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A jury in Greensburg, PA has found a man guilty of ADW using a garden gnome.
The reclassification of garden gnomes from outdoor decor items to deadly weapons is good news to all of us who have always wished we could move up to garden gnomes instead of carrying our stupid Glocks.
As illustrated above, there are many models to choose from.
If you are tired of being outgunned by vicious thugs armed with lawn ornaments, I will be creating several training classes to accommodate those who wish to step up to 21st-century firepower:
Garden Gnome Safety
Cleaning and Maintaining Your Gnome
Close-Quarters Gnomery
Gnome Concealed Carry
Combat Gnome-Throwing
Night Gnomery
Gnome Retention
Weak-Hand Gnomery
Multiple-Opponent Gnomery
Gnome Decision-Making
...and more. You will learn how to target your opponent with the pointy end of the gnome's hat and how to cover multiple suspects with your gnome. You'll also learn how to swing the gnome with one and two hands, gnome rapid-draw, throwing the gnome for accuracy and much, much more. When you complete the training, you will think of your gnome as an extension of your arm and be able to use it in any situation with confidence and skill.
Your new I-mean-business look, with holstered gnome and gnome reloads, will strike such fear and terror in the thugs that you'll probably never have to draw down on them to gain their compliance. Just a quiet word from you with a meaningful pat on your gnome will send them running.
...and women will swoon over your manliness when they get a glimpse of your gnome.
Students presenting evidence of government Top Secret clearance or higher will be given the opportunity to learn the deadly "gnome-whack" and "gnome-thrust" techniques that until now have only been taught to CIA operatives and pizza delivery boys.
Please signify your interest in these courses by replying below. Students will be required to provide their own gnomes and holsters. Gnomes must weigh 3 pounds or more. Plastic talking or singing gnomes will not be allowed. Gnomes with luminescent paint may not be used in the Night Gnomery course.
Discounts available for groups.
SORRY! We are not planning any courses at the present time for garden ducks, deer, geese, frogs, windmills or lawn flamingoes.
The reclassification of garden gnomes from outdoor decor items to deadly weapons is good news to all of us who have always wished we could move up to garden gnomes instead of carrying our stupid Glocks.
As illustrated above, there are many models to choose from.
If you are tired of being outgunned by vicious thugs armed with lawn ornaments, I will be creating several training classes to accommodate those who wish to step up to 21st-century firepower:
Garden Gnome Safety
Cleaning and Maintaining Your Gnome
Close-Quarters Gnomery
Gnome Concealed Carry
Combat Gnome-Throwing
Night Gnomery
Gnome Retention
Weak-Hand Gnomery
Multiple-Opponent Gnomery
Gnome Decision-Making
...and more. You will learn how to target your opponent with the pointy end of the gnome's hat and how to cover multiple suspects with your gnome. You'll also learn how to swing the gnome with one and two hands, gnome rapid-draw, throwing the gnome for accuracy and much, much more. When you complete the training, you will think of your gnome as an extension of your arm and be able to use it in any situation with confidence and skill.
Your new I-mean-business look, with holstered gnome and gnome reloads, will strike such fear and terror in the thugs that you'll probably never have to draw down on them to gain their compliance. Just a quiet word from you with a meaningful pat on your gnome will send them running.
...and women will swoon over your manliness when they get a glimpse of your gnome.
Students presenting evidence of government Top Secret clearance or higher will be given the opportunity to learn the deadly "gnome-whack" and "gnome-thrust" techniques that until now have only been taught to CIA operatives and pizza delivery boys.
Please signify your interest in these courses by replying below. Students will be required to provide their own gnomes and holsters. Gnomes must weigh 3 pounds or more. Plastic talking or singing gnomes will not be allowed. Gnomes with luminescent paint may not be used in the Night Gnomery course.
Discounts available for groups.
SORRY! We are not planning any courses at the present time for garden ducks, deer, geese, frogs, windmills or lawn flamingoes.
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