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  • I'm in trouble

    Hey all, I was looking for some advise from everyone. I have been at my job for 4 months, just got out of FTO and of course, im on graves. My wife is not handling it very well. She hates that I work all night then sleep for a good part of the day. She feels like she doesnt get to see me for 4 days straight. Has anyone gone through this with a spouse? Does anyone have any advise? I keep telling her it won't be forever, but that doesn't seem to work.
    “Fear not the night.

    Fear that which walks the night.

    And I am that which walks the night.

    But only evil need fear me…

    and gentle souls sleep safe in their beds…

    because I walk the night.”

  • #2
    Well a couple things, first of all, everyone who works midnights and is married goes through this. I feel for my wife because she has to go through it and most days the only time we see each other is for an hour after I get off work and before she goes to work.

    Second, using "it won't be forever" isn't a good idea. The fact is it may be forever... or at least several years. When your spouse works midnights and you work a "normal" work shift, you either A) get through it and stay together or B)don't get through it and get a divorce. Those two are really the only two options. There are some good books that cover the subject ("I Love a Cop"), and if your department has free, anonymous counseling through an outside party (basically the counselor sends the city a bill with nothing on it besides the cost), than it's a good idea to use it. The only way that you can really help her get through it is to put yourself in her shoes, just saying "It's part of the job" basically means you're not listening to what she's saying.

    Comment


    • #3
      Some people just can not handle midnight shift. That includes spouses.

      I have had several officers working mids that loved the shift--------spouse didn't---------officer left shift! Midnights is not the rookie shift at my facility, you have to bid for it.

      When I came to midinghts 11 yrs ago we talked it over for quite some time before I bit the bullet, but it was necessary for several reasons. I ended up finding out that I actually saw more of the family than when I was working 3-11.

      Yes the entire family has to sacrifice when you are on mids. My children had to learn how to play quietly in the house-----the wife had to go to a lot of morning or afternoon things alone, and I had many many days where sleep just didn't happen--------------------We got thru it.

      I did however get to attend every afterschool activity they were in.

      Now, even after the NEED to be on midnights is gone----I remain


      StudChris
      there is one other option and it happens more than you might think
      (c) You get another job that has normal hours and you stay together.----
      Beacuse if it came to the job or the wife/family---------the family is going to win with me
      Since some people need to be told by notes in crayon .......Don't PM me with without prior permission. If you can't discuss the situation in the open forum ----it must not be that important

      My new word for the day is FOCUS, when someone irritates you tell them to FOCUS

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Iowa #1603 View Post
        StudChris
        there is one other option and it happens more than you might think
        (c) You get another job that has normal hours and you stay together.----
        Beacuse if it came to the job or the wife/family---------the family is going to win with me
        If your spouse would rather you quit the career that you love than to actually work through it, it doesn't matter what job you're doing it's just not going to last. All marriages take work and commitment to last, ours (as in LEO marriages) just take a little bit more sometimes.

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        • #5
          Here's how I roll. I, too, am on mids.

          My fiancee' works 0700 - 1530 (leaves house at 0600 and gets home at 1600).

          I go to work at 2340 the night before, do what I have to do, and at 0550hrs, I drop in to say goodbye to the woman and to let my dogs out to relieve themselves. I get off of work at 0800 (if I dont have court in the a.m.) and am home by 0810hrs. I basically stay awake until 1900hrs that night, so I get stuff done and get to see the woman. Now, if I am REALLY tired or had court, I will sleep from 0900 until noon (or from whenever I get home from court for about 4hrs). It's a schedule I just got kinda used to.

          I still miss things, like tonite, I work tonite, but the fiancee' is off. So I miss a weekend with her. Oh well, I've been on mids for 2yrs now, and have missed tons holidays and weekends (as well as nights) with her. In discussing our future, if I decide to switch agencies, we've been talking about her not going with me if there's no opportunities for her.
          The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog. He looks a lot like the wolf. He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, cannot and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheepdog who intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed.

          I Am the Sheepdog.


          "And maybe just remind the few, if ill of us they speak,
          that we are all that stands between
          the monsters and the weak." - Michael Marks


          sigpic

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          • #6
            This is why I love my Department, we rotate shifts monthly either 0600-1400, 0700-1500, 0800-1600, 0900-1700(Court Security),1400-2200,2200-0600, and its nice since we can also trade shifts with each other.

            Though if it came down to my job or my Family I would toss this job away in a heartbeat. Nothing is worth more than your Family...Nothing!

            Comment


            • #7
              Whatever you do, don't quit your L.E. job!

              Somehow, someway things will work out. Relationships that are meant to be will prevail over the worst of situations.

              Good luck!

              Comment


              • #8
                The way I reason it with my wife is this: If I work a "regular" job from 9-5 then we would only see each other for maybe 5 or 6 hours in the evening when I get home. Then we would go to sleep and get up and do it all over again. When I work 12a-8a I get home at about 8:30 and get to sleep about 9, wake up around 5 p.m. and then spend time with you until you go to sleep and I go to work. Essentially I just flipped my work/sleep schedule and we see each other about the same amount of time. Only thing you can't reason with is no more sleeping in the same bed, but hey nothing is perfect.
                "Out of every 100 men sent to battle, 10 shouldn't even be there, 80 are just targets, 9 are the real fighters, and we are lucky to have them for they make the battle. Ah, but the one, one is a Warrior and he will bring the others back." -Heraclitus

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                • #9
                  NO job is worth losing your marriage over. If you and your wife didn't have a "come to Jesus meeting" before you started law enforcement, now is the time to do so. She needs to know how much this job means to you. Others before you have been in your spot and their marriages have survived. IT TAKES WORK and is not easy. The two of you will have to find a middle ground.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I've been on midnites for 11 years now. My family has had to adjust to it, just like I have.

                    I don't mean to sound cold-hearted or anything, but why is it that you have to automatically be the one to change things? Unless she's been at her job for many years and has as good as or better pay than you, why should you have to quit? Why can't she get a job with the same hours as yours?

                    I'm guessing you put a significant amount of time and effort into applying for/training for your career. She knew that it was a job that does not stop, it goes 24/7. Someone has to work nights. Why does she think it shouldn't be you? Now that you have the job and are not working the hours that suits her, does she think that you will immediately be moved to a shift that she wants you to work? Or worse yet, is she expecting you to resign?

                    I'm with StudChris: if your first assignment at the job you want is causing serious problems, then there are other issues at work here.

                    Now for the disclaimer: I didn't type all this so that you could print it off and show it to her. If you do, your shift assignment will be the least of your worries. I wrote this to give you some things to think about before you two discuss this again. Also, if she is truly making an effort to work through this and it's not working out, then yes, family comes first. If she is being selfish and saying, "I want you home when I'm home", then that's another issue.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Mids isn't that bad. Its been a while but i would wake up around 2:30 to 3:00 pm. I got to see my wife until I left for work around 9pm. Spent almost as much time as most people with normal jobs. Now it did take many years just to get at least one weekend day off each week.
                      The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I dont see how its a problem, when I was on midnights, my girlfriend either worked 8a-4p or she worked second shift 4p-12a. (non le job) if she was scheduled to work day shift, i would sleep from like 9-4, and be up when she got home. Or if she worked 2nd shift, I would hang out with her in the day, and go to bed around 330p, just as she was leaving for work.

                        When does your wife work?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I'm so glad that I had other odd-end jobs before LE that were midnights or very strange times. I don't even remember how bad it was or if there was any problems...i'm sure there was in the beginning when I had night security jobs etc. etc. But overtime, they get used to it, than I switched back to 1st shift like the rest of the world and it was weird for me.....now I may be going back to 3rd shift or midnights. Whatever the case may be, my wife will always be supportive.

                          By the way, was your wife ever informed by you that you may be working late hours or odd 3rd shift hours/midnights etc.? Why is this such a surprise to her?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by MaineSqueeze View Post

                            When does your wife work?
                            She is actually a stay at home mom, and part of the issue is that she feels like she has to be with the kids by herself all the time. We have been talking about it and we are both committed to making it work, it will just take some time and adjustment on both our parts. Thanks for the input
                            “Fear not the night.

                            Fear that which walks the night.

                            And I am that which walks the night.

                            But only evil need fear me…

                            and gentle souls sleep safe in their beds…

                            because I walk the night.”

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Poppycock!!

                              Originally posted by SSPD View Post
                              NO job is worth losing your marriage over. .
                              ????????????

                              I disagree......
                              I would state..
                              No woman is worth giving up a career you love. Replacing the woman is easier than replacing the LE career!!
                              "We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm" -George Orwell

                              "It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing diapers." - Blues Brothers

                              Comment

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