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  • Open Mike ! ! ! ! ! !

    Since the "keys" locked in the car and "lights left on" threads have worked so well and gotten so many of us laughing, here's another area we can laugh at ourselves (okay...laugh at OTHER OFFICERS.)

    What's some of the best stuff you've ever heard (or said...) over a mike that either you didn't know was keyed or said in the background while someone was transmitting that went across.


    1. Late one night, I heard the radio in the patrol office of my PD go "open mike" (we were on a channel with other small agencies and the sheriff's department, but our base unit had a distinctive sound.) I heard two voices I recognized as two of the deputies that worked that zone and often stopped by to chat-this meant at least one of OUR guys was there also. Some words were not understandable, but it was obvious they were talking about a female. The laughter and the echoing made it hard to understand, but then I heard one deputy CLEARLY say "Well Ithink she's cute." The other then laughed and said "Yeah, well then you'd think my D**K is cute!!!!"

    2. Q------U------I------E------T night, there had been NOTHING said on the radio in over an hour. mike! And it was obviously on the console in dispatch. It was open for at least 15 seconds and not a peep came across, and then a deputy (known as "Rambo" if that tells you anything about his demeanor) says: "Damn..........................that's niiiiiiiiiiiiice!" He said later that a communicator was showing him something on the computer (?????????)

    3. Right after a HOTLY fought sheriff's election, one night about 11:00 PM, open mike! We instantly knew both deputies from the voices. Granted, all one said (fortunately for him!) was "Yeah...yeah...yeah..." The other however, was a different story. (It's still amazing to me he has a job.) He was griping about not having enough manpower and him having to work nightshift and he got madder and madder the more he talked. He went on about how sorry the county commissioners were, how small the budget was, and summed everything up with the new sheriff "He wanted that G**D**N job-now he's got it! Now let's see if he can HANDLE it!"

    4. Two officers that were best friends began having problems between them. It got to the point that the brass worried about them. One was off duty at a convenience store waiting for his girlfriend (the clerk) to get off duty. One of the on duty sergeants stopped to talk to him. He asked him about the situation between them. The officer really liked the sergeant, and trusted him, so they walked outside on the sidewalk and he told him everything. Now know that this was in the mid 80's, and our department had just got walkies, and did not have holders for them, so the sergeant was carrying his in his back pocket, and LEANING on a newspaper box. So, basically, the whole world got to hear how Officer Soandso was a backstabbing SOB, who was cheating on his pregnant wife with "Juggs" at the topless bar, and had borrowed $100 and wouldn't pay it back because..." until a deputy (who had, by the grace of God, just driven by about two minutes before and seen them in the store talking) came in WFO, slides to a stop and yells "YOUR MIKES OPEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!"

    5. My fav. I walked into the PD off duty one day (payday!) Gathered around the radio was ALL the on-duty officers and 3-4 off-duty guys like me who'd come to get their checks. They were laughing hysterically-I asked them what it was about. They told me that all morning, somebody had an open key and had been singing country music into the radio as they rode around. I asked who it was, and they said that it was muffled enough that they couldn't tell for sure, but everybody kept saying "I KNOW that voice!" It started again: "He stooooooped loving HER, today…Ooooooooh, he came to see her one last time…we all wondered if he would…" WE WERE ROLLING! Then, suddenly "Elllllviiiiira, Elvira, my hearts on fiiiiiiiiiire, for…(singing stops) …G**D**N lady! Go the f*** on! Oh..that's right lady …F*** AROUND, F*** AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!") While we getting up off the floor, it suddenly stopped all together. Another off duty officer we had just hired comes in-we tell him about it and he starts laughing. We tell him what they said, and he stops laughing, turns pale, and says "Oh s**t!" and heads for the parking lot. We still don't know what's wrong, and follow him out, in time to see him reaching into his POV and getting the walkie talkie (he carried it everywhere, even off duty), WHICH HAD FALLEN BETWEEN THE SEATS OF HIS VEHICLE AND WEDGED AGAINST THE PARK BRAKE!

  • #2
    When our shoulder mikes get wet, they either open up or set off the emergency button. It was during a nasty storm where we hade about 6 blocks of downed trees and wires and I was out with Florida Power Corp on one of the last sites. The rain had slowed to a drizzle and the clouds were parting. I can't remember what we talking about, but it wasn't about work or the weather. I don't even know what all went over the radio, but next thing I know I'm getting an I-call from the Sgt telling me to take my shoulder mike off until it dries...DOH!

    Deputy about to pull over a car early (about 0800) on a Sunday morning.

    "Central, copy a 10-50"
    "Go ahead"
    "(tag number) at(begins his location)OH S***!"
    Central can't get him and we're going to the area where we think he may be and he comes back on the radio. We all though he went down or saw something big, but as he was making his stop and watching the car, he didn't see the other car coming and almost got T-Boned.

    Not an open mike, but when I was in Germany, we had a German MP assigned to our building. This building was on one of the busiest roads in Heidelberg and housed a Two Star, Three Star and Four Star(USAREUR CINC), so we had a post outside on the sidewalk(Radio code 32D). It was shortly after the second Lybia attack and we were slowly coming off of high threatcons. All of a sudden, out along the road we hear the Earth shattering KABOOOOOOMMM!

    "32 to 32 Delta, you OK?"
    "(German accent)Yeah, I'm Ok"
    "What was that?"
    "I don't know, man, but it was F****** loud!"

    Turned out it was only a backfire. The CINC's security unit(PSD) monitors our radio and we get a phone call..."hey, did you guys find the fire fight?"

    In an attempt to stop a vehicle(we're not allowed to pursue), all attempts are meeting with negative results. I radio in that the car's not stopping and Central clears the air and says I'm in pursuit. I get on and say "negative, Central, I'm not in pursuit". It was a nice try, but I never rolled my window back up so you heard the tell-tale wind and wide open 4.6 at 90mph over the radio. I ended up breaking it off before it went to s***.


    • #3
      We had an officer call in a warrant check on an out of state person he had just stopped. The guy had been giving the officer a hard time just before he called it in so the officer was just a little miffed. All of us working heard him call dispatch and say,"Can you run this son of a bitch in (name of state) for me and see if he has any warrants?" When he came in, we were all laughing and he swore he didn't say it until we ran the tape back for him to hear.


      • #4
        Two officers were talking in their squad cars side by side one night. One of the officers was dispatched to a call, and as a prank, the other officer hit his air horn right as the officer was keying up to go enrout. The officer yelled "Mother F*cker" and was heard as clear as day over the radio.



        • #5
          This is one of the reasons I dont wear a shoulder mike. I also turn my portable to another channel thats not on a repeater when Im in the car. Ive heard too many open mike horror stories. The best has to be when a dispatcher accidentally hits the foot switch on the console, and begins to jabber about whom ever and what ever.....


          • #6
            OK I'm guilty on this one. 1980 I'm a patrolman with USAF police. Dog watch, nothing going on. I meet up with another unit and he gets in my car with me because I had a good heater and it was about -5 degrees. The mike clip was broken off the dash so the mike is on the front bench seat.We get to BSing and I start going on about how I hate Staff Sgt. X (our flight chief)and how I would like to kick his butt, etc. This goes on for about 3 minutes then my partner moves his leg and we hear a static click. OH MY GOD! goes thru my mind. Right away I hear "Police one four be advised your mike has been open for three minutes". Next transmission was SSgt. X calling me to report to the squadron. Ugly scene follows and I end up working a gate with a 4 BTU heater for the next week. Luckily I went TDY and got a new assignment shortly afterward. I still hate that guy.

            Another USAF story; we got a stone crazy female one night and put her in the holding cell which was right behind the LE desk. She kept screaming "I know ! and you know that I know!" all night long. Every time the desk keyed the mike you could hear her. After about an hour of this all the patrolman starting ending thier transmissions with "I know". Desk: "Police one two make the base exchange for a theft" One Two: "I know" this went on for a few hours and everyone was cracking up. We were rolling until the Colonel (who kept a portable with him all the time)came on the air with "This is CSP to all units. If I hear "I know" on the air again I know I will have you all in my office". "If you think it is cold here you will not enjoy your tour of the Alaskan isles". Air got REAL quiet the rest of the night
            I am down right paranoid now with radio mikes and recording device in the car, don't want to repeat that stunt.


            • #7
              We've had a few hilarious open mike situations here.

              - During the pursuit of a stolen car one of our guys chased the perp until he crashed the stolen vehicle. The guy(injured from the crash) fled on foot to a nearby filed where he collapsed dazed. The officerran up to him and at gunpoint ordered to remain still with his other hand he keys up his shoulder mike and we hear his stressed out nasally voice..."Don't move...Make no mistake about it, I will F***ING shoot you!"

              - That same officer did it again one night only car to car on the wrong channel. He was on TAC-1 when he thought he was on our private talk channel.
              A motorist was tailgating him and our K-9 officer was passing by the other LEO and said to him "Boy, that guy was driving close."
              The officer responding accidently on TAC-1..."Yeah he was right up my ***."
              The Sgt. and another officer were going into the donut shot for coffee when it happened and there response was even funnier:

              Sgt. - "What did he just say?!?!"
              off. - "He said 'he was right up my ***'." in a very deadpan manner
              Sgt. - "Does that mean he wants help or to be left alone?"

              - That same Sgt. caught a car thief one night had him at gunpoint and keyed his shoulder mike just as the car thief made a movement and we hear "Stay right there,pal!...Stay right the F**k there, pal!" over Tac-1.

              - Our one dispatcher was taking a 911 call for a domestic and had the phone in one hand and the radio mic in the other. As she was taking the info. from the caller and dispatching it one officer asker her to ask the caller what the aggressor was doing.
              off: "Ask her what he's doing?"
              disp.: "What's he doing right now?"
              caller: "Throwing all my Sh*t out the window!"
              disp: "She's advises he's throwing all her sh*t out the window....I mean stuff!"


              • #8
                Oh, dispatcher story!

                I was out in the Interstate playing AAA for a lady and her kids from Maryland. I got them off the interstate and gave them directions to a gas station. Her husband was already in the area checked in at a hotel, so I gave central the number to get ahold of him and to give him directions to where she was waiting.

                It seemed like all was OK with the world and a little over an hour later I get a call to go to Admin channel(where we run tags/names and do general stuff that would only tie up the main channel).

                Dispatcher: The husband is at the gas station but can't locate his wife.
                Lawdog: He is at (location), right?
                Lawdog Having a light bulb moment, and realizing that there are two Handy Way's in the same general area)Tell him to stand by and I'll make contact. Can you get his vehicle description?
                Dispatcher Keying up instead of talking on the phone)Sir, what kind of car do you have?
                Lawdog NEVER one to pass up an opportunity like this)It's a green and white Ford.
                Dispatcher giggling)...22(disregard) it...

                I never let her live it down, either. I even snapped a Polaroid of my car and sent it to her with a note "Just in case forget what we look like out here".


                • #9
                  Yeah we were on a channel with another agency, and one of their dispatchers must have thought he was on switchover (private) and told one of his cars: "Be sure to get slaw and onions on that Signal 8!"


                  • #10
                    You put condiments on your runaways, Sarge


                    • #11
                      You guys EAT runaways????????

                      Ahhh the difference in 10-codes.... and signals...

                      Cleared the jail one night and, since the WTs don't pick up inside, ask my my partner (other officer on a two man shift, who'd just moved here from another county, where he had worked in LE) if there was anything pending. He said "10-4, I'm almost to Guiding Light Church on a 10-62." A 10-62 was a B & E IN Progress, and we had an active keepcheck ON THAT CHURCH for juveniles breaking in at night and doing minor vandalisms. I punch it, running Code 2. I fly there in no time flat from the jail, turn onto the street, tell dispatch I'm out, and turn sideways (rookie then) into the parking lot.

                      There stands my partner, THE PREACHER, and a church member ALL WITH MOUTHS OPEN with my partner holding a slim jim. I realized then but asked anyway (while the smoke rolled of the brakes): "...where you came from...what was a '10-62'?"

                      "Assist motorist."


                      • #12
                        Not an open mike story but a true dispatched story:
                        On 9/12/01 the day after the attacks, I heard a road unit dispatched to a suspicious incident call. The caller advised that she has observed several men of "Arab" origin capming in the area over the past few days, and now, after the bombing they have disappeared. I wasnt sure who was laughing harder the dispatcher or the Deputy answering the call. You could however hear everyone in the Comm. center laughing in the background.


                        • #13
                          Another true Dispatch story (and illustrating the difference in 10 codes):

                          Received a TTY from a neighboring state (NM) that advised that a 10-13 was possibly enroute to our area. Following was a description of a Cessna 152 complete with tail number, pilot description, etc.

                          The only problem is a 10-13 here is a weather report.

                          After a little clarification, it was straightened out.

                          Open mikes, the comic relief in an otherwise repetitive (and stressful) shift.

                          Sgt Dave:

                          For a minute there I thought we worked for the same agency: we, too had a "singing deputy". On a day shift on a weekend, one of our investigators was "on call" and out in the car. His radio mike jammed after a transmission (anyone remember the old GE Mastr II's? -circa 1981), and he had a habit of singing along with the radio. Someone recognized the radio station he was listening to, and called dispatch. Dispatch then called the radio station and asked for Deputy &*~&(( to please call the office for a message.

                          He was red-faced for quite a while for that one.

                          Funny thing is, now he is an assistant Chief Deputy.


                          • #14
                            One of my favorites has to be when one of the troopers dispatchers had an open mic while she wwas discussing........everything.

                            Everything included who she'd f*cked, graphic critiques of their performances (good and bad), which cpatain was a d*ckhead etc. Oh man was it bad.

                            This was before everyone had a cellphone, so it was taking a while to let her know. There was only one trooper on duty and he apparently was nowhere near a phone, but the rest of the county could hear it. He finally got on the county radio and begged the county dispatchers (who don't get the state frequency and had no clue) to call his dispatch and tell her to "Shut the hell up".


                            • #15
                              The best open mike I have heard was when one of our Sergeants had an officer in his car transporting him back from Central Booking. This sergeant and officer both have very distinct voices and there was no mistaking who was talking.

                              Officer: Now sarge I ain't saying I'm the best but when I hit a b***h off she don't forget it.

                              Sergeant: Oh Yeah! Damn!

                              (Sound of cell phone ringing)

                              Officer: Hello. Oh ****!

                              (Sound of fumbling) and the mike goes silent.

                              Another of our officers had an open mike and was obviously talking to his girlfriend on his cell phone. All we could hear was "Well when I get off I'm gonna come over there and tear that a** up"


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