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Police and Alcoholism - what questions would YOU want answered?

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  • #16
    Thanks you for posting first of all. The strange thing is that i was just speaking to some friends about this topic after hearing of another former co-worker with a problem with alcohol finding life too much. I think what I would want to know is how sometimes when you hear someone say that "Alan" is doing better when everyone knows that "Alan" is an alcoholic, even "Alan". "Alan" has been to rehab, "Alan" went to rehab after he a accident with his toddler in the car. "Alan" never admitted that he had a problem with alcohol. He just said he had a problem. He came out of rehab and in the meantime his spouse "Mary" had purged the house of every hidden bottle she could find in the house and in his car. There were a lot of hidden bottles in the ceiling, in teh closets in the basement behind the water heater, all sorts of places. He came home and she didn't observe any drinking and he started to attend meetings and things seemed good. He then started sneaking out for bottles telling "Mary" that he was going to get a sandwich. He started drinking again but told her that his problem was Whiskey, that he got really messed up on Whiskey and that he wouldn't drink it. He was fine with beer. He would then get out of control and verbally abusive and then say well I think it was that brand of beer, I think I better drink lite beer and that is the problem. So she would say yes I said he can drink as much as he wants as long as its lite beer and as long as its in the house. Then it became well he can drink as much as he wants as long as he calls me for a ride home. Then it became well as long as he gets a ride home when he drinks its OK. He has gotten in trouble at his job for having alcohol in his system at his job and he gave her some excuse that he drank it by mistake thinking it was something else and that he didn't drink that much. The only thing they did right was make him come in for urine tests before his shift and a suspension. He was very lucky, yet again. My question I suppose is when she keeps saying he is fine, he is better he is OK to drink lite beer when its party cloudy or on the third Tuesday or some weird excuse do I ask her if she seriously believes "Alan" or do I just change the subject? Or is it pointless since she isn't going to leave and he believes he has everything under control.

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    • #17
      Thanks you for posting first of all. The strange thing is that i was just speaking to some friends about this topic after hearing of another former co-worker with a problem with alcohol finding life too much. I think what I would want to know is how sometimes when you hear someone say that "Alan" is doing better when everyone knows that "Alan" is an alcoholic, even "Alan". "Alan" has been to rehab, "Alan" went to rehab after he a accident with his toddler in the car. "Alan" never admitted that he had a problem with alcohol. He just said he had a problem. He came out of rehab and in the meantime his spouse "Mary" had purged the house of every hidden bottle she could find in the house and in his car. There were a lot of hidden bottles in the ceiling, in teh closets in the basement behind the water heater, all sorts of places. He came home and she didn't observe any drinking and he started to attend meetings and things seemed good. He then started sneaking out for bottles telling "Mary" that he was going to get a sandwich. He started drinking again but told her that his problem was Whiskey, that he got really messed up on Whiskey and that he wouldn't drink it. He was fine with beer. He would then get out of control and verbally abusive and then say well I think it was that brand of beer, I think I better drink lite beer and that is the problem. So she would say yes I said he can drink as much as he wants as long as its lite beer and as long as its in the house. Then it became well he can drink as much as he wants as long as he calls me for a ride home. Then it became well as long as he gets a ride home when he drinks its OK. He has gotten in trouble at his job for having alcohol in his system at his job and he gave her some excuse that he drank it by mistake thinking it was something else and that he didn't drink that much. The only thing they did right was make him come in for urine tests before his shift and a suspension. He was very lucky, yet again. My question I suppose is when she keeps saying he is fine, he is better he is OK to drink lite beer when its party cloudy or on the third Tuesday or some weird excuse do I ask her if she seriously believes "Alan" or do I just change the subject? Or is it pointless since she isn't going to leave and he believes he has everything under control.

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      • #18
        Duplicate...

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Baysidegal View Post
          My question I suppose is when she keeps saying he is fine, he is better he is OK to drink lite beer when its party cloudy or on the third Tuesday or some weird excuse do I ask her if she seriously believes "Alan" or do I just change the subject? Or is it pointless since she isn't going to leave and he believes he has everything under control.
          You may wish to practice the phrase, "Wow, that seems odd. When he does not drink your life gets better. Why on earth would he drink even a little? It sounds really risky." You have a right to be confused. You point out the success. You question the obvious. You point out the danger. BUT you have not called anyone any names.

          I was helping an acquaintance with her brother. She always wanted to know about rehab and the "right things to say". Finally, her brother hit a really bad bottom. He was hospitalized and his liver was just another round of drinks from being replaced by a donor, if one was found. He was given the news by his doctor, "You drink, you die." I called her to see how things were going. She informed me that her brother became an absolute EXPERT on the liver. Every small detail on what's good for the liver. How the repair a liver. What medications work magic on the liver. EVERYTHING about the LIVER.

          I asked her, point blank, "what does he say about his drinking?" Her answer was, "He never discusses it." I ended my association with her saying, "until he AND YOU confront ALCOHOL, not the results of alcohol, there is really nothing more I can do for you. I've given you the benefit of my counsel and I hope it works for him...but I'm worried it won't."
          "You're never fully dressed without a smile."

          Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

          Three things I know for sure: (1) No bad deed goes unrewarded, (2) No good deed goes unpunished, and (3) It is entirely possible to push the most devoted, loyal and caring person beyond the point where they no longer give a 5h!t.

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          • #20
            So do you just avoid the subject? Change the subject? Or avoid the person? There is no question the guy has a problem. I am sure his spouse knows that he has a problem and shouldn't drink but just repeats what he tells her because she is trying to convince herself that he has everything under control because he was able to function and keep his job and keep going to work. I think that is also a misconception. He isn't a guy that is sitting in an alley with a 40 in a paper bag. I don't think that his spouse realizes that if very well could be him or much worse if they keep pretending that everything is fine. I just get frustrated when I keep hearing them lie to themselves. Is there a right or wrong answer?

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            • #21
              I would not avoid her without confronting the issue, "Mary, you seem to want to whitewash his behavior. Alan's a good guy when he's sober, but it's pretty clear that his life is going to be a mess when he drinks, even just a little. I can't be a witness to this. I hope I'm wrong."

              I was not a guy with a 40 in a paper bag. The rich alcoholic gets wasted on the best scotch served in fine crystal decanters, vomits into a silver bucket, and passes out on a Persian rug. For all the props he's surrounded himself with, he's able to tell the world he has NO problem - he's likely got lawyers to keep him from facing the consequences for any damage he's done. The poor alcoholic is sometimes easier to convince, as he knows he's got nothing to show for the way he's lived his drinking life.
              Last edited by Kieth M.; 01-26-2017, 09:39 AM.
              "You're never fully dressed without a smile."

              Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

              Three things I know for sure: (1) No bad deed goes unrewarded, (2) No good deed goes unpunished, and (3) It is entirely possible to push the most devoted, loyal and caring person beyond the point where they no longer give a 5h!t.

              Comment


              • #22
                This is true. It did get me thinking of the situation they are in and that Mary is in. Maybe she has to pretend everything is OK because she knows she cannot leave or she isn't ready to leave. Maybe she needs to pretend that everything is OK for her own sanity? I think she has to know that there is a problem but just its too much to admit that she can't do anything about it maybe? Thanks for the clarity.

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                • #23
                  It says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 9, The Family Afterwards says that, "Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill." Perhaps giving her a copy of the book, or leaving her a pamphlet from an organization called Alanon (for the family members of problem drinkers), would be the kindest act you could perform, for her.
                  "You're never fully dressed without a smile."

                  Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

                  Three things I know for sure: (1) No bad deed goes unrewarded, (2) No good deed goes unpunished, and (3) It is entirely possible to push the most devoted, loyal and caring person beyond the point where they no longer give a 5h!t.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    She has been to meetings and probably is an expert at this point. She had asked his family to attend a meeting with her and they did. They later were angry with her for wasting their time. I think its like the devil you know is better then the devil you don't know at this point?

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                    • #25
                      Recovery, in any form, is not for sissies. To change a world I think I've managed quite well (thank you, very much) is a scary prospect. Whether the drinker changes, the drinker's family gets well, or they all get well together, change is coming and growing pains are a part of it. The thing about Alanon is that many enter thinking it's about changing the drinker in their life - it's actually about changing themselves and their attitude about the drinker. Growth is scary stuff.
                      "You're never fully dressed without a smile."

                      Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

                      Three things I know for sure: (1) No bad deed goes unrewarded, (2) No good deed goes unpunished, and (3) It is entirely possible to push the most devoted, loyal and caring person beyond the point where they no longer give a 5h!t.

                      Comment

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