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  • #16
    I have two:

    When I was an officer, Olivia Newton-John once had a store on Melrose Avenue called Koala Blue. She had a homeless admirer who, came from another state and decided to live in the alley behind it, hoping to see her. He was filthy, bushy-haired and bearded. One day, the cosmic forces align and he figures she's arriving there any moment (she's nowhere near L.A.). He strips down, nekkid, but put on a pink tutu around his waist and starts running around the store screaming "Olivia and daughters! Olivia and daughters!"

    I arrive on scene and the vehicular and subsequent foot-pursuit is on. He's running with his dangling parts going up and down, while he holds the edges of the tutu out to the sides like he's got to keep it neat and orderly, screaming, "Olivia and daughters!"over and over again.

    I'll never forget seeing this pretty, 30-something woman walking out of a florist shop holding a boquet. She walks about four paces out the door, looks at this tutu-clad naked hippie running toward her. She executes a military-precision 'about face' and walks back into the storefront, without ever changing the cheerful expression on her face.

    Two barbed-hooks and several thousand volts later...my naked ballet dancer is in handcuffs. "Can I get your name, sir?" I asked. "Olivia and daughters!" was his only reply. John Doe was off to a 72-hour hold.

    ------------------

    I have to be careful with words, here:

    When I was a sergeant, I was the first on-scene of a nekkid fat woman giving herself an enema on a muddy hillside. She had to, "get the demons out," who had invaded her. The hose became stuck in the vacuum created by her innards, so we had to turn the water back on a bit to build some pressure in order to push it out. When the hose was out, she started expelling the water - marks for distance and accuracy could have been record-setting....overall, however, it was a very low-budget Bellagio dancing fountain show.
    Kieth M.
    When do I grow up?
    Last edited by Kieth M.; 10-23-2008, 07:01 AM.
    "You're never fully dressed without a smile."

    Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

    Three things I know for sure: (1) No bad deed goes unrewarded, (2) No good deed goes unpunished, and (3) It is entirely possible to push the most devoted, loyal and caring person beyond the point where they no longer give a 5h!t.

    Comment


    • #17
      Oh. My. God.

      I just PIMP.

      bwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
      sigpic

      I don't agree with your opinion, but I respect its straightforwardness in terms of wrongness.

      Comment


      • #18
        Personally, I'm glad those of us who have participated have kept it on the 'funniest' and 'craziest' side of the street....let's keep the flow a happy one.

        I'll reserve sharing my 'worst' for another day!
        "You're never fully dressed without a smile."

        Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

        Three things I know for sure: (1) No bad deed goes unrewarded, (2) No good deed goes unpunished, and (3) It is entirely possible to push the most devoted, loyal and caring person beyond the point where they no longer give a 5h!t.

        Comment


        • #19
          Thats It Keith wins thats one of the funniest and most disgisting stories I have heard this week.
          The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by Kieth M. View Post
            Personally, I'm glad those of us who have participated have kept it on the 'funniest' and 'craziest' side of the street....let's keep the flow a happy one.

            I'll reserve sharing my 'worst' for another day!
            I agree I'll start just a worst one for whoever wants to share something.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by Smurfette_76 View Post
              A man and woman stuck together during anal sex. His health insurance was in his wife's name and it wasn't his wife he was stuck to...in (?)...either way. Wife came to the ER. It was GREAT.
              People like this are the reason doctors won't make house calls anymore. They always ruin it for the rest of us.
              If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

              ---Jack Handey

              Comment


              • #22
                Smurfette you should have just thrown cold water on them, that's what I do for the dog
                Today's Quote:

                "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
                Albert Einstein

                Comment


                • #23
                  I saw a guy high on PCP having sex with a duck in the middle of the street...

                  And no, I don't think if it was... consensual

                  LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO DRINK CHEAP BEER!

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by andy5746 View Post
                    I saw a guy high on PCP having sex with a duck in the middle of the street...

                    And no, I don't think if it was... consensual


                    f*ck a duck?

                    Pluck a duck?
                    sigpic

                    I don't agree with your opinion, but I respect its straightforwardness in terms of wrongness.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Originally posted by andy5746 View Post
                      I saw a guy high on PCP having sex with a duck in the middle of the street...

                      And no, I don't think if it was... consensual

                      Please tell me that it was a fake plastic duck and not a real one.....

                      poor little ducky

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Nah. I'm willing to bet it was a real one.

                        We had a guy around here (next county over) that was charged with animal cruelty. He liked chickens. He specifically like the flapping and jerky movements they made when their necks were wrung. He happened to be having sex with them when he'd wring their necks.

                        Can't make this stuff up, hon because truth really is stranger than fiction.
                        sigpic

                        I don't agree with your opinion, but I respect its straightforwardness in terms of wrongness.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Didn't realize this was ask a cop sorry....
                          iluvpopo
                          Bellatrix and I :)
                          Last edited by iluvpopo; 10-24-2008, 07:20 PM. Reason: I'm a retard
                          Virginia Beach Police Dept. (First choice)

                          05-2-09 Applied

                          09-17-09 Written/Physical/B-Pad


                          Hanover County Sheriff’s Dept.

                          01-13-09 Applied

                          Hiring freeze for two years??


                          sigpic

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Kieth M. View Post
                            I have two:

                            When I was an officer, Olivia Newton-John once had a store on Melrose Avenue called Koala Blue. She had a homeless admirer who, came from another state and decided to live in the alley behind it, hoping to see her. He was filthy, bushy-haired and bearded. One day, the cosmic forces align and he figures she's arriving there any moment (she's nowhere near L.A.). He strips down, nekkid, but put on a pink tutu around his waist and starts running around the store screaming "Olivia and daughters! Olivia and daughters!"

                            I arrive on scene and the vehicular and subsequent foot-pursuit is on. He's running with his dangling parts going up and down, while he holds the edges of the tutu out to the sides like he's got to keep it neat and orderly, screaming, "Olivia and daughters!"over and over again.

                            I'll never forget seeing this pretty, 30-something woman walking out of a florist shop holding a boquet. She walks about four paces out the door, looks at this tutu-clad naked hippie running toward her. She executes a military-precision 'about face' and walks back into the storefront, without ever changing the cheerful expression on her face.

                            Two barbed-hooks and several thousand volts later...my naked ballet dancer is in handcuffs. "Can I get your name, sir?" I asked. "Olivia and daughters!" was his only reply. John Doe was off to a 72-hour hold.

                            ------------------

                            I have to be careful with words, here:

                            When I was a sergeant, I was the first on-scene of a nekkid fat woman giving herself an enema on a muddy hillside. She had to, "get the demons out," who had invaded her. The hose became stuck in the vacuum created by her innards, so we had to turn the water back on a bit to build some pressure in order to push it out. When the hose was out, she started expelling the water - marks for distance and accuracy could have been record-setting....overall, however, it was a very low-budget Bellagio dancing fountain show.
                            permission to e-mail this everyone on my squad? this is priceless.
                            "People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." - Orwell

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Originally posted by AZLawDawg View Post
                              permission to e-mail this everyone on my squad? this is priceless.
                              E-mail, away!
                              "You're never fully dressed without a smile."

                              Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

                              Three things I know for sure: (1) No bad deed goes unrewarded, (2) No good deed goes unpunished, and (3) It is entirely possible to push the most devoted, loyal and caring person beyond the point where they no longer give a 5h!t.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by andy5746 View Post
                                I saw a guy high on PCP having sex with a duck in the middle of the street.
                                Oh, how fowl!

                                Although I've heard that sex with a duck is not all it's quacked up to be.













                                Sorry, couldn't resist these puns.
                                "You're never fully dressed without a smile."

                                Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

                                Three things I know for sure: (1) No bad deed goes unrewarded, (2) No good deed goes unpunished, and (3) It is entirely possible to push the most devoted, loyal and caring person beyond the point where they no longer give a 5h!t.

                                Comment

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