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Family reference but on bad terms

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  • Family reference but on bad terms

    My husband got the call from his BI to start and submit his background history packet. But my husband and I are not on the best terms with my family (his in law). There's no bad blood but we prefer to keep our distance because of the decisions they make in life and we would rather keep out of it. They are not criminals. Just different ways of living from us. The Background investigation is wanting in laws listed. Now my husband is refusing to complete his packet because he would rather not move forward than to have to involve my family in his goals. Is he being ridiculous?! Will the investigator actually contact or visit my family? It's crazy he would throw away his opportunity because he would rather not have my family have any influences in his life, even if that means never becoming a police.

  • #2
    There will very likely be a chance to explain his point of view to the background investigator. This is not the first time something like this has come up. Even if the family provided negative information, it will be compared to the totality of information in the investigation. If he wants the job he should provide the contact information and be prepared to explain the nature of the relationship. This is hardly a deal breaker.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by aco1985 View Post
      My husband got the call from his BI to start and submit his background history packet. But my husband and I are not on the best terms with my family (his in law). There's no bad blood but we prefer to keep our distance because of the decisions they make in life and we would rather keep out of it. They are not criminals. Just different ways of living from us. The Background investigation is wanting in laws listed. Now my husband is refusing to complete his packet because he would rather not move forward than to have to involve my family in his goals. Is he being ridiculous?! Will the investigator actually contact or visit my family? It's crazy he would throw away his opportunity because he would rather not have my family have any influences in his life, even if that means never becoming a police.
      Yes, they will contact your family.

      And it's his choice.

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      • aco1985
        aco1985 commented
        Editing a comment
        I understand it's his choice but I feel its a decision he will regret later and a decision he is making because in his own words,, he thinks "they will win again" because his chance of joining the police department depends on my family's references. In my opinion, put my family down, go with the process, and if and when he becomes a police officer he will be the one winning.

      • Aidokea
        Aidokea commented
        Editing a comment
        He's just giving up. I have no idea what that feels like. I don't think that's a quality that I would want in a beat partner...

    • #4
      Your husband doesn't really Want this career path does he?

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      • #5
        Originally posted by jnhdrac View Post
        There will very likely be a chance to explain his point of view to the background investigator. This is not the first time something like this has come up. Even if the family provided negative information, it will be compared to the totality of information in the investigation. If he wants the job he should provide the contact information and be prepared to explain the nature of the relationship. This is hardly a deal breaker.
        I am 99% sure my family will not say anything negative because they do not know how my husband really feels about them. We keep our distance and avoid having to interact with them if we do not need to. His reason is because he does not want them having any influences in the decision of him becoming a cop or not. Pride?

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        • #6
          Originally posted by NolaT View Post
          Your husband doesn't really Want this career path does he?
          I asked him this and he said not if it involves my family. Pride much? Or am I'm blind and not seeing his side?

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          • Aidokea
            Aidokea commented
            Editing a comment
            He sounds weak...

        • #7
          As someone tasked with BIs for potential hires, this decision on his part would raise my suspicion hackles. If I was doing his BI, my initial operating theory would be he either doesn't really want the job, or there's something else in his background he's afraid of coming up and this is a convenient out.

          This sort of thing comes up all the time -- I've lost count of the number of jilted exes I've talked to who portrayed the candidate as evil incarnate. A good BI will cover a wide breadth of personal relationships, and a hiring decision is typically based on the totality of what everyone says (as well as employment history, personal finances, etc.).

          In my personal opinion, if a bit of intra-family drama is enough to have him chuck it all, he's probably not a good fit for the job anyway. What happens when he's working and has a disagreement with co-workers, supervisors, or administration? I want to work with people that have a high degree of emotional intelligence, who are willing to work out and overcome problems. I've dealt with enough pick-up-my-ball-and-go-home types over the years; I don't need any more in my life.

          Ultimately, it's his decision. I feel a good spouse will respect their partner's decision and let it go.

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          • #8
            An LEO hopeful who is afraid of confrontation,......

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            • Aidokea
              Aidokea commented
              Editing a comment
              Yikes.....

          • #9
            Yea,.......

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            • #10
              Originally posted by aco1985 View Post
              My husband got the call from his BI to start and submit his background history packet. But my husband and I are not on the best terms with my family (his in law). There's no bad blood but we prefer to keep our distance because of the decisions they make in life and we would rather keep out of it. They are not criminals. Just different ways of living from us. The Background investigation is wanting in laws listed. Now my husband is refusing to complete his packet because he would rather not move forward than to have to involve my family in his goals. Is he being ridiculous?! Will the investigator actually contact or visit my family? It's crazy he would throw away his opportunity because he would rather not have my family have any influences in his life, even if that means never becoming a police.
              Even if you were able to change his mind, I doubt he would make it past the psych. His in-laws could give him a glowing "reference", but his attitude would likely sink him. Too prideful, too stubborn, too immature, and too easy to give up.

              Leave it be...and be grateful not to be married to a cop.

              Comment


              • #11
                He doesn't want the job. That's easy enough.

                I've met my in-laws once in the 16 years I have been with my wife. She told me they were ****ty people when I met her. I encouraged her to try to salvage something of a relationship with them. They had some ups and downs. We ended up married. I met them a couple years later. When our kid was born we asked them to come visit and were in the process of paying for the full trip. They came up with several odd and mostly fabricated excuses as to why they couldn't come. Ultimately MIL said we uninvited her which was 100% made up. FIL always backed up MIL no matter how bizarre her behavior. We cancelled their trip and I gave up. Haven't talked to them since and it's been over 7 years at this point. But I listed them in my background packet. And I got the job. If they became a background issue my wife had all kinds of evidence mostly in email and letters from over the years of their true nature. So I wasn't worried about anything they might say.

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                • #12
                  Either you want the job or you don't. Let the chips fall where they may. It's only a job.

                  Comment


                  • #13
                    Yup. And this job isn't for everyone...

                    Comment

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