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Finally! A new start up agency!

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  • Finally! A new start up agency!

    Okay, so I've decided, in light of the fact that like 99% of the threads here are all "IS THIS AGENCY HIRING?" and "WHAT IS THIS AGENCY'S HIRING PROCESS? HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE?"

    I'm going to just create my own agency. I will run it, with the title of "CHIEF ENFORCER."

    Think Judge Dredd, but with MOLLE vests, and drop leg holsters. Because, as you know, both of those things are awesome and completely indispensable to police work today.

    We'll have 3% 50. Hell, lets make it 3.5% @ 45.

    We'll run an in-house academy. No PT, just class room. Because even if you can't fight, or chase a bad guy - that shouldn't preclude you.

    FTO's will be appointed right out of the academy. Because peer to peer training works best. You don't need some cocky "know it all" 10+ year veteran telling you what to do, or how to do it.

    Our hiring process will consist of this:
    1. Written Test - Really just writing your name down, bonus points if you write the correct date and name of the agency.
    2. Interview - We really just want to sit in a room with you and hear how awesome you are. About all the agencies that haven't hired you, and how prepped you are from watching Cops, Speeders, and taking a criminal justice class.
    3. Background Investigation - Most people have questions about this. You know, we understood you only tried cocaine 20-30 times for a year or two. And hell, that was over a year ago. It was just experimental, so why should that preclude you? You're a good guy. And how were you supposed to experiment without the money to buy all that cocaine? So we can see how you were put in a tough spot, which forced your house into foreclosure and your credit cards to be maxed out. But again, you're a good guy. Don't sweat it.
    4. Polygraph - Nah, costs the agency too much.
    5. Medical - If you're breathing, we can put you in uniform.

    We can get your hiring process done in lets say... I don't know, 4 days? Then you'll start the academy right away. We may even start a class just for you. We don't want you to have to wait any more than you already have!

    Apply today!
    Other officer: Oh that's right, I forgot, you're God's gift to police work.
    Me: At least someone recognizes it.

    Turns out basic police work isn't so hard, you just have to leave the station.

  • #2
    I've only done cocaine 22 times. I understand that it shouldn't be a problem with my background, since it's been a long time since I last used 10 hours ago. But I once had an incident involving a dog and peanut butter. Will that ruin my chances of getting hired?

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Zam View Post
      I've only done cocaine 22 times. I understand that it shouldn't be a problem with my background, since it's been a long time since I last used 10 hours ago. But I once had an incident involving a dog and peanut butter. Will that ruin my chances of getting hired?
      Of course not, in-fact, you sound more than qualified for a K-9 Handler position!
      Other officer: Oh that's right, I forgot, you're God's gift to police work.
      Me: At least someone recognizes it.

      Turns out basic police work isn't so hard, you just have to leave the station.

      Comment


      • LAXcop178
        LAXcop178 commented
        Editing a comment
        Usually you pass the interview if you write a letter to the Chief or his adjutant giving the current whereabouts of the dog.....

    • #4
      I'll only agree to an academy date if you can promise my wife that I'll be home on time every day. I don't use cocaine but I have a rec from a doctor to use "medical meth." Problem?
      The Thousandth Man

      Comment


      • #5
        Originally posted by 1tyme View Post
        I'll only agree to an academy date if you can promise my wife that I'll be home on time every day. I don't use cocaine but I have a rec from a doctor to use "medical meth." Problem?
        Not a problem at all! And the Academy classes will be flexible, so you can pretty much come and go as you please. We're ADA complaint, so you can take breaks at your leisure to handle any medical issues or take any medications you need to.
        Other officer: Oh that's right, I forgot, you're God's gift to police work.
        Me: At least someone recognizes it.

        Turns out basic police work isn't so hard, you just have to leave the station.

        Comment


        • #6
          I will apply only if you promise me a captain slot, take home ride, absolutely no on call time, come and go as I wish making my own shift on a day by day basis.

          Comment


          • #7
            and I want my own secretary whom I get to select

            Comment


            • #8
              Originally posted by WPD954 View Post
              I will apply only if you promise me a captain slot, take home ride, absolutely no on call time, come and go as I wish making my own shift on a day by day basis.
              Absolutely, write your own ticket!
              Other officer: Oh that's right, I forgot, you're God's gift to police work.
              Me: At least someone recognizes it.

              Turns out basic police work isn't so hard, you just have to leave the station.

              Comment


              • #9
                Originally posted by WPD954 View Post
                and I want my own secretary whom I get to select
                Not a problem, my agency is going to carry a ridiculous amount of liability insurance.
                Other officer: Oh that's right, I forgot, you're God's gift to police work.
                Me: At least someone recognizes it.

                Turns out basic police work isn't so hard, you just have to leave the station.

                Comment


                • #10
                  You had me at 3.5%@45!!!!!

                  Nothing in there about laterals! No 25% signing bonus? Half immediately upon hir... No, ALL upon hire?

                  Detective pay at 11%? (this is actually a REAL agency in California!!!!)

                  Who is our LDF? LMDE?

                  No cold paper only hot calls and poaching is encouraged?

                  No cold paper, right?
                  semper destravit

                  Comment


                  • #11
                    I'll apply if I don't have to go through the academy, and I start out as the assistant Chief.
                    Retired

                    Comment


                    • #12
                      When (not if, because I have a bachelors in Criminal Justice) I graduate from the academy, I am going to need weekend and holidays off. Preferably a flexible schedule, I have a wife and kids and it would be so stressful to them.

                      Comment


                      • #13
                        Is facial hair allowed? Because I am rockin' this Duck Dynasty beard like there is no tomorrow, and I'd hate to have to trim it. Actually, I am short and fat - so it's more like a Gimli look I have going on (Think dwarves in Lord of the Rings).

                        I want to be on the swat entry team to. I could probably BE a battering ram. But i'd need hazard pay for that. I have my own helmet though.

                        Whatcha think? We got a deal?

                        Comment


                        • #14
                          Ok, fine I guess I will take the job, requirements;
                          - *** Chief or higher... It is only fitting given my current status.
                          - Massages on duty (we get that now)
                          - A hot personal assistant who is a practicing nudist with Daddy issues...
                          - 8 weeks paid vacation
                          - A take home Mercedes-Benz GLA.
                          - M thru F days only ( I have that now so )
                          - Paid European "conference" min once per year.
                          Good people sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

                          Comment


                          • #15
                            Originally posted by RGDS View Post
                            You had me at 3.5%@45!!!!!

                            Nothing in there about laterals! No 25% signing bonus? Half immediately upon hir... No, ALL upon hire?

                            Detective pay at 11%? (this is actually a REAL agency in California!!!!)

                            Who is our LDF? LMDE?

                            No cold paper only hot calls and poaching is encouraged?

                            No cold paper, right?
                            I literally shot coffee out of my nose with the LDME reference.

                            Yes, not only will they reform to solely be our legal representation, they will also be contracted to manage the agency's finances.

                            Laterals will be eligible hiring bonus of $25,000, payable as soon as a conditional offer of employment is made. You basically just have to apply to get it.

                            No, no cold paper calls. And poach to your heart's content. You can even poach in neighboring jurisdictions. Their complaints will fall on deaf ears. Neither you, nor I work for THEM, right?

                            Again, no cold paper. Departmental policy will be to inform the victim/reporting party that they are the reason valuable department resources are being tied up, preventing us from catching murderers, rapists, and persons with trailer hitches obstructing their license plates.
                            Other officer: Oh that's right, I forgot, you're God's gift to police work.
                            Me: At least someone recognizes it.

                            Turns out basic police work isn't so hard, you just have to leave the station.

                            Comment

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