was born premature weighing in at 2 pounds 4 ounces.

    Due to a recent horrible experience, I found out he hits my friend...HARD. I am TERRIFIED for not only her...but her BABY...it wouldn't take much to seriously injure or even kill this baby...once this baby is back from the hospital, this whole thing can get a whole lot worse.

    After this incident I tried to let her know the possible consequences of staying with this guy. This guy has no job. He lost his license. He has no education whatsoever. He's a drug addict and possibly a drug dealer and is a beater. She refused to leave him...saying he's the father of her child and that she had to stay with him for her daughter's sake.

    Last week she unexpectedly showed up at my apartment sobbing. I let her in and noticed bruises all over. I asked her if she wanted to go to the police department and she said she was afraid to. She was afraid that once the report was filed, instead of just arresting him, he would be informed of what happened and he would get mad and go after her. She asked if I could ask the cop that I know if this kid would be arrested immediately and have no chance at going after her. I told her I would...and that is why I am posting this. Like I said, for whatever reason, it is too intimidating to ask the cop face-to-face

    If I take her to file this report...will this idiot be arrested immediately and have no chance of going after her? Or will they notify him of the report and then he'll have the chance to go after her? Or at least have some kind of a protective order against him so he can't? This guy doesn't have a license...but he has paid people to drive him places. He knows where she lives and there's no doubt he'd have a way to get there. I told her she can stay at my apartment if she is scared (he has no clue where I live...thank God).

    This is all so scary and I hope nobody minds my posting this

  • #2
    Encourge her to report it. However, if he is not held in custody, she will be protected by a piece of paper. So, she should be ready to move if things escalate.


    • #3
      Ohio domestic violence law is very specific about what actions an officer must take in domestic violence.

      If there are physical indicators of domestic violence (injuries) and the officer an determine the primary aggressor (usually the person who initiated the violence), then the officer must make an arrest.


      If a victim of domestic violence completes a signed statement alleging domestic violence, then the officer must make an arrest.

      Once the boyfriend is arrested, then he will have to come up with bond or go in front of a judge to get released. In either case, it's pretty much standard for a Temporary Protection Order (TPO) to be put in place that prohibits him from contacting her in any way. Realize that the TPO isn't an invenuerable shield...just because it's in place doesn't mean that he won't violate it. If she's concerned about that, she could contact the local Victim Witness Advocate and see about battered women's shelters in her area.
      "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
      -Friedrich Nietzsche


      • #4
        Sadly if she's not willing to make the complaint, she's not ready to move on. Keep trying to encourage her and perhaps get ahold of a women's support group for domestic violence. If she talks to other people who have gone through the same thing it may help make up her mind.

        Once the police are notified, especially when she has signs of abuse, they can take action. Ultimately she has to make that decision.


        • #5
          Encourage her to seek assistance at a local battered womens shelter. They will be able to correctly advise her of her rights and protect her from the battering boy friend.

          If I am not mistaken Ohio law concerning Domestic Violence is very strictly enforced by all agencies.

          Your friend is having her rights violated when she is abused by the offender. She has a right to live a peaceful and happy life without fear of the coward she is living with!!!

          Beyond that, if she comes to you again crying, with bruising and fear, immediately call the police and convince her to make a report.
          Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence!

          [George Washington (1732 - 1799)]


          • #6
            If she files a report it does not mean the guy is immediately arrested. If he was present when the police show up then yes if there is probable cause he would be arrested. Unless it is a very small town where the officers have free time and know where the guy lives most agencies are not going to go out looking for this guy. There may be dozens of these cases every week for our department and we just dont have the manpower to hunt them all down. Even if he is arrested he will have the chance to bail out of jail within hours with a future court date. Your friend may obtain a restraining order, but as said that is only a piece of paper and will not stop him from harming her. A restraining order allows us to arrest him if he contacts her, shows up, etc. Your friend needs to decide her course of action and she needs to be prepared to follow through. If she comes to your house I would call the police for her as that will at least get things documented for the future. I have been to the same victims house a half dozen times and they never want anything done they just call so the guy gets scared and leaves. It may take a while before he does something bad enough to make her want to leave.....but at least then everything has been documented. The DA will very rarely prosecute the cases we write up unless there is a victim willing to help or testify or there is very significant injury.
            Last edited by Fuzz; 04-07-2007, 12:18 PM.


            • #7
              You need to strongly encourage your friend to report the assaults to the police. I have responded to a similar situation probably hundreds of times. Here in San Antonio family and domestic violence has gotten so bad that our Chief and DA have just made drastic changes in how we as officers handle these situations. We now make an arrest even if the compainant does not want the actor arrested. The DA will file the case any way.

              It sounds like the beatings that your friend has gotten have been escalting from just hit to hit several times. This is normal and very frightening. They will only get worse. Your friend needs to understand that staying with this guy for the baby's sake is suicide. Who is going to take care of the baby when he beats your friend into hospitalization or even death. If she really cares for the baby she will get her and the baby out and away from him asap.

              I often tell women in these situations to just dial 911 and leave the phone off of the hook when something starts to happen. This way the dispatcher can update officers enroute on the situation.

              And I would encourage you to stand by your friend. But don't try to take matters into your own hands. Make sure you familiarize yourself with the use of force of a third person laws in Ohio. That way if you had to protect your friend you will know what you are justified in doing.
              The views I share are my own, and do not represent the opinions of my employing agency.


              • #8
                If she isn't willing to help herself, they you can't help her. Encourage her to report this stuff, but don't get your hopes up. I've been to domestics before in which the victim tells me the accused has been arrested before and convicted on a domestic charge. I ask "Who was the victim", they say "It was me". Well then why are you still around??????

                If the baby is being abused, and you have good reason to believe so, call Child Protective Services, or whatever they call that where you are.


                • #9
                  thanks for the replies everyone...I really appreciate it


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