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OK, I know suicide is a serious issue but as LEO's we seem to come across the oddities in this world. One of my workmates went to an attempt suicide this week that was funny as hell (see story below).
Anyone want to share a similar funny one?
Here goes:
Attempt No 1:
35yr old male driving down an interstate highway. Hes doing the speed limit of 110km/h (70mph). He has a long history of mental illness. He says to himself "self Ive had enough, time to end it all". he accelerates to 140km/h (85mph) and drives along until he spies this great big bloody tree about 8 metres from the side of the road. This'll do nicely he says to himself and aims car square at tree. Now its all going well so far, he has the speed and the large immovable object required to end his life but as the car leaves the roadway it strikes a small culvit in the road and this pushes the vehicle off line from the tree.
Our friend sails past the tree so close that had the tree been a year older and had another ring on it he would have struck it, problem is our friend is now sailing merrily along into the paddock.
Attempt No 2.
Ok, our friend has now crashed through the paddock fence, he still has a fair amount of kenetic energy in the car but no large upright trees to crash into.
he spies a large downed tree about another 100 metres into the paddock. Floors the gas and steers toward it at full pace.
Beautiful square on hit fair into the tree lying on the ground. Perfect you think? Unfortunatly for old mate two things happen. One the airbag deploys and two the tree is so infested with white ants that it practically explodes on impact and causes no where near enough resistance for an imminate death.
At this point you would think its time to call it a day. Ah but you'd be wrong our friend is nothing if not determined.
Attempt No 3:
Hes sitting in the car, the airbag is in front of him and there are pieces of tree spread from bumhole to breakfast time. He grabs a 9 inch hunting knife from the back seat and proceeds to stab himself four times in the chest and abdomin. This will surely do it you think, after all hes over 100 metres off the road, at least 50km from the nearest ambulance station, and the highways not that busy.
Unfortunatly for our friend an off duty ambulance officer from another state was driving behind him. He witnesses the car leave the road, miss the tree, crash through a fence, travel through the paddock and strike the downed tree. He comes to a stop and grabs his first aid kit (as an ambo he knows to have one in his private car) and starts running through the paddock to rescue our friend when he says him start putting extra holes in himself.
Attempt No 4:
Before the off duty ambo can reach him our friend decides that death is not occuring quickly enough despite the blood loss. I kid you not he grabs 5 litres (about a gallon) of kerosene and pours it over his head and body. (God knows that must have stung a little in his open wounds) He is already holding a full box of matches.
Ambulance officer sees this and stops dead in his tracks thinking how far do I want to go with this.
Our friend opens the matchbox takes out a match and strikes away.
Surely you see where this ends now dont you?
Ah but you'd be wrong again. As he poured the kerosene over himself he wet the matches and they refused to light no matter how hard he tried.
Off duty ambulance officer pulls him from car, and plugs his holes while holding him down for about 10 minutes until my collegue arrives.
Ambulance arrive in another 10 minutes and start to stabilise him. I **** you not he asks the ambo officers if they smoke as he wants to borrow a lighter from one of them so he can finish the job.
When my collegue comes back into the office and tells the story all 6 of us have tears rolling down our face and stitches from laughing so hard.
Anyway thats my story and it true.
cheers and be safe
chappo555
Anyone want to share a similar funny one?
Here goes:
Attempt No 1:
35yr old male driving down an interstate highway. Hes doing the speed limit of 110km/h (70mph). He has a long history of mental illness. He says to himself "self Ive had enough, time to end it all". he accelerates to 140km/h (85mph) and drives along until he spies this great big bloody tree about 8 metres from the side of the road. This'll do nicely he says to himself and aims car square at tree. Now its all going well so far, he has the speed and the large immovable object required to end his life but as the car leaves the roadway it strikes a small culvit in the road and this pushes the vehicle off line from the tree.
Our friend sails past the tree so close that had the tree been a year older and had another ring on it he would have struck it, problem is our friend is now sailing merrily along into the paddock.
Attempt No 2.
Ok, our friend has now crashed through the paddock fence, he still has a fair amount of kenetic energy in the car but no large upright trees to crash into.
he spies a large downed tree about another 100 metres into the paddock. Floors the gas and steers toward it at full pace.
Beautiful square on hit fair into the tree lying on the ground. Perfect you think? Unfortunatly for old mate two things happen. One the airbag deploys and two the tree is so infested with white ants that it practically explodes on impact and causes no where near enough resistance for an imminate death.
At this point you would think its time to call it a day. Ah but you'd be wrong our friend is nothing if not determined.
Attempt No 3:
Hes sitting in the car, the airbag is in front of him and there are pieces of tree spread from bumhole to breakfast time. He grabs a 9 inch hunting knife from the back seat and proceeds to stab himself four times in the chest and abdomin. This will surely do it you think, after all hes over 100 metres off the road, at least 50km from the nearest ambulance station, and the highways not that busy.
Unfortunatly for our friend an off duty ambulance officer from another state was driving behind him. He witnesses the car leave the road, miss the tree, crash through a fence, travel through the paddock and strike the downed tree. He comes to a stop and grabs his first aid kit (as an ambo he knows to have one in his private car) and starts running through the paddock to rescue our friend when he says him start putting extra holes in himself.
Attempt No 4:
Before the off duty ambo can reach him our friend decides that death is not occuring quickly enough despite the blood loss. I kid you not he grabs 5 litres (about a gallon) of kerosene and pours it over his head and body. (God knows that must have stung a little in his open wounds) He is already holding a full box of matches.
Ambulance officer sees this and stops dead in his tracks thinking how far do I want to go with this.
Our friend opens the matchbox takes out a match and strikes away.
Surely you see where this ends now dont you?
Ah but you'd be wrong again. As he poured the kerosene over himself he wet the matches and they refused to light no matter how hard he tried.
Off duty ambulance officer pulls him from car, and plugs his holes while holding him down for about 10 minutes until my collegue arrives.
Ambulance arrive in another 10 minutes and start to stabilise him. I **** you not he asks the ambo officers if they smoke as he wants to borrow a lighter from one of them so he can finish the job.
When my collegue comes back into the office and tells the story all 6 of us have tears rolling down our face and stitches from laughing so hard.
Anyway thats my story and it true.
cheers and be safe
chappo555
. I was stationed there 
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