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Why Cops Hate You (LONG)


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  • Why Cops Hate You (LONG)

    I did not author this. I do not agree with everything that is said, but any LEO with a little time under his belt will understand. I edited out the profanity. Enjoy it for what it man's rant, and very humorous in parts...



    Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the window, and smash your face into the front fender?.. Ever get the feeling he's looking at you with that "God I'd love to kill your pathetic a**" look?
    Have you ever had a noisy little spat with someone, and the cop cruising by calls over "Hey!!, everything OK over there?".. Did you maybe sense that he really hoped everything was not OK?, that the answer he wanted was, "No, officer, this idiot's bothering me!!".. That that's all he was looking for was an excuse to launch himself from the cruiser and play a drum solo on your f***ing skull with his baton?.
    Did you ever call the cops to report a crime, maybe someone stole something from your car or
    broke into your home, the cops arrive and act as if it were your fault, that they were sorry the
    crook didn't rip you off for more, or kick your a**?.. That instead of looking for the culprit,
    they'd rather bust you in the chops for bothering them with such minor bulls*** and being so
    godd*** stupid in the first place?
    If you've picked up on this attitude from your local sworn protectors, the boys in blue, the man
    in green and tan.. it's not just paranoia, they actually don't like you. In fact cops don't just
    dislike like you, they hate your f***ing guts, they hate you with every fiber of their being!!..
    They'd kill you if given the chance, and not think twice about it either. Matter of fact, after
    murdering you, he'd take Polaroid pictures of the fresh kill to his buddys at the local Dennys
    and get a hearty laugh at your corpse over a stack of hotcakes.
    Incidentally, this phenomena exists for a number of very odd reasons, reasons you civilians of
    course will not understand.
    First of all, civilians are so godd*** stupid!!. They leave s*** lying around, just begging thieves
    to steal it. They park cars in high crime areas and leave portable TVs, cameras, wallets,
    purses, coats, luggage, grocery bags and briefcases in plain view on the seat.
    Oh, sure maybe they'll remember to close all the windows and lock the doors, but do you know
    how easy it is to bust a car window?. How fast can it be done? A f***ing snot nose ten year
    old can do it in less than six seconds, a skilled low life scum bag thief a**hole can do it in his
    And a poor cop has another Burglary from motor vehicle report on his hands, another report to
    waste a half hour on. Meanwhile the a**hole who left the family heirlooms on the back seat in
    the first place is raising hell, "Where were the cops when my car was being looted!!", he's
    planning to write irate letters to the mayor, the police commissioner, FBI, ACLU, CIA and
    Democratic National Party to complain about how lousy the police force is, I mean my God they
    can't even keep a car from getting ripped off, what were they doing, off drinking coffee
    And the cops are saying to themselves, "Let me tell ya, f***khead, we were seven blocks away,
    taking another report from yet another jerk-off civilian about his f***ing car being broken into,
    he left his s*** in plain view on the back seat too!!!..dumbs***!!"
    These civilians can't figure out that maybe they shouldn't leave stuff lying around unattended
    where anybody can just pick it up and be-bop on down the road. Maybe they should put the
    s*** in the trunk, where no one but Superman is gonna f***'n see it, novel idea huh? No
    nevermind.. too complicated for a civilian to figure out.
    Another thing that drives cops wild is the "Surely this doesn't apply to me" syndrome, which
    never fails to reveal itself at scenes of sniper or barricade incidents. There's always some
    a**hole walking down the street ( jogging or driving) who thinks the police cars blocking off the
    area, the ropes marked police line: Do Not Cross, the cops crouched behind cars pointing
    semi-autos, carbines, shotguns and bazookas at some building, have nothing whatsoever to do
    with him. So in usual dumbs*** civilian fashion, he weasels around the barricades, or slithers
    under the restraining ropes and blithely continues on his merry way oblivious to all the action
    around him, right into the field of fire.
    The result: some cop risks his a** to go after the cretin and drag him, usually under protest, back to safety. All of these cops, including
    the one who's risking his a**, devoutly hope that the sniper will get off one miraculous shot and
    drill the idiot right between the eyes, which would have two immediate effects. 1.The
    quiche-for-brains civilian would be dispatched to his just reward and 2. Every cop on the scene
    would instantaneously be licensed to kill the scumbag doing the sniping. Where upon the cops
    would destroy the whole f***ing building, sniper and all, in about 30 seconds, which is what
    they wanted to do in the first place, except the brass wouldn't let them because the
    motherf***er had not killed anybody yet.
    Another phenomenon is the "My, isn't this amusing" behavior, exhibited at some emergency
    scenes, usually this is done by Yuppie scum or other members of high society. For example, a
    group of trendy types will be strolling down the street, a squad car with its lights flashing, siren
    on, screeches up to a building, the cops yank out their guns, stealth-ninja up to the door, flatten
    themselves against a wall, and peep into the place cautiously.
    Now, if you think about it, something serious could be happening here. Cops usually don't pull
    their semi-autos to get a cup of coffee, unless the price is too high. Any five-year-old ghetto kid
    (oops.."inner city youth") can tell you these cops are ready to "Busta cap in somebody's a**".
    But do our society friends perceive this? Do they stay out of the cops way? NO!! Of course
    not, they're civilians!... They think it's vastly amusing. And, of course, since they're not
    involved in the funny little game of 1-adam twelve the cops are playing, they think nothing can
    happen to them. While the ghetto kid (damm, I mean inner city youth) is hiding behind the
    engine block of the biggest car on the street waiting for the shooting to start, Muffy, Chip and
    Biff, with not a care in the f***'n world, continue their stroll right up to the officers, tittering
    among themselves about how silly the cops look all scrunched up against the wall, how awful
    those polyester uniforms are to keep clean, and anything else stupid they can think of.
    Meanwhile your sworn protectors are trying to look in through the door without stopping
    bullets with their foreheads.
    What the cops are hoping at that point, is for some maniacal, homicidal holdup man having a
    really bad day, to come busting out the door with an AK-47, loaded with a 50 round mag of
    super high velocity yuppie stopping people killers, and that he immediately identifies our
    socialites as a serious threat to his personal well being. They're hoping he has just enough
    ammunition to blast the s*** out of the gigglers leaving little more than a mound of bullet hole
    riddled steaming yuppie flesh, but not enough to return fire when the cops blow him to
    That's what we cops call a "PPA", Positive-Population-Adjustment, the Yuppie scum get
    dispatched to Yuppie hell, and the tax payers are saved the court costs, along with the bother
    of housing, feeding and clothing the waste of humanity that WAS the suspect, it's a win- win
    situation all around.
    Of course if that actually happens, the poor cops will be in a world of s*** for not protecting the
    innocent bystanders. The brass wouldn't even want to hear that the quiche eating Yuppie fruit
    loop s***heads didn't have enough sense to come in out of acid rain.
    Civilians also aggravate cops in a number of other ways. One of their favorite games is
    "Officer, can you tell me?"... A cop knows he's been selected to play this game whenever
    someone approaches and utters those magic words. Now, it's okay if they continue with how to
    get to so and so street? Or where such and such a place is located, after all, cops are supposed
    to be familiar with the area they work. But it eats the lining of their stomachs when some
    jerkoff asks, "Where can I catch the number fifty-four bus?", "Where can I find a telephone?",
    It never fails, while cops are eating at a local eating establishment, some numb skull civilian
    will toodle over and utter "Officer?..where's the bathroom"... Cops look forward to their last
    day before retirement, when they can safely give these ****** bags the answer they've been
    choking back for 20 years: "No, maggot, I can't tell you where the f***ing fifty-four bus runs
    what the f*** is wrong with you, buy a f***ing car you lazy a**hole.. what does this look like an MTA uniform? Go ask a f***ing bus driver!" OR, "No dog breath, I don't know where you can
    find a phone, do I look like Ma f***ing Bell?. Take your head out of your a** and look for
    one..", finally "Do I look like a waitress to you?, does my badge say 'DENNYS' on it?? find the
    f***ing bathroom yourself, Jesus cant you see I'm eating? You think I care you're gonna lose
    your bowels on the throne? Thanks for ruining my meal, get away from me!!"
    And cops just love to find a guy parking next his car in a crosswalk, next to a fire hydrant, on
    the sidewalk, or at a bus stop posted with a sign that reads: "Don't Even Think About Stopping,
    Standing, or Parking Here.. Cars Towed Away, Forfeited to the Government, and Sold at Public
    Auction, Owner is Tortured and Flogged in Public" and what does jerk civilian ask??... "Officer,
    may I park here a minute?" to which the officer responds, "What are you nuts? Of course ya
    can park here! Hell, park as long as ya like! Leave it there all day! Ya don't see anything that
    says ya can't do ya?... You're welcome See ya later." Then the cop drives around the corner
    and calls for a tow truck to remove the vehicle in a manner prescribed by law. Later, in traffic
    court, the idiot will be whining to the judge "But, Your Honor, I asked an officer if I could park
    there, and he said I could! He said park there as long as you want!!.. No, I don't know which
    officer, but I did ask!, Honest!.. huh?, ... No, wait, Judge, I can't afford five hundred dollars! This
    isn't fair!, I have my rights!!.. WHAT!!.. I most certainly am not creating a disturbance!!, hey,
    wait a godd*** minute here... Get your frek'n hands off me!, where are you taking me?...
    What do you mean, ten days for contempt of court?!! This is a travesty of justice!!! Wait,
    wait,..... " If you should happen to see a cop humming contentedly and smiling to himself for
    no apparent reason leaving the court room, you'll know which cop it was.
    Wildly unrealistic civilian expectations also contribute to a cop's distaste for the general
    citizenry. An officer can be running his a** off all day or night handling call after call after call,
    writing volumes of police reports, cleaning splattered carcasses off the street with a squeegee.
    Everybody thinks their problem is the only thing he has to work on, THE most important issue
    on the planet. The policeman may have a few worries of his own. Ever think of that?
    The sergeant is on him because he's been late for roll call a few days; he's been battling like a
    badger with his wife, who's just about to leave him because he never takes her anywhere,
    doesn't spend enough time at home, the kids need braces, the station wagon needs a major
    engine overhaul and where are we gonna get the money to pay for all that, we haven't had a
    real vacation for years, all you do is hang around with other cops, your attitude is horrible,
    you've been drinking too much lately, I could've married that wonderful guy I was going with
    when I met in college and lived happily ever after, and why don't you get a regular job with
    regular days off , no night shifts, decent pay, and a chance for advancement?? A job
    where no one is kicking, punching, spitting, biting or bleeding AIDS infected blood on you?!?! (It
    all sounds like the teacher in Charlie Brown "Waa, waa, waa, waa, beer, waa waa.." anyway).
    Meanwhile, that sweet young 18 year old thing he met on a call last month says her period is
    late and she's gonna tell her daddy. Internal Affairs is investigating him on f***ing up a
    disorderly conduct call last week. The captain is ****ed at him for tagging a councilman's car. A burglar's tearing up the businesses on his beat. His face is on the 5o'clock news and he's already
    handled two robberies, three family fights, a stolen car, a rape, two child molesters and half a
    dozen juvenile complaints today. Now here he is, on another juvenile call, trying to explain to
    some bimbo, who's the president of her neighborhood improvement association, that the
    security of western civilization is not really threatened all that much by the kids who hang on
    the corner by her house. "Yes, officer, I know they're not there now, they always leave when
    you come by...but after you're gone, they come right back and continue their disturbance, don't
    you see??!.. It's intolerable I tell you, I'm so upset, I can barely sleep at night!", she continues
    vehemently.., "What we need here, officer, is greater attention to this matter by the police. You
    and some other officers should hide and stake out that corner so those renegades wouldn't see
    you, then you could catch them in the act!" By now, the cop's eyes have glazed over and he's
    thinking of how many baton blows it would take to launch this old fart's head off her shoulders
    and into the toilet hole. In a polite serious tone he says "Yes, ma'am, we'd
    love to stake out that corner a few hours every night, especially since we don't have anything
    else to do, but I've got a better idea.... here's a box of fragmentation grenades the Department
    obtained from the Army just for situations like this... The next time you see those little
    motherf***ers out there, just lob a couple of these into the crowd and duck. Problem solved
    Then there's the unfortunate cop who responds to the first of many "See the citizen" calls, at the
    artsy-crafty types who left the all white suburbs disgusted with the attitudes of their white
    friends toward minorities, in order to make a statement to society, they humm "cum-by-ya", pack
    up and relocate to a tough, rundown, s***hole of a neighborhood. Upon arrival, they notice the
    air smells a bit different, seeing the dilapidated condition of their new surroundings, they
    decide it's gotta be cleaned call a cop. Most of these Urban Pioneers are
    intelligent(?), talented, hard-working, well-paid folks with masochistic chromosomes
    interspersed among their otherwise normal genes. They have nice jobs, live in nice homes,
    and they somehow decide that it would be a marvelous idea to move into a slum and get
    yoked, roped, looted, and pillaged on a regular basis, the cops see a lot of them now. What
    else do you expect? Peace and harmony? It's like tossing a juicy little pig into a piranha tank.
    Moving day: Here come the pioneers, dropping all their groovy yuppie gear from their Volvo
    Turbo station wagon, setting it all on the sidewalk so the locals can get a good look and the
    food processor, the microwave, the stereo system, the color TV and the tape deck. At the same
    time, the local burglars are salivating, their appraising the goods unofficially and calculating
    how much they can get for the TV down at the corner bar, how much the stereo will bring at
    Joe's garage, who might want the tape deck at the barber shop, and maybe mama can use the
    microwave herself.
    When the pioneers get ripped off, the cops figure they asked for it, and they got it. You want to
    poke your arm through the bars of a tiger cage? F*** you, don't be amazed when he eats it
    for lunch!. The cops regard it as naive for trendies to move into crime zones and conduct their
    lives the same way they did up on Society Hill. In fact, they can't fathom why anyone who
    didn't have to would move there at all, regardless of how they want to live or how prepared
    they might be to adapt their behavior. That's probably because the cops are intimately
    acquainted with all those petty, but disturbing, crimes and nasty little incidents that never
    make the newspapers but profoundly affect the quality of life in a particular area.
    Something else that causes premature aging among cops is the "I don't know who to call, so
    I'll call the police" ploy. Why, the cops ask themselves, do they get so many calls for things like
    water leaks, sick cases, bats in houses, things that have nothing whatsoever to do with law
    enforcement or the maintenance of public order? They figure it's because civilians are stupid,
    and getting more and more accustomed to having the government solve problems for them.
    The local PD is the only governmental agency that'll even answer the phone at 3:00 AM, let
    alone send anybody.
    So, when the call comes over the radio to go to such-and-such address for a water leak, the
    assigned officer rolls his eyes, curses the dispatcher under his breath "Grrr fat f***king b****",
    acknowledges the call and responds. He surveys the problem, and tells the complainant, "Yep,
    that's a water leak allright! No doubt about it.. Ya probably ought to call a plumber, see ya", or,
    "Yep, your Aunt Minnie's sick all right, good bye", or, "Yep, that's a bat all right! maybe ya
    ought to open the windows so it can fly outside".
    In the meantime our hero is wasting his time on this bulls*** call, maybe someone is having a
    real problem out there, like getting raped, robbed or killed. Street cops would like to work the
    phones just once and catch a few of these idiotic complaints: "A bat in your house?, no need to
    send an officer when I can tell ya what to do right here over the phone, pal!...first, close all
    your doors and windows right away, yes..ok, now pour gasoline all over your furniture, that's it,
    now set it on fire and get everybody outside!. Yeah, you'll BBQ the little motherf***er for sure!,
    Hey that's okay, call us anytime...glad we could help".
    Probably the most serious beef cops have with civilians relates to those situations in which the
    use of deadly force becomes necessary to deal with some desperado who might have just
    robbed a bank, iced somebody, beat up his wife and kids, or wounded some cop, and now he's
    caught but won't give up. He's not going to be taken alive, he's going to take some cops with
    him, and you better say your prayers, you pig bastards! Naturally, if the chump's armed with
    any kind of weapon, the cops are going to shoot the s*** out of him so bad they'll be able to
    open up his body later as a lead mine. If he's not armed, and the cops aren't creative enough
    to find a weapon for him, they'll beat him into raw meat and hope he spends the next few
    weeks in traction. They view it as a learning experience for the a**hole. You f*** somebody,
    you find out how it feels like to get f***ed up. Don't like it?, don't do it again!.
    It's called Street Justice, and civilians approve of it as much as cops do, but it's not politically
    correct to admit it. Remember how the audience cheered when Charles Bronson f***ed up the
    badguys in Death Wish? How they scream with joy every time Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry
    makes his day by blowing up some rotten scumbag with his .44 magnum? What they applaud
    is the administration of street justice, the old "eye for an eye" concept, one of mankind's most
    primal instincts. All of us have it, especially cops, It severely offends and deeply hurts cops
    when they administer a dose of good old fashioned street justice only to have some bleeding
    heart, liberal, card carrying A.C.L.U whining do gooder happen upon the scene at the last
    minute, just as the hairbag is at last getting his just deserts, and start hollering about police
    brutality. Cops regard this as very serious business indeed. Brutality can get them fired. Get fired from one police department and it's tough to get a job as a cop anywhere else ever again except at "Bung-Hole" Security guard company with every wanna-be dumbs*** psychopath that ever
    failed a police psychology test.
    Brutality exposes the cop to civil liability as well. Also, his superior officers, the police
    department as an agency, and maybe even the local government itself. You've seen those
    segments on 60 minutes, right?, some cops screw up, gets sued along with everybody else in
    the department who had anything to do with him, and the city or county ends up paying the
    plaintiff umpty-ump million dollars, raising taxes and hocking it's fire engines in the process.
    What do you think happens to the cop who f***ed up in the first place? Put a fork in the him cause he's done. On many occasions when the cops are accused of excessive force, the
    apparent brutality is a misconception by some untrained, dumbs*** civilian observer who isn't
    acquainted with the harsh realities of police work, or life on the street for that matter.
    For example, do you know how hard it is to handcuff some a**hole who really doesn't want to
    be handcuffed...without hurting them? It's almost impossible for one cop to accomplish by
    himself unless he kills, or beats the living s*** out of a prisoner first, which would also be
    viewed as brutality. It frequently takes three or four cops to handcuff one S.O.B. who's
    determined to battle them. In situations like that, it's not unusual for the cops to hear some
    jerk-off in the crowd of onlookers comment on how they're ganging up on the poor guy and
    beating him unnecessarily. This makes them feel like telling the complainer, "Hey,
    motherf***er, you think you can handcuff this s***head by yourself without killing him first?
    C'mere!.. get your a** over here you're deputized, now go ahead and do it!"...the cops would
    love to stand back and let the violent scumbag pummel the onlooker into a bloody pulp,
    pummel until there's little more than a greasy stain on the sidewalk resembling the loud mouth
    Most of this comes down to common sense, a characteristic the cops feel most civilians lack.
    One of the elements of common sense is thinking before opening one's pie hole or taking other
    action. Just a brief moment of thought will often prevent the utterance of something completely
    stupid, or the commission of some idiotic act that will, among other things, generate nothing
    but contempt from the average street cop. THINK and it might mean getting a warning instead
    of a traffic ticket, getting sent on your way rather than be arrested, or continuing on to your
    original destination instead of to the hospital tied in a knot with a cops size 12 highly polished
    combat boot firmly lodged in your sphincter.
    You might mean getting real assistance instead of the run-around. The very least it'll get you is
    a measure of respect cops seldom show civilians. Act like you've got a little sense, and even if
    the cops don't love you, they at least won't hate you (as much).
    PS if you're looking for a disclaimer which indicates this is for humor purposes only, or that
    none of this is true, you wont find it here. This is a brief summary of what every street cop with
    about 3 years of dealing with the public thinks at one time or another, but cant say. There are
    several versions of this floating around todays cop culture...

    No cops, know anarchy.

    [This message has been edited by Glockarmorer (edited 08-18-2000).]
    No cops, know anarchy.

    "He aint finna come all up in my house and act a fool and be gettin away with it cause I will go smooth off." -Movista

  • #2
    I laughed.
    I cried.
    I fell over.
    It changed my life.


    Fiat justina.


    • #3
      That was awesome.

      Meaningless Rhetoric - anything coming out of a career politicans mouth.


      • #4
        Oh, man, Glock, you're killin' me! That's great! Wonder how long it'll take for this to be cut and pasted on the public forum for all to see and respond. Should prove to be fun !

        "Never try to teach a pig to wastes your time and it annoys the pig."


        • #5
          I almost busted a gut! That was great.
          "Trust me. I'm from the government, I'm here to help."


          • #6


            Thanks, dude! When you posted this over in Glocktalk, it was deleted before I had a chance to read it. Funny as hell. LMAO.

            I can think of a few squad rooms that could get an anonymous copy of this posted on the bulletin board...HMMMMMMM.

            Being steeped in original sin, I can be my own worst enemy.
            It is good to hate the French. -Al Bundy


            • #7
              They deleted this at Glocktalk?

              See, our moderators have a MUCH better sense of humor

              Perseverate In Pugna


              • #8
                I'm glad everyone seems to be enjoying this post. Yes, it was deleted at Glocktalk when I posted it a few weeks ago. Apparently, even the "implied" profanity was a bit too strong. Though GT does have LEO oriented forums, it is not all LE oriented like And we all know that LEO's are a foul mouthed bunch of m*****f*****s!!!! At least, I know I am!!
                This is not meant to reflect badly on GT or its moderators. I'm still a loyal member of the Glocktalk family.

                I originally copied this from a site called "The Darkside". It was a hardcore underground LEO page which seems to have been shut down. The creator was a cop (LAPD I think) who posted everything from homicide crime scene photos to his opinions on affirmative action, political correctness, and Al Sharpton. Not exactly a touchy-feely kinda place. I wish I could find it again.

                No cops, know anarchy.

                [This message has been edited by Glockarmorer (edited 08-20-2000).]
                No cops, know anarchy.

                "He aint finna come all up in my house and act a fool and be gettin away with it cause I will go smooth off." -Movista


                • #9
                  I can only say.............DAMN!! Thats Funny!


                  • #10
                    Woooooooooohoooooooo YES!!! I loved it!! I even printed it so a few boards will see it hanging up. It fits sooo well and I have met some of those a**holes too. But I do not cuss so I should say civilians, LOL. Wait I am a civilian now so I guess that does not work either hmmmm I am confused now,LOL.


                    Be safe out there
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