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The absolute dumbest thing you've heard on the job


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  • The absolute dumbest thing you've heard on the job

    Okay, let's be honest here. A job in corrections affords you many interesting benefits. No two days are the same, get to beat up people periodically, so on and so forth. But sometimes the stuff you hear can outweigh the other two in terms of hilarity.

    That being said, what is the dumbest thing you've heard from the public or an inmate working at your facility?

    "Do you give them (the inmates) water?"
    -Mother calling asking if we could check up on her son

    "Hey CO! Does the month of August end on the 31st or the 32nd?"
    -Idiot inmate

  • #2

    Inmate: CO do you think I will do time for (blah blah)

    CO: gang assault/1st degree murder, YES

    Inmate: damn I'm stressed out

    CO: you do realized you've been charged with killing another human being right ? Do you feel stressed/bad for him ?

    Inmate: (big grin) No not really

    Integrity in a officer means the settled disposition, the resolve and determination,
    the established habit "of doing right where there is no one to make you do it but yourself".... You are who you are when no one is looking


    • #3
      Couldn't even begin to remember the "dumbest" remark.

      Besides every time I think I have seen (or heard ) it all-----------------some new Darwin Award winner comes around and breaks the previous record.

      I will however enjoy seeing if you guys come up with anything original. After 30 years...................I doubt it
      My new word for the day is FOCUS, when someone irritates you tell them to FOCUS


      • #4
        Several years ago, I was stripping out an inmate after a visit when I asked him, "What are you so happy about?"
        "Well Sarge" he said, "I just found out that I was going to be a dad, my wife is pregnant, and she's due in 8 months!"
        "That's great inmate Smith " I replied, "and how long have you been down?"
        "18 months Sarge" he responded.
        "Have a nice day inmate Smith" I said as I watched his smile rapidly fade away!


        • #5
          Inmate: CO, what time is it?
          Me: One Thirty.
          Inmate: AM or PM
          Me: Look out the window.

          (BUG inmate in Obso Cell.)


          • #6
            Hahaha, been on the job off and on (still in the academy) for a few weeks.

            Best I've heard yet was when I stopped an I/M and asked him "What weighs more, a ton a feathers or a ton of lead?"

            The kid looks straight at me dead in the face and says "Is it metal lead or pencil lead?"

            I said "A ton is ton."

            He just shrugged and kept on. Pretty funny.


            • #7


              • #8
                Last edited by WesternWayneCop; 03-15-2010, 12:18 PM.


                • #9
                  Guy came into sallyport for DWI drunk as a sunk:

                  Inmate: So if I blow in the breathalyzer and blow under .08 I can go home right?
                  Me: Absoultely would you like to blow?
                  Inmate: Yes sir let me blow DAMMIT
                  Me: Sir your a .23 3 times the legal limit
                  Inmate: No No No that said .023 I am going home now goodbye
                  Me: Have fun in detox cell.

                  Not really that funny but after 3 years everything these guys say is pretty funny.
                  The most important things in life are worth fighting for.

                  <--------- RAAAAAR!!!


                  • #10
                    Inmate- So do they notch the officers shoes like they do ares?

                    Me-.................................................. .........................................……… ………………................................ .................................................. .................................................. ........NO!


                    • #11
                      When I was an STG Officer I interviewed one Inmate that came in from Ashland KY. Part of the gang questionnaire was asking their gang moniker, and he said "The Duct Tape Bandit" and I remembered this story from the news:


                      and I about lost my composure.

                      Of course, when I was in CERT BDU's one day I had a young inmate come up to me and say jokingly " Ohh, CERT. I bet you think you're tough wearing that uniform" and I just looked at him and said "try me" his response was, "Oh hell no, I did that in county and thought I'd win. I ended up getting a cell extraction and got my *** whooped" I just said "we don't fight fair" and he laughed. I was kind of a jokester with my position as Internal Affairs/Gang Officer my job was to be professional and keep myself open so that I could get info from them when I needed it.

                      Another time I interviewed an AB guy and he told me he goal was to "rank up" and he said he didn't have his patch because he hadn't earned it yet. I told him to be careful and not do anything stupid, which I knew wouldn't happen. Later on that week Unit 3 supervisor called me and said "what do you know about this guy" he then explained this 5'6" chicken bone had started yelling racial slurs at the black laundry guy. Another black inmate picked him up and power bombed him knocking him unconscious.


                      • #12
                        Of course there's so many things you see on a daily basis that have you laughing you can't remember them all. here's another one. One guy came in and he had tried to rob an old lady at her house, he was about 22 years old, she beat him half senseless.


                        • #13
                          Just the other day.....

                          IM: I dont consider myself a criminal.
                          Me: What are you in here for?
                          IM: Armed Robbery.
                          Me: You used a gun?
                          IM: Yeah.
                          Me: Did you point it at someone with the purpose of taking something of theirs?
                          IM: Lots of people, actually.
                          Me: Then your a criminal.
                          IM: Well....Yeah I guess your right.
                          "Guns dont make me nervous. Idiots with guns make me nervous." -Charles Bronson ,Deathwish IV

                          Help control the idiot population.Have your stupid friends spayed or nutered.


                          • #14
                            Oh another one.
                            {{{{Phone rings}}}}
                            MOM: Hi, I was wondering if my son is at your camp?
                            Me: Whats his name?
                            MOM: so and so
                            Me: Why yes, he resides here.
                            MOM: Can you put him on the phone please?
                            Me: Not a chance.
                            MOM: How am I able to talk to him?
                            Me: The inmates can purchase stamps and phone time and they are allowed to recieve mail as well. If you send him a letter he can call or write you back.
                            MOM: Well can you tell him to call his mother?
                            Me: No I cannot.
                            MOM: Why not?
                            Me: Maam I am going to give you an address you can use to contact him.
                            MOM:So there will be someone at this address that will put him on the phone?
                            Me: No its an address that you can use to send him a letter.
                            MOM: Well that doesnt help now does it?
                            Me: Ok maam, this is going to be the final and only answer I will give you, then this conersation is over. If you wish for your son to contact you then send a letter to this address and instruct him to do so. After that it is his choice to contact you.
                            MOM: Well why wouldn't he want to call me?
                            Me: Have a nice day maam, best of luck.
                            I guess the apple really doesnt fall far from the tree.
                            "Guns dont make me nervous. Idiots with guns make me nervous." -Charles Bronson ,Deathwish IV

                            Help control the idiot population.Have your stupid friends spayed or nutered.


                            • #15
                              ^^^While working the front gate I had that happen too. A couple times I got a phone call from someone I locked up in seg's family asking me to let them out. I told them to stop calling me or I'd write him up for harrassment since she told me he asked her to call me.


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