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New Deadly Weapon


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  • New Deadly Weapon

    A jury in Greensburg, PA has found a man guilty of ADW using a garden gnome.

    The reclassification of garden gnomes from outdoor decor items to deadly weapons is good news to all of us who have always wished we could move up to garden gnomes instead of carrying our stupid Glocks.

    As illustrated above, there are many models to choose from.

    If you are tired of being outgunned by vicious thugs armed with lawn ornaments, I will be creating several training classes to accommodate those who wish to step up to 21st-century firepower:

    Garden Gnome Safety

    Cleaning and Maintaining Your Gnome

    Close-Quarters Gnomery

    Gnome Concealed Carry

    Combat Gnome-Throwing

    Night Gnomery

    Gnome Retention

    Weak-Hand Gnomery

    Multiple-Opponent Gnomery

    Gnome Decision-Making

    ...and more.
    You will learn how to target your opponent with the pointy end of the gnome's hat and how to cover multiple suspects with your gnome. You'll also learn how to swing the gnome with one and two hands, gnome rapid-draw, throwing the gnome for accuracy and much, much more. When you complete the training, you will think of your gnome as an extension of your arm and be able to use it in any situation with confidence and skill.

    Your new I-mean-business look, with holstered gnome and gnome reloads, will strike such fear and terror in the thugs that you'll probably never have to draw down on them to gain their compliance. Just a quiet word from you with a meaningful pat on your gnome will send them running.

    ...and women will swoon over your manliness when they get a glimpse of your gnome.

    Students presenting evidence of government Top Secret clearance or higher will be given the opportunity to learn the deadly "gnome-whack" and "gnome-thrust" techniques that until now have only been taught to CIA operatives and pizza delivery boys.

    Please signify your interest in these courses by replying below. Students will be required to provide their own gnomes and holsters. Gnomes must weigh 3 pounds or more. Plastic talking or singing gnomes will not be allowed. Gnomes with luminescent paint may not be used in the Night Gnomery course.

    Discounts available for groups.

    SORRY! We are not planning any courses at the present time for garden ducks, deer, geese, frogs, windmills or lawn flamingoes.

  • #2
    i always thought the travelocity guy looked dangerous...
    -"He detested failure more than anything else, even betrayal. Betrayal required intelligence and ruthlessness, failure only stupidity or lack of concentration."
    -Daniel Silva


    • #3
      you could lose an eye with that pointy hat....


      • #4
        Sounds like he is an alcoholic who got drunk, fell all over himself, got mad at his stepdaughter for it, and threw the gnome at her so she got some minor scratches.

        Assault to some degree? Yes. Deadly weapon? I don't see how.

        Instantly after opening this thread, I thought this was going to be about firearms concealed in gnomes' buttholes


        • #5



          • #6
            A fist has been found to be a deadly weapon. In most states, the crime can be ADW if great bodily harm is caused, even if the use of the weapon is not ordinarily likely to cause such harm.
            Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. -- Aldous Huxley
            Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. -- Albert Einstein


            • #7
              The guy across the street just installed a perimeter defence system in his front yard.
              10 garden gnome's in a semi-circle around his flower garden, should i be worried, what if i do the same thing.
              This could lead to a build up, i need to add a duck or two for air cover.


              • #8
                Originally posted by simmonsguns View Post
                The guy across the street just installed a perimeter defence system in his front yard.
                10 garden gnome's in a semi-circle around his flower garden, should i be worried, what if i do the same thing.
                This could lead to a build up, i need to add a duck or two for air cover.
                Ten? That's as pure a case of GMD (Gnomes of Mass Distruction), if I've ever heard of one. Where's Hans Blix when you really need him?
                "You're never fully dressed without a smile."

                Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

                Three things I know for sure: (1) No bad deed goes unrewarded, (2) No good deed goes unpunished, and (3) It is entirely possible to push the most devoted, loyal and caring person beyond the point where they no longer give a 5h!t.


                • #9
                  oh snap, i got my mom a new Gnome for her birthday last year, shed been feeling a bit unsafe at her new job. so now she can walk to her car confidently.
                  In the end we're all just chalk lines on the concrete drawn only to be washed away, for the time that I've been given, I am what I am. I'd rather you hate me for everything I am, Than have you love me for being something that Im not


                  • #10
                    I love when serious posts go bad. :-P
                    The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog. He looks a lot like the wolf. He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, cannot and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheepdog who intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed.

                    I Am the Sheepdog.

                    "And maybe just remind the few, if ill of us they speak,
                    that we are all that stands between
                    the monsters and the weak." - Michael Marks



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