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  • failed suicide attempts:

    OK, I know suicide is a serious issue but as LEO's we seem to come across the oddities in this world. One of my workmates went to an attempt suicide this week that was funny as hell (see story below).
    Anyone want to share a similar funny one?

    Here goes:

    Attempt No 1:
    35yr old male driving down an interstate highway. Hes doing the speed limit of 110km/h (70mph). He has a long history of mental illness. He says to himself "self Ive had enough, time to end it all". he accelerates to 140km/h (85mph) and drives along until he spies this great big bloody tree about 8 metres from the side of the road. This'll do nicely he says to himself and aims car square at tree. Now its all going well so far, he has the speed and the large immovable object required to end his life but as the car leaves the roadway it strikes a small culvit in the road and this pushes the vehicle off line from the tree.

    Our friend sails past the tree so close that had the tree been a year older and had another ring on it he would have struck it, problem is our friend is now sailing merrily along into the paddock.

    Attempt No 2.
    Ok, our friend has now crashed through the paddock fence, he still has a fair amount of kenetic energy in the car but no large upright trees to crash into.
    he spies a large downed tree about another 100 metres into the paddock. Floors the gas and steers toward it at full pace.
    Beautiful square on hit fair into the tree lying on the ground. Perfect you think? Unfortunatly for old mate two things happen. One the airbag deploys and two the tree is so infested with white ants that it practically explodes on impact and causes no where near enough resistance for an imminate death.

    At this point you would think its time to call it a day. Ah but you'd be wrong our friend is nothing if not determined.

    Attempt No 3:
    Hes sitting in the car, the airbag is in front of him and there are pieces of tree spread from bumhole to breakfast time. He grabs a 9 inch hunting knife from the back seat and proceeds to stab himself four times in the chest and abdomin. This will surely do it you think, after all hes over 100 metres off the road, at least 50km from the nearest ambulance station, and the highways not that busy.

    Unfortunatly for our friend an off duty ambulance officer from another state was driving behind him. He witnesses the car leave the road, miss the tree, crash through a fence, travel through the paddock and strike the downed tree. He comes to a stop and grabs his first aid kit (as an ambo he knows to have one in his private car) and starts running through the paddock to rescue our friend when he says him start putting extra holes in himself.

    Attempt No 4:
    Before the off duty ambo can reach him our friend decides that death is not occuring quickly enough despite the blood loss. I kid you not he grabs 5 litres (about a gallon) of kerosene and pours it over his head and body. (God knows that must have stung a little in his open wounds) He is already holding a full box of matches.

    Ambulance officer sees this and stops dead in his tracks thinking how far do I want to go with this.

    Our friend opens the matchbox takes out a match and strikes away.

    Surely you see where this ends now dont you?

    Ah but you'd be wrong again. As he poured the kerosene over himself he wet the matches and they refused to light no matter how hard he tried.

    Off duty ambulance officer pulls him from car, and plugs his holes while holding him down for about 10 minutes until my collegue arrives.

    Ambulance arrive in another 10 minutes and start to stabilise him. I **** you not he asks the ambo officers if they smoke as he wants to borrow a lighter from one of them so he can finish the job.

    When my collegue comes back into the office and tells the story all 6 of us have tears rolling down our face and stitches from laughing so hard.

    Anyway thats my story and it true.

    cheers and be safe
    chappo555
    Arguing with a Highway cop is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. Sooner or later you will figure out that the pig is actually enjoying himself !

  • #2
    ok, I had something funny to say, but there's no way I can follow that!

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    • #3
      This is a pretty blatant case of interfering with evolution.

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      • #4
        We had one family where 4 out of 5 people (literally) Committed suicide. the MOSt memorable was one of the sond who climbed up on the roof, tied off the garden hose to the chimney and stepped off. The Hose stretched, then snapped, and he hit the ground, breaking both of his legs..so of course when we got there he was laying with the hose stilkl tied on his neck, red-faced, and screaming about his legs.

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        • #5
          LOL! @ the original post
          -Sean

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          • #6
            While working the MP Desk at a large Army instillation in Hawaii, I got a call around 3AM from a CQ stating that some knucklehead had tossed a buffer over the balcony (3 stories up) and said buffer had crashed/burned in the courtyard.....and he needed and MP to come over and take a report because his 1SG was going to have a cow when he found out....and would never believe him unless he had an MP report.

            I sent a unit in route (my roommates) to go deal with it.....

            About 2-3 mins after the initial call, the CQ calls back saying that he had walked outside and was trying to look up to see where it had been launched from and observed one of his PVTs untying the end of the buffer cord from around his neck, then saw him run into his room and lock the doo.....as he ran up there and checked before he called back........

            That's right folks, our hero tied the buffer cord around his neck, and tossed the buffer over a third story balcony, in the hopes of it jerking him over, having both of them land in the court yard.......and thus ending his miserable life.....but forgot to figure in how much slack the cord was needed to be taken out to accomplish the mission.

            I put this out over the radio and sent the Patrol Sup and another unit over.... In the end, they had to kick in the door (he slide his desk, wall locker, TA-50, and other crap against the door so it was harder to get in), subdue him, get him into an ambulance, and escort him to TMC Nut Ward......where he was released into the miltary health care system.

            Last I heard the Army was going to charge him with Destroying GOV Property......and boot his *** out.....
            Last edited by Bearcat357; 04-25-2007, 08:37 PM.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Bearcat357 View Post
              While working the MP Desk at a large Army instillation in Hawaii, I got a call around 3AM from a CQ stating that some knucklehead had tossed a buffer over the balcony (3 stories up) and said buffer had crashed/burned in the courtyard.....and he needed and MP to come over and take a report because his 1SG was going to have a cow when he found out....and would never believe him unless he had an MP report.

              I sent a unit in route (my roommates) to go deal with it.....

              About 2-3 mins after the initial call, the CQ calls back saying that he had walked outside and was trying to look up to see where it had been launched from and observed one of his PVTs untying the end of the buffer cord from around his neck, then saw him run into his room and lock the doo.....as he ran up there and checked before he called back........

              That's right folks, our hero tied the buffer cord around his neck, and tossed the buffer over a third story balcony, in the hopes of it jerking him over, having both of them land in the court yard.......and thus ending his miserable life.....but forgot to figure in how much slack the cord was needed to be taken out to accomplish the mission.

              I put this out over the radio and sent the Patrol Sup and another unit over.... In the end, they had to kick in the door (he slide his desk, wall locker, TA-50, and other crap against the door so it was harder to get in), subdue him, get him into an ambulance, and escort him to TMC Nut Ward......where he was released into the miltary health care system.

              Last I heard the Army was going to charge him with Destroying GOV Property......and boot his *** out.....
              Must have been D-quad . I was stationed there .

              Sorry about the hijack...

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Traffic_82 View Post
                Must have been D-quad . I was stationed there .

                Sorry about the hijack...

                It was actually....

                4/87...... B Company if I recall correctly....



                And if you tell me you were with 4/87 and went to MFO.....we will need to talk.......

                Comment


                • #9
                  One time, we had a guy barricade himself in a car and negotiated with officers for about an hour threatening himself with a shotgun. When he became tired of speaking to the officers he placed the barrel of the shotgun in his mouth, reached down for the trigger, turned his head slightly so that he could reach the trigger, and blew the left side of his cheek off. He's still alive today.

                  That was pretty funny.

                  Sammy
                  If I could keep one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain. If I could ease one life the aching or cool one pain; or lift a fainting robin unto it's nest again, I shall not live in vain. Emily Dickinson
                  www.samanthafund.com

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