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Career in LE vs. Relationships

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  • Career in LE vs. Relationships

    Hello everybody!

    I’m a new member to the forums and this will be my 1st post, so 1st off I'd like to say thank you to everyone in law enforcement. Everybody gives thanks to soldiers but nobody ever gives thanks to the troops who fight the war at home. So thank you all, especially to those who are in the $h!t daily.

    Alright so my question comes with a quick story. I’m 21 years old and finishing up my bachelors degree in Criminal Justice. I plan on a career in LE and since jobs are slim locally I'm almost certain I’m going to have to move out of state. The other day my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me. One of her major reasons for the break was my career decision. She stated she couldn't handle the stress of me working in dangerous situations for long hours and that the move would be too much for her.

    I’m not on here to cry or ask for dating advice, but my question is is this a common occurrence to those of you who date? And how about those who are married? Is the job a stressor on relationships? I heard that LE is the job that causes the most divorces. Judging from your life and your friends who are in LE, is this accurate? I guess I'd just like to know if this kind of reasoning for breaks is destined to keep happening haha

    Alright thanks guys!
    "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

  • #2
    I don't think that finding a potential spouse who's supportive is that difficult. They either understand the requirements for people who choose this kind of career (night shifts, working weekends, holidays, long hours, risks, etc...) or they don't. There are plenty of people who can't deal with these issues, just as there are many people who are understanding and supportive. The important thing is to recognize what kind of person you're dealing with as early as possible. If you're in a dating relationship and there's already significant stress, "going to the next level" isn't going to make the problem go away, it's only going to make the situation worse.

    Recognize the fact that just as sure as there's people who aren't cut out to be LEOs, there's people who aren't cut out to be the significant other of LEOs. If you do have a relationship with someone who's supportive and accepts the realities of this type of career, that's the "keeper" and you'll avoid a lot of the stress that drives others to divorce.
    "I'm not fluent in the language of violence, but I know enough to get around in places where it's spoken."

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    • #3
      I had a similar issue. Girl told me to basically choose between her or the job, and low and behold the job won. It sucks but this is what I want to do with my life. And luckily enough I found someone that is super supportive of what I do and is actually encouraging me to go forward and get more involved. So everything happens that is meant to happen. Like others have said is it the job or the girl you want?
      Alf

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      • #4
        [QUOTE=TOMahawk417;1396107]Hello everybody!

        The other day my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me. One of her major reasons for the break was my career decision. She stated she couldn't handle the stress of me working in dangerous situations for long hours and that the move would be too much for her.

        I’m not on here to cry or ask for dating advice, but my question is is this a common occurrence to those of you who date? And how about those who are married? Is the job a stressor on relationships? QUOTE]

        Well Tomahawk I really can't speak for anyone else. But my personal experience: My GF of 2 years broke things off about 6 months into the career. I guess I got too cynical for her. It's a hard thing to ask from a woman to put up with that kind of stuff you see. One of the hazards of the job I guess. Some will advise you to leave work at work. If you can do that more power to you. Some can "turn it off," like a switch. Some can't. There were other factors there I was in the war before and brought back some issues that she had to put up with. Im sure the career was just 1 straw that broke the camels back. Seriously though dude don't see yourself as a clint eastwood only I can bring justice to the world type. Be passionate about your work by all means but don't be nothing but your work. Anyways Ive teared enough in my beer. If you can leave work at work and if you can't there's plenty of "badge bunnies," out there. Have a good one.
        Caedite eos. Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius.

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        • #5
          This is a common occurence for EVERYONE who dates.

          She was looking for an excuse, and picked the job. FIDO.

          Go buy some beer, a big TV and a new Video Game.

          The ones worth the trouble will help you snap the keepers on your belt before you leave, call you once on your Cell before they go to bed to say goodnight, and are as proud of your badge as you are.

          There are a lot of signifigant others out there like this, you just have to do a little sorting.

          M-11
          “All men dream...... But not equally..
          Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find it is vanity;
          but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men,
          for they act their dreams with open eyes to make it possible.....”

          TE Lawrence

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          • #6
            My wife and I married two days before my separation from active military duty. I became an officer within two months and she has been with me throughout - now forty-six years.

            She often spent nights alone, feared what would happen and prayed that I returned to her in the morning in one piece. However, she was comfortable in her surroundings, never wanted for clothes, ate well and enjoyed occassional trips and outings with family. All-in-all, she is happy for my career choice and we have survived the fears of any marriage, laughed together, cried together and enjoyed the lifelong friendships we have developed and maintained during our career. She never tried to dissuade me from doing what I did for life.

            Hang in there! You will find a woman who loves you for who you are not what you are.
            Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence!

            [George Washington (1732 - 1799)]

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            • #7
              first off you are going to lose friends and girlfriends and possibly a wife or two or three but i can tell you ive been married for five years and my wife doesnt ask me about my job, i come home and she says how was your night i say good, long and so on and thats as far as it goes. there are alot of guys that will say it takes a special woman to be married to a leo and it cant be more true. youll find one
              In god i trust everyone else gets run on NCIC

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              • #8
                I never even proposed until I was 34 because I'm just too picky, and I wanted to make sure I had the "right" one. Now a couple years down the road, the "D" word is being discussed and a probability. My advise: always live with someone before you marry them. My wife is a very moral person and refused to live with anyone until married. She is still a standup, honest good person, but things change when you live together.
                Work harder! Millions on welfare depend on you...

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                • #9
                  I am one of the lucky ones. My wife has put up with alot of crap in the 9 years I've been a cop. I changed departments requiring us to pick up and move about an hour from where we started. Since at my current department, I've worked dope and she dealt with all the crap that goes with that. I was attached to a cell phone almost 24/7. Informants calling at crappy hours. I always answered because I might be able to get a deal in. I ran out of the house to set up deals more than I care to remember. She would roll her eyes and say have fun and be careful. She says this to me everyday I go to work. If she goes to her mom's for a weekend, she calls my cell when I'm on the way to work to tell me. Now I'm a K-9 handler and she puts up with all that goes with that. But she is proud of what I do and is my best supporter. She has a pretty good home life. She gets to stay home with our daughter. Funny things is, with her education, she could make quite a bit more money than me, but she knows I love my job. There are good ones out there, you just have to find one. Good luck.

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                  • #10
                    It's difficult to find a partner that will put up with your career; it's certainly not specific to women. It takes a very strong man that can be comfortable with me going out the door to start my shift, or coming home with bumps and bruises or in the case of my husband, picking me up from the ER. I never could find that in the civilian world. My husband is a Deputy and while we worry about each other, he's never tried to change me, understands the way it works in this job, doesn't get uptight over all the men I work around and knows I can handle it. He and I can bounce cases and situations off each other for another point of view and we balance each other. In the times that we've ended up working a call together, we move and mold around each other w/o ever saying a word. Yin and yang.
                    sigpic

                    I don't agree with your opinion, but I respect its straightforwardness in terms of wrongness.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by 355339 View Post
                      I never even proposed until I was 34 because I'm just too picky, and I wanted to make sure I had the "right" one. Now a couple years down the road, the "D" word is being discussed and a probability. My advise: always live with someone before you marry them. My wife is a very moral person and refused to live with anyone until married. She is still a standup, honest good person, but things change when you live together.
                      Unless you like divorce, do not live together prior to marriage. The divorce rate is much higher for couples who shacked up first and especially higher when done on the second marriage. I know that seems counterintuative, it is easy to think maybe it's best to see how it all goes before marriage while living together first, but divorce is more likely for couples who do. I'm not making this up it is well documented.

                      To address the original question, friends and girlfriends will go away with this job. Thankfully I was married already and had a supportive wife no matter what I did for work, although she told me she never wanted to talk about the ugly stuff. Well, we talk about it I told her better to discuss when needed instead of keeping it all in and drinking too much, cussing too much, being an uptight jerk too much. It has worked.

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                      • #12
                        Post deleted. (Forgot I was in 'Ask A Cop')
                        Last edited by ChiCity; 09-07-2008, 03:21 AM. Reason: I'm not a cop
                        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkcX_5hZN6U



                        http://www.killology.com/sheep_dog.htm

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