A good laugh...

[Smurfette_76]

Yesterday, while working OT for a short shift, one of our new dispatchers sent me and another unit to a fight call. She's got this very nasely, monotonous voice that already drives me nuts (but I don't normally work with her, so...)

Anywho, both of us said we were enroute and she's giving the narrative as typed in by the other telecommunicator

"...blah blah blah...subject refusing to leave. Male heard in background stating he was going to kill her m*ther f*cking *ss...."

dead quiet.

Apparently she doesn't proof narratives sent to her for dispatch.

I was literally crying I was laughing so hard. Any of your dispatchers screw up with funny results?

[deputy x 2]

Its funny when they don't read the detail prior to dispatching it.

Sometimes they forget that they have a "foot pedal" and talk amongst themselves. One crazy day, the dispatcher was getting swamped with traffic. One unit decided to run numerous registration checks.

The dispatcher acknowledged the license plate....thought he was not transmitting and said..Jesus f'in Christ.

The unit replied,"O....kay."

Long pause.......................

The dispatcher gets back on and apologizes for having a "religious moment". Open mics can be hilarious.

[Aquapong]

When I was a dispatcher I remember 3 screwups:

I said someone was using a vibrator to talk instead of a voice modulator (for those people that don't have a voice box). That was the best one. The other two were simply trying to talk too fast and things coming out wrong..."I'll check on his rage and ace." "He's eastborn on Osbound."

[pulicords]

Working for a smaller (25 sworn) PD a few years back, the dispatcher got the chief on the air and asked him to call the station (before cellular phones). He said he wasn't near a phone and ordered dispatch to provide the info over the air. Dispatch tried once or twice more, but the chief was insistent that he wanted the info now, not when he could get to a landline. The dispatcher then advised that, "Your wife is requesting that you pickup a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, some cheddar cheese, ....." The whole grocery list!

This same police department shared it's radio frequency with the city's sanitation service. It used to crack us up to hear, "Garbage One to Garbage Two. Hey Skippy, where you want to meet for lunch?"

[Garbage Man]

We had one dispatcher who was so illiterate we colected her call tickets. Two examples I remember were,


Suspect has a pet bull

Suspect vehicle is a white outtie

[cmr164]

Back in the late '60s, the Job Core (*) in New Bedford Massachusetts took 'hire the handicapped' to the idiotic extreme of hiring a switchboard operator with a major speech impediment. I will never forget how difficult it was to call there and actually communicate.

Note (*): Might have been "Headstart".

[mdrdep]

LASD Sheriff's Relief puts out a magazine every month called the "Star News". Sheriff's Communications Center always has an article that leaves me in stitches with their blooper column.

I've also heard tale of a deputy that keeps a license plate number handy to be called in whenever he's irritated with an RTO. The vehicle comes back to a Vietnamese lady who has the unfortunate name of "Bich Ho".

[L-1]

We used to have a dispatcher who was so dumb that her nickname was Say Goodnight Gracie. (You have to be old enough to remember Burns and Allen for this to have any significance.)

One day, one of my officers learned about a drivers license number that belonged to an elderly Chinese woman whose name was (I kid you not) F*k Eu. That night he radioed in saying he was on a traffic stop and asked for a DMV check on that particular license. Say Goodnight Gracie ran it through the computer and without batting an eye broadcast, "Comes back as a valid DL to last name of Eu, first name of F*k, in such and such city."

The officer told her she was broken and asked her to repeat. Again, she said, "Comes back as valid, to last of Eu, first of F**, in such and such city. He kept telling her she was breaking up and she kept repeating the broadcast, each time becoming more exasperated while raising her voice a little bit more. Finally when he asked for the last repeat of her broadcast, she screamed into the mike, "Eu F**, Eu F** Eu F**, I've told you 10 times now, Eu F**!" while never realizing what she was saying. By now we were rolling on the floor as was everyone in Southern California with a scanner who was listening to our frequency.

Say Goodnight Gracie then turned to the Watch Officer in the comm center and asked, "What's wrong with him?" The Watch Officer told her to think about what she was saying. It took a few minutes but Say Goodnight Gracie then muttered, "Eu F**, Eu F**, Eu.......Oh."

[suprtrpr]

back when i was a deputy i would always run a tag which came back to a guy from africa who had the unfortunate name of Dudu Boi. they always got a kick out of that one. plus there was the one where his address on his drivers license was the county jail. the best one though was when the rookie kept calling in tags to run and the system was down. they would give out the appropriate signal that the computer was down and he was say 10-4 and keep calling in tags. after the 8th or 9th time he called in, the dispatcher came accross and you could hear the other dispatcher in the background say plain as day, "if that dumba*s asks for another f*cking tag to be run i will go slap the s*it out of him." you could have heard a pin drop throughout the county. the funny thing is i dont believe he has ever ran a tag again.

[FL5OH]

...about 3AM, and I hear someone key up thier mic for a second. Then it gets keyed up for a very long while. You can hear some country music blaring in the background and an officer singing right along with it. When the band cut to a guitar solo, you could hear the officer in the background screaming right along "WoWwwwaawwwaaaawwwaaaaaaaaa dun dun dun bowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

Pretty funny way to break up the monotony of a boring night shift.

[Tunkle]

We have a couple people around here who are either so far off the mental end or are quite ingenious....

Scientific Knowledge is one of them and the other:

Your Heinous Queen Bee Wells.....

Both ID's come back valid. Funny to play with dispatch.

[ccsd157]

OMG I cannot believe I am going to tell this story !!

Prior to being a cop I spent the previous 14 years as a dispatcher. At the dept I worked at we were using these wireless headsets that allowed us to walk around without a cord and still talk on the radio and answer the phones. They were notorious for the transmit button sticking.

One day while working a 12 hr shift by myself, and after consuming about two gallons of tea, I had to go releive my self in the worst way. As I am walking to the attached bathroom I reach up and tell all units that dispatch will be "busy" for a few minutes.

I proceed to take the best (and longest) urination of my life, guys I think it went for 2 minutes! At the end I let out a *WHEW*, and then I flush the industrial style (will suck small children and pets down) toilet that makes about as much noise as an air raid siren.

As I get back to the console I notice the transmit light is on and immediatly know what has happened.

The first call was from my wife, who was at home listening on our scanner. Then the lines went crazy! Not only from officers but from people in scannerland also !

As I understand it we almost lost a shift worth of patrol cars that day.

frankie

[Taylor1430]

Open mics are always the best especially when its from the dispatchers....


From the officers side, one of my favorite things is a foot chase or a 'heat of the moment' when officer is calling out foot chase and "subject running behind 1392.....get on the ground, get on the ground, get your F***in A** on the F***in ground......radio, got one in custody".

[eeyore]

I always use ID-10-T when I have a dispatcher that needs addressing. Complete radio silence usually follows.

[Monty Ealerman]

L-1:

Hilarious.

I notice you use Groucho's image. Once on "You Bet Your Life" Groucho was interviewing a contestant, a very tall man. He asked "how many children do you have?" the man said he had eleven children. Groucho looked at the audience mirthfully. He then turned back to face the man and asked "why so many?". The man said "I love children". Groucho then turned back to the audience and said "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in awhile".

Regards,

Monty