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  • I think I really messed up...

    I think I have really messed up where my son is concerned. Granted, not one of you know me, but a little background...

    I am a single parent, son is 22 and a commerical pilot by education, daughter is 17 and a senior in HS this year. Both have been and are straight A students, daughter is a varsity cheerleader, so I think I have done really well being a single parent.

    My son just received a call from a US Marshall Deputy in our vicintity who had heard about him and wants him to apply in their air wing division. He also gave my son the names and numbers of other agencies this Marhsal has contacted...SS, Customs, DEA, FBI

    PROBLEM: Although I have done extremely well with both of my children, in my opinion...

    I got arrested, first offense,( and ONLY offense) on January 30th of this year. It was the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life, not to mention, I will beat myself up forever on this one, nobody to blame but myself.

    My girlfriend had broken her foot with a slip on the ice. Her husband, being the President of a bowling league in the county to the north of me, called and begged me to fill in. Keep in mind, I am NOT a bowler, they just needed another person to round out their team as it was tournaments.

    Well, suffice it to say, I went. First mistake. They had pitchers and I had a small glass, but very honestly, I am not a huge person. I am 5'8" and 135 pounds and seldom a drinker. I was there for 4 hours. Glass was never empty. I got arrested on my way home at 2200. I tested .164 and had to spend 12 hours in jail. Officer asked how much, I replied * I honestly do not know*, I am not a liar.

    I have never in my life been so humiliated, ashamed, nor embarrassed in my entire life. I have never even received a speeding ticket, not had an accident.

    I just went to court Monday (August 1) for the 2nd time and for the 2nd time, it was continued, this time until October 31st. Keep in mind please, this happened January 30th. There are inconsistencies in the officers report, but as I said, I have nobody to blame but myself. I was very cooperative as I hold the utmost respect for any law enforcement personnel. I am dating a detective, sometimes

    At any rate, my daughter is aware of what happened as she lives with me, my son is not aware of it as he has his own place. I am very, very close with both of my children. I do not know what to do.

    I am so proud of my son and my daughter because of their accomplishments, yet so ashamed of myself. The Prosecutor, even with a first offense, wants me to seve 30 days! What? My children, regardless of age (expecially my daughter at home) have NEVER been latchkey children, and I do not care their age, they will never be, as I am always homein the evenings, weekdays and weekends. They are to the age, they are either in school or working. I do NOT go to bars, have a couple beers maybe once a year, and that is all. Yes, probably due to the BAC, I am screwed.

    What do you recommend? Do I tell my son and have him hate me for life, or do I go along with all of his background and interviews, be honest about what happened and have him find out later?

    I am so incredibly ashamed of myself. What happened was not me at all. I made a huge mistake and I will pay for that. I messed up, bad!

    Did I mess up my son's chances also? I truly am a good person, just not feeling that way right now.


    PS: Strawberry's post was a complete shame, she needs to find a street corner, she'll find all kinds of officers then and I can be pretty sure, they will be the arresting sort, just my not so humble opinion, sorry!

    Last edited by Lauri; 08-03-2005, 08:55 PM. Reason: A couple of typo's! Erg keyboard at work, not at home!

  • #2
    i havent every applied for a fed. job, but i dont really think your "problem" (i use that loosely) should have an impact on his chances, unless you have a severe criminal past, which you stated you dont.
    i am still in shock that if you have nothing in your past, that they are wanting jail time, everyone i arrested for DUI first offense, was an automatic offer of deferred sentence for two, they must be tuff up there. as far as telling your son, well, i dont know, he is an adult know, and your business is your business, but if they sentence you to jail time and suspend your license, well he will find out anyway.


    • #3
      Best DUI story ever.. in terms of sincereity..

      Look, everyone makes mistakes, and your son (of all people) knows this. If your son hates you for it, you obviously did SOMETHING wrong along the way; because that is not something you HATE your parents for.

      If one of my parents got a DUI (at least on the terms you stated) I would laugh and be like "You idiot" in a joking manner and say be more careful next time, but I surely wouldn't hate them; but make fun of them a little.

      Honesty is always the best policy to quote a really stupid clich


      • #4
        i would tell my son what happend.He isnt going to hold it against you forever.I dont know about you ruining his chances so i will not comment on honest with him, tell him what happend. you sound ashamed of what you did and it was a one off thing.You will get punishment when the courts deside what to do with you i guess.


        • #5
          [QUOTE=horne80]Best DUI story ever.. in terms of sincereity..

          Look, everyone makes mistakes, and your son (of all people) knows this. If your son hates you for it, you obviously did SOMETHING wrong along the way; because that is not something you HATE your parents for.

          If one of my parents got a DUI (at least on the terms you stated) I would laugh and be like "You idiot" in a joking manner and say be more careful next time, but I surely wouldn't hate them; but make fun of them a little.

          Honesty is always the best policy to quote a really stupid clich


          • #6
            If I was your son ........... yep ......... I'd be so upset with you !

            But not for the reasons you think.
            I'd be upset that you hadn't told me so that I could talk things over with you so you didn't have to worry on your own.
            Everyone makes mistakes and does something silly at some point in their lives, those that don't are called angels and I've yet to meet one !!

            Family is the most important thing in the world and a problem shared with them (with a bit of love and support) seems to be not so bad.

            Trust me, tell him whats happened and explain to him why you haven't told him for so long.
            I have no doubts that everything will be cool.

            Good luck.


            • #7
              Your concern seems to be how this will affect your children. I can understand that.

              Your DUI arrest will not affect your son's chances of employment.

              My advice would be to tell your son all about it, then go to court and face the music. A 22-year-old son does not expect his mother to be perfect, and you can still set a good example by facing your mistake and dealing with the consequences. There are very few lessons you could give him that will be more important in his life.
              Cogito ergo summopere periculosus.


              • #8
                I have a 2 High School buddies that are brothers. One works for the FBI as a Special Agent (before that he worked as a SA for the DEA) and the other one works as a SA for NCIS.
                Their Dad is a convicted felon. He bilked the Federal Gove (HUD) out of a couple hunderd grand on a scheme. He got caught, did his time, and is back out in society being a productive citizen.
                The fact that he was a Federal Felon did not have any outcome on them getting jobs with the Fed Gov. They were not around at the time (both in the Army) and had absolutely nothing to do with it.

                Hope that you see that your actions will not have any impact on your son's chance's of working as a FED LEO.


                • #9
                  I truly do appreciate all of your responses. My son "hating" me was a little strong I suppose. I didn't mean it in the sense of actual hate. I know him well enough that he will not speak to me for a couple months, unless he HAS to and things will be really uncomfortable. I am sure at that point, he will tell the rest of my family and I just don't want to face them along with the fact of what I am facing in the courts.

                  Things are just stressful right now for me. Your kind words have helped alot and I do know I have a long road ahead of me, but I will make it and come out much wiser than before!

                  Geesh! A moment of stupidity has cost me alot, not just financially, but my confidence in myself.

                  Thanks again all!


                  PS: Hope you don't mind my hanging around and asking more questions?
                  Last edited by Lauri; 08-03-2005, 09:32 PM. Reason: Add to my post


                  • #10
                    Which would offend your son more? That his mother is human and makes mistakes, but is truthful. Or that his mother conceals the truth from him?

                    If you did such a great job parenting, then hopefully you've taught them the value of making a mistake, and the more important value of forgiveness.

                    At any rate, we deal with everyone in our line of work. And I'll let you in a little secret: Not everyone we take to jail is a "bad" person.

                    First and formost, if you are guilty of a crime, I would ask you personally (not professionally) to not try and "worm" your way out of it in court. It will set the example to your children that even though you break the law, you can get away with it if you try (like OJ or Michael). If you tell your children that you are guilty, then let them learn through you that you must now suffer the consquences of your actions. Otherwise if one of your kids gets a DUI later in life they'll always go back to "But Mom, you got away with it."

                    If you are not guilty, then your conscious should be clear anyway.

                    But don't fret, it's not the end of the world. From the way it sounds you've done a good job with your kids so far, so we'll trust your judgement.

                    Good luck and I know you'll do the right thing.
                    You have no right to not be offended.-Neal Boortz


                    • #11
                      Please, stop beating yourself up! So you made a bad mistake, Thank God, you didn't drive drunk and kill someone!

                      I'm sure your children would understand and maybe be a lesson in case they would ever think of drinking and driving. I drove home drunk about 3 years ago and don't remember it-I Thank God every day I made it and didn't kill or hurt anyone in the process-and it's the last time I ever did that.

                      You sound like a great Mom-best of luck to you and your children....

                      (Not a cop)
                      Last edited by lt93lover; 08-04-2005, 04:36 AM.


                      • #12
                        Centurion, you are correct. Asking the question of what is worse, basically not being forthright with my son. Ugh, and I do beat myself up worse than anyone else could beat me up over this. I know things like this happen everyday to many people and I read everyday about the ones who are repeat offenders that just never learn. That will definitely not be me!

                        I learned a very valuable and hard lesson on this one. And I know that is the most important thing through this mess. It won't happen again, that is for sure! I hope that the mitigating circumstance in all of this is that I have a completely clean record, driving or otherwise, and that may help, we'll see.

                        There is no way I will try to bilk the system and get out of this, as like I said, there is nobody to blame but myself for this. I deserve punishment and I will takle what the court chooses to seal my lesson learned. I do not have a problem ever. with anything in life, work or otherwise, standing up and saying, I made a mistake. I have always owned those and always will.

                        I hate nothing more than a liar or somebody that shoves the blame elsewhere. It's just wrong, when clearly one can see where the blame lies.

                        I do truly appreciate all responses!

                        Thanks much!


                        PS: And yes, the counties around here are really cracking down, especially the small counties such as where I live and that where I got nabbed. The counties with the major cities, sometimes do not take a person to jail after something like this as they just do not have the room available. The smaller counties are setting the precedence that it will not be tolerated, and you know what, I applaud them for this.


                        • #13
                          Well look at it this way, my dad drank vodka and whiskey ever since I was born and didn't hide it at all. He embarrased me everywhere, had me scared near to death everynight (he used to preach at me when I was a little kid that he was going to die any day). He drove me home everyday from grade 5 to 11 and didn't mind being DUI, boy those were some fun rides He always promised when he got out of rehab he would stop drinking but it was never true, the final straw with my mom was me having to drive him to the emergency room for severe dehydration when I was 14 and she told him to move out. Ever since then he has been having flings with hookers and strippers while married to my mom still and has been drinking himself to death every night. All that and everything else I can still forgive him for it because no matter what he has done, he is my one and only father and I can't deny that even though he was nothing of a parent to me.


                          • #14
                            Wow, why don't you tell that to the judge. It sort of falls on usless ears here. I also fail to see how locking up a mother who has a 17 year old daughter to raise will serve the best interests of justice and the community. 17 year old daughters need mothers.

                            I had a partner a few years back. He was a crazy dude, and had a nose for dope like you would never believe. His brother was a Bandido. The Bandidos are an outlaw motorcycle gang. Oh, and he wasn't the modern whimpy social light outlaw biker, but rather the hard core meth cook violent type.

                            Made him a better cop and me a better cop for the time I got to talk to him before he died.

                            Just taught an academy class here about eight months back. The students introduced themselfs to me and one name rang like a bell. Later the young man came up and talked to me personally. I had sent his dad to federal prison twice, and pulled his dead brother from a car wreck where it was suspected that he had been running from rival gang members.

                            Last I heard he had got a job in law enforcement.

                            Now the way I figure it, a 1st time DUI don't even come close to measuring up to the two things I have mentioned. In law enforcement, an individual is measured by his or her own merits. A 22 year old with a commercial license is impressive. Next, and I don't mean this baddly either, I would be much more concerned if he had freinds that were screwing up. We can all choose our friends, we can't choose our family.

                            My best to you.
                            "In my life I have met many people who were quick to point a finger, and but a few that cared enough lift one"



                            • #15
                              Both of your posts are so enlightening to me.

                              I agree that a first offense and what they are offering is a little harsh, kind of took my breath away; but if that is what they require, then I will pay my debt to society. Won't make me a happy camper, but again, it is my own fault and nobody's else.

                              Your stories really helped me keep my chin up a little higher. I know in my heart what a good person I really am. I am college educated, but like most individuals, I have had my share of pain, hurt and trauma and managed to toe the line in life, rather than finding solace in drugs, alcohol, bad crowd and any number of bad things people get themselves into.

                              I sure wish I could turn back time, but that won't do me any good either. This is a very important life lesson that I have learned from and I know it will never happen to me again in this lifetime. Geesh. I need the hammer over the head icon right about now!



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