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Need a book for the BF -or- he doesn't quite get it yet

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  • Need a book for the BF -or- he doesn't quite get it yet

    I think Emotional Survival for LE might be the one to get him, but didn't know if there were others.

    I explained to him when we first started dating that when I'm getting ready for work, I'm putting on my game face too and really don't like getting knocked out of my groove. In the last couple of weeks, he's called me (we don't live together (anymore)) 45-30 minutes before my shift starts. A few times I've gotten a little snappy about it and he says that he only called to say hi.

    Today he called as I was walking out the door. He calls again 14 minutes into my shift to ask if I could bring him a coffee. Not even kidding. So, I got him a coffee and I also brought him a big steaming mug of ****ed-off girlfriend. I'm normally easy-going, going along and getting along; I hit the roof today (which means I used strong language in regards to what I really wanted to do with his poor innocent coffee). I explained that I felt insulted and disrespected and that I was not some housewife with nothing better to do than fetch coffee. He tried to get overly-defensive ("fine, I won't call you anymore, you call me when you aren't busy") and I told him to knock it off. I told him he had warned me that he put his game face on before rodeoing and that it wasn't meant as being mean, and I told him I respected that and didn't get butt-hurt at him and I wanted the same respect from him.

    I know I'm a different person than I was two years ago. My Mom always thinks I'm mad and that I hate her because I'm not the easy-pleasey person I used to be. Even when I'm off-duty I'm not the same as I was, though on-duty I'm more assertive. I think a book for her would also be good. You guys think this is a good book them both??

  • #2
    Wow you sound like an old salty dog only after a couple years.

    Good luck

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    • #3
      Originally posted by StalkerCop View Post
      Wow you sound like an old salty dog only after a couple years.

      Good luck
      +1

      Maybe I'm weird but after the 5 years I've been in LE, I can't say I've changed one bit. It's a job. I'm an aggressive officer but am still pretty chill no matter who I'm dealing with at work and at home. It's never really stressed me out or gotten to me.

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      • #4
        I have a "Don't call me when I'm working" rule. If you feel you want to extend that or something similar to an hour before your shift, then I think your bf should respect that. Other than that, sounds like the job has made you more assertive and there's nothing wrong with that. The bottom line is that you need to do whatever you need to do emotionally to prepare yourself, that is a personal and individual decdision and people need to respect it.
        "You don't want the truth because, deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall... I have neither the time, nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it."

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        • #5
          I had the same policy as Yellowreef. The one exception was a bonifide emergency,and it had better be good. My Wife understood that, and it was never an issue. Spouses, S/Os, have to understand, that when we're on the department's time, that's what we do. Period.

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          • #6
            I like yellowreef's rule. Leave me the eff alone!!! How many retarded arguments can start while you're working that leave you in the wrong frame of mind when you're dealing with critical incidents.

            Since you guys aren't living together, what about giving him a cutoff time before shift and then just don't take calls from him until your shift is done. He can call and leave you a voicemail or wait until your shift is done.

            Jeeze, that's how we did it before the cell phone craze and it seemed to work fine!
            NRA Life Member

            The police are the public and the public are the police; the police being only members of the public who are paid to give full time attention to duties which are incumbent on every citizen in the interests of community welfare and existence. - Sir Robert Peel

            Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats. - H. L. Mencken

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            • #7
              The book would help but I think more importantly you need to get the relationship back on track.
              You need to set-up the "one-hour" rule and explain to him your job is just as important as his --you're not "mad" at him, you don't "need your space" BUT you do have priorities and right now your job is "it". At two years (?) into a relationship & not living together anymore the two of you are obviously at the point where you're seeing if this really is "it" . It may be & you just have to fine-tune the relationship---OR you're seeing that being part of the LE "life" in the long-run really isn't for you.
              It sounds like you're boyfriend has his bad days & when he does he simply feels like calling you (emotional security & all that) which in itself isn't a bad thing. Both of you need to realize that & if that doesn't suit you, tell him. If he realizes it & doesn't think it's right, he'll stop once he's aware of it. I think your "incident" was FAAAAAAR less serious than you're making it & some simple rules just need to be set---Good Luck.......

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              • #8
                Whoops, guess I wasn't clear. We haven't been dating for two years, we've known each other and been friends for five years but only started dating this spring.

                And sorry for coming off "salty"'...it was unintentional.

                Thanks for the helpful posts.

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                • #9
                  I'm assuming since he's know you for the past 5 years, he's seen the change you've made as you became a cop. He's just a boyfriend and needs ground rules if you guys are to continue on together.

                  If you need to, crack the whip.

                  Then PM Sarge a pic of you with said whip.
                  NRA Life Member

                  The police are the public and the public are the police; the police being only members of the public who are paid to give full time attention to duties which are incumbent on every citizen in the interests of community welfare and existence. - Sir Robert Peel

                  Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats. - H. L. Mencken

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                  • #10
                    LOL, will do Sgt

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                    • #11
                      Get him that book I LOVE A COP by Ellen Kirschman. I explains to the family what we go through and why we are the way we are. I like the whip idea would also like a pic!
                      Last edited by Rush817; 09-23-2009, 11:11 PM.
                      Strong Body, Sharp Mind And Good Tactics!

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                      • #12
                        Hmm.......didn't you give me the horse laugh when someone left "The Love Dare" on my steps a couple months ago?

                        Is this the same guy that would sound disinterested when you would call him this Spring?

                        Don't know what to say Honey Wish you the best with whatever choice you make...............Do you really think he would read a book?
                        "a band is blowing Dixie double four time You feel alright when you hear the music ring"


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                        • #13
                          No, earlier this year was a guy I started dating...it never progressed to "relationship" status. Then, whaddayaknow, find a great guy who cares about my work who was a friend all along. His thing, I think, is the new I'm-dating-a-cop thing has worn off and it doesn't occurr to him anymore. Plus, he's Mr Macho Cowboy guy . It's good I've found a guy who doesn't make me feel like the dude in the relationship, I just think a hint would work.

                          And yeah, actually, he WOULD read a book. I found another Stephen King fan, yay.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Rush817 View Post
                            Get him that book I LOVE A COP by Ellen Kirschman. I explains to the family what we go through and why we are they way we are. I like the whip idea would also like a pic!
                            +10 on the I Love a Cop. That book should be required reading for all spouses and loved ones.
                            Originally posted by kontemplerande
                            Without Germany, you would not have won World War 2.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by SRT936 View Post
                              +10 on the I Love a Cop. That book should be required reading for all spouses and loved ones.
                              My wife would disagree 1000000000000%. She absolutely hated it, and threw it away. Granted my wife was a Marine wife prior to becoming a cops wife, so there wasn't much of a transition and nothing was new. We have a rule that we never argue prior to me going to work. Like has been said in many of the previous posts, we have too much to worry about on the street without being distracted by what's going on at home. I don't have any "1 hour rule", or "no calls while at work" rule. I call my wife when I finally get going for the night, and then she calls me when she is going to bed.

                              One rule that we do have, that was recently added.....she better answer the phone when someone (me) calls after I have gone to work. Nothing worse than a wife getting a knock at the door because no-one could get ahold of her on the phone after I got hurt and taken to the hospital. She did notifications with the Corps.......phone calls = good, knocks at the door = bad.

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